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  • #3453
    dadda
    Participant

    I’m so tired. I found my way back here and actually remembered password and everything to get on here. I read posts from other people who are just discovering the problem and trying to figure out what they CAN do and what “works” for them, from those “choices”.

    I suppose the one bright spot in life is that overall, my young adult daughters are doing well. My youngest (now nearly 23) had her credit ruined, but she texted me last evening that she has disputed the charges ($12k) and they are removed. I haven’t yet had a chance to check with her is this is permanent removal OR just temporary, as the dispute is “active”.

    My “situation” at present:

    I can’t legally drive. I got a ticket shortly after I was evicted from the house and could not go to court. I learned from on-line records that the post office returned the mail sent to me from the court (despite having a forward order with the post office that was confirmed). I got the ticket for a dragging tail pipe (which I had to keep tying up) and for having no “proof” of insurance (which I had insurance in force at all times). And actually, CG had the insurance forwarded to the nurse’s house, even though he was no longer on the policy. I was finally able to find all the paperwork I needed, have gas money to get to the court and went over there. I was “thrown out” under the threat of being arrested if I didn’t leave, when I tried to explain/ask for hearing. They told me I can “deal with the collection agency”.

    I had my bank account seized twice, unlawfully. I have disability income – from PTSD, which started as a result of brother-in-law hiding in our house and snatching my daughters, when they were five and six (1998). It took HOURS of research to get INFORMATION as to how this is “possible”. Turns out that (my disability was deposited to savings) when I transferred money from savings to checking account, it became vulnerable to seizure, as U.S. banks are only “required” to research/report on ONE account. So I ended up having to close savings account.

    I researched into bankruptcy; it costs about $399 JUST to file the papers. I don’t want to file for bankruptcy, BUT if I get a job that pays over $150 a month or so, I will just be subject to garnishment/seizure again. There is nothing like the feeling of having no gas in the car and all of a sudden, having absolutely no money available when you should.

    I am also only quoting the amount of filing fees; I am not even sure if the original creditors are the creditors I would have to file or if I would need to discover who owns the “notes” (ie credit agencies that buys them from original creditors). SO that would be more hours of research.

    I have (now) effectively worked the last 20 years or so for less than nothing and am forced to start over again (if ever that day comes). In order to start over, I am going to be forced to throw more money that I don’t have at the government that is benefiting from all the gambling and refusing to listen to or investigate what family members have to say.

    Last summer, I ended up having to go to emergency room twice, for dental infections. The second time, I asked to speak with social worker, who gave me list of useless “resources” for dental care. However, more research and I trotted back to hospital social work department as I learned of dentists who will treat for community service, etc. Is hard for me to believe FIRST worker knew nothing and if I did not persist … well, I ended up having to have about 9 teeth taken out. I was supposed to get the rest cleaned etc, but was running about 10 minutes late, and they discharged me. Is my fault, although honestly, I don’t even know what day it is half the time. My sleep is all screwed up, concentration sucks and it nearly kills me that if this was happening to someone else, I could help them. But anyway, I am getting pain again. I don’t qualify for any of the medicaid services for the poor; being responsible means even my disability income puts me above the “poverty level” used for services, though it doesn’t allow for things like getting hair cut, eye exams and stuff …

    In November, the lease for this place was up. My daughter moved out, so I tried to rent a less expensive place. There was a vacancy in a rental of the lady who had previously rented to my daughter and I met with her (again; I had previously gone with my daughter and explained about the dings to her credit). I had to pull the copy of my credit and so on … she left me a message that the “numbers just don’t work” for her. She didn’t reply to an e-mail in which I tried to find out what “might” work (make it possible). So, for the last seven months, I have been paying the rent – an extra $140 monthly – here and trying to figure out HOW I might be able to do something differently when the lease is again up. Have to say, on one hand, I was actually relieved with the “no” as the thought of having to go through moving again … is daunting … another reminder of gad awfully tired I am, to the bone. And ha ha … I CAN’T rent a truck to move anything large …

    About the time I tried to move, I went to Salvation Army and met with a case worker. I’ve tried to explain to people about the PTSD and how it affects my concentration, etc … and that it would be a great help if I can find someone to help me keep this situations straight, maybe spend some time looking for resources or information etc I might not be aware of. I ended up e-mailing her per our agreement; she never responded. Pretty crushing to lay out some of these things for nothing.

    They are going to open a casino here soon, a tribal one. All one hears about are the “community benefits”. I contacted a man who heads up an opposing group and e-mailed him, last September or so. He had a former CG slated to speak at one of their meetings, so I thought there might be some interest in how family members are affected. He did write back initially, but a second e-mail after I learned of my driver’s license suspension etc went unanswered.

    I still get cans, etc, but it merely “gets me through” the month; nothing extra and nothing to write home about … it provides me some extra money that I DON’T have to worry about getting seized/taken away from me. If it wasn’t so labor intensive, I might have some time and peace of mind to do the research and other stuff to climb out of the hole that I didn’t dig.

    It’s really hard, as I can’t help but THINK … and I have nothing interesting or consuming to focus my mental efforts towards; I am “above average” intelligence, so I spend a lot of time either outraged or “in (emotional) shock”, neither of which is productive, but can’t be willed away. I can’t help but think … how if I was in jail or prison (and I am in a “virtual” prison), I would get dental care. I didn’t even go to the emergency room until the antibiotics I was taking weren’t working at all and I couldn’t take the pain anymore. How prisoners could not be subjected to some of the “cruel and unusual” crap I have to take as a matter of course.

    I can’t help but wonder, sometimes, if my daughters would be doing as well if I had left and looked after my finances. Since the CG threatened me AND since I had been subjected to legal threats by his attorney, etc, I don’t doubt that he could still have screwed things up to an extent, but I am pretty sure the financial damages couldn’t have gotten this bad. However, I know for fact that my children were brought up being told that I “deserted” them , that I was going to kill them, etc, etc (plus that I have paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar, neither of which I have or ever did). When I CAME BACK, it was FOR THEM. I had thought, previously, that the “state” might not know who was telling the truth, etc. When It became obvious to me that he was abusive to them, as well as to me, and that it was NOT just a matter or “me being crazy” (as I had feared, and had actually left to spare them if that was the case), I took action, even though it landed me in jail briefly and so on. I still THINK and BELIEVE that I did the right thing; I believe that even though I “look like a failure” that my children, having seen and been exposed to their father’s lies and actions (and which I would have spared them, had I been in a position of choice), that actually has been helpful to them in ways that maybe aren’t measurable.

    But yeah, I am exhausted and frustrated. The smartest choice seems to commit some crimes, because the progress I make “doing the right thing”isn’t enough. I’d have more “rights” and resources if I got caught, and benefits if I didn’t. I’m just saying that as observation … because I also learned that about a month after I was evicted, ex-mother-in-law was trotted into an attorneys to create a trust for her property, etc … and then into nursing home. I ran into someone who knows her pretty well, who was telling me about some pretty clear signs of dementia that had been going on at least a year prior. Which would make a trust creation invalid, but only if “caught” by authorities. And not much chance of that …

    Anyway, I am puzzled as to why agencies that are opposed to gambling/expansion are not interested at all at the effects on family members. Are they just interested in maintaining their existence, not really addressing the problems? I know my reading revealed that less than 10% of CG get treatment; my experience reveals that most “professionals” and “authorities” don’t have a clue. Plus, I have found news stories (including legal blogs) about gamblers who have sued casinos on the theory that they were impaired or had a self-exclusion, etc (they never win). Basically, what I have “learned” is that even (hah, especially) casinos CAN’T identify “CG” though they seem to pretty good about spotting those who they can get lots of money from. Another thing I am learning is that they throw money to the agencies that otherwise might be looking into it (gambling) as the CAUSE of the problems that they are designed to alleviate. Like here, the casino is giving money to the Boys and Girls club and other (similar) social agencies. The state domestic violence agency gets donations from the casinos (and it is well -and peer reviewed – researched that CG contributes to family discord/breakdown/violence) and the CASA (Court appointed special advocate; for children) did a fundraiser “A Night at the Casino”. It is stuff like that that gets my blood boiling; the court VERY mistakenly awarded custody of my daughters TO the CG; there seems to be no mechanism to enlighten them either, as to their “error” to prevent it happening to others. That’s a bit of a rant …. but yeah, a problem can’t be solved if it is actively ignored and played down, in other words, it doesn’t exist. The Congresswoman for my district, through her aide, informed me that “ALL THIS” is MY “legal problem”. NO, it is not! Knowledge is supposed to be power … but in this situation, all the knowledge I’ve gained has merely helped me to understand how and why things went down the way they did. Knowledge has not informed me how to move forward more effectively or even cope with what is, in actuality, a load of TOTALLY PREVENTABLE problems dumped into what used to be a life … mine.

    #3454
    dadda
    Participant

    My daughter (the youngest, who had her credit ruined) texted me the other day to tell me that $12,000 bills were removed from her credit. I was cautious at first, as I know that items may disappear while a dispute is in process, but she stopped by today and told me (and insisted to show me) that they were permanently removed. Haha, she told me I should dispute my bills. I explained to her that wouldn’t be right, because (and yes, even though most of them stem from my having to hire attorneys just to see them, in past, and to protect us more recently) integrity is important. Where she has a “moral right” as she was still in high school, our dependent … and the court recognizes a duty to support children attending college (though “of course” creditors don’t have to respect those court orders … but they give credence to orders of judgment and no rest to the weary!)

    Okay, I know nobody responded back yet but I encouraged myself in writing to others and reading their posts and of course the good news helps. Have you ever been in a situation where something was going on or being discussed and you are kind of waiting for (and of course, hoping) someone else to take the lead and address something? Just a general example, I was in (nursing) school and one of the students was complaining and criticizing the instructor, for putting questions on our exams “from the supplemental text”. I couldn’t take it and nobody else spoke up (and I am shaking every time because I hate it) I addressed the fact that we were going to be responsible for people’s LIVES and therefore, should know as much as possible and know it well. To me, it was sort of a no-brainer? Would any or have any of you felt like that in a situation and speak up or take action, even if it didn’t really change anything? There’s more, but I am still sorting some if it out and would also like to know about other people’s experiences, or if other people spoke up/acted, but you would have otherwise. Thanks!

    #3455
    dadda
    Participant

    I was reading some more threads here and read also the F & F cycle; I suppose I should have known “something” was going on and actually did, but at the time I figured out “something” was wrong (I had picked up the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and was identifying that as “my” experience), I was making plans to leave if necessary but did not (really) know where the problem was originating from. I used to work in a store, when the California Lottery started. I sold a LOT of tickets and maybe that is where I got the idea that gambling is pretty boring and a waste of money. When you sell people a hundred tickets and they only get a few wins, over and over, it doesn’t seem very attractive, or entertaining. I don’t think I have EVER bought a scratch ticket and probably about $10 or $15 dollars worth of Lotto drawing tickets over the last 30 years. I popped a set number of nickels and dimes into machines the two or three times I’ve ever been to Las Vegas. The first time I went was with my roommate, to “check it out”. The other times with my husband; to get married the first time and the second, I met up with him after he went to visit some high school friends.

    Recently, it’s hit me that we likely would still be married if I had just gone out and had affair and “minded my own business” and let him do his thing.

    When I look back at the fact that I had a breakdown after three months of terrorization (mostly by CG and his brother, also helped by his mother), it blows me away. On one hand, not so much, as I had been going to therapy. It had helped to the point where I had become more assertive and recognized that “I” couldn’t be the one making all accommodations, being understanding and so forth (there were health issues with CG ex and his father, so I was always requested to be exercising “restraint”). That did not work out, as apparently my new assertiveness (and the fact that I had tried to leave, once before, after a major fight over “nothing”) was seen as “threat” and steps were taken to not only make me seem a lunatic, but a criminal or potential criminal.

    Anyway, back when I was selling all those tickets in California, I never heard a word about gambling addiction … and even looking, there is still very little being talked about. Yet I can find enough in the news about the destruction and damage visited upon those that don’t share the addiction.

    There is now a tribal casino that is going to be opened here soon. There are some objections, but the main things I hear about are “community benefits” and “jobs”. I even contacted someone who is opposed to the casino and detailed some of my struggles, past and current. He had a former CG speak at one of their meetings, but didn’t seem too interested in what I have gone through or the struggles I have (still) no idea how to move past and overcome.

    I guess THAT remains one of my biggest frustrations. When I stood up and said, “I’ll stick with you, if you face this,” he made his decision. I could live with that. What I can’t “live with” is the FACT that it has been SO EASY for him to get past court orders, etc and I am left with the struggles, the possibility of losing car and so on … the GOVERNMENT being the enabler.

    I can’t find any stories in the news about the problems faced by the family members …and NOBODY is even bringing up the subject, in terms of this new casino opening up.

    More and more, I come to feel like I don’t exist, as I can be so easily brushed aside and (even) told “it’s your (my) problem”. I think of all the sacrifices I have made, without even realizing that much of the financial losses were due to gambling, NOT as I thought, the idiotic court battles. I think of month after month of busting my butt JUST to get through the month, and that just barely and the anger threatens to take hold.

    I remember reading that casinos could NEVER turn a profit, if they ONLY had non-CG customers … and fact is that our government runs gambling, and also “runs over” family members, leaving them to “bleed and die”, quite often, alone and without even the comfort of a caring person to hold their hand.

    I don’t reach out to others much, not much positive to report, most every day being just an exercise in “endurance”.

    It blows my mind … if an accident on a roller coaster (whatever) happens, it makes the news. But have something outrageous and TOTALLY PREVENTABLE (the damages) happen for some 20 years, now, nobody wants to hear about it, look into it and God forbid it should receive any attention. I’M the one with “the problem”? NO. I know better, now. Too bad it doesn’t matter …

    #3456
    dadda
    Participant

    I’ve gotten used to being blown off and ignored. Actually ironic; I only came on here tonight because my computer is (and has been) all screwed up. Can’t reinstall operating system because ex and his brother got my install discs, like nearly everything else I owned or worked for.SO I installed a different OS to another part of the computer and can’t get my passwords to import. Needed to pay a bill … every little thing, for so long, has been an ordeal.

    I’m angry and irritable because I am and have been exhausted for WAY TOO LONG. I called the suicide hotline a while back and ended getting hung up on. NO I don’t WANT to die, but I have no desire to get up to face another day where I don’t exist, unless someone wants money. Where the whole day is an unnecessary and unjust struggle and leads nowhere, anyway.

    #3457
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Dadda
    I am sorry you are feeling ignored.
    It might be that some members don’t know what to write to you because as I explained to you before discussion on legal disputes, the American legal system and PTSD are not within the remit of this site. This forum is about supporting those who are living with the unacceptable behaviour that comes from the addiction to gamble – standing up and taking action may possibly come much later when full recovery has taken place. Some of the people to whom you have posted will never respond as they no longer need the support offered here, they are not ignoring you but they are living their lives out of the shadow of the addiction and have no need to visit this forum; other members may not have read your posts yet. F&F can and do recover from the addiction to gamble so this forum is usually only used for a relatively short period in which to gain knowledge and the tools to cope – what members do with that knowledge is down to the individual but generally any reports we get back are positive.
    This site understands it’s responsibility to people’s lives, the staff know as much as possible about their subject and know it well, speaking up and taking action is being tackled by them every day.
    I appreciate that what I am saying is not giving you the answers that you want and for that I apologise. It is terrible that there is not enough knowledge being publicised so that people can protect themselves from the addiction to gamble and we can only hope things will change in the future but I’m afraid I cannot help you with most of the situations that you are describing, and the rebuffs you are receiving.
    I can’t remember what your experience was with Gamanon but in my opinion it is good to physically share with others who are experiencing the same nightmare – the things that are particular to the area in which you live. I believe that counsellors and therapists can support but that not all of them are as clued up as they need to be – but if this is the case then it is best to change to another, likewise if the Gamanon group you first try is not offering you what you want, try another.
    Sadly there will never be a day when someone doesn’t want money and unjust struggles are not common. I understand your frustration but I still hear a lot of anger in your posts which leads me to feel you are not looking after yourself first.
    You are being heard Dadda – take care of ‘you’.
    Velvet

    #3458
    LostandDespair
    Participant

    I only have a few short minutes and just wanted to let you know Dadda that I read your heartbreaking story, hugs to you. It is astounding what destruction the CG can cause and just by reading your story I can tell what a strong person you are even if you don’t always feel like you are.

    #3459
    dadda
    Participant

    First, I just want to say that I am not expecting anyone to give me any legal (or treatment) advice. I’m saying that in a completely non-emotional way, because I know there are differences in national (and even here, state) laws and procedures. Also, as I well know, here is the U.S., people can get in trouble for “practicing without a license” both law and medicine.

    Mostly, I am just writing what is or has been going on and responses to the events. I think Velvet, a while back you said something to me about doing too much research. I could go back and find it, but what I do want to say is this: when I was married and the CG filed for the divorce the first time (1998), he had the divorce papers filled out a month before he filed them. He filed them after having forced me to a mental hospital for being “homicidal” (I remember he said “you used the word” – kill – and thereby justified his actions. I had walked into MY house and the pastor (of the church we were both members of) was there, supposedly for “safe passage”. I was going to pick up some things and stay at a friend’s house with my daughters for a few days. I’d already made arrangements. I had called the police several times for a “stand-by” but they kept putting me off, telling me it would be several hours. I was tired and my daughters were supposed to be in school the next day. We had been separated by police a couple days before (after arguing in public; I had told him I wasn’t driving back home if he was going to continue yelling at me) and I had not been home since. When I walked back into my house the first time since the argument, I first handed my (ex)husband and the pastor a drink; I had bought them on the way back to the house. There were no vehicles in the drive to warn me that anyone else might be there. All of a sudden, my (ex)husband’s brother came “swooping” out of hiding in the kitchen, grabbed our daughters and took off out the front door. I walked into the kitchen and realized the phone was GONE and simultaneously realized I was out “in the middle of nowhere” with three guys who very obviously DID NOT have my “best interests” in mind. I guess it was instinctive, to give my mind a moment, because the pastor and (ex) were in front of me; I grabbed a picture off the wall, smashed it on the floor and told the pastor, “someone ought to kill you”. It was purely metaphorical (statement) but I felt utterly betrayed as well as scared. They could have killed me and nobody would even have known. Anyway, the next three months resulted in terrorization that culminated in my having a breakdown, followed by five years of being misdiagnosed.

    I actually had to do a lot of research or I might still be “back where I was” and maybe not even knowing about the gambling. I might be taking little pills for a “disease” I didn’t have.

    That shocks me and sometimes even can cause me to “fall back” into emotional shock, as can the realization that HAD I KNOWN, when I was being dragged into court, time and time again after we were divorced, that the day (ex) was supposed to be in court, he was ACTUALLY in an out of state casino, I WOULD NEVER have HAD to go back to be able to spend time with my children on a regular basis. I went back because I figured that if I was being affected by all the stress (and which I hadn’t anticipated, when I gave him the divorce he so obviously wanted), it HAD to be harder for our children. I didn’t know about the gambling then, and didn’t learn about it until after he filed for divorce, about 5 years after I returned. That causes me a great deal of grief, as I had redeveloped a career and I had to handle situations (even without the knowledge of gambling) that should not have been going on, because I realized I couldn’t “trust the system”.

    Had I not done all the research, I wouldn’t have “figured things out”. I KNOW that what you said wasn’t meant as a “slam” or negatively, Velvet. 🙂

    I had hoped, when I did find out about the gambling, that he would choose to face himself. I come from a faith basis and I told him “God didn’t bring us this far to drop us off a cliff”. I also didn’t think that I needed to “know” everything; I told him most of it was between him and God. Also that if we were both right with Him and with one another, there was no problem we couldn’t get past. That it didn’t mean it would be easy, just that it would happen. I also don’t know that I would have come back (same, as he had INSISTED that he loved me and WANTED to be married to me) in the same way, if it meant our daughters were going to go through this same betrayal, the divorce of their parents, all over again.

    I honestly, during that first three months (of terrorization), didn’t understand WHAT was going on. It was years before I realized that I had (have) never experienced the CRUELTY I was subjected to those months. I was sent to a women’s shelter, where I kept being told “he is going to kill you” and I was terrified to spend ANY time in our house, because I was having horrible visual panic attacks that involved my ex and (our) friends taking me out to the woods behind the house and ripping my heart out of my body while I was still alive. The panic attacks were never diagnosed, I figured out what they were and learned to get through them on my own, but that took a long time.

    I try to read others’ threads when I come on here (I know I’m not a “regular”) and it does help, but it is also disheartening. I recognize what they say, “having to be parent” to a spouse … I can remember when I met him, that was the ONLY thing that bothered me; he reminded me of “someone’s little brother” and I had grown up being the oldest and always held to account when my brothers went astray (I was the oldest, supposed to set a good example … haha … I can remember always wondering WHERE I was supposed to get this for my own use!).

    There actually aren’t any Gam-anon meetings within 100 miles of where I am. I have called their lines in past a couple times, even so, it is hard to get hold of anyone. However, one of the things that sticks with me is the woman who I talked with who told me that if someone addicted to drugs spent and used what CGs do, they’d be dead. Sometimes it hits me that if I hadn’t pointed out that (new) spot of gangrene on his foot, that his girlfriend nurse had obviously missed … he might be dead and I (and our daughters) might not have had to again go through unrelieved hell. I can’t help but wonder if it would have been “wiser” to have just gotten out and explained to my daughters later. But I truly believe, having read so much here and what I know, that very likely, my daughters would be paying daddy’s bills today, doing his housework and so on …. they are on their one, one married and both with good, career oriented jobs. They have seen some of the wrongs that CG leads to, coming from their father and (one more so than the other) we have had some discussions as a result. I can’t tell them what to do, but they have some warnings and can make decisions without being under either of our thumbs … which to me is “how it should be”. My own view of parenting is that a parent is responsible to raise their child(ren) to be able to navigate through adulthood successfully; whether they then choose to or not is up to them. By the same token, I realize, especially now, that disordered parents will not, they will foster false dependencies and use emotional strategies to fill their own needs, in an unhealthy way.

    #3460
    dadda
    Participant

    I want to sat that I appreciate both your responses. I feel so lost and alone. What REALLY hurts is the knowledge that “I didn’t do anything wrong” and yet, almost six years AFTER he filed for divorce, I can’t even get my feet back on solid ground (have you ever heard that victims are often revictimized? It seems true and it’s horrendous when it is “the system” – who is getting benefit of the gambling proceeds – doing the revictimizing!). My (ex) and his brother managed to even make profit while I struggle, month after month, just to get through. The other night, I was almost attacked and I know that for fact. I’ve been angry since, because NO i would not be out at night collecting cans, especially “on the wrong side of town” but other than committing crimes, I can’t think of any other ways to get some money that isn’t in danger of being confiscated. I’m angry at myself, for being human, rather than just being able to get cans forever until I have enough to get out of this mess. Then, on the few occasions that I have to catch up with “news” I read about the new casino and NOT A WORD about how family is affected … but the same council JUST outlawed all public smoking even in bars (BUT NOT CASINOS) because of the dangers TO OTHERS. I know it’s hypocrisy. And yes, I guess I think to myself that “I’m not the only one” but I sometimes can’t help but wonder where the others – affected like me – are. I know some are on here, posting, from all across the world. I just found an article that this state is in 50th (of 50) place for addressing CG. Sometimes I figure the pain and all else will be worth it if I can EVER get someone to listen. I don’t know what else to do??? As for taking care of myself, NO … I can’t. I don’t have the luxuries of time, peace of mind and money. It’s been about five years since I had a hair cut or been able to get glasses (and my old one are lost). Because I WAS (and am) “responsible” I don’t qualify for “help” and I should not be on disability; I mean that I should be able to get off it. But how, when I don’t have the space to figure out a way to get a decent job, unjeopardized by all the unnecessary financial devastation.

    One of the things I found out (rediscovered) was that I was put through extensive batteries of intelligence and mental tests as a child; I was then sent to a school for gifted. That’s helped explain to me the “need” to figure out what’s going on. look for solutions and even fuels my need to find someone to help put this “out there”. I recognize that fraud IS a crime, and while I don’t ever expect to see any of my own assets again, it galls me that (ex)cg and his brother (indications he may also have problems) were able to commit fraud, assisted by the courts. I’m certain that my daughters, despite doing well, still have “baggage” that will need dealt with sometime. But for these two people to make a profit, criminally, while we have suffered the injustices … I can’t take that. I realize that I might not be able to do anything, but I can try, WHEN I can. I’ve taken to watching a lot of crime tv, when I’m stripping wires or whatever, to make income and I find parallels. I also get some courage and fortitude from learning that there ARE people who care and have resources to do what I can’t, from my position. And if ever I can just find one of those, it may be that could help all of us, including CGs because as I have read, the industry COULD NOT be profitable, without them … and of course, the assets that they pump into it, which are not their own. Not asking for help on that either, though if anyone wants to cheer on my efforts, that’d be great for morale!

    Mostly, I don’t EVER want to be so bottled up that I make my daughters feel responsible for the problems that have come about through my exercising what I have seen as my duty as their parent, though I CAN honestly say that without children, I would never have gone back to an abusive partner, because that had ALWAYS been the end, previously. So if I come on here, I’m not thinking what to say in terms of looking for suggestions, because I see things are the same, though different degrees, in every country that has legalized gambling. I just can’t see, from the way my mind works, why “we” should be penalized and put under so many duties when we didn’t create the problems nor profit from them …. and no, I am not needing answers there. I already have that part pretty much figured out.

    Yes, I was feeling ignored on one hand yet while realizing on the other that (here) it is holiday weekend, also that most other people have far more than their fair share to do. I figured I would just post anyway … and I did similar in therapy this week (and I only had fifteen minute session as I overslept) and just ranted … while realizing that it is ONLY because I am still l forced to “cope with” MORE THAN ONE PERSON can.

    #3461
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Dadda

    I believe that the best way to go forward is to leave the past behind but I appreciate that you feel that the past is affecting you today and will carry on affecting you tomorrow. I would imagine that all those who have had the addiction to gamble in their lives will have suffered financial loss and I know that lives are altered by the financial loss as well as the emotional. Gambling throws money away that is never to be seen again and no amount of ‘if onlys or what ifs’ will make a scrap of difference.
    I believe that counselling, medication and/or time is the answer for your horrendous panic attacks – for me it was time and Gamanon where I spoke to those who understood my experience.
    I appreciate that many people research into the things that have affected them and that that this is the way you are trying to deal with your situation –it is the path that I eventually took. The more I read your posts, however, the more I am wondering if the research you have gone into isn’t misleading you because in my view, your ex-husband’s gambling appears to be only part of his problem. We have a large CG community here who have accepted their addiction and whom I would imagine must struggle to see themselves in your posts – the violence and the sort of abuse you received is not usual. I am sure your CG cannot expect to get further enablement from you – enablement is usually the sole purpose for a CG to keep any sort of inter-active relationship alive and your relationship is over.
    You have had words of thanks for your support in other threads so you are definitely not being ignored but your own thread makes for difficult reading and therefore replies are possibly less likely.
    I am sincerely glad that you know that I am not trying to slam you or be negative – I am here only to support.
    I don’t know if you have ever read the following words which are in the Gamanon handbook and which spoke to me when I was struggling for answers. Maybe they will help
    YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

    There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
    One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
    The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
    Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
    This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    I really hope you will find your answers and find the peace of mind that you deserve.
    Velvet

    #3462
    dadda
    Participant

    Hi, Velvet! First off, I want to say that I am merely GLAD that I can come on here and be honest, no matter the “stuff” that is roiling through my mind. I have recently had some pretty negative “venting” in therapy and although I don’t think venting is therapeutic, in some situations there isn’t much else one can do, at least for the moment.

    I woke up wiped out today. Yesterday being the fifth, and I was still $2 short for making the rent. I “could” take out a payday loan, but then that is $30 more to get the $2 … suffice it to say, I finally was able to make the $2 and then a little extra, thankfully, because that is all the money until another week and a few days go by.

    I want to reply a bit more, but need to get some things done. Nevertheless, I want to let you know I saw and appreciate your reply. Thanks!

    #3463
    dadda
    Participant

    So, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces of what used to be a life. I’m the one being punished and penalized, for someone else’s “habit” while they go on, having profited yet again, while leaving me stomped.

    I got a notice from the court. The attorney who supposedly represented me in divorce is FORCING me to drive 40 miles (one way) on a suspended license because I have to show what assets I might have that she can seize. I got nothing in the divorce; my children and I even lost all of our possessions.

    This is a double whammy for me, because the atty REFUSED to file anything to ensure the divorce decree was complied with. Between the hearing and the issuance of the decree, I discovered that he (ex) was in a casino when he was supposed to be in court (we were divorced at that time and he said I was abusing our children and needed restriction/supervision).

    I’ve been plowing through, as I can, to figure out HOW to cope and solve the legal issues resulting from what has happened since I was thrown out of the house with nothing (his brother bought the house in a fraud, making them well over $100k profit).

    Anyway, I’ve been figuring things out, but this really gets PTSD going again. I can’t help but think that if I had just given in to his DEMANDS, I wouldn’t be so badly off.

    The “best” part is that I HAVE NOTHING; I am exempt. But apparently, I still have to waste my time, gas and take the risk of illegally driving … to satisfy the vulture attorney summons. The attorney made out already … and over 1/3 is finance charges … and the fees were supposed to come out of the sale of the house. But when I was trying to deal with the (engineered) foreclosure and my father dying, I was asked to sign a paper.

    I suppose my solace will be looking the attorney in the face and saying, “Sorry; thanks to your efforts I have nothing attachable (four years post decree).” And then go on, facing forward.

    #3464
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Daddda
    I can hear the pain in your words but much as I want to give you solace I am stuck, as always, by the fact I cannot comment on US law or fraud or PTSD.
    I went through a horrendous divorce years ago and I know what it is like not to have the law making the sense it should make – I too was left with nothing and three very small children.
    It is only taking one day at a time that got me through and some days were much blacker than others.
    Your court case and its outcome do seem to represent a miscarriage of justice and I had a similar experience but it still doesn’t make me qualified to give you the support that you so obviously need. Even saying ‘face forward’ doesn’t offer anything in practical support.
    I sincerely hope you can now pick up the pieces and determine the way you want your life to go from now without interference from others.
    Take care of yourself
    Velvet

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