[anongirlfriend]

My boyfriend has an addictive personality and even after recovering from substance abuse he has turned to online gambling – the current UK lockdowns have made this even harder for him.

Most days he will admit that he knows he has a problem, but the lying and gambling continue. We have tried countless ways to help him out, sometimes even sitting down to have a proper conversation about how we can help and setting limits on various accounts, but as I’m sure you know, when it comes to addiction, if he wants to continue he will certainly find a way. Despite acknowledging that he has a problem, he refuses to seek any help other than asking me to help or ‘fix it’, but there is only so much I can do.

My two biggest concerns are this:
I miss my boyfriend – like many people, he becomes a different person in the throes of his addiction and it is terribly sad to watch.

Also, one of our attempts to help him involved him signing up to GAMSTOP so he can no longer set up accounts in his name – all of his accounts are now in my name with my bank details. (He doesn’t gamble using my money, that has only ever happened once and I don’t have a job anymore thanks to COVID so he can only spend his own money anyway)
However, even if it is not my money being spent, it is still coming from my account and will show up on my statements. What will we do when it comes to buying a home etc.??

[velvet]

Hello
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

[velvet]

Hi AnonGF,

Admitting he has a problem is good but refusing to seek help is sadly common.

I have never heard, or seen, any evidence that recognises an addictive personality. I believe your boyfriend has learned his behaviours and therefore he can also learn to control them – but he must want to do so. What I am sure of, is that your boyfriend can learn to control his addiction but needs the right support.

It takes a lot of courage to face a severe gambling problem and your boyfriend may not want to face it because he is either afraid, or possibly because he just doesn’t want to – maybe he is not ready yet.

I’m sorry to say that sitting him down and putting limits. or ultimatums, on his gambling is extremely unlikely to make any difference. Your boyfriend may believe and may even promise, that he will work within the limits set but when his addiction is triggered, he will only be focused on the gamble, all warnings go out of the window.

Did your boyfriend ask to be signed up to Gamstop? I have seen gamblers ‘taken’ to Gamblers Anonymous meetings by well-meaning and often desperate families but the result is usually lip-service, to please the loved ones, with no change.

Please protect your own finances, keep your pin number and information on your accounts completely hidden from him. Your credit rating may well be affected in the future by him having access to your account. In my opinion, it would be best to open an account in his sole name. If he lets you handle his finances it is good provided you do not get hurt. He will take you all the way down to the bottom with him if you allow him to do so, not because he deliberately wants to hurt you but because he is being controlled by an addiction.

What can you do to support your boyfriend?

Many gamblers feel they are alone with nobody able to understand their problem. Sign-posting your boyfriend towards support, without pressure, might help him to see that he is far from alone and there is lots of support.

Gamblers often off-load their worries, leaving them free to gamble, unhindered by responsibility, while loved ones take on the debt and lose sleep worrying about how to help. I believe it is good to say that you will stand shoulder to shoulder with him but that you will not shoulder the burden alone.

The most important thing you can do is to put yourself first. If you allow his addiction to bring you down and ruin your finances and your health, then the addiction has gained. Keep up with friends and family, don’t let hobbies and interests slip – it is sadly too easy for loved ones to give a gambling addiction 24-hour care and attention while the gambler doesn’t worry about anything apart from getting money together for the next gamble.

I will get this reply off to you now but I hope you will keep posting

It would be good to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group on a Tuesday or Thursday evening.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by velvet.

[Author]

Posts