Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Fear of husband getting new loans

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  • #5562
    Sweepy
    Participant

    My husband has a gambling problem and is currently seeking help We have put some blocks in place over his finances, i.e. I have control over all our income and all credit cards have been cancelled. Although he is trying really hard to gain control over this problem I am terrified that he might find a way to get access to money and build up a debt, for example open a new account and get pay day loans, or get another credit card without my knowledge. I’m so scared of what further debt will do to us. Any suggestions of how I can gain confidence in knowing that he is not hiding any loans in the future? We have talked about getting a monthly credit check done- would this enable me to see everything?? Thanks for your help

    #5563
    Dunc
    Keymaster

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    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

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    #5564
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Sweepy
    Although loss of money is a massive problem to those who love CGs (compulsive gamblers), the lying and general poor behaviour hurts more. Has your husband’s behaviour changed since he started to receive help, is he less moody, more open, kinder, more settled? These are the things that help those around them to recognise real change as opposed to lip service.
    Is your husband aware that you are lacking in confidence with his desire to live gamble-free? If he is, then maybe you could suggest that he speaks to those who are supporting him about your understandable concern, they can probably help him to help you understand where he is in his recovery.
    I am hoping you will write more about yourself, are you looking after yourself or just watching him trying to change? When you spend 24 hours a day worrying about whether a loved one is really seeking recovery then you are not progressing yourself. The addiction to gamble destroys the self-confidence and self esteem of both the CG and those who love them. Looking after yourself might seem a poor suggestion but I know it works not only for you but ultimately it is the best thing for your husband too.
    I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled – I have seen it and heard it many times but I also know it is hard for both the CG and those around them to know when a true recovery starts but start they do.
    Keep posting and maybe join the F&F group on Thursday between 20.00 and 21.00 hours UK time – sometimes it is easier to communicate in real time.
    Well done writing your first post, the first post is the hardest.
    Velvet

    #5565
    lily
    Participant

    Hi Sweepy, I don’t have much to add to what Velvet has said already. It sounds like you and your husband are doing all the right things. Controlling his access to money or even delaying it is a really big help to a CG in recovery but no matter how often you check up on him you can’t stop it happening what can is him being in recovery and he is seeking help for that.

    Trust is easy to lose and difficult to rebuild that is for sure. Improving your own self esteem and rebuilding your relationship so there can be an atmosphere of openness and true communication is key. As Velvet says look for the signs of change in him as a person as these are the clues that recovery is happening.

    I have just started to rebuild my relationship with my partner who is a CG and for us a long period of separation was needed to get to the point where we had both worked on ourselves to have trust and openness restored. My partner has been through treatment and I see the change in him after a long road. Sadly nothing will stop a CG from gambling except themselves, if they want to they will find the money somehow, it is only when a real change in mind set comes through support, treatment, counseliing and hard work that recovery is really underway.

    I still have counseling to help keep me in balance and my partner still has support and his access to money controlled, this may always be the case but it may also well be the case that he never gambles again, many people do have successful recoveries and some peoples journey is longer than others.

    I find that focusing on me rather than on him, creating a safe place in the relationship where we can both talk openly about everything (not just the gambling), and taking each day as it comes really helps both reduce my anxiety and support his continued recovery.

    Do keep posting, there is always someone here to listen. Lily x

    #5566
    Sweepy
    Participant

    Thank you both for your comments. Yes I have seen a big change in my husbands attitude this time and he is being a lot more open and our communication has improved greatly. Im confident that he can get through this and if he continues to talk to me openly I know our marriage can survive. It’s very frightening the measures that a gambler can go to to fund and hide their problem- this is the factor that hurts and affects me the most and gives me the most anxiety going forward.

    #5567
    nomore 56
    Participant

    I agree with Velvet and Lily, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do at this point. But I also think it is very difficult to focus on yourself when anxiety re. the finances is a daily companion. It all depends on the situation you are in, if you are financially dependend on your cg’s income or not is a huge factor. If you feel safe you are in a better place to support your cg and to take care of your own needs. At least that’s what it was like for me. I don’t know where you live (I’m in the US) but I signed up for a credit monitoring service and included my hb in it. I could do that without him knowing because he was in a terrible state at that time. They alert me when anything changes, credit checks done by third parties, changes in scores etc. I can look up all active accounts for cards and loans whenever I want to. It is worth every penny and gave me some peace of mind because I knew that I would be on top of things before it would be too late. Maybe it helps.

    #5568
    lily
    Participant

    Hi again Sweepy, I forgot to say in my last post that he can self exclude (ie get banned) from casino’s, bookies, and online, this will mean it is harder for him to gamble even if he does get access to money if he hasn’t already and give you a little more reassurance. Its all about recovery now, his (which you have no control over) and yours (which you do). Lily x

    #68388
    Andy_?
    Participant

    Oh dear, it’s so important to stay strong and take of your own mental health, when going through all this. Sometimes, it’s so hard, and the worst thing is lack of trust and constant fear. Stay strong!

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