20 August 2014 at 9:58 pm #3438moniqueParticipant
I hope you find peace in your waking and your sleeping times. You have endured so much. I wish you the strength to pick up and keep going and also a better future.
Monique28 August 2014 at 1:06 am #3439
FIrst, I wanted to say that when I was on here last time, I read through San’s posts. I was going to say something, but sometimes I start freezing up even after I’ve written something out. And at first I felt like maybe there were a lot of differences, but as I read on in her posts, I saw where there were some areas where I could really relate and also learn from her. I liked, especially, what I read on the Conscious parenting, LOL. I wanted so much to be a good wife and mom and one of my first pictures with my oldest daughters is my giving her a “sponge bath”, with my reference book propped up by my side to make sure I was doing it right! But U have saved the links ’cause I want to learn more; I have learned some about the links between certain personality disorders and PG, or other often related pathogy. I’ve also been surprised to learn that many have PTSD; I had read that many members of the U.S. military were getting dishonorable discharges when their (misdiagnosed as something else first) PTSD showed up as “troublesome behavior”.
I guess the first thing that REALLY made me feel more in tune with San was when she wrote about her mother-in-law (ex, I think). I can remember with mine, being literally screamed at once and accused of trying to seduce HER husband. All that came about as a result of my getting a phone call from the hospital where he’d been admitted, the staff asked if I would come in and sit with him as he was agitated. I “forgot” to get permission from MIL FIRST … as I was apparently skulking around, just waiting for opportunity. I can remember that was one of those times (as I recognize now) I went into emotional shock. NOBODY had ever treated me like that before and made such baseless accusations, besides. I never got an apology, ex never stood up against his mother’s behavior, either. And though that is one of the most memorable events (as I do recognize she must have totally lost control of herself … or maybe not), there were others and as I learned, a lot of problem people like to hide in the shadows; they will never perform like that in public. I also heard plenty on the perfections (?) of her son … more or less though, I heard so much on how “he couldn’t handle the stress” … I actually believe that, now … but I attribute it more to his being babied and never encouraged to “be a man”.
Over the years, I came to realize that he put on a show for his parents, so that the conditional love tied to inheritance would be his. More sadly, though, I realized that since he was not encouraged to be genuine, he was almost always putting on a show – for me, for our children, for the police and mental health providers. I went into therapy, wondering why I could “be so blessed” but also so tired and not “satisfied”. Well, I did realize shortly into therapy (within a year) that I was EXPECTED to shoulder my responsibilities, whatever he “couldn’t” handle and accomodate others (what they couldn’t handle) and there was no encouragement to me, there was no realization that I am a human, with finite strengths and a NEED to be able to relax, express and grow.
I can remember before things got bad that I started looking at us, as a couple, and feeling like I was married to Peter Pan … and that we were nothing more than a couple of over-age adolescents, playing at marriage within the parameters ALLOWED by his parents. At one point, his mother told me directly that I was EXPECTED to “support” her son until his death … apparently, I made some pact that I was not given to read or agree to, it was going to be demanded of me.
I don’t have a lot of time to do so, but once in a while, I wonder what mental gymnastics are required to absolve her son of responsibility … he ran away, he had an affair, he refused to do the right thing by our children and me. Likely, it’s not much. When the house was sold recently in what is (obvious to me) fraud, the cousins of my daughters told them, via FB, that if they claimed to have “lost something” etc, they were going to be put in the same “book” as their mother (me). I’m a POS because I refused to go along with the family script … and the worst part (this time) is that I couldn’t leave and wasn’t even allowed to, until it’s to the point where “the judge kicks me out with nothing”.
I have a hard time seeing PG as “illness” because of the fact that I have been so terrorized and even broken down, and been forced to watch my daughters go through similar. I even learned, over time, that my presence and availability as “whipping boy” saved the children from being exposed so much, so it was a strong motivator to my returning. I would never have left, had I known that he had a major problem and I knew (after getting better and realizing I never WAS crazy, just wounded) that as an adult, I was likely to be be much better equipped to handle all this.
I appreciated San’s writing too because KNOWING what my daughters have been through and what we are all trying to get through … and so unfair, so wrong … it would be easy for me, even unwittingly, to go the wrong way and over-baby or overcompensate for what has happened. Like with my daughter not being able to pay all her rent; her father scared her out of the house last summer to further his own schemes. Having myself gone through a breakdown and knowing some of the (hidden) tactics, I can’t blame her … any more than be surprised that my reassurances from the sheriff’s department didn’t soothe my oldest … she packed up her car and left for 14 hours, just in case the police came … and this due to her uncle buying the house? How many young adult ladies go through such? I’ve helped to make sure she doesn’t end on the street; she is a student and so works part time, gets some aid but the situation has forced her to also take on loans JUST to pay living expenses. And as it was, she could have remained this past year … but I am sure that had to do with his keeping out of trouble in Court, as how could I pay all the rest of the expenses for her to live while her father refused ONE: the roof overhead. I’ve told her that while she is in school, she may live with me; I won’t expect a half contribution, but some as is appropriate. And I have told her that she can choose to remain on her own/have roommate, but is unlikely I will be able to give much more help, as I have all financial woes to figure out, too.
So still learning and still trying to keep in mind what is important to remember. I’m hated because I was willing to support and encourage recovery, but NOT be enabler … I know that would have killed me, literally or figuratively, in the end. I also haven’t been willing to put on a happy face to the world and pretend … all is hunky dory.
I have to go back to Court Friday … twice. One for a credit card bill I have no way to pay (over a year, now) and though I went to Consumer Credit Counselors and also tried explaining and trying to get creditors understanding, I had to give up because the late charges and interest, plus getting more expenses dumped while all Court orders for payment violated … and then go back in the afternoon regarding the eviction. Trying to muddle through this, when there is VERY little understanding on the part of people in the system. I did learn New York has one gambling Court, however. And found a whole list of people who study PG, so maybe some additional resources etc to be found. Very painful to see the relatives of the PG gang up and give us the consequences we didn’t earn, though.
BUT, I finally received an e-mail from the assistant to my state legislative representative, who finally acknowledges I have a “very unique” problem. I’ve been persistent, having figured out my major problem in seeing the divorce settlement orders carried out, has been that I have had NO standing. I’m not a “former owner” b/c of the quit claim, so I was refused a meeting in the foreclosure, which ex NEVER responded ONCE to … as I realized after the stress of that Court action was through … and despite his numerous filings and attorney letters … he wanted the house he wanted to KEEP the house. He could pay for the house, on and on. Plus, I realized that it must be pretty unusual for someone to rent a PO Box and not change their address, if they think they are NEVER returning there …
And finally, I’ve come to realize, as I was looking at mortgage papers recently (I made a $10k payment to the mortgage AFTER the quit claim AND there is a copy of the check and receipt in our previous divorce file), he may have his name on all, but I am the only one who has paid it down … he has used it as a piggy bank … that really should give me some standing, as the same loan officer, in a small company, has dealt with all … I asked him for a letter after the divorce was filed, because it was represented to him AND me that we were doing this together, but went with just one name on the mortgage because the interest rate was better. SUPPOSEDLY, we were going to change the deed. The loan officer refused …
At least someone “official” finally admits that yes, I am “up against the wall”. Yay!! I’m so glad Jennie (I hope I am remembering right – yay! I was) that you encouraged me NOT to give up. This has been so hard; one thing that keeps me going is that (faith, please no offense meant to any) I figure I can’t be the only one going through similar … and God is allowing it for a purpose … and my intelligence and sometimes articulate statement and writing might be a reason … to be able to bring a little more out, or at least to someone with the influence/power and character to realize how wrong, that family members can be destroyed, so to speak, and sometimes only because they had no reasons to mistrust or suspect, particularly as the plethora of gambling opportunities has exploded over the past two decades or so … while the knowledge and research has not only lagged, but remained almost as well hidden as the problem.
So thank you all for your continued and past encouragement. Still very tired and anxious, but knowing there are better days.
And I may not comment, or too much, on others’ posts for now, but I decided I will read at least one through each time so I can at least know who is who and “what is what” to an extent.
And if anyone had the fortitude to make it through all I wrote, can I just ask whether people ever start a new personal thread, like if there is a major change? Or just go through on the same one? I am not sure on that, and it may be written somewhere, if so please forgive as I normally haven’t had time or energy to do all that needs done on the normal stuff- yikes! Hugs to all and a wish for peace inside!30 August 2014 at 6:21 pm #3440velvetModerator
Encouraging a son to be a man or a daughter to be a woman does not mean that the addiction to gamble will not figure in that person’s life although I agree that babying peoples as they develop is not good. I cannot answer for your ex MIL but I do know that she did not ask for or want her son’s addiction and it would have caused her terrible pain resulting possibly in her own erratic, poor, behaviour – I cannot judge her.
I do know CGs put on shows to protect themselves just as those around them put on masks to protect themselves from feelings of shame and confusion. I am sorry your therapist left you feeling that you were expected to make up for the inadequacies in your relationship – that was not deserved. You were in a no-win situation and you in your turn had neither asked for nor wanted the addiction in your life.
‘If’ you feel you are hated then it is because of ignorance and ignorance of this addiction is world-wide. I know only too well the wall you have come up against – it is a wall that is recognised on this forum by every person who has loved a CG and I think it is good to speak out, whenever we can, to reach a wider audience.
It didn’t take fortitude to read your post – sadly your words were only too familiar. I fully understand you find it hard to see compulsive gambling as an illness – you are angry and you have a right to be. However, with understanding I think that most members who have passed through this forum and groups have come out stronger people. If we allow the addiction to ruin our lives once we have knowledge of it then the addiction, in my view, has won.
It is common for people to start a new thread after a major change, although many people stay with the same one so they can look back on their journey as a diary and see how far they have come. There is never anything to forgive on this forum – you are doing all that needs to be done. Keep posting and using your ability to articulate on behalf of those who have found themselves in the eye of the addiction storm.
Velvet2 December 2014 at 4:28 am #3441
Velvet, I just read your last response. Funny, I thought about starting a new thread but decided against it. Partly because, as you said, it brings one the memories of how much has happened/changed and how much one has endured, etc. So I decided to stick with this one.
First off, I am literally so exhausted that many days, I wish I would not wake up anymore. It is three months now since I was evicted with only 40 hours notice and since then … war is hell they say; life should not be … but then, I no longer consider “this” life, only existence and “survival” but for what? More of the same?
After I was thrown out, only some of my things were put into storage (per the order). My car was constantly overheating due to a failing water pump, but I was afraid to change it then (plus didn’t have $$ for new part) because if it was harder than I thought, I would be completely without transportation.
I went down (that house is 40 miles from the reasonably sized city I moved to) and supposedly, a couple in-laws were going to be there so I could get some of my things … they left many (probably most of what was useful/valuable) in the basement. Nobody was there.
So Monday, I went back and the brother agreed to meet and “supervise” although he made me come an hour later than I
wanted to. At noon, he said he was taking a “lunch break”. That lasted until 4pm; I was not able to get anything done during that time … just sit around and cool my heels. So I got a few more hours done, was able to get help from one person bringing things up from the basement for a while (I called many, many churches hoping to find some help). He took off, ostensibly to find out where “the others” were and I never heard from him again.
The next day, I was late getting down there due to overheating problems. I had a couple hours bringing things up from the basement; the previous day I had been allowed to load the truck with whatever I had brought up to the driveway, even after he had left. So I tried to bring up the most valuable things and personal papers,etc. There was a dumpster in the driveway; the day before, I had found many of my personal papers and even new things (mine) trashed in the dumpster. I had retrieved what I could and hoped to check for more after I was done bringing things up.I had also called the police department because I anticipated trouble; the brother had snatched our daughters years before, when they were 5 and 6, precipitating (undiagnosed for 5 years) panic attacks in me and helping his brother (CG) who filed divorce promptly after.
At noon, out of nowhere, the brother ordered me off the property. I did not have the truck, I had parked it at the nearby lot from which I’d rented it as I could not afford to drive it back and forth. I was going to get it after I was done bringing things up … and the brother knew it. He had asked where it was earlier and I’d told him I couldn’t afford mileage charges. He watched me go up and down the stairs hauling my possessions up, knowing I was not going to be “allowed” to take anything that day and would have incurred extra charges for the truck, having kept it the extra day.
We’d been forced to take our cats to a neighbors when I was evicted … one was hit by a car and one we had not been able to find when I had to leave. It was next door at CG and brother’s mother’s house; brother had told me he would get her when I was leaving. I did not get her back, either. It was all lies.
The other brother has a business selling things on-line and I had started selling books on-line when CG had a heart attack about 5 years ago. I had purchased more books with salable valuable since the divorce and had other new items, etc that were stored in the basement. So I am guessing that is where my personal possessions were destined … as more profit and another “take that” to me.
I called the police officer I’d spoken to before and pointed out the order didn’t have a time, etc. He called the brother, then called me back, telling me the brother was “being an a**hole”, “playing games” and he was sorry for what I was going through, but he couldn’t do anything. I went to the Court then (twenty miles) and wrote out a plea and complaint for my possessions and cat. I just learned the other day that the (foreclosure attorney, also representing brother) items were considered “abandoned” by me on motion of brother’s attorney. I can’t think too hard about it all because I will cry.
I haven’t been able to get a job, yet, either between dealing with having things in two storages (plus fees) and having to stay with daughter (which resulted in my sleeping in my car several nights as well) and having her own anxiety issues come to a head several times, revealing her lack of trust in just about everyone (I feel the same sometimes). No credit, no money and no place to move the things in storage.
So I had to collect more cans and stuff to supplement my disability check. Somewhere along the way, I was bitten by a tick and got some sort of infection. I didn’t know there was a tick on me, I started feeling pain on my abdomen one night and thought I had a rash coming on but couldn’t see anything. It hurt the next day and I had a closer look; I saw a round circular red area I took to be a scab and showed it to my daughter. “Mom, that’s not a scab, that’s a tick,” she told me before removing it as well as she could. I went to the urgent care and was given an initial dose of antibiotics and the rest of the mouthpiece was removed. Pretty much the costs negated many of my collected cans; had I not been collecting them, I doubt I’d have gotten the tick.
We received some help to get into the place we have moved to (my younger daughter and me) or I have no idea what we would be doing … it’s cold as heck already and I have been forced to get more cans to come up with my share of the rent.
Last week, I went to use my debit card and it was turned down, even though I had just transferred money. When several more attempts had the same results, I went to the ATM, which said my account was overdrawn about $200. I called the bank and was told my account had been garnished. I have only disability income and that isn’t supposed to happen, except for a very few exceptions which I knew weren’t the case. The bank was closed when I called (on a Friday evening I was hit with all this); I was able to find a branch open on Saturday. The manger was very nice, but told me I need to go get a Court order about my account to give to the legal department.
I can’t even find a case with garnishment (civil collection) on the on-line docket in which I haven’t met with the involved attorney and explained and told them I would get in touch when I have a job. And to get a job … I NEED some peace and sanity. I have to either keep paying on storage or lose what little I have left … and on the one storage, I was not able to pay for November, it is now December and right now, I have only $6 to last me for the next 16 days. $107 is due in about a week for car insurance …
and the day before that, one of my molars broke off, leaving a sharp edge(s) that is gouging my tongue, making it not only difficult to eat, but I have been getting pain on swallowing and near my ear on that side … I have no dental insurance, so I guess I have to wait until it really becomes a medical concern. I used to grind my teeth when I was asleep and this apparently became quite a habit when all this divorce and terrorization started up, years ago. Just another wonderful effect of being the unwitting spouse of CG, I guess. I keep wondering what type of employer will hire me with all the holes in my mouth I am getting … this is the third tooth that has broken partially, it has been “grin and bearit” because I have had no choice.
I still have heard nothing back from Gam-Anon and there is basically no support. Even though I still go to therapy, it feels like an exercise in futility. I haven’t done anything wrong and I can only see that I am being punished and deprived of choices, freedom, possession, peace of mind, health and being forced to pretty much watch as my life is stripped away, while the CG and relatives are rewarded, with my possessions and Court award, as well as unearned automatic equity … and nobody here gives a darn. Occasionally, I’ve thought that MAYBE, just MAYBE, someone would take the injustice seriously and have the power to do something or publicize it. I feel completely invisible and as though really, I don’t “exist” except for the nearly constant (though I am grateful for the periods where it ebbs for a while) pain in my mouth, as well as the pain in my feet from toxic neuropathy, the apparently permanent result of having to take medications I never needed, having been misdiagnosed for years, from the machinations of the CG and his mother, who was quite active in supporting her CG son’s fraud.
I can feel myself going into and out of emotional shock, too. I know that and the fatigue are dangerous, as despite even KNOWING I have to, I’m too exhausted and without hope to even force myself sometimes. I’ve done nothing wrong, and the CG has accomplished his goals, the cruel relatives who’ve helped him in past and currently are profiting from me directly and I don’t even have a say in Court about matters that have basically stripped the last 20 years of effort and accomplishments from me and even worse, destroyed me financially to the point where I end up often having weeks out of the month with no money for gas, minutes for phone service or other necessities.
I guess the worst part though is that I have no idea what God expects me to do with or about the situation. I find myself crying a lot, because there seems to be no answer and no way out … just pain and everyone else having rights … while I am supposed to “accept” and “get on with my life”. My life ended quite a while ago, unfortunately, my physical existence didn’t.
I don’t mean to sound so … whatever. But that is basically what I have been experiencing on the outside … and more lately, on the inside as my last hopes for fairness in the Court (per the law of “equitable settlement” in divorce) have been dashed and even the possessions I earned, or things like the sewing machine I was given as a birthday gift when I was 9 years old, have been taken from me as booty for the greedy … sick … or whatever. At this point, I would just call them evil. THAT is how I feel.3 December 2014 at 1:35 am #3442
I was reading a couple of threads last night … Berber’s and Jamesn’s. I can remember back to what seems a lifetime ago, when I discovered the gambling problem after he had filed for divorce and taken up with the nurse. I remember how I had gone to a therapist, who thought I was “nuts” to even consider sticking with a guy who was having affair (with his nurse, to boot). He told me 90% of women wouldn’t even consider it. At the time, I had thought maybe he was bipolar or maybe all that I was learning was related to his nearly fatal heart attack. I remember how happy I actually was, when I learned of the affair … because finally I had confirmation that I WASN’T CRAZY. I was merely responding (I’d been struggling with feeling depressed) to the lies and other games and things going on … the rages and weak but potent blame heaped on me for ALL of his “problems”.
Reading the threads of others brought back memories of how I had told him that “maybe this is why I had to go through all of what I had” back at the time he had first filed for divorce … I didn’t know, at the time, that I had been victimized intentionally and maliciously in order to make me look bad, to hell with the consequences to me … as long as he retained control over “his” money (meaning mine, too) and me, if possible. When he told me, back then, that he wanted to “cancel” the divorce and never wanted it … I believed him. I didn’t realize the “property settlement” his attorney had sent over, that awarded him all and me nothing, would NEVER have stood up in a competent Court. I remembered how I told him, though, that if he and I were “right” with God and each other, there was no problem that I couldn’t get through … didn’t mean it would be easy … just that it would happen.
Sometimes I feel sad … when I had to go to the women’s shelter years ago, I was one of the few women without her children. They had been snatched from me and custody given to him … his mother and he telling authorities I was “mental” and a drug addict … I was in out-patient counseling and had been taking medications prescribed by the doctor. He didn’t like it when I became assertive again and quit easily “giving in” to his “requests” and “desires”. I was the “odd one out” in the women’s shelter and it made me feel there must be something horribly wrong with me that I didn’t have my children … especially when I compared myself with others there (which I couldn’t help). I guess in a way it makes me feel the same, to know that my support and encouragement was “not enough”. I know that isn’t true … I don’t know yet if others are struggling with similar … being (seemingly) punished while CG goes on their merry way, continuing on and profiting at their spouse’s expense, despite the so-called “oversight” of attorney and Courts of law.
I sort of wanted to write a note of encouragement, but I thought better of it for the moment, as I am so angry and hurt that I would not be able to write something that would be “proper”; same reason I am not trying to work in nursing … concentration and all else are overshadowed by the chaos, drama and destruction and I don’t trust myself to be responsible for someone else’s life and health when my judgment and objectivity have been turned upside down.
Was hoping to get here for chat, but I went looking for cans so I’ll have enough money to get the bills due/coming due taken care of.
I was along the ramp of the freeway and a man called out to me; he had a couple cans in his hand so I went over to take them. He also handed me a $5 bill and a prayer card with Jesus on the front, a Catholic one (although I am not Catholic, I’ve had friends and recognize the pictures). I was reading the prayer on back, which ends …
“Let every angry word said to me or against me be returned with words of love and mercy not anger or revenge. Let every desire I have be for You. Let my will conform to Yours. Touch every cell of my body, Lord, and make me the person, the servant, You want me to be. Amen.”
I will admit I am not there … I have trouble when pain and need are wracking me, being exhausted and knowing that I have been unjustly treated … that my daughters are and have been … and that maybe they don’t see me as “failure” but they can’t see me as someone to emulate. It makes me think of Jesus’ suffering … i cannot say that mine “compares” just that I can’t help thinking … because it comes to my mind, that he GOT TO die … the suffering was for several days. And I cannot know what His experience here was (like) but as God, His knowledge far exceeds mine … it is one thing to believe something … it is so much harder to “have faith” when all seems dark ahead and no end in sight. Especially when I look around and see others who are of similar belief, whatever denomination, and their lives seem so placid in comparison. Or plentiful … that is hard. Used to think maybe I could help others once I “got through” this; now I sometimes wonder if I WILL survive it. I guess I will have to find out.
To those who are still with their CG partner, I just hope and pray for you the strength, patience and all else you need to keep going. I know what statistics say but I don’t know how much research, especially useful and accurate, is really done. So if you are with them … I hope that someone perks you up or reminds you. Either way is hard, that is the one thing I know. I knew divorce the first time had been hard (though NOTHING like this, which I think is punishment for my not giving in to demands plus destruction BECAUSE I did fine without him, once I got my bearings and the PTSD was identified), but I KNEW that things got better … and as far as the marriage went, I didn’t know if the whole time had been a “con” but it seemed like there had been a time when WE had been happy together and I thought he loved me and our daughters. I forget exactly who was describing the addiction (Nora?) and how it is separate from the person, but I sort of know how that makes sense. One thing I learned during the first divorce was how much I had changed … and yet had not. I mean I had changed as over the years I gave in to little requests and such that seemed “no big deal” at the time. There was some sort of struggle in me during the time I was thrown out that time and it certainly did seem a foreign part was there; it was tempting to give in and seemed to have advantages … but I recognize NOW that part of what I was going through was somewhat a spiritual crisis and integrity crisis.
Anyway, this is sort of rambly so am going to end for now. But if anyone bears reading my lengthy “catch ups” I wish all of you well and better, your partners and loved ones also. Hoping that more things simmer down so I can come on here when the chat is occurring. Anyway, once it snows it is pretty hard to find cans! So hopefully get caught up and at least maintain, get some rest and continue on … I know resentments and such are in the 12 steps … a lot of that I do use, though not as formally and I’m not sure I agree 100%. But I DO know that bitterness and resentment doesn’t help me or hurt them; I’m not interested in revenge, just wanted to leave somewhat fairly … and it hurts to know they are profiting but likely will still squander what I worked for and could sure use … and just say, like the man in the Bible, “I believe, help my unbelief!”6 December 2014 at 7:10 pm #3443
I felt so much better the other day; maybe because I didn’t spend hours lugging things or bending down a million times (or so it seems) to pick up yet another can.
Despite feeling better, it still staggers my mind that I am still faced with so many giant difficulties, despite not having done ANYTHING wrong, while CG and etc go on … having made profit at my expense and that of our children.
I have to question, too, whether the brother who bought the house has a gambling problem. Both he and a son are listed on the “lottery winners” page as having won $1,000 on scratch tickets. The brother’s income is 4x what I have available, yet he filed for straight bankruptcy about 18 – 19 months before the sheriff sale … yet managed to come up with $57k cash.
I overslept today and have to make the most of the light. Go find some cans and go haul stuff. Also have to try to find the owner’s slip to car so I can sell it Monday to the junkyard, cause there has to be enough money to pay insurance.
Last night I was getting some cans and a man drove up and gave me a bag of them (people often will give me the cans out of their vehicle if they see what I am doing). It sort of hurt, though, when he and I talked for a few minutes. I don’t give a “sob story” but basically, just “what it is” as briefly and clearly as possible. It hurt because then he asked for a hug and I told him I don’t hug strangers. Oh well … I have already thought about the dangers, from sticking my hand onto a discarded needle to picking up something like hepatitis … but what are the alternatives? There is no “help” other than general and I don’t qualify. Just have to get through this time and hope I make it out alive and in general good health, I guess.
Feels like I have been sentenced though to hard labor or worse … all for having been a parent (and therefore, the Court jurisdiction over me). Even blatant criminals do not have to go through such, though I am not saying some are not subjected to pretty terrible/worse that they don’t deserve, either.
I taught my children what to do if they need help. And I have tried to get through and past this on my own efforts; when I saw I could not outstrip the destruction, I asked for help, communicated with the Courts and etc. I have gotten a bit of help, here and there. It has been piecemeal and unfortunately, often “too little, too late”.
Last night, a woman saw and called to me; I thought she was “chasing me away” but she was trying to hand me some money. I told her I wasn’t looking (or asking) for money but she insisted I take it. It was enough that I can fill the tank partially.
I am still feeling quite exhausted, but going to get on with the business of the day. Maybe will feel a bit better again later … and at least I still can. I remember how I used to think maybe I can help someone else … at the moment and for a while though, I am wondering if I will make it through. I hope so … I miss life … being able to relax … being able to choose.12 December 2014 at 3:05 am #3444
Yesterday I went by the place where things were stored (by his relatives) after I was kicked out of the house. There is another padlock on there now as I have been unable to pay. So … it looks like those things are gone … I was down there after missing a doctor’s appointment that was the 2nd reschedule of the original. By now, I don’t even recall what occurred specifically to cause me to miss the first. Last time I tried to go, I ran out of gas and walked two miles before a lady picked me up and drove me the one and a half remaining miles. I actually got to this one, but I was about 15 minutes late and the office was closing for a Christmas party.
The night before, I didn’t have any gas money. My daughter loaned me $5 so I was able to get there and back (about 40 miles one way).
Today, I had to break down and call the car insurance company and ask if I could bring the money as there isn’t enough in the bank.
I’m tired. I’ve been spending hours collecting cans and etc. I’ve been moving things out of the storage up here; it’s been a long tiring process as I have to put what I take on or in the car and load it myself. The other night, I was able to get quite a bit; I had a tabletop, mattress and large dresser on top and the rest of the car stuffed to overflow. I actually had to use some mathematical thinking (or at least scientific) to figure out how to get the queen size mattress up and on top; I was pleased that I was able to figure out that opening the doors and just getting it that high would give me a basis for getting it the rest of the way there! 🙂 Fortunately there is not much left there and the man there graciously gave me some extra time without charge.5 January 2015 at 2:00 pm #3445
I started new posts, but gave it up; the browser crashed anyway … but for the moment, feel like I’m only talking to myself … get enough of that in everyday existence … pretty cold here and snowy. Have been working feverishly to find as many cans as possible before they are hidden by snow (as they are now).
Dr. appt., then off to Court to see what I can find out about this unlawful garnishment of my bank account. Also to storage to see if there is any arrangement I can make to keep from losing my things that are still there. No minutes on phone; can only text for now … no extra money. Hoping to get part time job shortly, but getting everything I’ve earned taken and no recourse … doesn’t help my motivation … especially since I am mostly bone tired … especially when I wake up … oh well, keep on plugging on through the injustice … gotta say, never believed such was possible in a supposedly “free” country with Constitutional rights … haha …. been learning more about the US than I ever wanted to know … surprised not to have an upset stomach to boot. Onward and upward …5 January 2015 at 4:03 pm #3446velvetModerator
I feel, having read your posts and replies to others that you are holding a lot of anger and I am concerned that living with so much pain is neither healthy nor necessary. I appreciate you have done nothing wrong but you are obviously struggling with the outcome of a traumatic divorce. I am sorry to read that you have found your therapy an exercise in futility and would suggest you change your therapist as counsellors do vary and finding the right one is so important – perhaps it is time for you to decide what serves you and what you should let go.
Researching too deeply into a subject without proper direction can lead the unwitting into a mire of misunderstanding and in my experience doesn’t help those who love CGs one jot. I have not found ‘intentional’ malice to be a tool of the CG and suggesting different personality disorders doesn’t help.
You have not been talking to yourself, I have read every post you have written but most of the problems you have described do not come within the remit of this site and as such it is impossible for me (or any member) to comment on the fairness, or otherwise, of US divorce laws or court orders, nor can I comment on your PTSD apart from reiterating that looking after oneself is the most important thing you can do.
I would urge you to seek counselling from those who are properly able to advise you and who can support you as you deserve.
I wish you well
Velvet8 January 2015 at 5:21 am #3447
Hi Velvet! I read your reply and it was good to just hear from someone. I started to rely last evening but then thought I just wanted to think on what you said,plus got busy with “problems” as per usual. I’m not sure whether I interpreted your response completely correctly, in this case (my relationship with CG) I have experienced malice (aka punishment) from not obeying (doing what is demanded of me). Unfortunately, the situation actually started in 1998 and I knew absolutely NOTHING about “gambling problems”. Once I became aware (after he filed THIS divorce) of THE PROBLEM, I still had no idea that everything I have been/am experiencing is actually “known”, at least on the surface.
I don’t expect anyone to necessarily comment on the political or legal stuff … we are required to take a “U.S. Govt” class in high school prior to graduation … I had no exposure to Courts other than for traffic ticket … nothing prepared me for being forced to stand “civilly” while my life is dismantled, my possessions and assets squandered on what turned out were unnecessary (but costly) legal fees, or just taken from me and given to ex-in-laws, all because I was left without funds to leave or remove them to another place.
🙂 Anyway, I read and thoroughly understand (and enjoy) Jonathan Swift’s writing on the matter of attorneys and Courts … it is as applicable today as when he wrote it hundreds of years ago …
It would take too long and accomplish nothing much to explain what I have learned … despite the numerous “advocacy agencies” and “help lines”, when it gets to the nitty gritty, there are no resources here to assist the families … and those associated with the Court system seem pretty ignorant about CG … although I did read that there is now a special Court in at least one state which addresses CG in cases where a criminal defendant suffers with it.
My whole complaint is that the roads, like legal gambling, are operated and etc under the auspices of the state … if there is a giant pothole, I can report it. It’s not that difficult. If the state doesn’t repair or warn of the hazard, people whose cars are damaged can file claims. I can’t figure out who or how a person is supposed to “complain” or report problems related to CG, especially when it pertains to a partner (or relative). Because of the number of efforts I’ve made and my level of intelligence, I’m “guessing” that complaints are not to be made …. “please play responsibly” being the level of “public awareness” that is supposed to suffice for the CG and unwitting relatives.
I hope this doesn’t come across wrong (any of my reply) but I AM about at the endof the rope. I had doctor appointment Monday, then went to the Court to see what I could learn about my money being seized … turns out I was supposed to be there for a hearing, earlier. For some unknown reason, all of my mail is being returned, even though I filed a confirmed change of address. And I had shown up for the initial meeting when I was sued by the creditor, explained my situation and that I had no income except for the disability. That happened the same day I had to be in Court later to get thrown out, with no place to go and no real funds. Once I was able to access the case, I went on-line to see what has happened. From what I can tell, funds were taken even before the creditor had answers … though the Court records showed I’d been there to the meeting (hearing). I tried to work with all the creditors and have effectively been a hostage for the four years before being thrown out. I called and met with reputable credit counselor well before finances were as terrible as they have gotten. I knew we couldn’t afford attorneys for the divorce and told the Court so … but I was forced to hire one; especially as the first thing his attorney did was file for an “emergency custody change” on accusing me of abusing our 17 year old … it wouldn’t matter what the truth was, then any more than now … as the whole thing was done to get me out, immediately, no matter the cost or consequences to me.
Sure, I am angry … I’ve been locked up several times under false pretenses, misdiagnosed with diseases I never had, had to pay for “treatment” for said diseases, have been deprived of children and assets … even a place to stay, twice before this time …. and have physical and very painful side effects that are likely going to last the rest of my life, from treatment I didn’t need. I was forced to come back to a relationship under what I now know were false pretenses, designed ONLY to protect his access to funds …
… it makes me angry to listen to a “victim’s advocate” (more than one) to tell me to “get on with my life” … a life that has been taken, even more than once … and I am supposed to start again, less than zero … and it turns out that all these “professionals” were wrong … “mistakes” continue, yet I (and my daughters) are the only ones who get to be accountable for the consequences of others’ “mistakes”.
Last night, I learned my account was -$25. Today, it was -$65. I won’t have money for two more weeks and none of this months bills are paid except the rent. There’s snow and tonight the wind chill down to the -20s, so I can’t even go look for cans. My phone has no minutes … sort of hard to hope to get a job, especially since that money will only get taken … and the car insurance DIDN’T get paid. In fact, a subscription I had made to try to get some legal information (and which was cancelled, per the representative months ago – I found the e-mail) has been getting charged. I feel sick and there is NOWHERE to turn.
On therapy … I had actually stopped going for about 2 years, until all this blew up with the affair with the nurse and the divorce being filed. I don’t have a problem with the therapist; it is actually difficult to find a good, knowledgeable one (in my experience). But there are things that therapy can’t really help with … and I think there are some problems that we are not meant to “cope” with. There have to be other actions as well as going to therapy, if there is going to be any change for the better. I am only one human and I have been doing everything I can, know how to do and have been forced or taken the initiative to try to deal with things I DON’T know … like repairing my car, finding ways to scrape up extra money when not having reliable transportation or gas money.
People tell me “he’ll get his” one day … like how is that supposed to help? I am not interested in revenge or hurting others … when I knew that he was not interested in reconciling or facing himself/problem, I merely wanted to get on with my life, but in a rational fashion, not being thrown out on demand. That is not unreasonable. Whether his intent is malicious or merely irresponsible (don’t know that’s the right word) doesn’t really matter, the results of his actions … totally unnecessary actions … have seriously damaged my life, the lives of our daughters as we WILL have to deal with those damages likely for years to come.
I just feel as if I am being buried alive and it must all be kept “hush hush” to protect the gambling industry. THAT is what I am most angry about … and if the state (gov’t) wasn’t getting a cut of the profits, I am positive there’d be a much different perspective and actions … and I guess that is likely the case, no matter what country we live in. I’m not trying to politicize the matter, only to make sense of what is otherwise incomprehensible.
Mostly, I am just tired …. extremely tired and feel like I am being tortured, more or less. It doesn’t matter what I do or how hard and long I work; it’s to no avail.
Velvet, I am just glad of your reply. Lately, I have felt like I really don’t even exist, other than as something to squeeze a few more dollars out of … that makes me want to cry. I see the stuff that goes “viral” and I know I don’t have “the worst” problems, but they do hurt and there seems no way out. This is going to kill me, if it doesn’t somehow ease up … soon. I’ve run out of ideas … and hope. Like the lady from Gam-anon told me on the phone when I was first grappling, (but put a bit differently) it is like trying to build a house faster than it can be burnt down. I know that’s impossible, but “the system” is forcing me to at least try … or die … or be thrown away to try to survive on a night like tonight, in the snow and in the -20 temperature range. It’s more than I can handle and here, I’m alone.8 January 2015 at 12:30 pm #3448jenny46Participant
But in the face of such adversity you are still standing ! all be it with a fragility that must seem like it hangs in the balance quite frequently.
I sometimes get the impression that some people think that as the addiction has in a sense left our lives, that the turmoil it creates in many areas of our lives leaves with it – just like that.
It leaves a legacy, in my humble opinion of destruction, all the things that have happened to you seem to link back to someone else’s compulsive gambling, a not very nice person who chose to allow his addiction to thrive instead of having the guts to stand up to it despite the damage to others as well as its owner.
It is truly amazing that despite everything life has thrown at you that you are still carrying on and it has not beaten you, even if it sometimes feels that way, or maybe even most of the time.
It says a lot about you that you don’t want to seek revenge etc many people would, I think I’d be out for putting his head on a sharp stick – whether it achieved anything or not !!
You haven’t given up, you are still doing this, in the way that right now is the best or only option for you. All the counselling and venting in the world cannot solve practicalities but it helps to keep a clear head clear and look at different approaches to life’s problems.
You may not notice this yourself but I sensed more strength and resolve in your recent posts regardless of there being maybe not much change in your physical circumstances.
Please don’t give up now
Jenny9 January 2015 at 12:23 am #3449twilight16Participant
Hello, here is no question of the malice you have suffered from your ex cg. It is a miracle that you are functioning, and are surviving as well as you are, please do not give up this far along in your recovery.
You are a SURVIVOR in the highest form, don’t let others tell you otherwise, just keeping doing for you. The worst is behind you, unfortunately you will continue to deal with the aftermath of you ex cg until it stops. However, take refuge in knowing it will end.
I can only comment about a cg in denial like your ex, not the ones on this site or any other seeking recovery, the ones in denial are the majority of the cg in the world. Never admitting to their gambling problem or the havoc they are causing their families, as you know my father is one of them.
I do believe a cg in denial, when pushed by the addiction to get money, enablement, will without question engage in malicious behavior, becoming dangerous to be around, with their threats and aggression.
I am sure there are women who have not only been verbally abused by their cg which we read countless times here, but have been physically abused. My father held his hand up to me when he didn’t like what I said; he knew I wasn’t going to give in, this was enough for me to be scared and to believe he had it in him to strike me. Many may say but he didn’t, but I was holding my daughter, so who knows. He may have if it was just me. It is a blessing that you are out of the marriage.
The good news is time does heal all wounds. When I accepted the wrongs that were done to me, which I will admit took awhile. I was on my way to a better life. In the process I forgave myself, often times blaming myself for not seeing what was really happening.
This is your time to create your new life, don’t try to correct the system anymore, it is truly futile, the lack of support for families of cg is truly a cry, or waste too much time dwelling in the injustices of the gambling system. You want out of that life, you should tell yourself I don’t want to be connected to anything that is linked to gambling. Honestly I avoid it like the plague. I limit my time here, I am done with my recovery, but when I read about someone struggling like you, it hits home.
Just remember you are never alone, you have your daughters to be thankful for and God, aka your higher power. At the end of my recovery when I was dealing with the craziness of my father, the law, his obvious demise I let it go. I let God handle it. Just believe your break is not too far away, because you keep on chipping away.
Twilight4 February 2015 at 5:10 am #3450
Jenny, thank you. I missed several weeks after my reply to Velvet. I’m sort of afraid, because of all the repercussions that have sort of jumped at me out of the blue (not to mention the intentional ones MEANT to hurt or punish me, by people I cared about) certainly, but mostly because I am so darn tired. Not the tired when you don’t get enough rest, it’s the tiredness that is the result of everything that you do and try being useless.
I need to look into and FIND support group (in person) again. Unfortunately, since gambling is a politically regulated and permitted activity, it’s sort of hard to discuss it without any mention of same. It’s just very hard to believe that all of the things that have happened as a result of CG is even possible.
I’ve gone about a month without going to therapy. At least reassures me I’m not “crazy” or any of that … not that I have believed that for the longest time. Missed last appointment because mix-up of days … I find all this turmoil and stuff really messes up my attention and other mental faculties. Going to make an appointment again, though …
I guess it just strikes me that EVERYTHING (in the case at least of those who’ve married and have children with CG) is in someone else’s “court”. Even though that court is out of control and headed full on for destruction at whatever point … unless the problem IS recognized early enough to be able to take protective and assertive actions.
Your words helped me; strength and blessing I found in them. I think right now the hardest thing is trying to make sense from a “faith” standpoint. My faith is not mature enough to understand/withstand the fact that even God above is not smiling on my attempts … I can tell myself there is reason, I just can’t find it or feel secure.
No, I don’t want revenge … in past I’ve done plenty of stupid or merely thoughtless (or haven’t done) things that have had adverse impact on others … sometimes the consequences of our actions are quite unforseeable … or things that might have gotten me killed or whatever. I learned from it, though and was thankful for the mercy (maybe it was just delayed consequences LOL). I’m not enjoying any of this and honestly wish and hoped someone would have seen the reality and put an end to his destructive non-sense instead of the Court merely a tool and weapon for more. But yeah, when I am in a neutral head space, and when I have talked with my daughters in past, I have told them their father wouldn’t talk or behave as he has/does if he was in his right mind. I’m not giving it a “pass” or saying they (or I or anyone) should “accept” such behavior or talk. I’ve had my moments where it hits me that if I hadn’t taken him to the hospital with his heart attack or pointed out the spot of gangrene on his foot that all of his good “friends” missed … things would be different. But then, so should I. I’ve done enough (wrong) to know I’m not “noble”. But I made the right choice(s) and never have to doubt that!4 February 2015 at 5:51 am #3451
Thank you, too Twilight. It was well after I made my decision to refuse to be put out of the house when he filed for the divorce that I found this site. I didn’t even know about the problem, then and that it had been affecting me and our children adversely for many or most of the years.
I must say, though, that your words are what really strengthened my resolve … your words about your parent’s divorce and your subsequent experiences. Since our daughters’ custody was granted to him in the last divorce (and he retained almost all of our assets) I certainly feared that if I got up and just left (the most sensible thing, in the circumstances), one or both of our daughters would pay the price. I’d come back (hoping for the best, of course) because I realized that adults should be the strong ones in their children’s lives. I have no concept of what would follow that first divorce; I thought he just didn’t love me and was at least half convinced then that I was crazy. It was horrible to learn that our daughters were steeped in a history that “mommy deserted you” and many other negative things as a result of my doing what I thought best in light of the fact he wanted a divorce back then and was threatening to have me involuntarily commited (especially knowing as I do now that I suffered shock, panic and exhaustion from a heavy load of responsibility for too long) to protect his status quo and access to resources.
Both you and Jenny have strengthened me, but I hear your words differently because of the fact that I know my daughters can’t “appreciate” a lot and hopefully, that is because of my being able to make contact with people here and some others who are either wise or understanding.
I’m glad that you made the point about CGs in denial. I have a great deal of admiration for those in recovery; this one (gambling) sucks because it is one of the few “problems” that is socially (and obviously politically) approved of to indulge in … it has to suck to walk into a store and have the clerk “suggest sell” a lottery ticket when you are trying/have quit and find such suggestions on the state sight to “maximize product”. And so on. But it becomes difficult to speak genuinely about my circumstances without sounding like I am condemning all/being negative about all CGs.
It’s not even them (CGs)… I figure people should be free to do as they like as long as they are not hurting others … all the destruction and malice has been largely or completely preventable … just that the powers who profit don’t want to acknowledge and deal with the collateral damage as you point out. I don’t like being under the control of a person or government that DOES NOT have my interests and well-being (and certainly not of children affected, mine and others) in their mind OR their practices; it is injustice and I will leave it at that.
I have a quite weird sense of humor/perspective and have been thinking … maybe I can make a perverse “loser” poster to place on my car, modeled after the pictures of winners on the state lottery site or the retailers, with a big check of costs … to at least raise awareness. When I walked through town in a sandwich board in the summer, people actually did stop me and ask questions and so I was able to discuss the issue, rationally. I could put together a one page tri-fold with information as well as resources to hand out, as well. For the time at least, it may help me and maybe it will help someone else as well. I have no thoughts of changing the world/system … I’m not sure where I want or hope my life to head (yet). With so many new perspectives and experiences, I realize life can never be “the same” as before and that demands difference in me. I can pretty much guarantee that if I were suddenly lifted out of this muck and was able to (truly) rest and merely live and work, I’d figure it out and make a constructive go of it, as well as a satisfying one :-).
“It’s just the situation”
I too hope for a better break and soon … will have to update soon … but it is not necessarily true that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Sometimes it merely prolongs the agony!
at least I can say that with a somewhat smile. And a heartfelt “thank you”. I am glad that I read of your experiences and “spoken” with you here; especially glad to hear the positives of future days through recovery. For my daughters, for me, for everyone who is dealing with this from the places we are, here on this forum.15 February 2015 at 6:46 pm #3452madge456Participant
I have been following your posts and while I am in no real position to give advice, i can relate to the chaos that seems apparent in your posts. My story is buried in the F&F forum but briefly my CG is also Bipolar, sex addict, ADHD and narcoleptic. He has lied to me, been inappropriate sexually with me, hidden money, lost money, leant money to fellow CG’s which of course never returned, etc, etc.
So when you speak of chaos, I understand. I of course, like so many of the F&F on this site, was initially blaming myself, trying to “fix him”, always looking to help him so that our life would be better.
Fast forward to 7 years later. I no longer try and “fix” him. I ended up throwing him out of the house because his behavior got to be just too much. He ended up finally getting the help he needed but as far as I am concern he is on probation. I do not trust him. The only way he was allowed back in the house was to agree to put a GPS tracker on his phone, attend therapy and group therapy, attend SA and GA, and be religious about his meds.
I say all this to try and get across that you are not alone. I used to wonder if I was the only human on earth that lived in the crazy world that I did, but after being on this site, I realized I was not alone.
As twightlight says, you are survivor and should feel really good about protecting yourself. The best thing I ever did was let go of my CG. Once I STOPPED worrying about him (and everything else, actually) I was able to finally focus on me; my recovery. I look at as not selfish but more self-preservation.
I have always been one of those moms who said “I have bent so far over for my kids that I am in a circle”. While I still take care of my kids, I now am able to say NO to them. To give myself some time to do what I need (go to gym, doctors appointments, etc). I never did that before. And it feels good.
Despite how horrible you may feel, I can assure you others have felt that way (I have felt that way) and when I thought i would never survive, I did! It got better. I don’t know what my future holds for me or my CG, but I know what I want and what I need to do for myself.
Do something good for yourself. Take a step back, take a deep breath and know you have survived.
We are all here for you…
Sending you love across the miles
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