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  • #6002
    Jenny123
    Participant

    Hi, my boyfriend of 5 years is a gambler-only Casinos. Throughout the last 6 years he has lost around £20,000 or more. This has been through savings, loans and credit cards. Initially he went to the casino as a social thing and won money. Then he started losing all his money and this is where the problem started. He couldn’t cope with his loss and kept trying to win back the money.

    My issue is not only the loss of money but the lies. I always get a gut feeling when he has gone and when I contront him he admits it. I have threatened to end the relationship and this has led him to ban himself from the Casino. He goes through around 7 months of no gamblimg and then relapses. He has not got any professional help as he thinks he does not need it because he is fine for such a long time before a relapse.

    He has been ‘clean’ for just over a year now. I found out that he went last night. Initially he denied it and I felt bad for accusing him. Howver I found a reciept from the casino so I know I was right. I am stuck as to what to do. I know he wont go back now for another year pr so but this problem will never go away. A part of me thinks I should end this relationship but another part tells me that its not about me and I should be supporting him. Do I get angry or do I be understanding and encourage him that it was a relapse and he will be fine. Please help.

    #6003
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hello Jenny and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

    Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

    Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

    As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

    And on that note….

    I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works

    #6004
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Jenny
    The amounts of money your boyfriend has lost and the way he has chases his loses tells me that, what appears to be slip, is not fine and never will be.
    His belief that he doesn’t need help is a cry we hear all the time from problem gamblers who are not ready to admit their problem but who are in danger of losing everything due to them sailing close to owning an addiction that is about failure and loss of self-esteem.
    His lies are common and spring from the belief that he does not have a serious problem and he wants to deflect you from thinking that he has. However, you have recognised a cycle of behaviour and I am glad that you have posted because knowledge of that cycle will give you power over his possible addiction and hopefully help you support him.
    Anger is always understandable but does nothing towards making an active problem gambler stop gambling – it merely enforces the thought that you don’t understand and therefore your opinion is invalid.
    There can be no guarantee that your boyfriend is not into a full relapse as a result of his visit to the casino because the addictive part of his brain will have been triggered. Compulsive gambling is not about money it is only the actual gamble that matters and it is that gamble which leads to the unacceptable behaviour. The gamble triggers the addiction in the brain and it gets worse, never better, if left untreated.
    You have written that part of you thinks you should end the relationship so my question would be – do you love him? Loving a compulsive gambler, (if his problem escalates) is, is not easy and supporting a CG (compulsive gambler) can destroy your confidence and self-esteem too, if you allow it, however, I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled. I would never tell you to stay or to leave but this site will give you information so that you can make an informed decision that is right for you and hopefully right for your boyfriend.
    The decision to stay is very much in your hands but please keep posting, there is a lot of support for you here and for your boyfriend too if he wants it.
    Velvet

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