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  • #3863
    bii
    Participant

    What is the expectations for wives to a CG? I found out in Nov. my husband was in trouble with gambling. I have known about his occasionally trips to the casino when we had extra money. In November he told he had a problem but that he could fix it. We have individual checking/savings accounts. He has known my password to many of my accounts. 7 days ago, he told me that he lost 2k in a day that he “borrowed” from me. I consider it stealing and I deeply hurt that he would steal from me and lie to me. I have yelled, cried, and had array of emotions about this incident. Since then I have changed all passwords and security questions to information that he would not know the answers. The problem I have is that he decided to go get help, it is 1x a week talking to a therapist (?). He completed his intake, but today said he can do this by himself (I believe he has been clinical depressed for over 2 years). Anyways, my problem: for me this has been 7 days since my world became turned upside down. Honestly, I am terribly hurt. When I get emotional. He said, I can’t handle stress it makes me want to gamble. WTH! Or he will pick a fight calling me “crazy” or “Dramatic,” anything that just pushes me to argue with him. So essentially I have to live in his bubble and not express my utter disappointed with him. Seriously, what is the expectations for spouses. And I have read many posts where in my opinion the emotional well-being of the spouses who is not the addict isn’t valid as I have read don’t yell, etc. That isn’t a real possibility for me. I feel hurt and he deserve to feel that hurt as I didn’t cause it. If that is truly the expectation that spouse have to control their emotions, in direct response to bad CG behavior, then I will give up on him and walk away.

    #3864
    velvet
    Moderator

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    Hello Bii

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3865
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Bii
    Welcome from me to Gambling Therapy
    The only reason I suggest that yelling, anger, pleading, etc. is not the way forward with a CG, is because it doesn’t touch the CG mind in a way that makes any difference – the only thing that such behaviour definitely does do, is to wear out the person trying to live with the CG at a time when they need their wits about them. Only a saint would not feel anger when they are the unwitting pawns of this addiction.
    My reason for being in this forum is to support those affected by the addiction to gamble, not to make it easier for a CG to continue in his/her own sweet way. My salvation came from gaining knowledge of the addiction which helped me and ‘yes’ ultimately it did support my CG but at that time his well-being was secondary to mine.
    A CG will blame those who love them, saying they don’t understand, or they can’t handle stress – and these are only 2 excuses out of thousands that a CG will give as to why they have to gamble.
    I agree with you that your husband did steal from you, however, your husband does not see money as you and I do – to him it is a means to an end – a means to gamble because the ‘gamble’ is all important. As soon as he had the money it was doomed to be lost because the nature of the addiction is that the CG cannot walk away from a gamble until everything is gone. It is my belief that trying to make sense of this senselessness is not worth the effort but accepting that this is a recognised, real and terrible addiction is, I believe, important for the well-being and understanding of the CG and those who love them.
    When your husband first gambled, (as most of us will have done at sometime because it is harmless, fun thing to do), he didn’t know that addiction was waiting for him; if he had known he would never have placed that first bet, bought a lottery or raffle ticket or played cards for pennies. CGs want to gamble responsibly, they want to go to Vegas, or be in a pub where there are people loading money into slot machines – they want to join in the firm’s sweepstake for the Grand National or place a small bet on the outcome of a football match, they wants to be one of the crowd – they doesn’t want to be different – but different they are and sadly for them, it is for life.
    Of course you can express your utter disappointment with him but it will not affect him as much as the utter disappointment he feels in himself but cannot express. He owns an addiction that causes him to feel a failure, which destroys his self-esteem and confidence. Your husband will undoubtedly be unhappy, lonely and severely depressed.
    I am interested to read that your husband did seek help which implies he was aware that he has a problem – unfortunately it seems he didn’t get the support he needed and is now therefore possibly in denial. We offer on this site a terrific helpline, facilitated CG only groups and a CG forum; there are fantastic GA groups to be found and dedicated addiction counsellors and therapists – maybe he could be directed towards ‘good’ support
    I am not surprised you are hurt – it is very hard not to take the dreadful behaviour towards you, personally – I know I did – but I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled – never cured but completely controlled. It takes courage to tackle such an addiction; it takes knowledge and treatment and is best tackled with support. Only you can decide if you are prepared to give that support and only your husband can decide if he is ready to get that support.
    There is an F&F group on Tuesdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time when we can communicate in real time – nothing said in the group appears on the forum. In the group it is easier to talk freely – to have greater transparency and you will be welcome. Our helpline is also available to you.
    I hope you will come back at me if there is anything I say that you disagree with – it took me months to begin to cope when I first sought support.
    It is important to know what ‘you’ want because you matter. I don’t know what your outcome will be and I will not seek to influence you one way or the other – I only ask that you keep posting so that you can make informed decisions. Well done writing your first post.
    Velvet

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