14 August 2019 at 11:04 pm #6857RGParticipant
Hi. I’m new here and I stumbled upon this site while feeling really down because my husband has gambling problems. He’s in sort of denial. I feel at a lost. We have 2 small kids and I am a stay-at-mom. My husband goes to a casino almost every night. He spends upto 10 hours playing… More time than what he spends with his family and work. He sleeps the whole day and pops in at work for a few hours. Nobody knows he gambles and he doesn’t want anyone to know. I cover up for him for all our family and friends. I’m stuck with this secret and I’m feeling so bad about his addiction. I’m so alone and I have no one to talk to about how I’m feeling. He won’t hear me out too.
I’ve heard all his BS excuses over and over on why he needs to gamble. Just recently he had learn how to say sorry but that it’s just to get me off his back. He started making promises too but he never kept his word about lessening his gambling days. It’s so hurtful as I was really hoping he would keep his word. He often say I’ll only be very quick leaving after dinner and I can wait up for him but he never came home until it was morning already leaving me waiting and waiting. He doesn’t answer my messages or calls. He would even get mad and blame me that I distracted him so he lost. I feel so disappointed.
On weekends, we take the kids out to eat lunch and dinner but he’ll be super sleepy and can’t wait for us to finish eating lunch so he could go to sleep. After dinner, he drives really fast… in a rush so he could go to the casino. There are times the kids would get sick and had to be brought to the ER… When we get home he figured he doesn’t need to tend to or care for our kids, so he would just leave me and gamble. I would message him if one of kids get really sick while he’s gambling but that still won’t make him come home.
There were times before he would win big but these past few month I know that he has never come home with any winning at all. His wallet is always empty. He goes to the atm often. He took money from our joint accounts, withdrew money from our kid’s bank account, and I saw sms alerts from his credit card regarding his cash advances. It’s worst now, I think he just won’t come home until his last money is gone. He’s trying to win back all his losses which I told him is impossible. By now he already lost so much but more than money is time.
He does provide well for us. He have saved up for our kids education. While I don’t have a job so I depend on him financially. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave him… I have nowhere to go to. I can’t take the kids with me too because I am not in any position to support them financially. It will break my heart of they grow up without their dad. They adore him even with the little time he gives us. I feel so worthless that he would choose gambling over me and his family all the time even if he denies it but it’s 100% seems that way. I realized my kids are the only reason I want to live.
We don’t have divorce in our country so it’s not easy to leave your spouse. It’s very complicated and costly to get marriages annulled.15 August 2019 at 9:01 am #6858duncParticipant
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
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Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
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You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team19 August 2019 at 5:13 pm #6859velvetModerator
You are a unique and special person with an actively addicted husband; in no way are you worthless.
Your husband did not and does not choose his addiction, he neither asked for it nor wanted it but sadly for him and you, when he first gambled, (as so many people do without a problem), addiction was waiting for him. I know it is hard to understand but he doesn’t deliberately want to hurt you.
Your husband doesn’t want anybody to know that he gambles because he wants to carry on without taking responsibility. The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy and depends on loved ones covering up but I believe that loved ones need all the support they can get. Do you have any close friends or family that you could confide in – it will hopefully be easier to confide when you know that there is nothing to be ashamed about and that nobody is to blame? Maybe you could tell them that you are gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble and you don’t need advice but you would welcome support and friendship just for yourself.
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave them for him to look at – it might help him to realise that his addiction is recognised and understood but that there is a lot of support for him if he wants to change his life. Our Helpline is available to him, it is one-to-one, private and non-judgemental. If he is confident that he can handle his gambling then he has nothing to lose by contacting them.
There is nothing that I can say that will stop your husband gambling. Maybe you could tell him that you have sought support for yourself because you are taking his problem seriously even if he will not. Many gamblers do not think that their loved ones need support! Like you, I find the word ‘sorry’ totally inadequate, it is only actions that prove real regret. All the promises in the world c o u n t for nothing if a gambler is actively addicted. Does your husband ever accept he has a problem even if he doesn’t accept its severity?
You cannot save your husband sadly but you can look after yourself and your children – they naturally love their dad but in time they will see that he is constantly letting them down. You are the role model; you are their rock.
It might be that your husband’s addiction has to hurt him before he wakes up to the enormity of his addiction, however, you are aware now and you can take steps to improve your life. Do something for yourself every day, something that takes your mind away from your worry – see friends, take up hobbies or renew interests that you have lost because your mind has been focusing on his addiction.
I hope you will keep posting, I am sorry that the forum is so quiet at the moment but I can assure you that I do listen and will always respond. I am going on holiday for 2 weeks starting next Saturday but I will look for you as soon as I get back. I will of course respond this week if you post again shortly.
My thoughts are with you
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