16 July 2013 at 7:41 am #1461waikanaeParticipant
Dear Velvet and others
After having separated with my gambler husband for three months, I feel finally it’s over, finally I can sit down to write this post to say thanks everyone, and I walked out the storm now.
There have been soooo many tears, sooooo many back and forth thinking within this three months. I argued with myself, with him, with even his manipulative mother in my mind. Actually, I just tried to confirm to myself, it’s right decision to leave, I have done enough and I can’t do more even I go back. To leave, it’s cruel to him, no doubt about this. But to stay, it is cruel to myself, it’s doubtless too. What is different this time is that there is one thing clear and strong in my mind: no matter how hard to me right now, I just can’t go back. No matter how struggled I am, I just have to get things done and push myself out of this. I have to say it’s so hard, harder than I imagined. I remember once a mutual friend, who didn’t know what was happening, just mentioned she met him in the bridge club. I suddenly bursted into tears when his name was spoken out from her mouth. She was astonished. Actually I was a bit astonished by myself too. Yes, I was so sad, sad for him, sad for myself, sad for all the things I have to cut off. I took an online test about depression level, the result is something like “suicidal tendency, you should go to see the psychiatrist as soon as possible.” I felt I was like going to get drawn in the sadness and loneliness. I can’t recall clearly how I managed to get over that stage. I am still sad, very stressful as my finance condition is not stable and living cost is so high when no one can share with you. My contract job will be finished on Sept. Not very sure about where is the next job. But I finally start to feel freer and more peaceful. (In the very beginning, my mind was completely controlled by the sadness, couldn’t get this free feeling at all)
He came around to take some stuff this evening. I found I can talk with him calmly right now. There are still some grudges against him and his mother left in my mind, but gradually I am setting myself free from it. I just want to turn the page over. Just let me go. I can tell that he is still gambling. But somehow he managed to pay for the bridge matches and still enjoy it very much. This makes me quite relieved. I remember Velvet said, he will drop down to the bottom of the cliff, but will bounce back a bit and walk away. Now I can see, he is bouncing back. So things are not that horrible as what I have been imagining.
We used to have a plan to go to south America. I suggested it again, I don’t mind to go there with him. He is nice guy if not being control by the addiction. I told me to set up an automatic account to save money for the trip. He is quite happy about it. When seeing him off, he promised again about saving money for the trip. Walking back to my door, I was wondering whether he can manage to do it or not. However, it won’t be my problem anymore if he can’t. Yes, a huge burden has been removed from my shoulder, from my mind and my heart. Velvet, I really want to thank you, along this way, your words keep playing in my mind. When I was overwhelmed by the sadness, I just repeated what you said “I am sure the sadness will pass.” to myself. When I was feeling guilty for leaving him and trying to find the possibility to stay, I can hear you say :” You are doing this at the expanse of your own life.” When I was sad for his unfulfilled dreams, I can think of your said:” it’s also very cruel to turn your dreams down.” Yes, Velvet, it’s like you prepared every stepping-stones for me when I was trying to cross the turbulent river. I don’t know how to express my gratefulness to you.
I am still facing a great challenge: to establish my life financially, socially and practically in this foreign country. But I think the darkest period has just past. Things won’t be harder than this. I have no option but keep struggling, trying and fighting. However, at least I don’t need to suffer from all the negative experience brought about by a gambler husband. I didn’t win the battle, but at least I can start a new battle.
Want to thanks everyone again. Best wishes for every one.
Waikane1 September 2013 at 3:11 pm #1462chingParticipant
Dear Waikanae I have just joined this site as I am struggling once again, after my partner of 18 years caused a row 6 days ago and emptied the bank account just so he could leave to gamble every penny away. I haven’t heard from him since. I sit here with dread and worry as I know from past experience he will be back when every penny has gone. I wish I was as brave as you to end this realationship once and for all. My head is telling me excactly what to do. But my heart is still holding on to the man I fell in love with, hoping and praying he will change. I wish you luck and admirer your corages decision. It really helps me reading such success stories.Take one day at a time.
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