10 July 2017 at 8:07 pm #5810
My partner and I have been together four years now.
At first his gambling problem didn’t show through until we started living together. There have been a few occasions where he would gamble his wages within an hour of getting paid and I’m left pay the rent and bills all that month as well as feeling anger and hate towards him. Even if he doesn’t gamble all his wages he’ll pay some bill money then gamble the rest and be asking me for money for necessities throughout the month.
The reason I decided to come here is because recently we’ve been wanting to rent a house together. The month I was going to take the house he decided to gamble all his wages which made me look stupid and made me feel anger towards him I was so excited telling everyone and then I had to make up some excuse why I couldn’t move in that month. Hoping now to move in this month even though I’m not sure I want to anymore because I’d still be living with someone who gambles badly and I don’t see a future with someone like that. Another example is that we had a holiday booked and he gambled all our holiday money the day before we left so we ended up taking a loan off a family member and it ruined the whole holiday. He is very in denial about his gambling and says he will get help when I’m angry but then never does. He thinks he can help himself by getting his wages transferred straight to my bank account but then makes up excuses like there’s a lot going on in work and he doesn’t want to annoy them.
It leads to a lot of arguments and I don’t want to stay with someone that I can’t have a happy future with. I genuinely feel like I’ve done all I can do and he doesn’t want to change.10 July 2017 at 8:10 pm #5811
I must also admit he’s 12 years older than me and has a problem with binge drinking as well.10 July 2017 at 8:25 pm #5812charlesModerator
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care10 July 2017 at 8:26 pm #5813charlesModerator
Hi Braze, well done on making your first post. You will get a lot of support here. Hopefully I will see you in the New members group which starts at 9pm (UK time)11 July 2017 at 10:59 am #5814
I am glad that you have written your post – living with an active compulsive gambler is very confusing if you are always hoping that things will change but believing deep down they will not.
Your post is peppered with lines such as ‘ I don’t want to stay with someone that I can’t have a happy future with’, ‘feeling anger and hate towards him’, ‘made me look stupid and made me feel anger towards him’ – what you don’t say is whether or not you love him. I’m not asking you to tell me the answer to that but living with a CG (compulsive gambler) is such a roller-coaster experience, until they face reality and change, that I am wondering if you care for him enough to support him towards changing his life.
I am hoping that you keep posting and perhaps join our Friends and Family group on Thursday between 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time or 8-9pm BT because there is support for CGs if they want it and I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that a CG can change his/her life and live wonderful gamble-free lives.
I cannot tell you what to do but if I wasn’t sure about renting a house with someone, for whatever reason, I wouldn’t do it – until I was sure. I would want the decision to be mine based on knowledge and understanding.
Everything that you have written is understood and I hope that when you read your own words again you will see what it is that ‘you’ really want out of your relationship and life because ‘you’ matter.
I don’t know what your final outcome will be, unfortunately we are not blessed with a crystal ball but as I said earlier if you intend going on with your relationship I hope you will keep posting and gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble so that you can make the informed decision that is right for you.
Velvet11 July 2017 at 10:30 pm #5815frankie06Participant
Hi i can relate to your problem, i too live with a compulsive gambler and it took a year for me to be with him and fall in love with him before he told me his addiction. By that time it was too late and i’d stay with him regardless of how bad his problem was. Really naive of me i guess but thats what love does it blinds u.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we both love eah other. I gave him an ultimatum though which u might find helpful in your finance situation. He was gambling his wages literally 10 minutes of it going in his bank and when we moved in to a place i told him your going to give me your debit card and i will be in control of the rent and bill money etc. If you dont want to do that i can’t live with you and we can’t be together. He knew inside he couldnt be responsible for the bills due to his gambling problem. I also set up the online banking app with his bank coz i had access to his debit card and i was living at his address at home at the time after we had our son i lived with his mum and brother. So i could open his post and get the online banking sorted so i have direct access to his wage and put bill money aside etc. But with the rest oft he money left i had no chhoice but to keep some back for petrol, fags and other expenditures throughout the month otherwise id be left paying everything.
It has got easier for me in the last 3 years of our relationship and our son has brought us together. Unfortunately he hasnt seeked help and i think it will take a massive shock to the system until he does. He has admitted he has a really bad gambling problem which is a big step.
I hope this helped for you and that it shows yout not alone.
Take care12 July 2017 at 10:50 am #5816
All my experience tells me that ultimatums to CGs do not work. A compulsive gambler is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not.
Ultimatums to a CG are more often than not the red rag to the bull, giving them the chance to call the bluff of the loved one and discover the weak link. When the ultimatum is not carried through in its entirety, the CG can relax and be fairly assured that life will continue its own sweet way but with the added benefit of knowing that their addiction is strengthened by the inability of the loved one to carry out the ultimatum. Never issue an ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry it out to the nth degree – it is not and never will be a bargaining chip.
I am hoping you will post again soon with an update
Velvet12 July 2017 at 8:03 pm #5817
Thanks for the advice. After his last two gambles he’s admitted he’s felt depressed and tried to talk to me about it but he doesn’t like opening up his feeling so I just didn’t poke for information just left it. He’s admitted he’s getting the bank details changed that his wage goes into so that it will go direct to my bank and that I can pay the bills etc and save some and give him a set amount each week for clothes or whatever which he probably will gamble but that’s all he will get each week. He knows himself he can’t be trusted. When he’s in that mood and gambling and losses all his money he’ll throw his tablet across the room and try to blame me because I was asking him to stop because I knew what he was doing.
I want to stay with him but changes are needed.22 July 2017 at 12:07 pm #5818
It would be good to get an update.
Maybe next time he opens up you could tell him that you are listening. This is no reflection on what you have been doing but I would imagine that all F&F spend hours, days and weeks trying to talk to their loved one to no avail – I know I did.
Are you now handling his finances? Many CG find having their finances looked after really helpful – especially when they truly want to change but are struggling.
‘If’ your partner had gone into rehab he would have had to ask for money for whatever and say what he wanted it for and then when he returned from the shops a receipt would have been be required. It might sound as though they are being treated as children but those who accept it as a way forward know that they are not being treated as children but as human beings who need the right support to tackle an horrendous problem.
Yes change is needed but your partner has to want that change. When you are listening look for the little gems that say he is truly ready to accept and then perhaps ask for ways he feels you could support him best – obviously not by handing over cash on demand. Giving cash to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. He probably will get angry when he doesn’t get the money he wants and I know how hard it is to resist but if you want to stay with him he needs you on his side against his addiction and that takes enormous strength and determination. In my opinion, you will be amazed at the strength you have.
I wish you well
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