9 January 2011 at 4:48 pm #2620lovinglibraParticipant
Hope you are all ok and a Happy New Year to you all. I haven’t been back to this site until now as it was too hard for me to do so but I felt compelled today to write and update to you all on my life.
I do have an old thread but wanted to start a new one "new me, new thread" so to speak. For anyone who doesn’t remember me I was in a relationship with a CG we had been together 18 months, after 12 months he moved in with me. I loved him dearly and tried to help him but the addiction was too strong and with that came compulsive lies, aggression, manipulation and, yes you know the rest.
He moved in July 2009 and things were great, he wasn’t physically gambling although i’ve now realised that doesn’t really make a difference, it’s still there sitting on your shoulder. However he was a nicer person.
In January 2010 things went down hill and his behaviour changed, classically back to that of his CG alter ego. Nothing specific but women’s instinct, i just knew. I asked him outright and he swore to me he wouldn’t do it again he had been clean etc etc but one morning I found a bank statement at the bottom of the bed, it was like someone had placed it there for me, and my suspiscions were confirmed. He was back to £500 gambling a day. I confronted him and he cooly denied it until I produced the statement to which he had no choice to admit he was. He was sorry, he didnt want to tell me, he’d let me down, he’d get help bla bla bla. This was his second relapse since being with me.
(I have learnt that with CG unless you have evidence you can forget the truth!)
He promised to change, all the usual we have all had, he gave me his bank cards, I gave him money, we went to GA….but that doesn’t stop the compulsion deep within. He was horrible to me in many ways and he ended up in the attic and I basically became his carer, looking back, we wern’t a couple, yes we did couple things, I was desperate for it to work, he just took advantage of my good nature.
Simultaneously to this we were recieved couple councelling "sexual therapy" to be presice, due to the fact he was refusing any kind of physcial contact. This was going nowhere for me and he knew how to play the game with the therapist.Up to splitting up it had been 11 long months!
His behaviour detiorated, he gave up I think. He became increasingly aggressive towards me, threats of violence, intimidation, throwing things at me and I was actually scared of him. We’d have all the apologies aferwards but I knew deep down this was not the man I could marry or have children with. Life was a blur and I covered alot up, it took alot of energy to pretend to the outside world I was happy.
He lost his London flat due to substantial rent arrears, but he didnt care about that as he was living here. He’d been getting loans out, one after the other, most at stupidly high APR’s. He’d maxed out his credit card and had nothing.
One weekend in July he went to London for the weekend to finalise the flat and I found a website on my laptop Fling.com with all his details on and linked to his email with his password, i was devestated. On top of this he was due home on Sunday evening, i was picking him up from the station but he never arrived, i finally got hold of him and he’d decided to stay until Monday, that was it, the straw that broke the camels back, i’d had enough. Something just clicked inside and I knew that was it, I had to do something. I took the Monday off work and I got a locksmith out and I changed the locks.
It’s been hell since. He slept on a friends sofa for the next 3 months and his gambling spirraled out of control. I felt immense gulit for what I’d done and felt i should help from a distance but it just hurt me more.
Some of his post still came to this address and I found loans he’d applied for putting his Spanish parents living at my address as guarantors (they live in Spain). He was in thousands of pounds worth of debt and had nothing but the pocessions that filled two black bags.
I have NEVER allowed him back into the house, yes we met up but he never tried to get me back or apologies etc…I’ve never understood that bit. He knew he’d gone too far but he never thought i’d end it. I shocked him.
On the back of all this I’d thought for some time since knowing him he pocessed alot of ADHD traits, he was very simiar to the children i work with in terms of behaviour, I’ve talked about it in my old thread. He agreed to get referred and i went with him to an ADHD specialist who has diagnosed him with with adult ADHD, it is a sad story as he should have been picked up as a child but in the 80’s children were just naughty or hyperactive, not ADHD. He was prescribed medication which would have helped with his impulsiveness but hes’s refused to take it, he’s not willing to accept he has a problem, ADHD wise or Gambling. I have read since that undiagnosed ADHD in children can lead to addiction in adulthood. Food for thought.
In October he got his own flat and that’s where he is now. living in denial and still gambling, however currently he’s on a winning streak so that’s ok (this is his way of justification) He owes thousands and has loan companies chasing him. He’s got further loans out and put himself living at addresses he’s never lived at! He’s re- pawned his pocessions, nothing means anything to him. I’m still the one who he takes it out on, he’s horrible to me and contray to everyone elses advice i’ve distantly kept an eye on him which has done nothing but hurt me as he doesn’t care.
This Christmas I decided I have to cut all contact and it’s very hard but I have to for my own sanity. so that’s me. there maybe people reading who knew this outcome, but until you are ready to make that break to decided this is NOT how you want to live your life, others words are fruitless.
My family and friends have been amazing. i couldn’t have done it without them and I talk about it freely with people now. Looking back i’m not sure how i lived like that!?!?
I still worry about him and care about him deeply, when i think about him I feel emmense sadness that he doesn’t value himself enough to want a better life, he works hard at his job and then he goes and gives it straight to William Hill.
I had talked to him about Gordon House but again, a million excuses appear. I think he will live like this for the rest of his life and only he cam change that or want better. He’s lost everyone who every loved and cared about him and I know they don’t dererve our care, thought ot love after the way they treat us but addiction is just so very sad. To stand back and watch a loved one destroy thelselves is heartbreaking.
Me? I;m getting there, my self esteem is on the floor, i have dated but nothing has come of it, I want to but not sure im’ ready even though i many think i am! July-October were a blur, I’m not sure How i carried on but I did, you have to I suppose. It’s only in hindsight I realise how comsuming, draining and demorilising loving and living with a CG. It’s not until your out of it you realise how bad it really was.
I hope I have’nt gone on too long but I wanted to write all that down. Thnak you for reading xx
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