17 June 2014 at 3:52 am #3423
I tried to come on here a while ago and couldn’t; I guess it was when they were redesigning everything. I couldn’t log in no matter what … so it has been a while. In the meantime, it seems that nothing much goes right … more goes wrong … and nobody cares (actually that is not true, but very few seem to).
I’m exhausted … wiped out and in more ways than one. While he continues on his merry way, ignoring all the Court orders. The house has been foreclosed on and is scheduled for Sheriff’s sale next month. I lose any prospects of “settlement”. Plus, the attorney who withdrew, leaving us totally vulnerable to abuse of the decree, has obtained a $3k judgment against me. I wouldn’t have felt the need for an attorney, til he re-hired his to “wap” me and I was shortly served with a “emergency custody modification” for alleged abuse by me of our (then) 17 year old daughter. This attorney threatened me in past with felony charges for trying to keep us from being terrorized (when I would exercise my parenting time) and conversion charges.
I’ve come to the conclusion that:
1: there is NO “help”
2: there is no point in trying
I’ve contacted everyone I can think of … maybe I do sound “a little nutty” when I try to explain … but I finally realized that his destruction far outpaces any “constructive” activities I engage in …
I notice that is someone’s house burns down (and that is an insured loss, almost always), there will often be a news story and request to help the family. I would think there would be some angle … how many people have their spouse run away with a nurse involved in their care, find all the money has been gambled and frittered away … and then have the person who wants the divorce actively and continuously work to destroy the other? And it is succeeding …
My 20 year old stormed out on me today … things took a turn for the worse when she mentioned texting him on Father’s Day. I didn’t attack or say anything about him; my mistake was in revealing something about me that apparently she felt cast aspersion on her. It hurt too, because I got the blame, for creating her and the situation … I still can’t fathom how anyone believes anyone “in their right mind” would throw their (or someone else’s) money away on chance; on odds that are definitely NOT in their favor … I know I certainly wouldn’t have married (him) had I any inkling … and when we married, casinos were still mostly in Las Vegas … I knew he bought a few scratch tickets and quick picks … but had no idea. How can you, when the only “info” to come from the state is: “Please play responsibly”?
Even though I know it is pain and emotionalism coming from her, it still makes me feel like my heart has been ripped out … again. I read an article not too long ago about a state representative who actually took money from her own pocket to help a man, buy his children’s Christmas, and so on. It turned out the man was a scammer. He pretended he had cancer.
It hurts even more to have read something like that, because it reiterates what I know is true: that people DO care. But it hurts, too, because I have contacted my state representative several times and get back an “automatic response” that they will look over my e-mail and “contact me shortly”. They don’t. I’m not even looking for a “handout”; this insane situation is truly more than what I can cope with … alone.
Last year, he scared the 20 year out of the house. Phooey, some would say. I know; I had a breakdown in past because of the terror tactics (on top, too, of already being “burned out” by carrying a lot of responsibility for a long time). I am now carrying expenses of hers … no point of letting her get kicked out of there, as soon the police will be making sure WE (my other daughter) are not there. It is taking about 50% of my income. He is responsible for a portion of expenses, according to the Court order, but he has ignored it and it has become so complex (or complex enough) that I feel overwhelmed.
I called Gam-anon a couple months ago, thinking maybe I could get some suggestions or some ideas … I don’t know how many PG have personality disorders, but I have come to think of ex as evil and some of the research shows higher level of antisocial traits or disorder … and what I have been through and our children, certainly seems that way. In fact, he scared her out of the house in order to justify his stopping the mortgage payments, after three attempts to evict me failed. He had promised I would get nothing; he has made good on that … and with the assistance of the “system”. There are no meetings within 100 miles or so, but they said to email and they would set me up with a “pen-pal”. That was two or so months ago; I sent a follow up email and … no response.
I think I am going to lose most of my personal belongings, too. My credit has been destroyed through the divorce (also as promised) and I have no money, so renting a vehicle is out of the question.
Sort of sad, because of all the destruction that can be wreaked, but not countered. I’ve come to understand that professionals ARE NOT receiving education/training … and yes, it IS harm they are causing …
I’m getting to the point where it just isn’t worth waking up anymore. I know that “even if” I have done anything to deserve this, our children haven’t. I don’t qualify for any help as “extraordinary expenses” or factors aren’t considered.
My car runs on two bald tires and one that is held on by only 3 of 5 lug bolts; two snapped back in January. The last couple of months have been rough, no money for two to three weeks … no gas or minutes on phone … except as I can collect cans and metal debris in the area to turn in for cash. The dishwasher broke, half the electric in the house doesn’t work. The air won’t come on and the light in the utility room “blew up” (It will need rewiring at the least). The lawn mower has been broken for over a year as I did not have the $35 to spare for the needed part. Recently, we used a borrowed mower that is not self-propelled to mow … six hours; 3 from me and 3 from the 20 year old. The whole back is still a jungle and much of the front.
There really seems no point in trying … I have no idea where I am going to (can) go when the sale is done and I am told to leave. I’m in a lot of pain; there is nothing therapy or little pills will do for that. I’ve known for the longest time that “this” can’t “work” but choice and making my own decisions has been taken from me and left in the hands of uninformed and uncaring Court. And with all the “thinking time” on my hands, I realized there is a nice, stream-lined procedure for ensuring the bank’s civil (forclosure) order is carried out … no such thing in the civil case of divorce.
The state provides apparently something in the way of treatment for those who admit they have a gambling problem … not so for family members caught in the web of lies and destruction. In fact, I’m just being forced to watch as my life and all the accomplishments of the past 20 years are stripped away and I am left … destitute. Guess we can’t have any negative PR on the state of Indiana’s third largest source of revenue …
Sorry if I am or seem to be “talking out of line”. Feeling a bit bitter, as it is apparent that being responsible, acting in good faith and all the rest … is not important, except maybe to one’s own conscience. And I can’t help but be struck that the penalty for many “crimes” is a LOT less than what I have been “sentenced” to.17 June 2014 at 9:37 am #3424
I think I would be a tad bitter as well, in fact I have been ! I can offer no practical advice and feel that what I am about to say will seem a little lame.
You are not alone although it must feel like that and with the whole world against you – even the authorites who should be able to protect you – no surprise there really.
To me it just shows how thick they are !! and you have seen through the addiction when sadly they have not. I walked out of court once unable to see how anyone could have got it just so badly wrong it still wrankles me to this day if I think about it. The only satisfaction I had was the fantasy in my mind of showing the Judge two fingers.
The thing is Dadda you are still standing in the most difficult of circumstances and as you have got through many other difficulties you will also get through this stage too, even though it appears way to hard right now – it will pass.
Sometimes the best way to win a fight is not to fight, plus its very annoying to others that want one ! You have already won this fight but the benefits have not as yet shown themselves to you.
I know my words will have very little impact on your circumstances, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.
Jenny17 June 2014 at 9:41 am #3425DuncKeymaster
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our17 June 2014 at 12:04 pm #3426twilight16Participant
You are most certainly being heard and prayed for, but as you know there are no easy fixes. I remember your story with your ex and the house, your tough situation and your daughter. It’s an inspiration that you have made it this far, you are most certainly a strong person who will continue to walk through this hell your husband has made for you.
I feel you need this closure, though you may be financially ruined, etc by your husband’s gambling addiction, it is about over and you have your life.
What I would do is find living arrangements either through a friend, even if you put whatever you have in storage and sleep on a couch, or if that is not possible, go to a local church, there is a place for you and your daughter. It seemed to me the more I looked the more I found, never allowing myself to feel defeated.
Just let go of your husband and what he has done to you, there is nothing that can take it away, and there is nothing he or anything can do to take it away. As they say the damage is done. The monster in him will not ever change, unless he wants it to and we know that answer already. Honestly at this point I wouldn’t give him any mind or thought or reason for him to last out. He has proven who he is and let him go gambling his heart out, but without you ever having to ever deal with his BS again.
You will get through this, you just can’t get hung up on what has passed, and how unfair your situation is because as you said no one really cares, this just shows gambling addiction is really not equivalent to drug and alcohol addiction. Yet, those that have lived it knows it is, when someone takes drug or drinks they either pass out, etc but gambling addicts can go hours and hours and gamble until they have lost everything, which greatly impacts family.
Just keep believing and seeing the good things in your life, plugging away to what is available to you.
Twilight17 June 2014 at 5:14 pm #3427
Jenny, it helps to just be acknowledged. I have reached out for help and I know that if I found the right person, with some authority and character, things might be a lot different. It hurts to be blown off by the people who “care” about all kinds of things … yeah, right. Til you actually call them on it and find out how much they care. I’ve been collecting cans. Sometimes people ask me why and stuff. I tell them … some try to give me money. I tell them no (although two basically forced it on me). It’s not about money, especially getting other people’s … it’s about having some power in my own life. Making a little progress or at least not falling further behind. I’ve told a couple people “thank you for treating me like a human being” because when I go out and am sticking my hand in garbage cans etc I look like a bum … and may be one before long. I’m not being treated as a human, or “worthy” by those who claim higher vision or authority. It hurts, makes me angry, but what can I do about it? NOTHING.
Twilight, I read your posting about your father. I guess that is what HURTS. I know this is their father … I cannot stand by and allow them (our daughters) to be hurt more by his games. It is VERY difficult to know what and when to say.
Plus, they grew up being told I was crazy, I deserted them, I was going to kill them, etc etc. I still get the backlash for that. And I do understand that it doesn’t matter what truth was or is … that was their experience and it was painful. They believed it. Finding out, too, that the parent who they trusted and thought … well that also has knocked heads for a loop.
I am the spouse and in some ways, it is easier to disengage (from him) I think. But I know the hopeful feelings I had … that I would say the “right thing” and the light bulb would go off.
I took on most of the blame, too, in past. I had even forgotten that I divorced him ONLY because he brought home filled out papers and was threatening to have me committed involuntarily. Since he did so successfully in past, I was terrified. I also was half convinced maybe I was crazy … and I thought if that was the case, I was doing the best by my daughters not to expose them.
It’s very bitter to learn that I NEVER had a “mental illness” though I suffered severe psychological injuries due to the cruelty I was put through … all for control over money.
I’m also bitter to have asked for help from the DV people. The attorney at the state agency was going to call me, so she said … she didn’t. On the same day I visisted their site and see that in August, they are hosting a fund raiser called “A Night at the Casino”. It is bitter because they would never, for example, host “Shooting Night at the Range” or the like.
I guess I will get through this; I really don’t have any choice in the matter. The worst part, I guess is that the Court system is so screwed up, too. I would not have gotten the attorney had not his acted unethically in past. It makes me want to go to town and hold up a sign. Maybe I will.
It hurt to have gone through everything I now know I was put through … tell him maybe it all happened so that I could be encouragement and support to him. Have it all thrown back in my face and not only be back stabbed again, but watch him do it to our daughters, who basically supported him and his habits with payments meant for them of $1000/month +. But once they were no worth $$ anymore, see them thrown aside too. Only to learn that this has all been intentional … crazy … unjust.
Last year, he even, for God knows what reason, added himself back to our auto policy, which came out of my account. He had a car that he scrapped before all the payments came out. I couldn’t do a thing … lost the pay in full discount and of course, it otherwise wreaked havoc on already precarious finances.
I guess two questions come to mind: how does one explain the destruction to their life, particularly in a 20 year old’s case? I know as time wears on it will be less important, especially if no more destruction. But even my student loans are behind … I gave up trying to negotiate with creditors. There is no point of telling them that non-payment is due to forces beyond my control … or that someone is intentionally doing this … to me or her. And have you found any helpful methods of dealing with the anger that is the result of trusting that “help” is there only to find out most of (not all) the “helping agencies” are more concerned for themselves than the people they claim to represent? All I ever wanted was for the destruction to stop, not money. But I can’t get beyond as long as it is continuing.
Thank you.17 June 2014 at 9:50 pm #3428
I think when people have a certain amount of control over the lives of others or at least a little bit of power – it goes straight to their heads (in some cases) and they have a knack of forgetting that they are paid to do a job and do it to a good standard.
Sometimes they need to be reminded that they are accountable to the people that they work for which in many cases is the public. My situation was not as bad as yours but I to felt totally overwhelmed by injustice, bad treatment and always seeming to come off the worst no matter what my ex husband did in the 10 years of marriage and subsequent 6 years of stalking. I felt so powerless.
I decided to remind a few people via their complaints procedures of exactly what they were there to do and the incompetence of those working for them, I had gone past the point of feeling that complaining could make things worse. Once I got going I had trouble stopping !
I got results because I did my home work and quite calmly listed their bad practices etc against what I had learned that they should be doing.
The best part of doing it though was that I had taken back the power that I had given away (as I see it now) saying the things that I said helped me to off load it on the right doorstep / desk. I got some very different results and i certainly felt better for not being the victim all of the time.
It is a shame that in society, those who can shout the loudest get the best service but it seems to be true.
This seems a little like battling the addiction wearing different clothes and most seem so never ending.
No need to have a fight or lose your temper, theres some phrase which goes something like ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’
Jenny x18 June 2014 at 11:54 am #3429twilight16Participant
To answer your question about explaining the destruction in their life in my opinion, is to make an example of how they should be very careful of allowing anyone else in their life with an addiction and to be very careful of not to become an addict, as they clearly know the dangers of letting something over take their lives like gambling.
This lesson is invaluable and hopefully will guide them when they make friends and the boyfriends they chose. I know my daughters even at their young ages, 12 and 7, know who to stay away from. I am proud to say that my daughters are aware of the consequences of being an addict as they have seen the end result of their grandfather, my dad.
It is a good thing your oldest daughter is moving far away, as I did the same thing when I went to college, which was hundreds of miles away from my dad. Yet, when I graduated and move back, he stuck to me like honey, and thus the enabling started. At first it was little things, “oh, can you help me out until I get paid..” and of course it continued for close to 20 years. It wasn’t until my late 30’s did I stop to give him anything.
My mother had warned me many times, about his gambling, and how I should not help, but I did. He had a way of asking that at first seemed genuine and before I knew it I was like his sugar daddy. It makes me sick thinking about the money I handed over to him, when I needed it and of course he never paid any of it back.
You daughter’s should know they are not helping him or themselves if they help him. He is the father, he should be responsible to take care of himself and if anyone should go to someone. It should be them and not him. I remember when I started saying no to giving him money, he would lash out.
I admire your strength and I know you will get through this, in all honestly I would not even think about your ex, he has taken so much from you and instead you should be thinking about your next move. When the house is auctioned off, walk away knowing your life will only get better.
Twilight18 June 2014 at 7:29 pm #3430
Jenny, your words are an encouragement. I have felt “blown off and buried” for some time now. It has sort of “blown my mind” that even trying to contact someone in the media (and I have made many attempts, government , media, advocacy) … this is such a “crazy” situation, I was SURE there would be response, help, concern.
A few things have struck me, having too much time on my hands to think.
1) I’m not a criminal nor have I committed a tort. Yet, thanks to divorce (regulated by law) I have been a “legally regulated hostage” for the past sixteen years. In fact, had I committed a crime, I would likely not face as serious/cruel penalties as I have had to endure for the mere fact that I was married and a parent, who cares about her children. There is something wrong with that.
2) Since the house (the source of my now non-existent settlement) has gone through foreclosure, I have come to realize the banks are assured of a nice, stream-lined procedure to have their orders carried out and their judgment obtained. Divorce, also a civil filing and with civil orders, is not something where there is ANY procedure to get things carried out, especially if one person balks or intentionally trieds to thwart the decree. I’m “stuck and screwed” because it is almost necessary to have the paperwork done with style taking precedence over the substance.
3) I recently read an article that stated gambling is Indiana’s 3rd largest source of income. That right there tells me why CG is not receiving attention and families are merely being shunted into therapy and bankruptcy. Businesses and etc have mechanisms to get funds back and it is considered “crime” in those cases where money is taken that does not belong to the gambler.
4) I have learned that casinos make a pretty good deal on CG. When they “extend credit” and the gambler does not/cannot make good, casinos can sue for treble damamges. And they WILL WIN. I’m wondering how much “community property” gets sucked away there …
And by the same token, “exclusion” is not legally enforceable against casinos … although I have read that is may be used as “trump” when a “self-excluded” CG actually wins …
The excuse that casino workers “can’t tell” when a player is inebriated … neither can the police, sometimes. That’s what breathalyzers are for … I cannot believe the very weak arguments and “lack of” viable solutions that are used to justify ripping people off. However you want to characterize CG, NOBODY “in their right mind” throws their life away on a chance stacked against them. That much I am certain of. In fact, I am certain that the lax attitude and regulations are part of the reason that the recovery rate IS so low. Although gambling is not “my temptation” I have my own and I know how my own mind goes through the contortions when it knows better but still wants to “indulge”.
5) A while back, a little boy was sucked under the sand at Indiana Dunes. He was rescued and the area was shut down. ITt was gone over with special machinery before being reopened. Why? Liability. There are mechanisms for reporting problems with roads and all sorts of things the state is responsible for. However, even though the state permits, regulates and oversees gambling, they seem not to have made any process available to report problems. Since my daughters and I have been exposed to things that could have caused serious injury/death (and actually have, as PTSD is a serious injury), that seems to be negligence on part of the state. Whether deliberate or no … but it must be, here, as I have experienced what I have.
Those are just a few of my observations … I would be fine with anyone who wants to or knows more to refine or expand or comment.
I was appalled at the last telephone communication with a state legislative aide; I was told that my representative can only help with problems with state agencies. WHAT? These are the people proposing, wording and enacting the laws I am supposed to abide by. They should indeed be willing to look into the unintended (negative) consequences of their legislation … as willing as they are to have another summer study of the casino revenue drop “problem”.
I apparently walked into no-man’s land inadvertently … don’t know if my input, especially on this subject, will ever see the light of day … but it is a breath of fresh air, in general , to hear “don’t give up” and hear from someone who’s had some success!19 June 2014 at 6:09 pm #3431velvetModerator
It is a sad fact that gambling is becoming more and more invasive and that those of us who are trying to combat the evil side of it, including many CGs who are trying to control their addiction, have an uphill battle.
It is also a sad fact that the legal process is often unfair, powerless and pathetic.
Having said that I believe from your posts that you have a steely backbone and you will overcome. You have done nothing wrong but you have suffered firstly from a terrible addiction in your life and secondly from a wishy-washy legal system.
I remember when I didn’t know what it was that was wrecking my life; I searched everywhere for answers giving a full description of what was happening to me to medical professionals and counsellors but none of them came up with the addiction to gamble. I always came away feeling worse than I had before and more convinced that the problem was me. I only have to hear a few words now to recognise the addiction so why couldn’t’ they?
I believe it was one of the best days of my life when I found Gamanon, where people understood me. It was in Gamanon that I first heard about the addiction and how secretive everything about it was. I am very sorry to read that your experience with Gamanon wasn’t good. All groups are made up of individuals and there will always be ups and downs, good sessions and not so good, maybe you could try again or try another group – you do have so much to offer as well as needing well-deserved support.
I have taken the bad experience I had and tried to turn it into something good and I believe we all have the capability to do this, in fact I think we owe it to ourselves, after all the greatest revenge we can have on our unseen enemy is for us to be happy.
I hear your anger and empathise with it but I believe that your constructive activities can and will outweigh the destructiveness of the addiction that has sought to wreck your life – given time. Although you are divorced there is a tremendous residual pain which will subside but at the moment, it seems to me, you still feel you are in the eye of the storm. Your daughters are working their way through their experiences and they will do it differently to you but I am sure they will look to you to see how you cope.
Nothing you have said is out of line; there is never a need to apologise for speaking from the heart in this forum.
I know all about no-man’s land and I walk there now with my head up. I am not crazy, I have something to say that is unpalatable and many would prefer not to hear but I will not be silenced. I know I am only scratching at the surface but as long as I leave a scratch I am content that the addiction to gamble did not defeat me.
You have been heard Dadda – keep going, you will come through.
Velvet19 June 2014 at 8:45 pm #3432
None of these rules mean that you have to accept poor treatment of you by an individual.
Not returning calls, or letters etc is basic rudeness not adverse systems !
You haven’t accepted the poor treatment of your ex although its tough – you got out – you did it – you were strong enough.
Don’t accept it from idiots behind desks who can’t be bothered to do their jobs properly. Yes I know that was judgemental of some people in ‘the helping’ professions, it was meant to be
Jenny x24 June 2014 at 8:16 am #3433
Some of the things I hate most about the situation … but especially today … is how all the “out of my control” events do take emotional toll. Even though I can “logic it out” and know that “feelings aren’t reality”, one of the things I have learned via my own therapy (as I have a strong tendency to intellectualize) is that, optimally, feelings and thinking should sort of walk “hand in hand”. And of course, when a person has choices and can make decisions regarding their life, that is a more likely outcome. Today has been one of those days where I just don’t “feel” up to snuff, and that has robbed me of energy. Plus, of course, having been dragged through the Court system yet again … finally coming to the (quite novel) realization that I have NEVER, EVER had “insurmountable” problems in life, outside the “system”.
I know that the responses (all of) you have provided are spot on … and have been a source of frustration to me in the past. There are things I dislike doing myself … and yes, at times, I have been guilty of transgressing … failing to call someone I ought to have or … whatever. The things I don’t like to do I now try to get over with first, so those are not “staring me in the face” all the day. And for me, that works.
I was doing some reading in general earlier about domestic violence, intimate partner violence and the like. Here in the U.S., despite all the lip service, the Supreme Court has already made it clear through rulings that we have no right to expect the police to provide relief or help if someone is hurting us, or if they are hurting our children. I’ve done much reading and research and I’m not sure if it helps … sometimes. But for me, truth is more comforting than the unknown and definitely better than lies. I hate all the PR about “there is help” … that is not my experience. Sure, there is help if you don’t mind giving up everything you have worked for and earned … and including, too often, your children.
Only in terms of marriage (or similar relationship) is there the expectation that the one bullied gives up to the bully and lets them have their way.
I guess I am wondering if there are countries where problems related to legalized gambling are “reportable” … where they are actually taken seriously. I’ve had a hard time locating good information on that. I just found out this last week that our state is (again) “studying gambling” as revenues are down, mostly due to increased competition, as it stated in the press.
The whole concept hit me the other day that the state too is acting just like a CG … ignoring the pleas and needs of the citizens it SUPPOSEDLY represents and governs on behalf of. Yet fawning and trying to come up with new ways to hit that “high” they achieved a while back, when the coffers were flowing and everyone was feeling good. It sure seems they should be studying … or at least be willing to pay attention to the concerns of those adversely affected.
I dread having the house sale and eviction looming … on paper, I have been made to look completely irresponsible. I have no idea how to “explain” what’s happened without sticky explanations and putting it all under the umbrella of “divorce, you know” when in reality, THAT is not the case at all. Lots of people go through divorce without destroying everything and everyone in their path.
And of course, there is the matter of my daughter’s credit. Eventually, she will be subjected to garnishments, making her own affairs more difficult to manage. It just makes me angry that by doing absolutely nothing (but at the same time, disobeying the Court), life can be made quite hectic and full of crises, until it is hard to even remember or prioritize what remains to be done. Sorry to sound so negative, although in circumstances, it may be normal I really hate feeling as I do today!24 June 2014 at 8:44 am #3434
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and realized that I had just woken up for the first time in I can’t remember how long … from a dream that actually was not a nightmare. The CG ex was somewhere around, but I was in a room with a group of people. All of a sudden, I realized I had a new husband. He realized I had been through a rough time and was not trying to push himself or anything “onto” me. Normally, I don’t know if I would like that, but I appreciated it and went to sit with him and was demonstrating my affection with physical gestures such as hand holding.
I like dreams and used to keep a dream diary. I have no idea where this one came from … but I am glad to have FINALLY woken up and not from a nightmare … it has been a very long time. Most days I would wake up exhausted; my daughter had heard me tossing and turning and talking in my sleep (and I have observed that with her) and finally, I’d realized I wasn’t getting much restful and restorative sleep. I’d been bearing with it patiently for some time. From my dream journal in past, I found that there was a lot of repetition of symbols. I often dreamed of tornados, for example and going back to my childhood home to try to find something or having the feeling something had been left behind.
I find it useful, because in waking life, “coping” sometimes requires the use of some deceptions (although that might be better termed projection or suppression; various defense mechanisms) and though the strategy might be conscious and somewhat healthy, I think it also prevents the mind from using all information it might constructively.
So I am sort of interested in this dream, due to the symbolism and the sorts of messages I got from it. It certainly wasn’t anyone I recognize from “real life” and I haven’t had the luxury or desire to even think of a new relationship.
I know since he filed for divorce, I would often dream of him and often, it involved maleovalent intentions toward me. Several years ago, I learned that he held grudges for well over a decade about some argument we’d had that I certainly couldn’t remember (and not that he would ever tell me specifically, the details). These grudges would be resurrected and used as justification whenever he went on a “punishment” rampage. I remember him telling me once, in reference to things that resulted from his actions: “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Never any actual personal accountability for those actions, however. I think that was the major difference in this dream: the man representing husband did not have to be fended off or “have it explained”. He was sensitive or perceptive enough to “know” and caring enough; he had empathy … and what is that saying? “True love waits” … and a whole lot more.28 June 2014 at 9:49 am #3435moniqueParticipant
I’m glad you had a good dream. I just wanted to add that I think that when we dream it is OUR OWN dream most of all, so everything and everyone in it can represent something about ourselves. So, although there are other people in the dream – some we ‘recognize’ and some we do not – the dream is not necessarily describing those people, but those people in the dream are describing ourselves in some way. So this sensitive, perceptive, empathic person in this dream could be YOU. Might it be that you are becoming more able to care for yourself? That you will care for yourself, even if it is a tremendous struggle and you will be able to this in spite of being so let down by others?
Just my thoughts.
Monique19 August 2014 at 11:45 pm #3436
Hi, Monique! Yes, dreams interest me a lot. I was having lots of nightmares back in 1998, when problems really developed. I kept a dream diary for a few years. I’ve also had many over these past several years that are themed around him “tricking me” or trying to kill me.
I’ve read the theory that everyone in the dream may represent the dreamer, but sometimes I do think that there can be warnings and such from the part of us (intuition) that hasn’t been completely quashed by the “training” we receive in school and the like. I read “The Gift of Fear” back then, too, and it talked about how we ignore (often) subtle cues that otherwise would be very informative to us.
I actually had a dream before we EVER went out. In the dream, he knocked at the door to pick me up, but his eyes were this really weird shade of pink-red. Sort of like how they get from crying, but not quite. I never had such a dream before dating someone … and that was “about it” or all I remember … just like there was something there, trying to warn me but the choice was mine. I received the (strong) impression that either he would hurt me very badly, or I him.
So now, I do pay attention to dreams where someone is trying to kill/do me harm. I’ve come to realize it might be metaphorical, in that they are not literally trying to kill me, but killing a part of me … and that is likely not in my best interest!
LOL I fell asleep on the stool the other day … have been so exhausted and all I remember was trying to keep my head above water. I woke back up within a few minutes; most of the night dreams I don’t remember lately (again).20 August 2014 at 12:16 am #3437
HI! I see it has been a while since I have been here. I have been (as usual) dealing with more than one person can … and I am tired, but considering the circumstances, I have been realizing that I am more deserving of maybe a medal? definitely at least, some extra credit!
The house went through foreclosure and wasn’t even on the market the last six months (at least) per the divorce decree. ANd of course, he has quit paying his judgment for the child support money he was ordered to return in 2011.
I tried to respond in the foreclosure and was actually granted a settlement conference; I was planning to go in and ask the Court to oversee the sale of the house and definitely, change of realtor, as he had signed a one year agreement (nobody does that if they mean to sell the property!) But my conference was vacated at the request of the banks’s attorney.
My ex brother-in-law bought it at sheriff sale. He paid $57k on a $91k judgment; the house was appraised at $146k shortly before the hearing in 2012. WHAT A STEAL.
So today I had to go to Court as I am being evicted. It has been harrowing, because there is plenty of information geared toward former owners and tenants, but not “ex-spouses left in the lurch”. However, I did not receive the summons and only knew about it by knowing the people I’ve been forced to deal with and checking on-line. So the matter was postponed, as I am supposed to have sufficient time between service and appearance.
The brother in law (BIL) stated that he and his siblings were determined the house not pass out of the family (actually, the acre of land it sits on). I learned he has a real estate license, though expired. So he knows how things work … and fact is, they could have made a good sales offer anytime while the house was under contract or even after, before the foreclosure judgment came through. It now “makes sense” that ex did not respond AT ALL to the foreclosure, despite filing numerous (at least 7 times) motions and etc indicating he wanted to keep the house, wanted possession, was having “no trouble” making payments … etc. All premeditated and of course, now the access to even MORE MONEY GUARANTEED, as they paid cash for a property worth about $89k more …
On a related note, I was looking over the mortgages, as we bought the house together in 1998. There was an initial mortgage of $95k, for 20 years. When it was refinanced a year before he filed (and yes, he took money out then), the new 30 year mortgage was for $91k.
BUT, after I was forced to quit claim it to him a year after our first divorce (and none of the $6k I received coming out of the house), I went back and made a $10k principal payment on the note …
… if you “back that out”, the house was actually and truly mortgaged for more in 2009 than it was initially, meaning I AM the only person who truly has paid it down (at all) and it has merely been a piggy bank for him. I did a full amortization and the note should be around $17k …
Really surprised attorney didn’t catch this … or a lot else, but I have been learning there is not a lot of knowledge out there, on the matter. I searched the American Bar Association site and did not find much about gambling, at all, much less protecting clients from PG.
I’ve been really frustrated with lawmakers here in my state, but I am getting onto a nearly “first name” basis now. I contacted both the senate and house office for my district today before Court and was explaining how I have no “standing” in the eviction matter, nor did I in the foreclosure, etc. I was told by both assistants, whom I have spoken with before, that they have never heard of/dealt with “such” as the situation I’ve been forced to cope with. Whew! Some validation … and appreciate the encouragement not to give up! 🙂
I have a million things to pack and only a tentative rental approval so am going to go for now but hoping to not stay a stranger as much! My oldest daughter moved out Saturday. Of course that has been bittersweet, but when I think of alternatives, and KNOW, with no room for doubts, that they and I have been no more than extra “piggy banks” I guess the damages I have suffered worth the short term (I hope) problems. And though there is a LONG way to go, apparently, before the state acknowledges that not all gambling related damages can be “fixed” (especially for family members) through bankruptcy and therapy … I’m appalled at the fact that our 21 year old has credit ruined and no real recourse, while all the “more mature adults” who even tried to destroy my bond with her and her sister … left her “as is” while profiting mightily and continuing to enable their father’s acts of destruction. If I didn’t go through this, I highly doubt I would have believed it possible.
S o looking forward to resting my head on a pillow … soon and not waking up to a nightmare and adrenalin coursing through my veins, first thing.
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