Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
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  • #6439
    Ashya
    Participant

    Hi all. 

    Im new to this but I think that this is my last resort, I’m really at my wits end.

    Where to start.

    I met my boyfriend 6 years ago. We moved in together 4 years ago. This is when I really started to notice a problem. I was the one who paid most of the bills, rent etc. Despite being the lower income earner. There was always an excuse and a promise of ‘pay you back in a couple of days’ but it rarely happened. 

     There has been many ups and downs financially& emotionally. Many losses and many wins. We both lost our jobs at the one time, I had work permit related issues (i’m an immigrant)  so I couldnt work for a period of time. Slowly our severance packages vanished, followed by savings and basically any money that was available. Every time I confronted him about what was going on, the fact that he was the one working seemed to give him the impression that he could spend it any way he wanted.

    Finally I got back in the working world and thought that maybe things would get better, I would have a say in our finances again. It just seems to be my responsibility to pay bills again and I’m the one making all the sacrifices to make ends meet.

    I’he tried so many options & heard all the excuses. I took full reign of all money. That made him feel like a child. i let him take control of the bank account. That worked really well for  2 months, until it didn’t. Working overtime to bank savings and reduce debt all vanished within minutes. Every confrontation, I’ve heard it all. Today when I asked about the missing money I got nothing, just silence & he has now gone to bed.  What used to be screaming fights have now just turned into nothing, I don’t even get an excuse. The time prior to this, he said he doesn’t care anymore. He just doesn’t want to fight. It is what it is. 

    He gambles when he’s mad, when he works hard and  he doesn’t get to do anything fun in life, when he’s upset, when he’s had a bad day,  when I nag him, when I don’t nag him, when he’s bored, because I don’t do anything, because I’m lazy..you name it I’ve heard it. 

    I’ve gotten angry, Ive tried constructive criticism, I’ve ignored obvious transactions leaving our bank account to avoid confrontation, I’ve tried helping him talk through things. I’ve heard ALL the ‘it won’t happen again’ promises. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    I’m lost. I’m lonely. I resent him. I live half way across the world from all my friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this, and apparently now I can’t even talk to him about it. We moved 2 years ago to a small rural town for his work. This town has nothing to offer me career wise, I work a dead end job that I hate just to try and bank as much money as I can..but it all gets gambled away in the end.

    I dont know where to go from here…

    #6440
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #6441
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Ashya

    I can hear that you feel that you have tried everything to make your boyfriend stop gambling but until now you have not tried this site, so I am hoping that this will be, not just the last resort but the resort that gives you the support you need to help you through this difficult time.

    You have described the roller-coaster that is the addiction to gamble and I know it is a brutal ride. I cannot tell you what to do because it is important that you make the decisions for yourself, however, I do feel that it is important that you have a separate account of which your boyfriend has no knowledge in which you can save for your future. I know it is difficult to hide money and compulsive gamblers appear to be able to find information on hidden accounts but this is usually due to a lack of security. It is sad but it is important not to trust an active gambler however much you would like to believe in him. Your boyfriend is not willing to take responsibility for his actions so ‘you’ must put yourself first and take care of you. It is important that your pin number is never revealed.

    You write that you are in a rural community and that you do not have any friends around you but are there a any churches or community buildings you can attend to meet other people and possibly find friendships? The CGs (compulsive gambler’s) addiction takes away self-confidence from those who love them, it is easy to become isolated. I can hear your feeling of isolation in your post. Finding someone to talk to seems to me to be important to your situation. Is there a Gam-anon group in your area? Gam-anon is the sister group of Gamblers anonymous and it was at a Gam-Anon group where I found the support I needed many years ago. This site has changed many lives for the better but physically sitting with another person, who is willing to listen without judgement, can be incredibly supportive too.

    Has your boyfriend ever accepted that he has a problem or sought help?

    I am going to stop now because it has been far too long since you received our welcome message and I want to hear from you again.

    I think you have come to the right place. I do care and I hope you will feel less alone when you have read this reply

    Velvet

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