Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family First time here, it is time for me to heal somehow now

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #5722
    Mal
    Participant

    I have been living the gambling nightmare now for about 20 years.
    I guess i’me to soft but i think it is over now, my relationship that is.
    I guess all in all she has blown upwards of 150000 k in that time.
    I finally told my daughter why things have been the way they were for so long as she is old enough now (21) . The first time we split she was only 9 and would not have understood.
    It broke her heart and broke mine even more but i got to stay as strong as i can for her and myself.
    I think i did the right thing, she thanked me afterwards.
    There is a good chance that we will lose our house, i cant afford it all on my own.
    The latest explosion was on saturday afternoon when i questioned my partner why we were not saving as much as normal, she flew of the handle told me i can take care of all the finances now, which by the way i should have secured ages ago then blamed me for not supporting her for looking after her mother who has cancer which i was doing to the best of my ability, she just turned on me, i knew then my suspisions were right.
    Since then i have been completely ignored, she could’nt care less if i was dead.
    Today on wednesday i finally took the bull by the horns, setup my online banking again and decided it was time to view the damage.
    4300 dollars gone from 1 account which was all that was in there and plenty of gambling on the other account, awesome stuff.
    Anyway i have removed her from the account and yet to face the beast when she finds out.
    Discovered another debt in my name which i was not aware off, have now stopped access to that one.
    I knew my feelings of mistrust were justified i told her i have no trust in her. damn this hurts.
    I still love this woman, why i dont know, but is it worth it ???
    I have used this site for a while now gaining knowledge on this addiction, educating myself. I know now she can only help herself i cant do a thing to stop it.
    I’me actually a sensative person which i hate but i am what i am, i feel i’ve grown some but i know there is going to be more pain yet which ever way this goes

    #5723
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    <

    Hello Mal

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and  terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
      

    #5724
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Mal
    It probably isn’t that you are too soft; I would imagine you are kind and maybe a little naive about how to handle the situation you found yourself in, which is understandable.
    You say you split about 12 years ago but obviously you got back together again and I wondered why. Did your partner accept she has a serious problem? Did she seek support? Did she change? Did ‘you’ do something different? Under what conditions did you resume your relationship?
    I see that you have been following the forum for some time so I think you have probably come across the fact that threatening someone with an addiction and then not carrying it through 100%, will give their addiction the green light to carry on because a CG will probably c o u n t on nothing changing, which is, after all, just another gamble.
    I cannot tell you what to do because a large part of healing comes from individuals making their own decision on their own lives, preferable having gained knowledge and understanding – which you are doing.
    However, I am glad that you have removed your partner from your a c c o u n t and I would recommend that you keep a closer eye on it and all your possessions because an active CGs, looking for funds, can often find money in ways that non-CGs would consider impossible.
    Your partner cannot trust herself, so I don’t understand why it hurts you to know you cannot trust her – this addiction will not go away without treatment and her addiction is not the fault of either of you.
    I would imagine that unless your partner gets treatment and good support it will become even more difficult for you to care for her but only you can answer the question of whether or not it is worth your while loving her.
    I see nothing wrong with being sensitive. Even though I experienced living with the addiction to gamble for far too many years I know I always was and always will be sensitive. Saving myself didn’t make me hard but it did give back control of my own life – I was no longer the puppet of someone else’s addiction.
    I too can see that whichever course you take now there will be more pain but you are aware of what is causing that pain and you can make an informed choice.
    Keep posting and maybe tell you partner about this site and/or GA.
    I wish you well
    Velvet

    #5725
    Mal
    Participant

    Hi velvet,
    I decided to go back to my partner because once the dust settled i felt that i still loved her, she was apologetic but did’nt admit to having a serious problem.
    I cant remember all the details but i remember her saying she was seeing a councellor, dont know if she truly was or not but that lasted maybe 2 or 3 visits.
    I had access to the account then and used to check it often finding that she would gamble after seeing the councellor as well as other times, nothing had changed but there seemed to be glimpses of hope to me at times.

    I did’nt have a clue what the addiction was capable off i was completely ignorant to it, i just hoped she would stop so we could be happy again.
    I made the mistake of burying my head i just wanted her in my life, i did’nt know how to deal with it, she had a way with me.

    I have reflected so many times and i felt like a complete fool i should’nt have gone back, but it was my decision and i accept that.
    Our relationship is done, she cant afford to move out neither can i, neither of us can afford this house on our own it’s not a nice situation, just gotta keep my chin up while i try and work out what i can do.
    I only started reading posts on this site about a year ago thats when i learnt about the addiction we spoke i told her how i understood it as best as i ever could, she admitted to some things she had kept secret, i thought maybe this could be a turning point., long story short, nup.
    She still cant see a problem with what she does, if i mentioned this site to her she would probably tell me where to go.
    I have given up on her , it is done.

    #5726
    Mal
    Participant

    It is mid afternoon, i read yesterdays post back to myself, and i thought to myself you sound angry frustrated and self centred.
    I suddenly remembered my CGs good qualities and i felt my heart melt a bit, i thought-what you must be going through and then some tears fell.

    you must be going through and then some tears fell

    #5727
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Mal
    You must have been reading a different post to the one I read. I read a post written by someone in despair and more worryingly written by someone who had given up not just on the person he loved but himself too, which creates the perfect atmosphere in which an addiction can grow.
    You are both going through pain but it is so important that you deal with your pain first because in a weakened state you cannot support her as she needs to be supported if she wants to live a gamble-free life..
    Stick with the forum and please join the F&F group.
    I will reply more fully later but I just wanted you to know I am listening and I understand what you are saying.
    Velvet
    You may never know what results come from you actions but if you do nothing there will be no results – Mahatma Gandi

    #5728
    Mal
    Participant

    Hi velvet
    I hear what you are saying and i understand, i am so appreciative of your guidance it is a godsend.
    She said to me last night i want to sell this house, i want to set myself up i cant be here any more, she txt me saying i acheived what i wanted i broke her,not showing compassion this has all happened since i took control of the main account.
    She thinks all i care about is money, i just wanted to stop the damage in the account, she does’ nt see it that way.
    My daughter was so very upset this morning that we are going to seperate, i held her while she cried and told her we will get through this, she is aware of what is going on and wanted to talk to her mum but was afraid to, i said would you regret it if you did’nt, she said yes so i said swallow your fear and talk to her but be aware you may not hear what you want.
    She did’nt hear what she wanted to hear.
    All week if i tried to talk to my cg she would attack me verbally saying money money money is all you care about, she has shut me out i cant communicate with her.
    I see now i have been an enabler, the penny has finallly dropped, i feel mysef growing wiser and stronger inside and understand what you mean when you say i must deal with my own pain first.
    I guess this comes naturally to some people, i had to learn it.
    One thing i forgot to say was my cg is dealing with the fact her mum has terminal cancer, and having a hard time at work.
    I know this makes it a lot harder for her.
    I guess it is to late.

    #5729
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Mal
    As your CG has made the decision to call time on your relationship whilst blaming you it is difficult to know what to suggest apart from allowing her the space to go and do what she has threatened to do when hopefully she will come to realise that her addiction is the problem and not her family.
    Your scenario mirrors my own experience – my CG walked away, blaming me and saying he was going to go and prove himself and prove to me that he wasn’t a CG and could make it without me.
    Your CG’s mother’s terminal condition will almost certainly be having a reaction in her gambling distorted mind and is possibly the reason that she is being so extreme in her behaviour. She probably/possibly feels she has disappointed her mother, CGs have very low self-esteem because of the constant feelings of failure that comes with constantly losing. It is not uncommon that gambling increases at times of stress such as this.
    You sound a great dad and I am sure you are helping your daughter understand that her mother is not deliberately hurting her or you however much it seems that she must be aware.
    The verbal attacks telling you that money is all you care about is her way of deflecting her problem. If you are to blame then she doesn’t need to accept responsibility – I would imagine that in the not too distant future she will come to rue walking away but sadly her reaction will probably be to blame you further and possibly gamble in a more extreme way – either way I suspect she will be heading for a fall.
    Does she have an occupation that pays well or is she expecting you to fund her ‘setting herself up’?
    I think the same applies to CGs as it does to non-CGs when it comes to threats. It is important that non-CGs do not make threats they do not intend to carry through or cannot carry through. I would imagine your CG is having a knee- jerk reaction possibly to her mother illness or hearing you will no longer enable – either way it does not seem to be a well-thought out plan on her part. I cannot tell you what to do but if she walks away, I hope you won’t feel you have to agree to things you do not agree with to get her to change her mine.
    I hope all this makes sense and I hope you will keep posting.
    I wish you and your daughter well. If she wants to join the F&F group on Thursday or start her own thread on the forum she will be more than welcome although I suspect you are doing an excellent job of keeping her in the picture.
    Velvet

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.