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  • #1722
    porkpie
    Participant

    Hi I’m new here, and after some advice!
    My boyfriend has been gambling since around August 2010, we have been together since November 2010.
    It has been an issue in the past, as he generally blows all his wages, and i’m left to pay for everything.
    I am a student at university and have had to use all my student finance money to pay bills etc.
    I have only £4.00 left in my account and no savings as they have all been spent.
    Last week he gambled around £1200, (His wages and his Tax Rebate) this money was meant for living expenses and to pay back his family.
    I only found out, that he had gambled the lot when i stated that we needed electric for the house.
    He seems apologetic, though he always does. This is from what i am aware the largest sum of money he has gambled.
    His parents and brother, were unaware of his gambling till a few days ago, and agreed to lend him some money to pay the rent.
    I am unsure as to what to do.
    I have covered up for him alot in the past, he gambled his entire wages in Janurary and Februaury.
    I have lied to my family and they think he hasn’t gambled for at least 9 months and the figure this time was only about £500. My mother says i should take all his possessions that are worth money and hold them as security, until he pays me back (around £2000) the figure he owes me. And that i should leave him.
    She says he will never change, and i could do so much better than him.
    When he isnt gambling our relationship is very stable, he doesnt drink or womanise. The only issue is i feel he takes me for granted and allows me to do all the house work, care for my mother and complete my university work.
    I am still quite young and he is 10 years older than me.
    Please could you advise me on what you all think the best steps will be to take and whether, any of you are aware of any good support sessions available in the south west of england.
    I hope all your lives are as stable as possible at the moment and you have all been fed.
    Thannk You very Much
    Pork Pie

    #1723
    adele
    Participant

    Dear Porkpie,
    I am in a very bad place with my cg at the moment and have not posted here for several days.
    But I just read your post and see that no one has yet replied so I am compelled to respond – even tho I am not capable of giving you the answers you seek. Our advisor for this forum – Velvet – is away for a few days or I am certain you would already have benefitted from her comforting wise words.
    It sounds as though you are young and at the threshhold of your adult life, trying to educate yourself in order to be an independent and productive adult – preparing yourself for as happy and satisfying a life as you hope to lead. And it sounds as though you are also trying to take care of your mother. This is a lot on your plate already, yes?
    There is no judgement here, so it is difficult for me to word this properly since I am vulnerable right now, and I am fairly new to this site myself.
    However, I can speak from my experience and what I have learned from reading many stories here, and utilizing the resources provided by this site. You can read Family and Friends stories in this forum, or CG’s stories in the My Journal forum, and look in to the Resources tab above, and get in to one of the live sessions to the right – the Live Advice Helpline is one-on-one. It has been most helpful to me. 
    I can only tell you that I have been married almost 25 years and our love has survived many challenges in that time. I have never seriously considered ending my marriage until this monster addiction appeared in our lives 2 years ago.
    I have come to know that it takes much more than love to overcome this thing. I know if I choose to stay in this marriage that my husband’s addiction will be the biggest challenge we have ever faced in 25 years! It is something we will fight and live with for the rest of our lives – that no matter what barriers are implemented to prevent his gambling, he will find a way if he does not whole heartedly commit to pursuing recovery for himself. And even when and if he does make that commitment (which he hasn’t), I will never be able to let my guard down completely for this addiction can return suddenly at any time. Our relationship is changed forever.
    If you love your CG very, very much and want to make a life with him, you must be ready to immerse yourself in to gaining the knowledge about his addiction that you will need to take care of yourself and protect your finances. You will only unwittingly enable his addiction without this knowledge (as will your families and friends), and your life will be filled with lies, financial troubles, broken dreams and heartache.
    Velvet speaks of many success stories – including her own. So I know it is possible to do this. But it will a long, bumpy, sometimes jolting road Porkpie.   Know that.  Your CG cannot tell you he will stop and then do it – because he simply is not capable of doing that without help. No matter how hard he tries to convince you of that – it just is not possible. 
    Please – read Velvet’s post titled the "F&F Cycle". ANd on my thread, and many others, you can find her post about the "Slavering Beast". Read, read, read Porkpie. That’s the best advice I can give you. And hang in there, Velvet will back in a few days, and I’m sure others will post here that have much more knowledge and experience with this than I.
    My heart goes out to you, for I truly know what you are feeling. For me it’s like this shivering electrical shock that starts at the top of my head and races down my body each time I discover another deception. Then I’m angry and hurt, and eventually I just feel numb and foggy. 
    I have found hope here, and I am trying to find the tools to take care of myself, no matter what I decide. I sincerely hope you will do the same dear.
    Keep posting.
    Adele
     
     "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

    #1724
    adele
    Participant

    PorkPie Here is a link given to me by a GT team member that will help identify the symptoms of compulsive gambling behavior and give you an idea of where to start. http://problemgamblingguide.com/help_for_families.html Adele
     — 13/05/2013 15:12:02: post edited by harry.

    #1725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I am not familiar with any groups in England…sorry I can’t be of any help.
    I have not told my family of our current problem, his gambling. Last time I told them we were in debt due to his past gambling I felt like I spent more time helping them then they helped me. This time around I am being selective in who I am confiding in. I don’t think my own family will understand with the exception of my sister. I have only told my sister and one good friend, who I trust, to let know of his gambling problem. From past experience, if they are not capable of having some kind of understanding you spend more time trying to make sure they are ok then they provide comfort to you.
    Only you can decide if you stay or leave. And there is no magical answer.
    I am new to this site as well and it has been a huge help to myself. Hopefully you will find the same.
    BB

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