8 May 2013 at 10:08 am #1775waikanaeParticipant
Things went faster than I imagined. I came back from China and found out he gambled all his salary when I was away and left $700 bills. I got furious at once, he possibly realized that there was no hope this time, collected his stuff and drove back to his moms place.
I actually predicted that it would be a very bad situation after I got back. But I still felt a bit hesitant to cut off from him. I thought it would be a very painful process, begging, crying, arguing, and so on. A couple of times, I found I was still trying to find a new solution, trying to persuade myself to stay, though I knew I already run out of energy, patience and methods. An image always appear in my mind: I am desperately holding his hand, try to stop him falling down to the bottom of a cliff. I know I am exhausted, but cant stand to see his falling. We married for 4 years, and I fight with this horrible addiction for 4 years, try to save them. But things are very clear now, i just couldnt success. Its a battle I already lost.
Its the third day since he moved out. In the first day, I felt so bad, kept blaming myself, kept asking myself Did I really try my best?. I felt guilty to let him struggle by himself. If I stayed, things wont be that bad. But there is another voice:Can I afford to stay? Do I have enough love and patience and money to support his life? How about my own life? What else can I do to help him? Its cruel to leave, but is it also cruel for myself to stay?
I dont want to get back. I want to lead a normal and clean life, without such a lot of pains. But get so sad when thinking of him. I think, in the future, every time I think of him, I will still feel the pain and sadness, but I really have to go. I just have to learn to live with this pain.
My heart is still in a strange condition. I always suddenly burst in to tears, when walking on the street, watching TV, driving home, even cooking. I think I am just too sad.
I think I made the right decision to leave this marriage. Just feel sooooooo sad for him.
Waikanae8 May 2013 at 2:18 pm #1776velvetModerator
It is good to hear from you again. Although your outcome was not the one you fought for you have changed and you are better equipped for your future. You have put yourself in a better position physically, financially and mentally and this sadness you feel, I really believe, will pass.
Yes you did try your best – I know that. I remember your lovely posts, full of strength and determination – a strength and determination your husband did not share, which was not your fault. We cannot save everybody and your husband it seems was determined to resist.
Your husband is not struggling alone – he has his addiction with him, the addiction that he chooses to keep in his life.
The first days are bound to be the worst. I would like to say remember the peace you got when you were away from the addiction but I suspect a large part of your mind was always with it. In time it won’t be. With regard to the image of him falling – I can relate to that – I cannot tell you what to do – but if it was me I would let the image move on – let him fall and then see him bounce a bit, watch him struggle a bit but then stand up and walk away. The image is in ‘your’ mind and you can change it. Our minds are capable of moving on from bad images if we want them it enough and you are strong enough to do it.
Will you stay in NZ?
I hope the following will at least make you smile and maybe give you food for thought
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway
It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
It is time for you to have the normal life you crave. All the ups and down you have lived through have been like the dirt on the donkey but you have climbed up – you can and will survive.
You were supporting his life at the expense of your own and that didn’t help you and ultimately didn’t change him – you could do no more.
I am saddened that you are sad but I hope that in time you will return and update once again because I believe you are a success to this forum. Grieve for the end of your relationship but rejoice that the addiction will not harm you further.
Thank you for coming back with this update – I have often wondered how you were
9 May 2013 at 10:43 pm #1777waikanaeParticipant
Thanks very much for your reply. It’s so helpful, I don’t know how many ***** I read your words yesterday. It’s just what I need to listen in this kind of testing time. I need to ****** I am making the right decision. I still feel a bit weak some*****. Your words really help me a lot.
I love the donkey story. That’s so right. Life always throws something we don’t like on us. Just have to learn how to cope with it, more important how to turn it out to be a new step to climb up a bit.
I am trying to stop thinking of him by keeping myself busy. Without doing things, all the worries will get stronger and stronger. Still feel sad for him, especially thinking that he already suffered a lot from the marriage failure before, his kids are estranged, and now, he lost his last chance to lead a normal life. He is 57 already, no any assets, no solid plan for his own retirement. His mother can leave a bit money for him, but how much is enough for a gambler? I don’t know.
As you said, I have been trying to save him from falling down on the expense of my own life.I tried so hard, pushed myself so hard, now I just can’t carry on anymore. It’s really cruel to me. I gave up my plan to be a mom, spent more than half my life saving to support our daily life, swallowed down so many confusion, anguish, sadness and pain. I just feel part of my heart is dead, the other part is crying for leaving.
I am worried that he will come back to beg me to stay. I don’t want to face it. It’s so cruel to say ” No” on his face. I pray he won’t do it.
I think you are right, we can’t save everyone.
Yes, I will stay in New Zealand. I possibly will go back to China every so often to do some contract work for my ex-boss. But I still hope to base in NZ. I just need to move to a new place, get a fresh starting.
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