[dadda]

I tried to come on here a while ago and couldn’t; I guess it was when they were redesigning everything. I couldn’t log in no matter what … so it has been a while. In the meantime, it seems that nothing much goes right … more goes wrong … and nobody cares (actually that is not true, but very few seem to).

I’m exhausted … wiped out and in more ways than one. While he continues on his merry way, ignoring all the Court orders. The house has been foreclosed on and is scheduled for Sheriff’s sale next month. I lose any prospects of “settlement”. Plus, the attorney who withdrew, leaving us totally vulnerable to abuse of the decree, has obtained a $3k judgment against me. I wouldn’t have felt the need for an attorney, til he re-hired his to “wap” me and I was shortly served with a “emergency custody modification” for alleged abuse by me of our (then) 17 year old daughter. This attorney threatened me in past with felony charges for trying to keep us from being terrorized (when I would exercise my parenting time) and conversion charges.

I’ve come to the conclusion that:
1: there is NO “help”
2: there is no point in trying

I’ve contacted everyone I can think of … maybe I do sound “a little nutty” when I try to explain … but I finally realized that his destruction far outpaces any “constructive” activities I engage in …

I notice that is someone’s house burns down (and that is an insured loss, almost always), there will often be a news story and request to help the family. I would think there would be some angle … how many people have their spouse run away with a nurse involved in their care, find all the money has been gambled and frittered away … and then have the person who wants the divorce actively and continuously work to destroy the other? And it is succeeding …

My 20 year old stormed out on me today … things took a turn for the worse when she mentioned texting him on Father’s Day. I didn’t attack or say anything about him; my mistake was in revealing something about me that apparently she felt cast aspersion on her. It hurt too, because I got the blame, for creating her and the situation … I still can’t fathom how anyone believes anyone “in their right mind” would throw their (or someone else’s) money away on chance; on odds that are definitely NOT in their favor … I know I certainly wouldn’t have married (him) had I any inkling … and when we married, casinos were still mostly in Las Vegas … I knew he bought a few scratch tickets and quick picks … but had no idea. How can you, when the only “info” to come from the state is: “Please play responsibly”?

Even though I know it is pain and emotionalism coming from her, it still makes me feel like my heart has been ripped out … again. I read an article not too long ago about a state representative who actually took money from her own pocket to help a man, buy his children’s Christmas, and so on. It turned out the man was a scammer. He pretended he had cancer.

It hurts even more to have read something like that, because it reiterates what I know is true: that people DO care. But it hurts, too, because I have contacted my state representative several times and get back an “automatic response” that they will look over my e-mail and “contact me shortly”. They don’t. I’m not even looking for a “handout”; this insane situation is truly more than what I can cope with … alone.

Last year, he scared the 20 year out of the house. Phooey, some would say. I know; I had a breakdown in past because of the terror tactics (on top, too, of already being “burned out” by carrying a lot of responsibility for a long time). I am now carrying expenses of hers … no point of letting her get kicked out of there, as soon the police will be making sure WE (my other daughter) are not there. It is taking about 50% of my income. He is responsible for a portion of expenses, according to the Court order, but he has ignored it and it has become so complex (or complex enough) that I feel overwhelmed.

I called Gam-anon a couple months ago, thinking maybe I could get some suggestions or some ideas … I don’t know how many PG have personality disorders, but I have come to think of ex as evil and some of the research shows higher level of antisocial traits or disorder … and what I have been through and our children, certainly seems that way. In fact, he scared her out of the house in order to justify his stopping the mortgage payments, after three attempts to evict me failed. He had promised I would get nothing; he has made good on that … and with the assistance of the “system”. There are no meetings within 100 miles or so, but they said to email and they would set me up with a “pen-pal”. That was two or so months ago; I sent a follow up email and … no response.

I think I am going to lose most of my personal belongings, too. My credit has been destroyed through the divorce (also as promised) and I have no money, so renting a vehicle is out of the question.

Sort of sad, because of all the destruction that can be wreaked, but not countered. I’ve come to understand that professionals ARE NOT receiving education/training … and yes, it IS harm they are causing …

I’m getting to the point where it just isn’t worth waking up anymore. I know that “even if” I have done anything to deserve this, our children haven’t. I don’t qualify for any help as “extraordinary expenses” or factors aren’t considered.

My car runs on two bald tires and one that is held on by only 3 of 5 lug bolts; two snapped back in January. The last couple of months have been rough, no money for two to three weeks … no gas or minutes on phone … except as I can collect cans and metal debris in the area to turn in for cash. The dishwasher broke, half the electric in the house doesn’t work. The air won’t come on and the light in the utility room “blew up” (It will need rewiring at the least). The lawn mower has been broken for over a year as I did not have the $35 to spare for the needed part. Recently, we used a borrowed mower that is not self-propelled to mow … six hours; 3 from me and 3 from the 20 year old. The whole back is still a jungle and much of the front.

There really seems no point in trying … I have no idea where I am going to (can) go when the sale is done and I am told to leave. I’m in a lot of pain; there is nothing therapy or little pills will do for that. I’ve known for the longest time that “this” can’t “work” but choice and making my own decisions has been taken from me and left in the hands of uninformed and uncaring Court. And with all the “thinking time” on my hands, I realized there is a nice, stream-lined procedure for ensuring the bank’s civil (forclosure) order is carried out … no such thing in the civil case of divorce.

The state provides apparently something in the way of treatment for those who admit they have a gambling problem … not so for family members caught in the web of lies and destruction. In fact, I’m just being forced to watch as my life and all the accomplishments of the past 20 years are stripped away and I am left … destitute. Guess we can’t have any negative PR on the state of Indiana’s third largest source of revenue …

Sorry if I am or seem to be “talking out of line”. Feeling a bit bitter, as it is apparent that being responsible, acting in good faith and all the rest … is not important, except maybe to one’s own conscience. And I can’t help but be struck that the penalty for many “crimes” is a LOT less than what I have been “sentenced” to.

[jenny46]

I think I would be a tad bitter as well, in fact I have been ! I can offer no practical advice and feel that what I am about to say will seem a little lame.

You are not alone although it must feel like that and with the whole world against you – even the authorites who should be able to protect you – no surprise there really.

To me it just shows how thick they are !! and you have seen through the addiction when sadly they have not. I walked out of court once unable to see how anyone could have got it just so badly wrong it still wrankles me to this day if I think about it. The only satisfaction I had was the fantasy in my mind of showing the Judge two fingers.

The thing is Dadda you are still standing in the most difficult of circumstances and as you have got through many other difficulties you will also get through this stage too, even though it appears way to hard right now – it will pass.

Sometimes the best way to win a fight is not to fight, plus its very annoying to others that want one ! You have already won this fight but the benefits have not as yet shown themselves to you.

I know my words will have very little impact on your circumstances, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

Jenny

[Dunc]

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Hello Dadda

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[twilight16]

Hi Dadda,

You are most certainly being heard and prayed for, but as you know there are no easy fixes. I remember your story with your ex and the house, your tough situation and your daughter. It’s an inspiration that you have made it this far, you are most certainly a strong person who will continue to walk through this hell your husband has made for you.
I feel you need this closure, though you may be financially ruined, etc by your husband’s gambling addiction, it is about over and you have your life.
What I would do is find living arrangements either through a friend, even if you put whatever you have in storage and sleep on a couch, or if that is not possible, go to a local church, there is a place for you and your daughter. It seemed to me the more I looked the more I found, never allowing myself to feel defeated.
Just let go of your husband and what he has done to you, there is nothing that can take it away, and there is nothing he or anything can do to take it away. As they say the damage is done. The monster in him will not ever change, unless he wants it to and we know that answer already. Honestly at this point I wouldn’t give him any mind or thought or reason for him to last out. He has proven who he is and let him go gambling his heart out, but without you ever having to ever deal with his BS again.
You will get through this, you just can’t get hung up on what has passed, and how unfair your situation is because as you said no one really cares, this just shows gambling addiction is really not equivalent to drug and alcohol addiction. Yet, those that have lived it knows it is, when someone takes drug or drinks they either pass out, etc but gambling addicts can go hours and hours and gamble until they have lost everything, which greatly impacts family.
Just keep believing and seeing the good things in your life, plugging away to what is available to you.

Best wishes,
Twilight

[dadda]

Jenny, it helps to just be acknowledged. I have reached out for help and I know that if I found the right person, with some authority and character, things might be a lot different. It hurts to be blown off by the people who “care” about all kinds of things … yeah, right. Til you actually call them on it and find out how much they care. I’ve been collecting cans. Sometimes people ask me why and stuff. I tell them … some try to give me money. I tell them no (although two basically forced it on me). It’s not about money, especially getting other people’s … it’s about having some power in my own life. Making a little progress or at least not falling further behind. I’ve told a couple people “thank you for treating me like a human being” because when I go out and am sticking my hand in garbage cans etc I look like a bum … and may be one before long. I’m not being treated as a human, or “worthy” by those who claim higher vision or authority. It hurts, makes me angry, but what can I do about it? NOTHING.

Twilight, I read your posting about your father. I guess that is what HURTS. I know this is their father … I cannot stand by and allow them (our daughters) to be hurt more by his games. It is VERY difficult to know what and when to say.

Plus, they grew up being told I was crazy, I deserted them, I was going to kill them, etc etc. I still get the backlash for that. And I do understand that it doesn’t matter what truth was or is … that was their experience and it was painful. They believed it. Finding out, too, that the parent who they trusted and thought … well that also has knocked heads for a loop.

I am the spouse and in some ways, it is easier to disengage (from him) I think. But I know the hopeful feelings I had … that I would say the “right thing” and the light bulb would go off.

I took on most of the blame, too, in past. I had even forgotten that I divorced him ONLY because he brought home filled out papers and was threatening to have me committed involuntarily. Since he did so successfully in past, I was terrified. I also was half convinced maybe I was crazy … and I thought if that was the case, I was doing the best by my daughters not to expose them.

It’s very bitter to learn that I NEVER had a “mental illness” though I suffered severe psychological injuries due to the cruelty I was put through … all for control over money.

I’m also bitter to have asked for help from the DV people. The attorney at the state agency was going to call me, so she said … she didn’t. On the same day I visisted their site and see that in August, they are hosting a fund raiser called “A Night at the Casino”. It is bitter because they would never, for example, host “Shooting Night at the Range” or the like.

I guess I will get through this; I really don’t have any choice in the matter. The worst part, I guess is that the Court system is so screwed up, too. I would not have gotten the attorney had not his acted unethically in past. It makes me want to go to town and hold up a sign. Maybe I will.

It hurt to have gone through everything I now know I was put through … tell him maybe it all happened so that I could be encouragement and support to him. Have it all thrown back in my face and not only be back stabbed again, but watch him do it to our daughters, who basically supported him and his habits with payments meant for them of $1000/month +. But once they were no worth $$ anymore, see them thrown aside too. Only to learn that this has all been intentional … crazy … unjust.

Last year, he even, for God knows what reason, added himself back to our auto policy, which came out of my account. He had a car that he scrapped before all the payments came out. I couldn’t do a thing … lost the pay in full discount and of course, it otherwise wreaked havoc on already precarious finances.

I guess two questions come to mind: how does one explain the destruction to their life, particularly in a 20 year old’s case? I know as time wears on it will be less important, especially if no more destruction. But even my student loans are behind … I gave up trying to negotiate with creditors. There is no point of telling them that non-payment is due to forces beyond my control … or that someone is intentionally doing this … to me or her. And have you found any helpful methods of dealing with the anger that is the result of trusting that “help” is there only to find out most of (not all) the “helping agencies” are more concerned for themselves than the people they claim to represent? All I ever wanted was for the destruction to stop, not money. But I can’t get beyond as long as it is continuing.

Thank you.

[jenny46]

I think when people have a certain amount of control over the lives of others or at least a little bit of power – it goes straight to their heads (in some cases) and they have a knack of forgetting that they are paid to do a job and do it to a good standard.

Sometimes they need to be reminded that they are accountable to the people that they work for which in many cases is the public. My situation was not as bad as yours but I to felt totally overwhelmed by injustice, bad treatment and always seeming to come off the worst no matter what my ex husband did in the 10 years of marriage and subsequent 6 years of stalking. I felt so powerless.

I decided to remind a few people via their complaints procedures of exactly what they were there to do and the incompetence of those working for them, I had gone past the point of feeling that complaining could make things worse. Once I got going I had trouble stopping !

I got results because I did my home work and quite calmly listed their bad practices etc against what I had learned that they should be doing.

The best part of doing it though was that I had taken back the power that I had given away (as I see it now) saying the things that I said helped me to off load it on the right doorstep / desk. I got some very different results and i certainly felt better for not being the victim all of the time.
It is a shame that in society, those who can shout the loudest get the best service but it seems to be true.

This seems a little like battling the addiction wearing different clothes and most seem so never ending.

No need to have a fight or lose your temper, theres some phrase which goes something like ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’

Jenny x

[twilight16]

Hi dadda,

To answer your question about explaining the destruction in their life in my opinion, is to make an example of how they should be very careful of allowing anyone else in their life with an addiction and to be very careful of not to become an addict, as they clearly know the dangers of letting something over take their lives like gambling.
This lesson is invaluable and hopefully will guide them when they make friends and the boyfriends they chose. I know my daughters even at their young ages, 12 and 7, know who to stay away from. I am proud to say that my daughters are aware of the consequences of being an addict as they have seen the end result of their grandfather, my dad.
It is a good thing your oldest daughter is moving far away, as I did the same thing when I went to college, which was hundreds of miles away from my dad. Yet, when I graduated and move back, he stuck to me like honey, and thus the enabling started. At first it was little things, “oh, can you help me out until I get paid..” and of course it continued for close to 20 years. It wasn’t until my late 30’s did I stop to give him anything.
My mother had warned me many times, about his gambling, and how I should not help, but I did. He had a way of asking that at first seemed genuine and before I knew it I was like his sugar daddy. It makes me sick thinking about the money I handed over to him, when I needed it and of course he never paid any of it back.
You daughter’s should know they are not helping him or themselves if they help him. He is the father, he should be responsible to take care of himself and if anyone should go to someone. It should be them and not him. I remember when I started saying no to giving him money, he would lash out.
I admire your strength and I know you will get through this, in all honestly I would not even think about your ex, he has taken so much from you and instead you should be thinking about your next move. When the house is auctioned off, walk away knowing your life will only get better.
Take care,
Twilight

[dadda]

Jenny, your words are an encouragement. I have felt “blown off and buried” for some time now. It has sort of “blown my mind” that even trying to contact someone in the media (and I have made many attempts, government , media, advocacy) … this is such a “crazy” situation, I was SURE there would be response, help, concern.

A few things have struck me, having too much time on my hands to think.

1) I’m not a criminal nor have I committed a tort. Yet, thanks to divorce (regulated by law) I have been a “legally regulated hostage” for the past sixteen years. In fact, had I committed a crime, I would likely not face as serious/cruel penalties as I have had to endure for the mere fact that I was married and a parent, who cares about her children. There is something wrong with that.

2) Since the house (the source of my now non-existent settlement) has gone through foreclosure, I have come to realize the banks are assured of a nice, stream-lined procedure to have their orders carried out and their judgment obtained. Divorce, also a civil filing and with civil orders, is not something where there is ANY procedure to get things carried out, especially if one person balks or intentionally trieds to thwart the decree. I’m “stuck and screwed” because it is almost necessary to have the paperwork done with style taking precedence over the substance.

3) I recently read an article that stated gambling is Indiana’s 3rd largest source of income. That right there tells me why CG is not receiving attention and families are merely being shunted into therapy and bankruptcy. Businesses and etc have mechanisms to get funds back and it is considered “crime” in those cases where money is taken that does not belong to the gambler.

4) I have learned that casinos make a pretty good deal on CG. When they “extend credit” and the gambler does not/cannot make good, casinos can sue for treble damamges. And they WILL WIN. I’m wondering how much “community property” gets sucked away there …

And by the same token, “exclusion” is not legally enforceable against casinos … although I have read that is may be used as “trump” when a “self-excluded” CG actually wins …

The excuse that casino workers “can’t tell” when a player is inebriated … neither can the police, sometimes. That’s what breathalyzers are for … I cannot believe the very weak arguments and “lack of” viable solutions that are used to justify ripping people off. However you want to characterize CG, NOBODY “in their right mind” throws their life away on a chance stacked against them. That much I am certain of. In fact, I am certain that the lax attitude and regulations are part of the reason that the recovery rate IS so low. Although gambling is not “my temptation” I have my own and I know how my own mind goes through the contortions when it knows better but still wants to “indulge”.

5) A while back, a little boy was sucked under the sand at Indiana Dunes. He was rescued and the area was shut down. ITt was gone over with special machinery before being reopened. Why? Liability. There are mechanisms for reporting problems with roads and all sorts of things the state is responsible for. However, even though the state permits, regulates and oversees gambling, they seem not to have made any process available to report problems. Since my daughters and I have been exposed to things that could have caused serious injury/death (and actually have, as PTSD is a serious injury), that seems to be negligence on part of the state. Whether deliberate or no … but it must be, here, as I have experienced what I have.

Those are just a few of my observations … I would be fine with anyone who wants to or knows more to refine or expand or comment.

I was appalled at the last telephone communication with a state legislative aide; I was told that my representative can only help with problems with state agencies. WHAT? These are the people proposing, wording and enacting the laws I am supposed to abide by. They should indeed be willing to look into the unintended (negative) consequences of their legislation … as willing as they are to have another summer study of the casino revenue drop “problem”.

I apparently walked into no-man’s land inadvertently … don’t know if my input, especially on this subject, will ever see the light of day … but it is a breath of fresh air, in general , to hear “don’t give up” and hear from someone who’s had some success!

[velvet]

Hi Dadda
It is a sad fact that gambling is becoming more and more invasive and that those of us who are trying to combat the evil side of it, including many CGs who are trying to control their addiction, have an uphill battle.
It is also a sad fact that the legal process is often unfair, powerless and pathetic.
Having said that I believe from your posts that you have a steely backbone and you will overcome. You have done nothing wrong but you have suffered firstly from a terrible addiction in your life and secondly from a wishy-washy legal system.
I remember when I didn’t know what it was that was wrecking my life; I searched everywhere for answers giving a full description of what was happening to me to medical professionals and counsellors but none of them came up with the addiction to gamble. I always came away feeling worse than I had before and more convinced that the problem was me. I only have to hear a few words now to recognise the addiction so why couldn’t’ they?
I believe it was one of the best days of my life when I found Gamanon, where people understood me. It was in Gamanon that I first heard about the addiction and how secretive everything about it was. I am very sorry to read that your experience with Gamanon wasn’t good. All groups are made up of individuals and there will always be ups and downs, good sessions and not so good, maybe you could try again or try another group – you do have so much to offer as well as needing well-deserved support.
I have taken the bad experience I had and tried to turn it into something good and I believe we all have the capability to do this, in fact I think we owe it to ourselves, after all the greatest revenge we can have on our unseen enemy is for us to be happy.
I hear your anger and empathise with it but I believe that your constructive activities can and will outweigh the destructiveness of the addiction that has sought to wreck your life – given time. Although you are divorced there is a tremendous residual pain which will subside but at the moment, it seems to me, you still feel you are in the eye of the storm. Your daughters are working their way through their experiences and they will do it differently to you but I am sure they will look to you to see how you cope.
Nothing you have said is out of line; there is never a need to apologise for speaking from the heart in this forum.
I know all about no-man’s land and I walk there now with my head up. I am not crazy, I have something to say that is unpalatable and many would prefer not to hear but I will not be silenced. I know I am only scratching at the surface but as long as I leave a scratch I am content that the addiction to gamble did not defeat me.
You have been heard Dadda – keep going, you will come through.
Velvet

[jenny46]

None of these rules mean that you have to accept poor treatment of you by an individual.

Not returning calls, or letters etc is basic rudeness not adverse systems !

You haven’t accepted the poor treatment of your ex although its tough – you got out – you did it – you were strong enough.

Don’t accept it from idiots behind desks who can’t be bothered to do their jobs properly. Yes I know that was judgemental of some people in ‘the helping’ professions, it was meant to be

Jenny x

[dadda]

Some of the things I hate most about the situation … but especially today … is how all the “out of my control” events do take emotional toll. Even though I can “logic it out” and know that “feelings aren’t reality”, one of the things I have learned via my own therapy (as I have a strong tendency to intellectualize) is that, optimally, feelings and thinking should sort of walk “hand in hand”. And of course, when a person has choices and can make decisions regarding their life, that is a more likely outcome. Today has been one of those days where I just don’t “feel” up to snuff, and that has robbed me of energy. Plus, of course, having been dragged through the Court system yet again … finally coming to the (quite novel) realization that I have NEVER, EVER had “insurmountable” problems in life, outside the “system”.

I know that the responses (all of) you have provided are spot on … and have been a source of frustration to me in the past. There are things I dislike doing myself … and yes, at times, I have been guilty of transgressing … failing to call someone I ought to have or … whatever. The things I don’t like to do I now try to get over with first, so those are not “staring me in the face” all the day. And for me, that works.

I was doing some reading in general earlier about domestic violence, intimate partner violence and the like. Here in the U.S., despite all the lip service, the Supreme Court has already made it clear through rulings that we have no right to expect the police to provide relief or help if someone is hurting us, or if they are hurting our children. I’ve done much reading and research and I’m not sure if it helps … sometimes. But for me, truth is more comforting than the unknown and definitely better than lies. I hate all the PR about “there is help” … that is not my experience. Sure, there is help if you don’t mind giving up everything you have worked for and earned … and including, too often, your children.

Only in terms of marriage (or similar relationship) is there the expectation that the one bullied gives up to the bully and lets them have their way.

I guess I am wondering if there are countries where problems related to legalized gambling are “reportable” … where they are actually taken seriously. I’ve had a hard time locating good information on that. I just found out this last week that our state is (again) “studying gambling” as revenues are down, mostly due to increased competition, as it stated in the press.

The whole concept hit me the other day that the state too is acting just like a CG … ignoring the pleas and needs of the citizens it SUPPOSEDLY represents and governs on behalf of. Yet fawning and trying to come up with new ways to hit that “high” they achieved a while back, when the coffers were flowing and everyone was feeling good. It sure seems they should be studying … or at least be willing to pay attention to the concerns of those adversely affected.

I dread having the house sale and eviction looming … on paper, I have been made to look completely irresponsible. I have no idea how to “explain” what’s happened without sticky explanations and putting it all under the umbrella of “divorce, you know” when in reality, THAT is not the case at all. Lots of people go through divorce without destroying everything and everyone in their path.

And of course, there is the matter of my daughter’s credit. Eventually, she will be subjected to garnishments, making her own affairs more difficult to manage. It just makes me angry that by doing absolutely nothing (but at the same time, disobeying the Court), life can be made quite hectic and full of crises, until it is hard to even remember or prioritize what remains to be done. Sorry to sound so negative, although in circumstances, it may be normal I really hate feeling as I do today!

[dadda]

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and realized that I had just woken up for the first time in I can’t remember how long … from a dream that actually was not a nightmare. The CG ex was somewhere around, but I was in a room with a group of people. All of a sudden, I realized I had a new husband. He realized I had been through a rough time and was not trying to push himself or anything “onto” me. Normally, I don’t know if I would like that, but I appreciated it and went to sit with him and was demonstrating my affection with physical gestures such as hand holding.

I like dreams and used to keep a dream diary. I have no idea where this one came from … but I am glad to have FINALLY woken up and not from a nightmare … it has been a very long time. Most days I would wake up exhausted; my daughter had heard me tossing and turning and talking in my sleep (and I have observed that with her) and finally, I’d realized I wasn’t getting much restful and restorative sleep. I’d been bearing with it patiently for some time. From my dream journal in past, I found that there was a lot of repetition of symbols. I often dreamed of tornados, for example and going back to my childhood home to try to find something or having the feeling something had been left behind.

I find it useful, because in waking life, “coping” sometimes requires the use of some deceptions (although that might be better termed projection or suppression; various defense mechanisms) and though the strategy might be conscious and somewhat healthy, I think it also prevents the mind from using all information it might constructively.

So I am sort of interested in this dream, due to the symbolism and the sorts of messages I got from it. It certainly wasn’t anyone I recognize from “real life” and I haven’t had the luxury or desire to even think of a new relationship.

I know since he filed for divorce, I would often dream of him and often, it involved maleovalent intentions toward me. Several years ago, I learned that he held grudges for well over a decade about some argument we’d had that I certainly couldn’t remember (and not that he would ever tell me specifically, the details). These grudges would be resurrected and used as justification whenever he went on a “punishment” rampage. I remember him telling me once, in reference to things that resulted from his actions: “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Never any actual personal accountability for those actions, however. I think that was the major difference in this dream: the man representing husband did not have to be fended off or “have it explained”. He was sensitive or perceptive enough to “know” and caring enough; he had empathy … and what is that saying? “True love waits” … and a whole lot more.

[monique]

Hello Dadda.
I’m glad you had a good dream. I just wanted to add that I think that when we dream it is OUR OWN dream most of all, so everything and everyone in it can represent something about ourselves. So, although there are other people in the dream – some we ‘recognize’ and some we do not – the dream is not necessarily describing those people, but those people in the dream are describing ourselves in some way. So this sensitive, perceptive, empathic person in this dream could be YOU. Might it be that you are becoming more able to care for yourself? That you will care for yourself, even if it is a tremendous struggle and you will be able to this in spite of being so let down by others?
Just my thoughts.

Monique

[dadda]

Hi, Monique! Yes, dreams interest me a lot. I was having lots of nightmares back in 1998, when problems really developed. I kept a dream diary for a few years. I’ve also had many over these past several years that are themed around him “tricking me” or trying to kill me.

I’ve read the theory that everyone in the dream may represent the dreamer, but sometimes I do think that there can be warnings and such from the part of us (intuition) that hasn’t been completely quashed by the “training” we receive in school and the like. I read “The Gift of Fear” back then, too, and it talked about how we ignore (often) subtle cues that otherwise would be very informative to us.

I actually had a dream before we EVER went out. In the dream, he knocked at the door to pick me up, but his eyes were this really weird shade of pink-red. Sort of like how they get from crying, but not quite. I never had such a dream before dating someone … and that was “about it” or all I remember … just like there was something there, trying to warn me but the choice was mine. I received the (strong) impression that either he would hurt me very badly, or I him.

So now, I do pay attention to dreams where someone is trying to kill/do me harm. I’ve come to realize it might be metaphorical, in that they are not literally trying to kill me, but killing a part of me … and that is likely not in my best interest!

LOL I fell asleep on the stool the other day … have been so exhausted and all I remember was trying to keep my head above water. I woke back up within a few minutes; most of the night dreams I don’t remember lately (again).

[dadda]

HI! I see it has been a while since I have been here. I have been (as usual) dealing with more than one person can … and I am tired, but considering the circumstances, I have been realizing that I am more deserving of maybe a medal? definitely at least, some extra credit!

The house went through foreclosure and wasn’t even on the market the last six months (at least) per the divorce decree. ANd of course, he has quit paying his judgment for the child support money he was ordered to return in 2011.

I tried to respond in the foreclosure and was actually granted a settlement conference; I was planning to go in and ask the Court to oversee the sale of the house and definitely, change of realtor, as he had signed a one year agreement (nobody does that if they mean to sell the property!) But my conference was vacated at the request of the banks’s attorney.

My ex brother-in-law bought it at sheriff sale. He paid $57k on a $91k judgment; the house was appraised at $146k shortly before the hearing in 2012. WHAT A STEAL.

So today I had to go to Court as I am being evicted. It has been harrowing, because there is plenty of information geared toward former owners and tenants, but not “ex-spouses left in the lurch”. However, I did not receive the summons and only knew about it by knowing the people I’ve been forced to deal with and checking on-line. So the matter was postponed, as I am supposed to have sufficient time between service and appearance.

The brother in law (BIL) stated that he and his siblings were determined the house not pass out of the family (actually, the acre of land it sits on). I learned he has a real estate license, though expired. So he knows how things work … and fact is, they could have made a good sales offer anytime while the house was under contract or even after, before the foreclosure judgment came through. It now “makes sense” that ex did not respond AT ALL to the foreclosure, despite filing numerous (at least 7 times) motions and etc indicating he wanted to keep the house, wanted possession, was having “no trouble” making payments … etc. All premeditated and of course, now the access to even MORE MONEY GUARANTEED, as they paid cash for a property worth about $89k more …

On a related note, I was looking over the mortgages, as we bought the house together in 1998. There was an initial mortgage of $95k, for 20 years. When it was refinanced a year before he filed (and yes, he took money out then), the new 30 year mortgage was for $91k.

BUT, after I was forced to quit claim it to him a year after our first divorce (and none of the $6k I received coming out of the house), I went back and made a $10k principal payment on the note …
… if you “back that out”, the house was actually and truly mortgaged for more in 2009 than it was initially, meaning I AM the only person who truly has paid it down (at all) and it has merely been a piggy bank for him. I did a full amortization and the note should be around $17k …

Really surprised attorney didn’t catch this … or a lot else, but I have been learning there is not a lot of knowledge out there, on the matter. I searched the American Bar Association site and did not find much about gambling, at all, much less protecting clients from PG.

I’ve been really frustrated with lawmakers here in my state, but I am getting onto a nearly “first name” basis now. I contacted both the senate and house office for my district today before Court and was explaining how I have no “standing” in the eviction matter, nor did I in the foreclosure, etc. I was told by both assistants, whom I have spoken with before, that they have never heard of/dealt with “such” as the situation I’ve been forced to cope with. Whew! Some validation … and appreciate the encouragement not to give up! 🙂
I have a million things to pack and only a tentative rental approval so am going to go for now but hoping to not stay a stranger as much! My oldest daughter moved out Saturday. Of course that has been bittersweet, but when I think of alternatives, and KNOW, with no room for doubts, that they and I have been no more than extra “piggy banks” I guess the damages I have suffered worth the short term (I hope) problems. And though there is a LONG way to go, apparently, before the state acknowledges that not all gambling related damages can be “fixed” (especially for family members) through bankruptcy and therapy … I’m appalled at the fact that our 21 year old has credit ruined and no real recourse, while all the “more mature adults” who even tried to destroy my bond with her and her sister … left her “as is” while profiting mightily and continuing to enable their father’s acts of destruction. If I didn’t go through this, I highly doubt I would have believed it possible.

S o looking forward to resting my head on a pillow … soon and not waking up to a nightmare and adrenalin coursing through my veins, first thing.

[monique]

I hope you find peace in your waking and your sleeping times. You have endured so much. I wish you the strength to pick up and keep going and also a better future.
Monique

[dadda]

FIrst, I wanted to say that when I was on here last time, I read through San’s posts. I was going to say something, but sometimes I start freezing up even after I’ve written something out. And at first I felt like maybe there were a lot of differences, but as I read on in her posts, I saw where there were some areas where I could really relate and also learn from her. I liked, especially, what I read on the Conscious parenting, LOL. I wanted so much to be a good wife and mom and one of my first pictures with my oldest daughters is my giving her a “sponge bath”, with my reference book propped up by my side to make sure I was doing it right! But U have saved the links ’cause I want to learn more; I have learned some about the links between certain personality disorders and PG, or other often related pathogy. I’ve also been surprised to learn that many have PTSD; I had read that many members of the U.S. military were getting dishonorable discharges when their (misdiagnosed as something else first) PTSD showed up as “troublesome behavior”.

I guess the first thing that REALLY made me feel more in tune with San was when she wrote about her mother-in-law (ex, I think). I can remember with mine, being literally screamed at once and accused of trying to seduce HER husband. All that came about as a result of my getting a phone call from the hospital where he’d been admitted, the staff asked if I would come in and sit with him as he was agitated. I “forgot” to get permission from MIL FIRST … as I was apparently skulking around, just waiting for opportunity. I can remember that was one of those times (as I recognize now) I went into emotional shock. NOBODY had ever treated me like that before and made such baseless accusations, besides. I never got an apology, ex never stood up against his mother’s behavior, either. And though that is one of the most memorable events (as I do recognize she must have totally lost control of herself … or maybe not), there were others and as I learned, a lot of problem people like to hide in the shadows; they will never perform like that in public. I also heard plenty on the perfections (?) of her son … more or less though, I heard so much on how “he couldn’t handle the stress” … I actually believe that, now … but I attribute it more to his being babied and never encouraged to “be a man”.

Over the years, I came to realize that he put on a show for his parents, so that the conditional love tied to inheritance would be his. More sadly, though, I realized that since he was not encouraged to be genuine, he was almost always putting on a show – for me, for our children, for the police and mental health providers. I went into therapy, wondering why I could “be so blessed” but also so tired and not “satisfied”. Well, I did realize shortly into therapy (within a year) that I was EXPECTED to shoulder my responsibilities, whatever he “couldn’t” handle and accomodate others (what they couldn’t handle) and there was no encouragement to me, there was no realization that I am a human, with finite strengths and a NEED to be able to relax, express and grow.

I can remember before things got bad that I started looking at us, as a couple, and feeling like I was married to Peter Pan … and that we were nothing more than a couple of over-age adolescents, playing at marriage within the parameters ALLOWED by his parents. At one point, his mother told me directly that I was EXPECTED to “support” her son until his death … apparently, I made some pact that I was not given to read or agree to, it was going to be demanded of me.

I don’t have a lot of time to do so, but once in a while, I wonder what mental gymnastics are required to absolve her son of responsibility … he ran away, he had an affair, he refused to do the right thing by our children and me. Likely, it’s not much. When the house was sold recently in what is (obvious to me) fraud, the cousins of my daughters told them, via FB, that if they claimed to have “lost something” etc, they were going to be put in the same “book” as their mother (me). I’m a POS because I refused to go along with the family script … and the worst part (this time) is that I couldn’t leave and wasn’t even allowed to, until it’s to the point where “the judge kicks me out with nothing”.

I have a hard time seeing PG as “illness” because of the fact that I have been so terrorized and even broken down, and been forced to watch my daughters go through similar. I even learned, over time, that my presence and availability as “whipping boy” saved the children from being exposed so much, so it was a strong motivator to my returning. I would never have left, had I known that he had a major problem and I knew (after getting better and realizing I never WAS crazy, just wounded) that as an adult, I was likely to be be much better equipped to handle all this.

I appreciated San’s writing too because KNOWING what my daughters have been through and what we are all trying to get through … and so unfair, so wrong … it would be easy for me, even unwittingly, to go the wrong way and over-baby or overcompensate for what has happened. Like with my daughter not being able to pay all her rent; her father scared her out of the house last summer to further his own schemes. Having myself gone through a breakdown and knowing some of the (hidden) tactics, I can’t blame her … any more than be surprised that my reassurances from the sheriff’s department didn’t soothe my oldest … she packed up her car and left for 14 hours, just in case the police came … and this due to her uncle buying the house? How many young adult ladies go through such? I’ve helped to make sure she doesn’t end on the street; she is a student and so works part time, gets some aid but the situation has forced her to also take on loans JUST to pay living expenses. And as it was, she could have remained this past year … but I am sure that had to do with his keeping out of trouble in Court, as how could I pay all the rest of the expenses for her to live while her father refused ONE: the roof overhead. I’ve told her that while she is in school, she may live with me; I won’t expect a half contribution, but some as is appropriate. And I have told her that she can choose to remain on her own/have roommate, but is unlikely I will be able to give much more help, as I have all financial woes to figure out, too.

So still learning and still trying to keep in mind what is important to remember. I’m hated because I was willing to support and encourage recovery, but NOT be enabler … I know that would have killed me, literally or figuratively, in the end. I also haven’t been willing to put on a happy face to the world and pretend … all is hunky dory.

I have to go back to Court Friday … twice. One for a credit card bill I have no way to pay (over a year, now) and though I went to Consumer Credit Counselors and also tried explaining and trying to get creditors understanding, I had to give up because the late charges and interest, plus getting more expenses dumped while all Court orders for payment violated … and then go back in the afternoon regarding the eviction. Trying to muddle through this, when there is VERY little understanding on the part of people in the system. I did learn New York has one gambling Court, however. And found a whole list of people who study PG, so maybe some additional resources etc to be found. Very painful to see the relatives of the PG gang up and give us the consequences we didn’t earn, though.

BUT, I finally received an e-mail from the assistant to my state legislative representative, who finally acknowledges I have a “very unique” problem. I’ve been persistent, having figured out my major problem in seeing the divorce settlement orders carried out, has been that I have had NO standing. I’m not a “former owner” b/c of the quit claim, so I was refused a meeting in the foreclosure, which ex NEVER responded ONCE to … as I realized after the stress of that Court action was through … and despite his numerous filings and attorney letters … he wanted the house he wanted to KEEP the house. He could pay for the house, on and on. Plus, I realized that it must be pretty unusual for someone to rent a PO Box and not change their address, if they think they are NEVER returning there …

And finally, I’ve come to realize, as I was looking at mortgage papers recently (I made a $10k payment to the mortgage AFTER the quit claim AND there is a copy of the check and receipt in our previous divorce file), he may have his name on all, but I am the only one who has paid it down … he has used it as a piggy bank … that really should give me some standing, as the same loan officer, in a small company, has dealt with all … I asked him for a letter after the divorce was filed, because it was represented to him AND me that we were doing this together, but went with just one name on the mortgage because the interest rate was better. SUPPOSEDLY, we were going to change the deed. The loan officer refused …

At least someone “official” finally admits that yes, I am “up against the wall”. Yay!! I’m so glad Jennie (I hope I am remembering right – yay! I was) that you encouraged me NOT to give up. This has been so hard; one thing that keeps me going is that (faith, please no offense meant to any) I figure I can’t be the only one going through similar … and God is allowing it for a purpose … and my intelligence and sometimes articulate statement and writing might be a reason … to be able to bring a little more out, or at least to someone with the influence/power and character to realize how wrong, that family members can be destroyed, so to speak, and sometimes only because they had no reasons to mistrust or suspect, particularly as the plethora of gambling opportunities has exploded over the past two decades or so … while the knowledge and research has not only lagged, but remained almost as well hidden as the problem.

So thank you all for your continued and past encouragement. Still very tired and anxious, but knowing there are better days.

And I may not comment, or too much, on others’ posts for now, but I decided I will read at least one through each time so I can at least know who is who and “what is what” to an extent.

And if anyone had the fortitude to make it through all I wrote, can I just ask whether people ever start a new personal thread, like if there is a major change? Or just go through on the same one? I am not sure on that, and it may be written somewhere, if so please forgive as I normally haven’t had time or energy to do all that needs done on the normal stuff- yikes! Hugs to all and a wish for peace inside!

[velvet]

Hi Dadda
Encouraging a son to be a man or a daughter to be a woman does not mean that the addiction to gamble will not figure in that person’s life although I agree that babying peoples as they develop is not good. I cannot answer for your ex MIL but I do know that she did not ask for or want her son’s addiction and it would have caused her terrible pain resulting possibly in her own erratic, poor, behaviour – I cannot judge her.
I do know CGs put on shows to protect themselves just as those around them put on masks to protect themselves from feelings of shame and confusion. I am sorry your therapist left you feeling that you were expected to make up for the inadequacies in your relationship – that was not deserved. You were in a no-win situation and you in your turn had neither asked for nor wanted the addiction in your life.
‘If’ you feel you are hated then it is because of ignorance and ignorance of this addiction is world-wide. I know only too well the wall you have come up against – it is a wall that is recognised on this forum by every person who has loved a CG and I think it is good to speak out, whenever we can, to reach a wider audience.
It didn’t take fortitude to read your post – sadly your words were only too familiar. I fully understand you find it hard to see compulsive gambling as an illness – you are angry and you have a right to be. However, with understanding I think that most members who have passed through this forum and groups have come out stronger people. If we allow the addiction to ruin our lives once we have knowledge of it then the addiction, in my view, has won.
It is common for people to start a new thread after a major change, although many people stay with the same one so they can look back on their journey as a diary and see how far they have come. There is never anything to forgive on this forum – you are doing all that needs to be done. Keep posting and using your ability to articulate on behalf of those who have found themselves in the eye of the addiction storm.
Velvet

[dadda]

Velvet, I just read your last response. Funny, I thought about starting a new thread but decided against it. Partly because, as you said, it brings one the memories of how much has happened/changed and how much one has endured, etc. So I decided to stick with this one.

First off, I am literally so exhausted that many days, I wish I would not wake up anymore. It is three months now since I was evicted with only 40 hours notice and since then … war is hell they say; life should not be … but then, I no longer consider “this” life, only existence and “survival” but for what? More of the same?

After I was thrown out, only some of my things were put into storage (per the order). My car was constantly overheating due to a failing water pump, but I was afraid to change it then (plus didn’t have $$ for new part) because if it was harder than I thought, I would be completely without transportation.

I went down (that house is 40 miles from the reasonably sized city I moved to) and supposedly, a couple in-laws were going to be there so I could get some of my things … they left many (probably most of what was useful/valuable) in the basement. Nobody was there.

So Monday, I went back and the brother agreed to meet and “supervise” although he made me come an hour later than I
wanted to. At noon, he said he was taking a “lunch break”. That lasted until 4pm; I was not able to get anything done during that time … just sit around and cool my heels. So I got a few more hours done, was able to get help from one person bringing things up from the basement for a while (I called many, many churches hoping to find some help). He took off, ostensibly to find out where “the others” were and I never heard from him again.

The next day, I was late getting down there due to overheating problems. I had a couple hours bringing things up from the basement; the previous day I had been allowed to load the truck with whatever I had brought up to the driveway, even after he had left. So I tried to bring up the most valuable things and personal papers,etc. There was a dumpster in the driveway; the day before, I had found many of my personal papers and even new things (mine) trashed in the dumpster. I had retrieved what I could and hoped to check for more after I was done bringing things up.I had also called the police department because I anticipated trouble; the brother had snatched our daughters years before, when they were 5 and 6, precipitating (undiagnosed for 5 years) panic attacks in me and helping his brother (CG) who filed divorce promptly after.

At noon, out of nowhere, the brother ordered me off the property. I did not have the truck, I had parked it at the nearby lot from which I’d rented it as I could not afford to drive it back and forth. I was going to get it after I was done bringing things up … and the brother knew it. He had asked where it was earlier and I’d told him I couldn’t afford mileage charges. He watched me go up and down the stairs hauling my possessions up, knowing I was not going to be “allowed” to take anything that day and would have incurred extra charges for the truck, having kept it the extra day.

We’d been forced to take our cats to a neighbors when I was evicted … one was hit by a car and one we had not been able to find when I had to leave. It was next door at CG and brother’s mother’s house; brother had told me he would get her when I was leaving. I did not get her back, either. It was all lies.

The other brother has a business selling things on-line and I had started selling books on-line when CG had a heart attack about 5 years ago. I had purchased more books with salable valuable since the divorce and had other new items, etc that were stored in the basement. So I am guessing that is where my personal possessions were destined … as more profit and another “take that” to me.

I called the police officer I’d spoken to before and pointed out the order didn’t have a time, etc. He called the brother, then called me back, telling me the brother was “being an a**hole”, “playing games” and he was sorry for what I was going through, but he couldn’t do anything. I went to the Court then (twenty miles) and wrote out a plea and complaint for my possessions and cat. I just learned the other day that the (foreclosure attorney, also representing brother) items were considered “abandoned” by me on motion of brother’s attorney. I can’t think too hard about it all because I will cry.

I haven’t been able to get a job, yet, either between dealing with having things in two storages (plus fees) and having to stay with daughter (which resulted in my sleeping in my car several nights as well) and having her own anxiety issues come to a head several times, revealing her lack of trust in just about everyone (I feel the same sometimes). No credit, no money and no place to move the things in storage.

So I had to collect more cans and stuff to supplement my disability check. Somewhere along the way, I was bitten by a tick and got some sort of infection. I didn’t know there was a tick on me, I started feeling pain on my abdomen one night and thought I had a rash coming on but couldn’t see anything. It hurt the next day and I had a closer look; I saw a round circular red area I took to be a scab and showed it to my daughter. “Mom, that’s not a scab, that’s a tick,” she told me before removing it as well as she could. I went to the urgent care and was given an initial dose of antibiotics and the rest of the mouthpiece was removed. Pretty much the costs negated many of my collected cans; had I not been collecting them, I doubt I’d have gotten the tick.

We received some help to get into the place we have moved to (my younger daughter and me) or I have no idea what we would be doing … it’s cold as heck already and I have been forced to get more cans to come up with my share of the rent.

Last week, I went to use my debit card and it was turned down, even though I had just transferred money. When several more attempts had the same results, I went to the ATM, which said my account was overdrawn about $200. I called the bank and was told my account had been garnished. I have only disability income and that isn’t supposed to happen, except for a very few exceptions which I knew weren’t the case. The bank was closed when I called (on a Friday evening I was hit with all this); I was able to find a branch open on Saturday. The manger was very nice, but told me I need to go get a Court order about my account to give to the legal department.

I can’t even find a case with garnishment (civil collection) on the on-line docket in which I haven’t met with the involved attorney and explained and told them I would get in touch when I have a job. And to get a job … I NEED some peace and sanity. I have to either keep paying on storage or lose what little I have left … and on the one storage, I was not able to pay for November, it is now December and right now, I have only $6 to last me for the next 16 days. $107 is due in about a week for car insurance …

and the day before that, one of my molars broke off, leaving a sharp edge(s) that is gouging my tongue, making it not only difficult to eat, but I have been getting pain on swallowing and near my ear on that side … I have no dental insurance, so I guess I have to wait until it really becomes a medical concern. I used to grind my teeth when I was asleep and this apparently became quite a habit when all this divorce and terrorization started up, years ago. Just another wonderful effect of being the unwitting spouse of CG, I guess. I keep wondering what type of employer will hire me with all the holes in my mouth I am getting … this is the third tooth that has broken partially, it has been “grin and bearit” because I have had no choice.

I still have heard nothing back from Gam-Anon and there is basically no support. Even though I still go to therapy, it feels like an exercise in futility. I haven’t done anything wrong and I can only see that I am being punished and deprived of choices, freedom, possession, peace of mind, health and being forced to pretty much watch as my life is stripped away, while the CG and relatives are rewarded, with my possessions and Court award, as well as unearned automatic equity … and nobody here gives a darn. Occasionally, I’ve thought that MAYBE, just MAYBE, someone would take the injustice seriously and have the power to do something or publicize it. I feel completely invisible and as though really, I don’t “exist” except for the nearly constant (though I am grateful for the periods where it ebbs for a while) pain in my mouth, as well as the pain in my feet from toxic neuropathy, the apparently permanent result of having to take medications I never needed, having been misdiagnosed for years, from the machinations of the CG and his mother, who was quite active in supporting her CG son’s fraud.

I can feel myself going into and out of emotional shock, too. I know that and the fatigue are dangerous, as despite even KNOWING I have to, I’m too exhausted and without hope to even force myself sometimes. I’ve done nothing wrong, and the CG has accomplished his goals, the cruel relatives who’ve helped him in past and currently are profiting from me directly and I don’t even have a say in Court about matters that have basically stripped the last 20 years of effort and accomplishments from me and even worse, destroyed me financially to the point where I end up often having weeks out of the month with no money for gas, minutes for phone service or other necessities.

I guess the worst part though is that I have no idea what God expects me to do with or about the situation. I find myself crying a lot, because there seems to be no answer and no way out … just pain and everyone else having rights … while I am supposed to “accept” and “get on with my life”. My life ended quite a while ago, unfortunately, my physical existence didn’t.

I don’t mean to sound so … whatever. But that is basically what I have been experiencing on the outside … and more lately, on the inside as my last hopes for fairness in the Court (per the law of “equitable settlement” in divorce) have been dashed and even the possessions I earned, or things like the sewing machine I was given as a birthday gift when I was 9 years old, have been taken from me as booty for the greedy … sick … or whatever. At this point, I would just call them evil. THAT is how I feel.

[dadda]

I was reading a couple of threads last night … Berber’s and Jamesn’s. I can remember back to what seems a lifetime ago, when I discovered the gambling problem after he had filed for divorce and taken up with the nurse. I remember how I had gone to a therapist, who thought I was “nuts” to even consider sticking with a guy who was having affair (with his nurse, to boot). He told me 90% of women wouldn’t even consider it. At the time, I had thought maybe he was bipolar or maybe all that I was learning was related to his nearly fatal heart attack. I remember how happy I actually was, when I learned of the affair … because finally I had confirmation that I WASN’T CRAZY. I was merely responding (I’d been struggling with feeling depressed) to the lies and other games and things going on … the rages and weak but potent blame heaped on me for ALL of his “problems”.

Reading the threads of others brought back memories of how I had told him that “maybe this is why I had to go through all of what I had” back at the time he had first filed for divorce … I didn’t know, at the time, that I had been victimized intentionally and maliciously in order to make me look bad, to hell with the consequences to me … as long as he retained control over “his” money (meaning mine, too) and me, if possible. When he told me, back then, that he wanted to “cancel” the divorce and never wanted it … I believed him. I didn’t realize the “property settlement” his attorney had sent over, that awarded him all and me nothing, would NEVER have stood up in a competent Court. I remembered how I told him, though, that if he and I were “right” with God and each other, there was no problem that I couldn’t get through … didn’t mean it would be easy … just that it would happen.

Sometimes I feel sad … when I had to go to the women’s shelter years ago, I was one of the few women without her children. They had been snatched from me and custody given to him … his mother and he telling authorities I was “mental” and a drug addict … I was in out-patient counseling and had been taking medications prescribed by the doctor. He didn’t like it when I became assertive again and quit easily “giving in” to his “requests” and “desires”. I was the “odd one out” in the women’s shelter and it made me feel there must be something horribly wrong with me that I didn’t have my children … especially when I compared myself with others there (which I couldn’t help). I guess in a way it makes me feel the same, to know that my support and encouragement was “not enough”. I know that isn’t true … I don’t know yet if others are struggling with similar … being (seemingly) punished while CG goes on their merry way, continuing on and profiting at their spouse’s expense, despite the so-called “oversight” of attorney and Courts of law.

I sort of wanted to write a note of encouragement, but I thought better of it for the moment, as I am so angry and hurt that I would not be able to write something that would be “proper”; same reason I am not trying to work in nursing … concentration and all else are overshadowed by the chaos, drama and destruction and I don’t trust myself to be responsible for someone else’s life and health when my judgment and objectivity have been turned upside down.

Was hoping to get here for chat, but I went looking for cans so I’ll have enough money to get the bills due/coming due taken care of.

I was along the ramp of the freeway and a man called out to me; he had a couple cans in his hand so I went over to take them. He also handed me a $5 bill and a prayer card with Jesus on the front, a Catholic one (although I am not Catholic, I’ve had friends and recognize the pictures). I was reading the prayer on back, which ends …

“Let every angry word said to me or against me be returned with words of love and mercy not anger or revenge. Let every desire I have be for You. Let my will conform to Yours. Touch every cell of my body, Lord, and make me the person, the servant, You want me to be. Amen.”

I will admit I am not there … I have trouble when pain and need are wracking me, being exhausted and knowing that I have been unjustly treated … that my daughters are and have been … and that maybe they don’t see me as “failure” but they can’t see me as someone to emulate. It makes me think of Jesus’ suffering … i cannot say that mine “compares” just that I can’t help thinking … because it comes to my mind, that he GOT TO die … the suffering was for several days. And I cannot know what His experience here was (like) but as God, His knowledge far exceeds mine … it is one thing to believe something … it is so much harder to “have faith” when all seems dark ahead and no end in sight. Especially when I look around and see others who are of similar belief, whatever denomination, and their lives seem so placid in comparison. Or plentiful … that is hard. Used to think maybe I could help others once I “got through” this; now I sometimes wonder if I WILL survive it. I guess I will have to find out.

To those who are still with their CG partner, I just hope and pray for you the strength, patience and all else you need to keep going. I know what statistics say but I don’t know how much research, especially useful and accurate, is really done. So if you are with them … I hope that someone perks you up or reminds you. Either way is hard, that is the one thing I know. I knew divorce the first time had been hard (though NOTHING like this, which I think is punishment for my not giving in to demands plus destruction BECAUSE I did fine without him, once I got my bearings and the PTSD was identified), but I KNEW that things got better … and as far as the marriage went, I didn’t know if the whole time had been a “con” but it seemed like there had been a time when WE had been happy together and I thought he loved me and our daughters. I forget exactly who was describing the addiction (Nora?) and how it is separate from the person, but I sort of know how that makes sense. One thing I learned during the first divorce was how much I had changed … and yet had not. I mean I had changed as over the years I gave in to little requests and such that seemed “no big deal” at the time. There was some sort of struggle in me during the time I was thrown out that time and it certainly did seem a foreign part was there; it was tempting to give in and seemed to have advantages … but I recognize NOW that part of what I was going through was somewhat a spiritual crisis and integrity crisis.

Anyway, this is sort of rambly so am going to end for now. But if anyone bears reading my lengthy “catch ups” I wish all of you well and better, your partners and loved ones also. Hoping that more things simmer down so I can come on here when the chat is occurring. Anyway, once it snows it is pretty hard to find cans! So hopefully get caught up and at least maintain, get some rest and continue on … I know resentments and such are in the 12 steps … a lot of that I do use, though not as formally and I’m not sure I agree 100%. But I DO know that bitterness and resentment doesn’t help me or hurt them; I’m not interested in revenge, just wanted to leave somewhat fairly … and it hurts to know they are profiting but likely will still squander what I worked for and could sure use … and just say, like the man in the Bible, “I believe, help my unbelief!”

[dadda]

I felt so much better the other day; maybe because I didn’t spend hours lugging things or bending down a million times (or so it seems) to pick up yet another can.

Despite feeling better, it still staggers my mind that I am still faced with so many giant difficulties, despite not having done ANYTHING wrong, while CG and etc go on … having made profit at my expense and that of our children.

I have to question, too, whether the brother who bought the house has a gambling problem. Both he and a son are listed on the “lottery winners” page as having won $1,000 on scratch tickets. The brother’s income is 4x what I have available, yet he filed for straight bankruptcy about 18 – 19 months before the sheriff sale … yet managed to come up with $57k cash.

I overslept today and have to make the most of the light. Go find some cans and go haul stuff. Also have to try to find the owner’s slip to car so I can sell it Monday to the junkyard, cause there has to be enough money to pay insurance.

Last night I was getting some cans and a man drove up and gave me a bag of them (people often will give me the cans out of their vehicle if they see what I am doing). It sort of hurt, though, when he and I talked for a few minutes. I don’t give a “sob story” but basically, just “what it is” as briefly and clearly as possible. It hurt because then he asked for a hug and I told him I don’t hug strangers. Oh well … I have already thought about the dangers, from sticking my hand onto a discarded needle to picking up something like hepatitis … but what are the alternatives? There is no “help” other than general and I don’t qualify. Just have to get through this time and hope I make it out alive and in general good health, I guess.

Feels like I have been sentenced though to hard labor or worse … all for having been a parent (and therefore, the Court jurisdiction over me). Even blatant criminals do not have to go through such, though I am not saying some are not subjected to pretty terrible/worse that they don’t deserve, either.

I taught my children what to do if they need help. And I have tried to get through and past this on my own efforts; when I saw I could not outstrip the destruction, I asked for help, communicated with the Courts and etc. I have gotten a bit of help, here and there. It has been piecemeal and unfortunately, often “too little, too late”.

Last night, a woman saw and called to me; I thought she was “chasing me away” but she was trying to hand me some money. I told her I wasn’t looking (or asking) for money but she insisted I take it. It was enough that I can fill the tank partially.

I am still feeling quite exhausted, but going to get on with the business of the day. Maybe will feel a bit better again later … and at least I still can. I remember how I used to think maybe I can help someone else … at the moment and for a while though, I am wondering if I will make it through. I hope so … I miss life … being able to relax … being able to choose.

[dadda]

Yesterday I went by the place where things were stored (by his relatives) after I was kicked out of the house. There is another padlock on there now as I have been unable to pay. So … it looks like those things are gone … I was down there after missing a doctor’s appointment that was the 2nd reschedule of the original. By now, I don’t even recall what occurred specifically to cause me to miss the first. Last time I tried to go, I ran out of gas and walked two miles before a lady picked me up and drove me the one and a half remaining miles. I actually got to this one, but I was about 15 minutes late and the office was closing for a Christmas party.

The night before, I didn’t have any gas money. My daughter loaned me $5 so I was able to get there and back (about 40 miles one way).

Today, I had to break down and call the car insurance company and ask if I could bring the money as there isn’t enough in the bank.

I’m tired. I’ve been spending hours collecting cans and etc. I’ve been moving things out of the storage up here; it’s been a long tiring process as I have to put what I take on or in the car and load it myself. The other night, I was able to get quite a bit; I had a tabletop, mattress and large dresser on top and the rest of the car stuffed to overflow. I actually had to use some mathematical thinking (or at least scientific) to figure out how to get the queen size mattress up and on top; I was pleased that I was able to figure out that opening the doors and just getting it that high would give me a basis for getting it the rest of the way there! 🙂 Fortunately there is not much left there and the man there graciously gave me some extra time without charge.

[dadda]

I started new posts, but gave it up; the browser crashed anyway … but for the moment, feel like I’m only talking to myself … get enough of that in everyday existence … pretty cold here and snowy. Have been working feverishly to find as many cans as possible before they are hidden by snow (as they are now).

Dr. appt., then off to Court to see what I can find out about this unlawful garnishment of my bank account. Also to storage to see if there is any arrangement I can make to keep from losing my things that are still there. No minutes on phone; can only text for now … no extra money. Hoping to get part time job shortly, but getting everything I’ve earned taken and no recourse … doesn’t help my motivation … especially since I am mostly bone tired … especially when I wake up … oh well, keep on plugging on through the injustice … gotta say, never believed such was possible in a supposedly “free” country with Constitutional rights … haha …. been learning more about the US than I ever wanted to know … surprised not to have an upset stomach to boot. Onward and upward …

[velvet]

Hi Dadda
I feel, having read your posts and replies to others that you are holding a lot of anger and I am concerned that living with so much pain is neither healthy nor necessary. I appreciate you have done nothing wrong but you are obviously struggling with the outcome of a traumatic divorce. I am sorry to read that you have found your therapy an exercise in futility and would suggest you change your therapist as counsellors do vary and finding the right one is so important – perhaps it is time for you to decide what serves you and what you should let go.
Researching too deeply into a subject without proper direction can lead the unwitting into a mire of misunderstanding and in my experience doesn’t help those who love CGs one jot. I have not found ‘intentional’ malice to be a tool of the CG and suggesting different personality disorders doesn’t help.
You have not been talking to yourself, I have read every post you have written but most of the problems you have described do not come within the remit of this site and as such it is impossible for me (or any member) to comment on the fairness, or otherwise, of US divorce laws or court orders, nor can I comment on your PTSD apart from reiterating that looking after oneself is the most important thing you can do.
I would urge you to seek counselling from those who are properly able to advise you and who can support you as you deserve.
I wish you well
Velvet

[dadda]

Hi Velvet! I read your reply and it was good to just hear from someone. I started to rely last evening but then thought I just wanted to think on what you said,plus got busy with “problems” as per usual. I’m not sure whether I interpreted your response completely correctly, in this case (my relationship with CG) I have experienced malice (aka punishment) from not obeying (doing what is demanded of me). Unfortunately, the situation actually started in 1998 and I knew absolutely NOTHING about “gambling problems”. Once I became aware (after he filed THIS divorce) of THE PROBLEM, I still had no idea that everything I have been/am experiencing is actually “known”, at least on the surface.

I don’t expect anyone to necessarily comment on the political or legal stuff … we are required to take a “U.S. Govt” class in high school prior to graduation … I had no exposure to Courts other than for traffic ticket … nothing prepared me for being forced to stand “civilly” while my life is dismantled, my possessions and assets squandered on what turned out were unnecessary (but costly) legal fees, or just taken from me and given to ex-in-laws, all because I was left without funds to leave or remove them to another place.

🙂 Anyway, I read and thoroughly understand (and enjoy) Jonathan Swift’s writing on the matter of attorneys and Courts … it is as applicable today as when he wrote it hundreds of years ago …

It would take too long and accomplish nothing much to explain what I have learned … despite the numerous “advocacy agencies” and “help lines”, when it gets to the nitty gritty, there are no resources here to assist the families … and those associated with the Court system seem pretty ignorant about CG … although I did read that there is now a special Court in at least one state which addresses CG in cases where a criminal defendant suffers with it.

My whole complaint is that the roads, like legal gambling, are operated and etc under the auspices of the state … if there is a giant pothole, I can report it. It’s not that difficult. If the state doesn’t repair or warn of the hazard, people whose cars are damaged can file claims. I can’t figure out who or how a person is supposed to “complain” or report problems related to CG, especially when it pertains to a partner (or relative). Because of the number of efforts I’ve made and my level of intelligence, I’m “guessing” that complaints are not to be made …. “please play responsibly” being the level of “public awareness” that is supposed to suffice for the CG and unwitting relatives.

I hope this doesn’t come across wrong (any of my reply) but I AM about at the endof the rope. I had doctor appointment Monday, then went to the Court to see what I could learn about my money being seized … turns out I was supposed to be there for a hearing, earlier. For some unknown reason, all of my mail is being returned, even though I filed a confirmed change of address. And I had shown up for the initial meeting when I was sued by the creditor, explained my situation and that I had no income except for the disability. That happened the same day I had to be in Court later to get thrown out, with no place to go and no real funds. Once I was able to access the case, I went on-line to see what has happened. From what I can tell, funds were taken even before the creditor had answers … though the Court records showed I’d been there to the meeting (hearing). I tried to work with all the creditors and have effectively been a hostage for the four years before being thrown out. I called and met with reputable credit counselor well before finances were as terrible as they have gotten. I knew we couldn’t afford attorneys for the divorce and told the Court so … but I was forced to hire one; especially as the first thing his attorney did was file for an “emergency custody change” on accusing me of abusing our 17 year old … it wouldn’t matter what the truth was, then any more than now … as the whole thing was done to get me out, immediately, no matter the cost or consequences to me.

Sure, I am angry … I’ve been locked up several times under false pretenses, misdiagnosed with diseases I never had, had to pay for “treatment” for said diseases, have been deprived of children and assets … even a place to stay, twice before this time …. and have physical and very painful side effects that are likely going to last the rest of my life, from treatment I didn’t need. I was forced to come back to a relationship under what I now know were false pretenses, designed ONLY to protect his access to funds …

… it makes me angry to listen to a “victim’s advocate” (more than one) to tell me to “get on with my life” … a life that has been taken, even more than once … and I am supposed to start again, less than zero … and it turns out that all these “professionals” were wrong … “mistakes” continue, yet I (and my daughters) are the only ones who get to be accountable for the consequences of others’ “mistakes”.

Last night, I learned my account was -$25. Today, it was -$65. I won’t have money for two more weeks and none of this months bills are paid except the rent. There’s snow and tonight the wind chill down to the -20s, so I can’t even go look for cans. My phone has no minutes … sort of hard to hope to get a job, especially since that money will only get taken … and the car insurance DIDN’T get paid. In fact, a subscription I had made to try to get some legal information (and which was cancelled, per the representative months ago – I found the e-mail) has been getting charged. I feel sick and there is NOWHERE to turn.

On therapy … I had actually stopped going for about 2 years, until all this blew up with the affair with the nurse and the divorce being filed. I don’t have a problem with the therapist; it is actually difficult to find a good, knowledgeable one (in my experience). But there are things that therapy can’t really help with … and I think there are some problems that we are not meant to “cope” with. There have to be other actions as well as going to therapy, if there is going to be any change for the better. I am only one human and I have been doing everything I can, know how to do and have been forced or taken the initiative to try to deal with things I DON’T know … like repairing my car, finding ways to scrape up extra money when not having reliable transportation or gas money.

People tell me “he’ll get his” one day … like how is that supposed to help? I am not interested in revenge or hurting others … when I knew that he was not interested in reconciling or facing himself/problem, I merely wanted to get on with my life, but in a rational fashion, not being thrown out on demand. That is not unreasonable. Whether his intent is malicious or merely irresponsible (don’t know that’s the right word) doesn’t really matter, the results of his actions … totally unnecessary actions … have seriously damaged my life, the lives of our daughters as we WILL have to deal with those damages likely for years to come.

I just feel as if I am being buried alive and it must all be kept “hush hush” to protect the gambling industry. THAT is what I am most angry about … and if the state (gov’t) wasn’t getting a cut of the profits, I am positive there’d be a much different perspective and actions … and I guess that is likely the case, no matter what country we live in. I’m not trying to politicize the matter, only to make sense of what is otherwise incomprehensible.

Mostly, I am just tired …. extremely tired and feel like I am being tortured, more or less. It doesn’t matter what I do or how hard and long I work; it’s to no avail.

Velvet, I am just glad of your reply. Lately, I have felt like I really don’t even exist, other than as something to squeeze a few more dollars out of … that makes me want to cry. I see the stuff that goes “viral” and I know I don’t have “the worst” problems, but they do hurt and there seems no way out. This is going to kill me, if it doesn’t somehow ease up … soon. I’ve run out of ideas … and hope. Like the lady from Gam-anon told me on the phone when I was first grappling, (but put a bit differently) it is like trying to build a house faster than it can be burnt down. I know that’s impossible, but “the system” is forcing me to at least try … or die … or be thrown away to try to survive on a night like tonight, in the snow and in the -20 temperature range. It’s more than I can handle and here, I’m alone.

[jenny46]

But in the face of such adversity you are still standing ! all be it with a fragility that must seem like it hangs in the balance quite frequently.

I sometimes get the impression that some people think that as the addiction has in a sense left our lives, that the turmoil it creates in many areas of our lives leaves with it – just like that.

It leaves a legacy, in my humble opinion of destruction, all the things that have happened to you seem to link back to someone else’s compulsive gambling, a not very nice person who chose to allow his addiction to thrive instead of having the guts to stand up to it despite the damage to others as well as its owner.

It is truly amazing that despite everything life has thrown at you that you are still carrying on and it has not beaten you, even if it sometimes feels that way, or maybe even most of the time.

It says a lot about you that you don’t want to seek revenge etc many people would, I think I’d be out for putting his head on a sharp stick – whether it achieved anything or not !!

You haven’t given up, you are still doing this, in the way that right now is the best or only option for you. All the counselling and venting in the world cannot solve practicalities but it helps to keep a clear head clear and look at different approaches to life’s problems.

You may not notice this yourself but I sensed more strength and resolve in your recent posts regardless of there being maybe not much change in your physical circumstances.

Please don’t give up now

Jenny

[twilight16]

Dear Dadda,

Hello, here is no question of the malice you have suffered from your ex cg. It is a miracle that you are functioning, and are surviving as well as you are, please do not give up this far along in your recovery.
You are a SURVIVOR in the highest form, don’t let others tell you otherwise, just keeping doing for you. The worst is behind you, unfortunately you will continue to deal with the aftermath of you ex cg until it stops. However, take refuge in knowing it will end.
I can only comment about a cg in denial like your ex, not the ones on this site or any other seeking recovery, the ones in denial are the majority of the cg in the world. Never admitting to their gambling problem or the havoc they are causing their families, as you know my father is one of them.
I do believe a cg in denial, when pushed by the addiction to get money, enablement, will without question engage in malicious behavior, becoming dangerous to be around, with their threats and aggression.
I am sure there are women who have not only been verbally abused by their cg which we read countless times here, but have been physically abused. My father held his hand up to me when he didn’t like what I said; he knew I wasn’t going to give in, this was enough for me to be scared and to believe he had it in him to strike me. Many may say but he didn’t, but I was holding my daughter, so who knows. He may have if it was just me. It is a blessing that you are out of the marriage.
The good news is time does heal all wounds. When I accepted the wrongs that were done to me, which I will admit took awhile. I was on my way to a better life. In the process I forgave myself, often times blaming myself for not seeing what was really happening.
This is your time to create your new life, don’t try to correct the system anymore, it is truly futile, the lack of support for families of cg is truly a cry, or waste too much time dwelling in the injustices of the gambling system. You want out of that life, you should tell yourself I don’t want to be connected to anything that is linked to gambling. Honestly I avoid it like the plague. I limit my time here, I am done with my recovery, but when I read about someone struggling like you, it hits home.
Just remember you are never alone, you have your daughters to be thankful for and God, aka your higher power. At the end of my recovery when I was dealing with the craziness of my father, the law, his obvious demise I let it go. I let God handle it. Just believe your break is not too far away, because you keep on chipping away.

Twilight

[dadda]

Jenny, thank you. I missed several weeks after my reply to Velvet. I’m sort of afraid, because of all the repercussions that have sort of jumped at me out of the blue (not to mention the intentional ones MEANT to hurt or punish me, by people I cared about) certainly, but mostly because I am so darn tired. Not the tired when you don’t get enough rest, it’s the tiredness that is the result of everything that you do and try being useless.

I need to look into and FIND support group (in person) again. Unfortunately, since gambling is a politically regulated and permitted activity, it’s sort of hard to discuss it without any mention of same. It’s just very hard to believe that all of the things that have happened as a result of CG is even possible.

I’ve gone about a month without going to therapy. At least reassures me I’m not “crazy” or any of that … not that I have believed that for the longest time. Missed last appointment because mix-up of days … I find all this turmoil and stuff really messes up my attention and other mental faculties. Going to make an appointment again, though …

I guess it just strikes me that EVERYTHING (in the case at least of those who’ve married and have children with CG) is in someone else’s “court”. Even though that court is out of control and headed full on for destruction at whatever point … unless the problem IS recognized early enough to be able to take protective and assertive actions.

Your words helped me; strength and blessing I found in them. I think right now the hardest thing is trying to make sense from a “faith” standpoint. My faith is not mature enough to understand/withstand the fact that even God above is not smiling on my attempts … I can tell myself there is reason, I just can’t find it or feel secure.

No, I don’t want revenge … in past I’ve done plenty of stupid or merely thoughtless (or haven’t done) things that have had adverse impact on others … sometimes the consequences of our actions are quite unforseeable … or things that might have gotten me killed or whatever. I learned from it, though and was thankful for the mercy (maybe it was just delayed consequences LOL). I’m not enjoying any of this and honestly wish and hoped someone would have seen the reality and put an end to his destructive non-sense instead of the Court merely a tool and weapon for more. But yeah, when I am in a neutral head space, and when I have talked with my daughters in past, I have told them their father wouldn’t talk or behave as he has/does if he was in his right mind. I’m not giving it a “pass” or saying they (or I or anyone) should “accept” such behavior or talk. I’ve had my moments where it hits me that if I hadn’t taken him to the hospital with his heart attack or pointed out the spot of gangrene on his foot that all of his good “friends” missed … things would be different. But then, so should I. I’ve done enough (wrong) to know I’m not “noble”. But I made the right choice(s) and never have to doubt that!

[dadda]

Thank you, too Twilight. It was well after I made my decision to refuse to be put out of the house when he filed for the divorce that I found this site. I didn’t even know about the problem, then and that it had been affecting me and our children adversely for many or most of the years.

I must say, though, that your words are what really strengthened my resolve … your words about your parent’s divorce and your subsequent experiences. Since our daughters’ custody was granted to him in the last divorce (and he retained almost all of our assets) I certainly feared that if I got up and just left (the most sensible thing, in the circumstances), one or both of our daughters would pay the price. I’d come back (hoping for the best, of course) because I realized that adults should be the strong ones in their children’s lives. I have no concept of what would follow that first divorce; I thought he just didn’t love me and was at least half convinced then that I was crazy. It was horrible to learn that our daughters were steeped in a history that “mommy deserted you” and many other negative things as a result of my doing what I thought best in light of the fact he wanted a divorce back then and was threatening to have me involuntarily commited (especially knowing as I do now that I suffered shock, panic and exhaustion from a heavy load of responsibility for too long) to protect his status quo and access to resources.

Both you and Jenny have strengthened me, but I hear your words differently because of the fact that I know my daughters can’t “appreciate” a lot and hopefully, that is because of my being able to make contact with people here and some others who are either wise or understanding.

I’m glad that you made the point about CGs in denial. I have a great deal of admiration for those in recovery; this one (gambling) sucks because it is one of the few “problems” that is socially (and obviously politically) approved of to indulge in … it has to suck to walk into a store and have the clerk “suggest sell” a lottery ticket when you are trying/have quit and find such suggestions on the state sight to “maximize product”. And so on. But it becomes difficult to speak genuinely about my circumstances without sounding like I am condemning all/being negative about all CGs.

It’s not even them (CGs)… I figure people should be free to do as they like as long as they are not hurting others … all the destruction and malice has been largely or completely preventable … just that the powers who profit don’t want to acknowledge and deal with the collateral damage as you point out. I don’t like being under the control of a person or government that DOES NOT have my interests and well-being (and certainly not of children affected, mine and others) in their mind OR their practices; it is injustice and I will leave it at that.

I have a quite weird sense of humor/perspective and have been thinking … maybe I can make a perverse “loser” poster to place on my car, modeled after the pictures of winners on the state lottery site or the retailers, with a big check of costs … to at least raise awareness. When I walked through town in a sandwich board in the summer, people actually did stop me and ask questions and so I was able to discuss the issue, rationally. I could put together a one page tri-fold with information as well as resources to hand out, as well. For the time at least, it may help me and maybe it will help someone else as well. I have no thoughts of changing the world/system … I’m not sure where I want or hope my life to head (yet). With so many new perspectives and experiences, I realize life can never be “the same” as before and that demands difference in me. I can pretty much guarantee that if I were suddenly lifted out of this muck and was able to (truly) rest and merely live and work, I’d figure it out and make a constructive go of it, as well as a satisfying one :-).

“It’s just the situation”

I too hope for a better break and soon … will have to update soon … but it is not necessarily true that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Sometimes it merely prolongs the agony!

at least I can say that with a somewhat smile. And a heartfelt “thank you”. I am glad that I read of your experiences and “spoken” with you here; especially glad to hear the positives of future days through recovery. For my daughters, for me, for everyone who is dealing with this from the places we are, here on this forum.

[madge456]

I have been following your posts and while I am in no real position to give advice, i can relate to the chaos that seems apparent in your posts. My story is buried in the F&F forum but briefly my CG is also Bipolar, sex addict, ADHD and narcoleptic. He has lied to me, been inappropriate sexually with me, hidden money, lost money, leant money to fellow CG’s which of course never returned, etc, etc.

So when you speak of chaos, I understand. I of course, like so many of the F&F on this site, was initially blaming myself, trying to “fix him”, always looking to help him so that our life would be better.

Fast forward to 7 years later. I no longer try and “fix” him. I ended up throwing him out of the house because his behavior got to be just too much. He ended up finally getting the help he needed but as far as I am concern he is on probation. I do not trust him. The only way he was allowed back in the house was to agree to put a GPS tracker on his phone, attend therapy and group therapy, attend SA and GA, and be religious about his meds.

I say all this to try and get across that you are not alone. I used to wonder if I was the only human on earth that lived in the crazy world that I did, but after being on this site, I realized I was not alone.

As twightlight says, you are survivor and should feel really good about protecting yourself. The best thing I ever did was let go of my CG. Once I STOPPED worrying about him (and everything else, actually) I was able to finally focus on me; my recovery. I look at as not selfish but more self-preservation.

I have always been one of those moms who said “I have bent so far over for my kids that I am in a circle”. While I still take care of my kids, I now am able to say NO to them. To give myself some time to do what I need (go to gym, doctors appointments, etc). I never did that before. And it feels good.

Despite how horrible you may feel, I can assure you others have felt that way (I have felt that way) and when I thought i would never survive, I did! It got better. I don’t know what my future holds for me or my CG, but I know what I want and what I need to do for myself.

Do something good for yourself. Take a step back, take a deep breath and know you have survived.

We are all here for you…
Sending you love across the miles
Madge
xoxo

[dadda]

I’m so tired. I found my way back here and actually remembered password and everything to get on here. I read posts from other people who are just discovering the problem and trying to figure out what they CAN do and what “works” for them, from those “choices”.

I suppose the one bright spot in life is that overall, my young adult daughters are doing well. My youngest (now nearly 23) had her credit ruined, but she texted me last evening that she has disputed the charges ($12k) and they are removed. I haven’t yet had a chance to check with her is this is permanent removal OR just temporary, as the dispute is “active”.

My “situation” at present:

I can’t legally drive. I got a ticket shortly after I was evicted from the house and could not go to court. I learned from on-line records that the post office returned the mail sent to me from the court (despite having a forward order with the post office that was confirmed). I got the ticket for a dragging tail pipe (which I had to keep tying up) and for having no “proof” of insurance (which I had insurance in force at all times). And actually, CG had the insurance forwarded to the nurse’s house, even though he was no longer on the policy. I was finally able to find all the paperwork I needed, have gas money to get to the court and went over there. I was “thrown out” under the threat of being arrested if I didn’t leave, when I tried to explain/ask for hearing. They told me I can “deal with the collection agency”.

I had my bank account seized twice, unlawfully. I have disability income – from PTSD, which started as a result of brother-in-law hiding in our house and snatching my daughters, when they were five and six (1998). It took HOURS of research to get INFORMATION as to how this is “possible”. Turns out that (my disability was deposited to savings) when I transferred money from savings to checking account, it became vulnerable to seizure, as U.S. banks are only “required” to research/report on ONE account. So I ended up having to close savings account.

I researched into bankruptcy; it costs about $399 JUST to file the papers. I don’t want to file for bankruptcy, BUT if I get a job that pays over $150 a month or so, I will just be subject to garnishment/seizure again. There is nothing like the feeling of having no gas in the car and all of a sudden, having absolutely no money available when you should.

I am also only quoting the amount of filing fees; I am not even sure if the original creditors are the creditors I would have to file or if I would need to discover who owns the “notes” (ie credit agencies that buys them from original creditors). SO that would be more hours of research.

I have (now) effectively worked the last 20 years or so for less than nothing and am forced to start over again (if ever that day comes). In order to start over, I am going to be forced to throw more money that I don’t have at the government that is benefiting from all the gambling and refusing to listen to or investigate what family members have to say.

Last summer, I ended up having to go to emergency room twice, for dental infections. The second time, I asked to speak with social worker, who gave me list of useless “resources” for dental care. However, more research and I trotted back to hospital social work department as I learned of dentists who will treat for community service, etc. Is hard for me to believe FIRST worker knew nothing and if I did not persist … well, I ended up having to have about 9 teeth taken out. I was supposed to get the rest cleaned etc, but was running about 10 minutes late, and they discharged me. Is my fault, although honestly, I don’t even know what day it is half the time. My sleep is all screwed up, concentration sucks and it nearly kills me that if this was happening to someone else, I could help them. But anyway, I am getting pain again. I don’t qualify for any of the medicaid services for the poor; being responsible means even my disability income puts me above the “poverty level” used for services, though it doesn’t allow for things like getting hair cut, eye exams and stuff …

In November, the lease for this place was up. My daughter moved out, so I tried to rent a less expensive place. There was a vacancy in a rental of the lady who had previously rented to my daughter and I met with her (again; I had previously gone with my daughter and explained about the dings to her credit). I had to pull the copy of my credit and so on … she left me a message that the “numbers just don’t work” for her. She didn’t reply to an e-mail in which I tried to find out what “might” work (make it possible). So, for the last seven months, I have been paying the rent – an extra $140 monthly – here and trying to figure out HOW I might be able to do something differently when the lease is again up. Have to say, on one hand, I was actually relieved with the “no” as the thought of having to go through moving again … is daunting … another reminder of gad awfully tired I am, to the bone. And ha ha … I CAN’T rent a truck to move anything large …

About the time I tried to move, I went to Salvation Army and met with a case worker. I’ve tried to explain to people about the PTSD and how it affects my concentration, etc … and that it would be a great help if I can find someone to help me keep this situations straight, maybe spend some time looking for resources or information etc I might not be aware of. I ended up e-mailing her per our agreement; she never responded. Pretty crushing to lay out some of these things for nothing.

They are going to open a casino here soon, a tribal one. All one hears about are the “community benefits”. I contacted a man who heads up an opposing group and e-mailed him, last September or so. He had a former CG slated to speak at one of their meetings, so I thought there might be some interest in how family members are affected. He did write back initially, but a second e-mail after I learned of my driver’s license suspension etc went unanswered.

I still get cans, etc, but it merely “gets me through” the month; nothing extra and nothing to write home about … it provides me some extra money that I DON’T have to worry about getting seized/taken away from me. If it wasn’t so labor intensive, I might have some time and peace of mind to do the research and other stuff to climb out of the hole that I didn’t dig.

It’s really hard, as I can’t help but THINK … and I have nothing interesting or consuming to focus my mental efforts towards; I am “above average” intelligence, so I spend a lot of time either outraged or “in (emotional) shock”, neither of which is productive, but can’t be willed away. I can’t help but think … how if I was in jail or prison (and I am in a “virtual” prison), I would get dental care. I didn’t even go to the emergency room until the antibiotics I was taking weren’t working at all and I couldn’t take the pain anymore. How prisoners could not be subjected to some of the “cruel and unusual” crap I have to take as a matter of course.

I can’t help but wonder, sometimes, if my daughters would be doing as well if I had left and looked after my finances. Since the CG threatened me AND since I had been subjected to legal threats by his attorney, etc, I don’t doubt that he could still have screwed things up to an extent, but I am pretty sure the financial damages couldn’t have gotten this bad. However, I know for fact that my children were brought up being told that I “deserted” them , that I was going to kill them, etc, etc (plus that I have paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar, neither of which I have or ever did). When I CAME BACK, it was FOR THEM. I had thought, previously, that the “state” might not know who was telling the truth, etc. When It became obvious to me that he was abusive to them, as well as to me, and that it was NOT just a matter or “me being crazy” (as I had feared, and had actually left to spare them if that was the case), I took action, even though it landed me in jail briefly and so on. I still THINK and BELIEVE that I did the right thing; I believe that even though I “look like a failure” that my children, having seen and been exposed to their father’s lies and actions (and which I would have spared them, had I been in a position of choice), that actually has been helpful to them in ways that maybe aren’t measurable.

But yeah, I am exhausted and frustrated. The smartest choice seems to commit some crimes, because the progress I make “doing the right thing”isn’t enough. I’d have more “rights” and resources if I got caught, and benefits if I didn’t. I’m just saying that as observation … because I also learned that about a month after I was evicted, ex-mother-in-law was trotted into an attorneys to create a trust for her property, etc … and then into nursing home. I ran into someone who knows her pretty well, who was telling me about some pretty clear signs of dementia that had been going on at least a year prior. Which would make a trust creation invalid, but only if “caught” by authorities. And not much chance of that …

Anyway, I am puzzled as to why agencies that are opposed to gambling/expansion are not interested at all at the effects on family members. Are they just interested in maintaining their existence, not really addressing the problems? I know my reading revealed that less than 10% of CG get treatment; my experience reveals that most “professionals” and “authorities” don’t have a clue. Plus, I have found news stories (including legal blogs) about gamblers who have sued casinos on the theory that they were impaired or had a self-exclusion, etc (they never win). Basically, what I have “learned” is that even (hah, especially) casinos CAN’T identify “CG” though they seem to pretty good about spotting those who they can get lots of money from. Another thing I am learning is that they throw money to the agencies that otherwise might be looking into it (gambling) as the CAUSE of the problems that they are designed to alleviate. Like here, the casino is giving money to the Boys and Girls club and other (similar) social agencies. The state domestic violence agency gets donations from the casinos (and it is well -and peer reviewed – researched that CG contributes to family discord/breakdown/violence) and the CASA (Court appointed special advocate; for children) did a fundraiser “A Night at the Casino”. It is stuff like that that gets my blood boiling; the court VERY mistakenly awarded custody of my daughters TO the CG; there seems to be no mechanism to enlighten them either, as to their “error” to prevent it happening to others. That’s a bit of a rant …. but yeah, a problem can’t be solved if it is actively ignored and played down, in other words, it doesn’t exist. The Congresswoman for my district, through her aide, informed me that “ALL THIS” is MY “legal problem”. NO, it is not! Knowledge is supposed to be power … but in this situation, all the knowledge I’ve gained has merely helped me to understand how and why things went down the way they did. Knowledge has not informed me how to move forward more effectively or even cope with what is, in actuality, a load of TOTALLY PREVENTABLE problems dumped into what used to be a life … mine.

[dadda]

My daughter (the youngest, who had her credit ruined) texted me the other day to tell me that $12,000 bills were removed from her credit. I was cautious at first, as I know that items may disappear while a dispute is in process, but she stopped by today and told me (and insisted to show me) that they were permanently removed. Haha, she told me I should dispute my bills. I explained to her that wouldn’t be right, because (and yes, even though most of them stem from my having to hire attorneys just to see them, in past, and to protect us more recently) integrity is important. Where she has a “moral right” as she was still in high school, our dependent … and the court recognizes a duty to support children attending college (though “of course” creditors don’t have to respect those court orders … but they give credence to orders of judgment and no rest to the weary!)

Okay, I know nobody responded back yet but I encouraged myself in writing to others and reading their posts and of course the good news helps. Have you ever been in a situation where something was going on or being discussed and you are kind of waiting for (and of course, hoping) someone else to take the lead and address something? Just a general example, I was in (nursing) school and one of the students was complaining and criticizing the instructor, for putting questions on our exams “from the supplemental text”. I couldn’t take it and nobody else spoke up (and I am shaking every time because I hate it) I addressed the fact that we were going to be responsible for people’s LIVES and therefore, should know as much as possible and know it well. To me, it was sort of a no-brainer? Would any or have any of you felt like that in a situation and speak up or take action, even if it didn’t really change anything? There’s more, but I am still sorting some if it out and would also like to know about other people’s experiences, or if other people spoke up/acted, but you would have otherwise. Thanks!

[dadda]

I was reading some more threads here and read also the F & F cycle; I suppose I should have known “something” was going on and actually did, but at the time I figured out “something” was wrong (I had picked up the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and was identifying that as “my” experience), I was making plans to leave if necessary but did not (really) know where the problem was originating from. I used to work in a store, when the California Lottery started. I sold a LOT of tickets and maybe that is where I got the idea that gambling is pretty boring and a waste of money. When you sell people a hundred tickets and they only get a few wins, over and over, it doesn’t seem very attractive, or entertaining. I don’t think I have EVER bought a scratch ticket and probably about $10 or $15 dollars worth of Lotto drawing tickets over the last 30 years. I popped a set number of nickels and dimes into machines the two or three times I’ve ever been to Las Vegas. The first time I went was with my roommate, to “check it out”. The other times with my husband; to get married the first time and the second, I met up with him after he went to visit some high school friends.

Recently, it’s hit me that we likely would still be married if I had just gone out and had affair and “minded my own business” and let him do his thing.

When I look back at the fact that I had a breakdown after three months of terrorization (mostly by CG and his brother, also helped by his mother), it blows me away. On one hand, not so much, as I had been going to therapy. It had helped to the point where I had become more assertive and recognized that “I” couldn’t be the one making all accommodations, being understanding and so forth (there were health issues with CG ex and his father, so I was always requested to be exercising “restraint”). That did not work out, as apparently my new assertiveness (and the fact that I had tried to leave, once before, after a major fight over “nothing”) was seen as “threat” and steps were taken to not only make me seem a lunatic, but a criminal or potential criminal.

Anyway, back when I was selling all those tickets in California, I never heard a word about gambling addiction … and even looking, there is still very little being talked about. Yet I can find enough in the news about the destruction and damage visited upon those that don’t share the addiction.

There is now a tribal casino that is going to be opened here soon. There are some objections, but the main things I hear about are “community benefits” and “jobs”. I even contacted someone who is opposed to the casino and detailed some of my struggles, past and current. He had a former CG speak at one of their meetings, but didn’t seem too interested in what I have gone through or the struggles I have (still) no idea how to move past and overcome.

I guess THAT remains one of my biggest frustrations. When I stood up and said, “I’ll stick with you, if you face this,” he made his decision. I could live with that. What I can’t “live with” is the FACT that it has been SO EASY for him to get past court orders, etc and I am left with the struggles, the possibility of losing car and so on … the GOVERNMENT being the enabler.

I can’t find any stories in the news about the problems faced by the family members …and NOBODY is even bringing up the subject, in terms of this new casino opening up.

More and more, I come to feel like I don’t exist, as I can be so easily brushed aside and (even) told “it’s your (my) problem”. I think of all the sacrifices I have made, without even realizing that much of the financial losses were due to gambling, NOT as I thought, the idiotic court battles. I think of month after month of busting my butt JUST to get through the month, and that just barely and the anger threatens to take hold.

I remember reading that casinos could NEVER turn a profit, if they ONLY had non-CG customers … and fact is that our government runs gambling, and also “runs over” family members, leaving them to “bleed and die”, quite often, alone and without even the comfort of a caring person to hold their hand.

I don’t reach out to others much, not much positive to report, most every day being just an exercise in “endurance”.

It blows my mind … if an accident on a roller coaster (whatever) happens, it makes the news. But have something outrageous and TOTALLY PREVENTABLE (the damages) happen for some 20 years, now, nobody wants to hear about it, look into it and God forbid it should receive any attention. I’M the one with “the problem”? NO. I know better, now. Too bad it doesn’t matter …

[dadda]

I’ve gotten used to being blown off and ignored. Actually ironic; I only came on here tonight because my computer is (and has been) all screwed up. Can’t reinstall operating system because ex and his brother got my install discs, like nearly everything else I owned or worked for.SO I installed a different OS to another part of the computer and can’t get my passwords to import. Needed to pay a bill … every little thing, for so long, has been an ordeal.

I’m angry and irritable because I am and have been exhausted for WAY TOO LONG. I called the suicide hotline a while back and ended getting hung up on. NO I don’t WANT to die, but I have no desire to get up to face another day where I don’t exist, unless someone wants money. Where the whole day is an unnecessary and unjust struggle and leads nowhere, anyway.

[velvet]

Hi Dadda
I am sorry you are feeling ignored.
It might be that some members don’t know what to write to you because as I explained to you before discussion on legal disputes, the American legal system and PTSD are not within the remit of this site. This forum is about supporting those who are living with the unacceptable behaviour that comes from the addiction to gamble – standing up and taking action may possibly come much later when full recovery has taken place. Some of the people to whom you have posted will never respond as they no longer need the support offered here, they are not ignoring you but they are living their lives out of the shadow of the addiction and have no need to visit this forum; other members may not have read your posts yet. F&F can and do recover from the addiction to gamble so this forum is usually only used for a relatively short period in which to gain knowledge and the tools to cope – what members do with that knowledge is down to the individual but generally any reports we get back are positive.
This site understands it’s responsibility to people’s lives, the staff know as much as possible about their subject and know it well, speaking up and taking action is being tackled by them every day.
I appreciate that what I am saying is not giving you the answers that you want and for that I apologise. It is terrible that there is not enough knowledge being publicised so that people can protect themselves from the addiction to gamble and we can only hope things will change in the future but I’m afraid I cannot help you with most of the situations that you are describing, and the rebuffs you are receiving.
I can’t remember what your experience was with Gamanon but in my opinion it is good to physically share with others who are experiencing the same nightmare – the things that are particular to the area in which you live. I believe that counsellors and therapists can support but that not all of them are as clued up as they need to be – but if this is the case then it is best to change to another, likewise if the Gamanon group you first try is not offering you what you want, try another.
Sadly there will never be a day when someone doesn’t want money and unjust struggles are not common. I understand your frustration but I still hear a lot of anger in your posts which leads me to feel you are not looking after yourself first.
You are being heard Dadda – take care of ‘you’.
Velvet

[LostandDespair]

I only have a few short minutes and just wanted to let you know Dadda that I read your heartbreaking story, hugs to you. It is astounding what destruction the CG can cause and just by reading your story I can tell what a strong person you are even if you don’t always feel like you are.

[dadda]

First, I just want to say that I am not expecting anyone to give me any legal (or treatment) advice. I’m saying that in a completely non-emotional way, because I know there are differences in national (and even here, state) laws and procedures. Also, as I well know, here is the U.S., people can get in trouble for “practicing without a license” both law and medicine.

Mostly, I am just writing what is or has been going on and responses to the events. I think Velvet, a while back you said something to me about doing too much research. I could go back and find it, but what I do want to say is this: when I was married and the CG filed for the divorce the first time (1998), he had the divorce papers filled out a month before he filed them. He filed them after having forced me to a mental hospital for being “homicidal” (I remember he said “you used the word” – kill – and thereby justified his actions. I had walked into MY house and the pastor (of the church we were both members of) was there, supposedly for “safe passage”. I was going to pick up some things and stay at a friend’s house with my daughters for a few days. I’d already made arrangements. I had called the police several times for a “stand-by” but they kept putting me off, telling me it would be several hours. I was tired and my daughters were supposed to be in school the next day. We had been separated by police a couple days before (after arguing in public; I had told him I wasn’t driving back home if he was going to continue yelling at me) and I had not been home since. When I walked back into my house the first time since the argument, I first handed my (ex)husband and the pastor a drink; I had bought them on the way back to the house. There were no vehicles in the drive to warn me that anyone else might be there. All of a sudden, my (ex)husband’s brother came “swooping” out of hiding in the kitchen, grabbed our daughters and took off out the front door. I walked into the kitchen and realized the phone was GONE and simultaneously realized I was out “in the middle of nowhere” with three guys who very obviously DID NOT have my “best interests” in mind. I guess it was instinctive, to give my mind a moment, because the pastor and (ex) were in front of me; I grabbed a picture off the wall, smashed it on the floor and told the pastor, “someone ought to kill you”. It was purely metaphorical (statement) but I felt utterly betrayed as well as scared. They could have killed me and nobody would even have known. Anyway, the next three months resulted in terrorization that culminated in my having a breakdown, followed by five years of being misdiagnosed.

I actually had to do a lot of research or I might still be “back where I was” and maybe not even knowing about the gambling. I might be taking little pills for a “disease” I didn’t have.

That shocks me and sometimes even can cause me to “fall back” into emotional shock, as can the realization that HAD I KNOWN, when I was being dragged into court, time and time again after we were divorced, that the day (ex) was supposed to be in court, he was ACTUALLY in an out of state casino, I WOULD NEVER have HAD to go back to be able to spend time with my children on a regular basis. I went back because I figured that if I was being affected by all the stress (and which I hadn’t anticipated, when I gave him the divorce he so obviously wanted), it HAD to be harder for our children. I didn’t know about the gambling then, and didn’t learn about it until after he filed for divorce, about 5 years after I returned. That causes me a great deal of grief, as I had redeveloped a career and I had to handle situations (even without the knowledge of gambling) that should not have been going on, because I realized I couldn’t “trust the system”.

Had I not done all the research, I wouldn’t have “figured things out”. I KNOW that what you said wasn’t meant as a “slam” or negatively, Velvet. 🙂

I had hoped, when I did find out about the gambling, that he would choose to face himself. I come from a faith basis and I told him “God didn’t bring us this far to drop us off a cliff”. I also didn’t think that I needed to “know” everything; I told him most of it was between him and God. Also that if we were both right with Him and with one another, there was no problem we couldn’t get past. That it didn’t mean it would be easy, just that it would happen. I also don’t know that I would have come back (same, as he had INSISTED that he loved me and WANTED to be married to me) in the same way, if it meant our daughters were going to go through this same betrayal, the divorce of their parents, all over again.

I honestly, during that first three months (of terrorization), didn’t understand WHAT was going on. It was years before I realized that I had (have) never experienced the CRUELTY I was subjected to those months. I was sent to a women’s shelter, where I kept being told “he is going to kill you” and I was terrified to spend ANY time in our house, because I was having horrible visual panic attacks that involved my ex and (our) friends taking me out to the woods behind the house and ripping my heart out of my body while I was still alive. The panic attacks were never diagnosed, I figured out what they were and learned to get through them on my own, but that took a long time.

I try to read others’ threads when I come on here (I know I’m not a “regular”) and it does help, but it is also disheartening. I recognize what they say, “having to be parent” to a spouse … I can remember when I met him, that was the ONLY thing that bothered me; he reminded me of “someone’s little brother” and I had grown up being the oldest and always held to account when my brothers went astray (I was the oldest, supposed to set a good example … haha … I can remember always wondering WHERE I was supposed to get this for my own use!).

There actually aren’t any Gam-anon meetings within 100 miles of where I am. I have called their lines in past a couple times, even so, it is hard to get hold of anyone. However, one of the things that sticks with me is the woman who I talked with who told me that if someone addicted to drugs spent and used what CGs do, they’d be dead. Sometimes it hits me that if I hadn’t pointed out that (new) spot of gangrene on his foot, that his girlfriend nurse had obviously missed … he might be dead and I (and our daughters) might not have had to again go through unrelieved hell. I can’t help but wonder if it would have been “wiser” to have just gotten out and explained to my daughters later. But I truly believe, having read so much here and what I know, that very likely, my daughters would be paying daddy’s bills today, doing his housework and so on …. they are on their one, one married and both with good, career oriented jobs. They have seen some of the wrongs that CG leads to, coming from their father and (one more so than the other) we have had some discussions as a result. I can’t tell them what to do, but they have some warnings and can make decisions without being under either of our thumbs … which to me is “how it should be”. My own view of parenting is that a parent is responsible to raise their child(ren) to be able to navigate through adulthood successfully; whether they then choose to or not is up to them. By the same token, I realize, especially now, that disordered parents will not, they will foster false dependencies and use emotional strategies to fill their own needs, in an unhealthy way.

[dadda]

I want to sat that I appreciate both your responses. I feel so lost and alone. What REALLY hurts is the knowledge that “I didn’t do anything wrong” and yet, almost six years AFTER he filed for divorce, I can’t even get my feet back on solid ground (have you ever heard that victims are often revictimized? It seems true and it’s horrendous when it is “the system” – who is getting benefit of the gambling proceeds – doing the revictimizing!). My (ex) and his brother managed to even make profit while I struggle, month after month, just to get through. The other night, I was almost attacked and I know that for fact. I’ve been angry since, because NO i would not be out at night collecting cans, especially “on the wrong side of town” but other than committing crimes, I can’t think of any other ways to get some money that isn’t in danger of being confiscated. I’m angry at myself, for being human, rather than just being able to get cans forever until I have enough to get out of this mess. Then, on the few occasions that I have to catch up with “news” I read about the new casino and NOT A WORD about how family is affected … but the same council JUST outlawed all public smoking even in bars (BUT NOT CASINOS) because of the dangers TO OTHERS. I know it’s hypocrisy. And yes, I guess I think to myself that “I’m not the only one” but I sometimes can’t help but wonder where the others – affected like me – are. I know some are on here, posting, from all across the world. I just found an article that this state is in 50th (of 50) place for addressing CG. Sometimes I figure the pain and all else will be worth it if I can EVER get someone to listen. I don’t know what else to do??? As for taking care of myself, NO … I can’t. I don’t have the luxuries of time, peace of mind and money. It’s been about five years since I had a hair cut or been able to get glasses (and my old one are lost). Because I WAS (and am) “responsible” I don’t qualify for “help” and I should not be on disability; I mean that I should be able to get off it. But how, when I don’t have the space to figure out a way to get a decent job, unjeopardized by all the unnecessary financial devastation.

One of the things I found out (rediscovered) was that I was put through extensive batteries of intelligence and mental tests as a child; I was then sent to a school for gifted. That’s helped explain to me the “need” to figure out what’s going on. look for solutions and even fuels my need to find someone to help put this “out there”. I recognize that fraud IS a crime, and while I don’t ever expect to see any of my own assets again, it galls me that (ex)cg and his brother (indications he may also have problems) were able to commit fraud, assisted by the courts. I’m certain that my daughters, despite doing well, still have “baggage” that will need dealt with sometime. But for these two people to make a profit, criminally, while we have suffered the injustices … I can’t take that. I realize that I might not be able to do anything, but I can try, WHEN I can. I’ve taken to watching a lot of crime tv, when I’m stripping wires or whatever, to make income and I find parallels. I also get some courage and fortitude from learning that there ARE people who care and have resources to do what I can’t, from my position. And if ever I can just find one of those, it may be that could help all of us, including CGs because as I have read, the industry COULD NOT be profitable, without them … and of course, the assets that they pump into it, which are not their own. Not asking for help on that either, though if anyone wants to cheer on my efforts, that’d be great for morale!

Mostly, I don’t EVER want to be so bottled up that I make my daughters feel responsible for the problems that have come about through my exercising what I have seen as my duty as their parent, though I CAN honestly say that without children, I would never have gone back to an abusive partner, because that had ALWAYS been the end, previously. So if I come on here, I’m not thinking what to say in terms of looking for suggestions, because I see things are the same, though different degrees, in every country that has legalized gambling. I just can’t see, from the way my mind works, why “we” should be penalized and put under so many duties when we didn’t create the problems nor profit from them …. and no, I am not needing answers there. I already have that part pretty much figured out.

Yes, I was feeling ignored on one hand yet while realizing on the other that (here) it is holiday weekend, also that most other people have far more than their fair share to do. I figured I would just post anyway … and I did similar in therapy this week (and I only had fifteen minute session as I overslept) and just ranted … while realizing that it is ONLY because I am still l forced to “cope with” MORE THAN ONE PERSON can.

[velvet]

Hi Dadda

I believe that the best way to go forward is to leave the past behind but I appreciate that you feel that the past is affecting you today and will carry on affecting you tomorrow. I would imagine that all those who have had the addiction to gamble in their lives will have suffered financial loss and I know that lives are altered by the financial loss as well as the emotional. Gambling throws money away that is never to be seen again and no amount of ‘if onlys or what ifs’ will make a scrap of difference.
I believe that counselling, medication and/or time is the answer for your horrendous panic attacks – for me it was time and Gamanon where I spoke to those who understood my experience.
I appreciate that many people research into the things that have affected them and that that this is the way you are trying to deal with your situation –it is the path that I eventually took. The more I read your posts, however, the more I am wondering if the research you have gone into isn’t misleading you because in my view, your ex-husband’s gambling appears to be only part of his problem. We have a large CG community here who have accepted their addiction and whom I would imagine must struggle to see themselves in your posts – the violence and the sort of abuse you received is not usual. I am sure your CG cannot expect to get further enablement from you – enablement is usually the sole purpose for a CG to keep any sort of inter-active relationship alive and your relationship is over.
You have had words of thanks for your support in other threads so you are definitely not being ignored but your own thread makes for difficult reading and therefore replies are possibly less likely.
I am sincerely glad that you know that I am not trying to slam you or be negative – I am here only to support.
I don’t know if you have ever read the following words which are in the Gamanon handbook and which spoke to me when I was struggling for answers. Maybe they will help
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I really hope you will find your answers and find the peace of mind that you deserve.
Velvet

[dadda]

Hi, Velvet! First off, I want to say that I am merely GLAD that I can come on here and be honest, no matter the “stuff” that is roiling through my mind. I have recently had some pretty negative “venting” in therapy and although I don’t think venting is therapeutic, in some situations there isn’t much else one can do, at least for the moment.

I woke up wiped out today. Yesterday being the fifth, and I was still $2 short for making the rent. I “could” take out a payday loan, but then that is $30 more to get the $2 … suffice it to say, I finally was able to make the $2 and then a little extra, thankfully, because that is all the money until another week and a few days go by.

I want to reply a bit more, but need to get some things done. Nevertheless, I want to let you know I saw and appreciate your reply. Thanks!

[dadda]

So, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces of what used to be a life. I’m the one being punished and penalized, for someone else’s “habit” while they go on, having profited yet again, while leaving me stomped.

I got a notice from the court. The attorney who supposedly represented me in divorce is FORCING me to drive 40 miles (one way) on a suspended license because I have to show what assets I might have that she can seize. I got nothing in the divorce; my children and I even lost all of our possessions.

This is a double whammy for me, because the atty REFUSED to file anything to ensure the divorce decree was complied with. Between the hearing and the issuance of the decree, I discovered that he (ex) was in a casino when he was supposed to be in court (we were divorced at that time and he said I was abusing our children and needed restriction/supervision).

I’ve been plowing through, as I can, to figure out HOW to cope and solve the legal issues resulting from what has happened since I was thrown out of the house with nothing (his brother bought the house in a fraud, making them well over $100k profit).

Anyway, I’ve been figuring things out, but this really gets PTSD going again. I can’t help but think that if I had just given in to his DEMANDS, I wouldn’t be so badly off.

The “best” part is that I HAVE NOTHING; I am exempt. But apparently, I still have to waste my time, gas and take the risk of illegally driving … to satisfy the vulture attorney summons. The attorney made out already … and over 1/3 is finance charges … and the fees were supposed to come out of the sale of the house. But when I was trying to deal with the (engineered) foreclosure and my father dying, I was asked to sign a paper.

I suppose my solace will be looking the attorney in the face and saying, “Sorry; thanks to your efforts I have nothing attachable (four years post decree).” And then go on, facing forward.

[velvet]

Dear Daddda
I can hear the pain in your words but much as I want to give you solace I am stuck, as always, by the fact I cannot comment on US law or fraud or PTSD.
I went through a horrendous divorce years ago and I know what it is like not to have the law making the sense it should make – I too was left with nothing and three very small children.
It is only taking one day at a time that got me through and some days were much blacker than others.
Your court case and its outcome do seem to represent a miscarriage of justice and I had a similar experience but it still doesn’t make me qualified to give you the support that you so obviously need. Even saying ‘face forward’ doesn’t offer anything in practical support.
I sincerely hope you can now pick up the pieces and determine the way you want your life to go from now without interference from others.
Take care of yourself
Velvet

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