Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Feel so guilty for not being there

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  • #6777
    beingstrong100
    Participant

    Hey, I need support for saying to my friend that I can not be there anymore financially or emotionally as I can’t handle the worry and consequences…so worried about the CG and what will 

    happen to him.

    #6778
    dunc
    Participant

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #6779
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi B

    I couldn’t believe it, my internet connection went down after the group but here as promised:-

    YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

    There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
    One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
    The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
    Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
    This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    Hope it helps
    As Ever
    Velvet

    #6780
    beingstrong100
    Participant

    Hi,
    Velvet, thank you for the tip to start my own thread. I got so caught up reading about Amy’s experience that I could recognise a lot of what I went through.

    To everyone who don’t know my story, if you read this-
    my ex is a CG, he left me many months ago as he said he needed to be alone due to the addiction as didn’t get the relationship I deserved, we had then been together for many years and I had been the enabler (although I didn’t know this word then) for most of that time. I was so devastated when he left me (I easily get separation anxiety, and also I loved him so much, and still do) I stayed in touch with him in the hope that we could one day get together again- if only he sorted out his addiction. I continued “helping” supporting emotionally and financially at any time of day- most of the time he was ok, good at his job, started therapy and there seemed to be hope, but every now and then fell for gambling, large amounts. I knew of course that this kind of relationship and the cycle we were in was not healthy, but I was in denial and also really didn’t know how to break it as I had become addicted to it as well, very strongly.

    In the end we hit the wall, I was finally so emotionally exhausted by the concern and no money left so I’m now estranged by no contact- it feels scary and I feel guilty and like I’m an awful person. I hope by me staying away (which I need for my recovery) will help him, to know I’m out of the picture for now so he can concentrate on dealing with it all, once and for all and really feel better. Of course it may be hard for him, but when those thoughts pains me (thinking of him suffering and what will happen) I think about that the way I tried it so far didn’t work, so I need to change tactics. But I feel terrible and think and think of all the what ifs and that I should be there as a friend to talk to at least. But I was no good help anymore right?

    I wish with all my heart that he will be happy and well. I love him and care for him and hope he knows it and feels it. AND I want good things for me too, because I matter. In the end of the day I believe he would want that too, the “dance” we did for a long time is not productive.

    Has anyone done the same action? Any advice on how to deal with it? How long shall I stay out? I’m still tired from everything…but feel selfish.
    Any support welcome. I’m trying to stay strong. I just want to best for him and for me too.

    thank you

    #6781
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Strong
    You are definitely not an awful person – you are allowing the man you love the space to discover that he alone has to face the consequences of his behaviour -because as long as you stop him taking this responsibility he had no reason to change.
    I know it is contrary to what you believe is how you should show your love – you want to nurture and protect. It is a sad truth, however, that protecting a compulsive gambler from hurting himself can often only prolongs the pain.
    Because you love him you are standing back – that takes strength.
    You ask, ‘Has anyone done the same action?’ and the answer is yes – me. It was not a choice I wanted to make but I had to stand back. The compulsive gambler in my life told me, when he eventually changed his life, that as long as I enabled he saw no reason to face his demons. He was afraid to face them; he believed that he would prove to me that he knew what he was doing – that gambling would save him. Because he has an addiction to gamble, he could not save himself by gambling, he could only spiral down to an abyss of misery, debt and desperation – I would have tried to stop that BS, if I could have done, by enabling but fortunately I went to Gam-Anon and learned that what I was doing was not healthy for him, or for me.
    I don’t know how long it will take your loved one to change but I do know that you deserve a life without the addiction to gamble. I know that given time, you will ‘deal’ with it provided you fill you life with friends, hobbies and interests that you enjoy. You are not selfish, you are being selfless and I wish you so much joy in your future.
    I hope to talk to you again in real time soon but in the meantime keep looking after yourself and looking forward. Use this past experience as reference only, it is not a good place in which to dwell.
    Keep posting
    Velvet

    #6782
    beingstrong100
    Participant

    Hi V,
    thank for your words, they mean a lot to me. My CG contacted me anyways again, and I kept my stance. As I had feared he was in trouble again due to the addiction but I don’t know exactly how and didn’t ask the details. I said I will continue to disconnect from everything even if he asked for me to be mental support- I just can not and it doesn’t work as I always get drawn back, I’m not good support- we have seen that. It hurt so bad to say it. He said then that’s it means for good and that he is not well but will try to move and fix things. I told him supportive words and that he can sort it, and that I’m so sorry, it felt awful, panicky, as in my heart I’m crying for not being able to be there. But it had started to take its’ toll on my health, mentally and physically. I need to recover. Just torn whether to contact CG’s family but I’m not sure it will help anyone, maybe make things worse. I don’t dare and don’t know if I’ll be good at dealing with that contact. I’m trying to do things for me now, but it’s tough after so long. I think about what you said and what I read, that there comes a time when you need to step back (like you did), I just wish I didn’t have to do it so fully but I’ve really tried to be there. Feel so scared of what this means for CG. I only want good things and happiness for him, and me. I’m tired of thinking, doubting, dwelling, making decisions. I’ll try to stay strong.
    Thank you again. Are you in the next FF session?

    #6783
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi BS
    I am definitely in the next F&F session.
    I think I might have said this before but it is good to direct compulsive gamblers to the right support, such as GA or dedicated counsellors or rehabs. Maybe you could find out if there is anything in your area.
    It is possible that he just doesn’t know where to turn to get the tools to help him control his addiction. He might not want to know which is also common – he might just be offering lip-service to make you feel sorry for him.
    You think logically and can possible find the support for him that he either doesn’t want to know about or doesn’t know is there.
    Hopefully we will ‘speak’ again tomorrow evening
    Velvet

    #6784
    beingstrong100
    Participant

    Hi V
    I’ve told him, many times, pointed out places. The last time not long ago. Your site and told him to go to meetings. Everything. And he’s been in therapy. He says he doesn’t need it, that it doesn’t work. He knows helplines and other support… I feel powerless in it. I just wish him love and strength. And for myself.
    Thank you

    #6785
    beingstrong100
    Participant

    Hi V
    I’ve told him, many times, pointed out places. The last time not long ago. Your site and told him to go to meetings. Everything. And he’s been in therapy. He says he doesn’t need it, that it doesn’t work. He knows helplines and other support… I feel powerless in it. I just wish him love and strength. And for myself.
    Thank you

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