27 September 2013 at 6:00 pm #2769
Thank you Monique for all your love and support. I know we don’t “know” each other, but I have received so much love and support from this site that it is quite ironic that the “real” people in my life have NO CLUE what is going on. What does that say about the people in my life??
I am having a hard time hanging on – Still trying to decide what is best to do – My husband is going to therapy 2x a week soon to be 3x with a CBT therapist. He has still continued to ly to me – that is the hardest part – WHY WHY does he have to ly? I guess he is afraid..HE is trying to control the money I have in my own name – trying to hack passwords and gain access to that a******* He says he was worried I would use this money to go to a lawyer and divorce him – I explained that doing this and lying about it make that even more likely instead of just talking to me about it! And since he has his sex addiction problem we have not been intimate and now he is getting angry at me for this – How can he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he li*es to me and is still so messed up?? How can I even trust him again?? I can’t even sleep in the same bed with him bc of his issues… I feel SO SAD..I really feel like I am depressed and I am not the type of person that gives into things – I am a fighter – in all ways (I train as a fighter Mixed Martial Arts) but yet this area – the main area of my life – is so messed up and I have no control over what he will do – ANd it makes me so sad that I am having a hard time functioning. I feel so pathetic – so many other people have worse in their lives yet I sit here feeling useless.. Why can’t I just shake this off?? Why can’t I stop crying???
I feel like I am waiting – waiting for something to happen – but mean while my life is passing me by …punctuated by homework, kids multiple after school lessons, dinner, food shopping, working out, cleaning, etc…and still this distance with my husband – separate beds, separate lives.. He keeps saying “I love you” and “I want to take you out to ______” but he never does anything about it…more empty promises. And all I get is a large angry man who is blaming me for not wanting to be intimate with him! Like this is my fault!!!
Can anyone else relate to this?? Most of the time I feel like I am going crazy – sad and crazy – I am trying to be there for my kids but wish there was something I could do for myself – All I want is to disappear – I have thought about suicide more time than I can cownt but I would never do that to my kids – and leave them with their Dad?? Yikes!
If anyone has advise, suggestions, words of wisdom, something, anything… I really am at the rend of my rope it seems..
M27 September 2013 at 6:32 pm #2770san250Participant
Sending you a huge cyber (((hug))). Take a huge breath in and out again. Breathe deep and slowly :). To me you sound like you need some time out. Is there anywhere you can go? Family, friends, a hotel, for a couple of days just to recharge, have some space? I’ve mentioned about my ex husband before and although he wasn’t a gambler, what you are describing is exactly where I was. The ‘problem’ was so immense it had to be broken down in stages. While he was going through ‘his’ therapy, I stood by him and made myself ill. I took myself off for a week, just me, to an old friend in a different country and I was able to get some breathing space. I won’t ***, its not easy. But once I had accepted it was not going to change without something drastic happening (he moved out) then things started to change. I went through 18 months of therapy, his, ours and mine, sleeping in different rooms, leading separate lives, trying to make it work. I strongly urge you to get some support for yourself, a close friend, a family doctor perhaps. We are all here for you. Take care. San x27 September 2013 at 7:24 pm #2771moniqueParticipant
Like San, I get the feeling, as I read your post, that you really need support for YOURSELF. I cannot ‘diagnose’ and am not trying to, but I get a real feeling of depression and effects of stress from what your write. I hope you are feeling helped by off-loading a bit here and knowing that others are concerned for you. It would be great if you can have some local help too, of some depth and understanding.
Can you find small ways to ‘reclaim’ your own identity in all this and affirmation of your own worth and of the importance of your own requirements in life? Your husband sounds very controlling and you have given so much of yourself to the family – I fear you getting ‘lost’ in it all.
But you have experiences to build on and an inner strength yet to tap to the full. You say you are ‘waiting for something to happen’ – is it possible for you to MAKE something happen? – no matter how small at first?
I don’t want this to sound like another ‘demand’ for you to cope with but an encouragement to find one thing you want and make it happen soon to encourage you forward and hopefully lift your spirits a little.
Holding you in mind.
Monique29 September 2013 at 12:42 am #2772
I am concerned that I might be repeating myself but I am sorry I am trying to catch up and don’t have time to look back. Unfortunately the new site has not learned that asterisks are not necessary for the letters ‘l i e’ so I have edited and hopefully this post will make sense.
You ask ‘WHY WHY does he have to l i e?’ It all starts, I bel ie ve, because the CG is emotionally immature. Like a child, when your husband was caught out in bad behaviour he would have l ie d to cover for something he had done but did not understand. It is quite likely that the person to whom he l ied backed off because the l i es were so extreme, unnecessary and imaginative. The CG’s inability to reason and rationalise causes them to use l i es again as a coping mechanism – how else can they explain the irrational. This goes on and on until it becomes the norm for the CG. After years the CG has no memory that is a true memory, their memory is all wrapped up and encased in a mesh of l i es. The CG’s l i es become their truth.
However, knowing all this will not help you stop crying. I do relate to your feeling of going crazy, I can relate to everything you have described. I know you are not crazy and you are not pathetic but I know how vivid these feelings are to you and I bel i eve that ‘you’ need physical support. It is amazing how long the rope is, even when you feel that you have been dangling on the end of it for as long as you can remember, just dangling there is enough to destroy your confidence.
I think that San’s suggestion of a break for you is good, cutting the rope and allowing yourself some space – is it difficult with your children?
In my opinion, your husband is not responding as he should and I am not surprised you have a problem with intimacy.
Have you seen anything positive coming out of his visits to therapists?
Sometimes Madge, estrangement is the only way forward but I am not suggesting that is definitely so for you. It is important, I think, that you have time and space to think quietly what it is that you want. You are not being given that time living in the middle of your husband’s addiction; I suspect you are only hearing white noise. It might be that your husband does not truly want to change his life, if might be that he cannot. It might even be that unwittingly and through no fault of your own, you are cushioning him against changing his life – a break from the intensity would help.
I appreciate the depth you feel at, at the moment and the feeling of being unable to function properly. I hope it helps to know that others have been where you are now and they are there no longer. Try and make it possible for ‘you’ to have the chance to think. You can do it Madge. The Mixed Martial Arts fighter is there. Dig deep and make a push towards freeing you up.
You can do it
V3 October 2013 at 7:35 pm #2773
Hi – Ive been trying to respond a million times but am always waylaid by something…I want to say few things: Yes, I feel better and thank you San for the suggestion to get away for a few days and Monique for doing something just for myself. I agree I am battling some depression given this whole situation, but am working on it.
And something DID happen! I hurt myself by accident- I dropped a heavy decoration on my foot and ruptured the tendons ligaments. I couldn’t walk, was on crutches, etc. But it turned out to be such a blessing – My husband (who usually does nothing ) started to do everything! I was literally in bed, unable to move and he did everything! Took care of kids, drove them everywhere (which is no small feat as we live in the booni es) and took care of me! It was wonderful! And it was this time, 3 days or so, that I had totally to myself – I couln’d go anywhere or do anything, but it was good – just time for me , not to worry about anyone else. I had this time to recharge and think about what I wanted to do – SO- I decided to take a class i have been putting off for 5 years or so. I really feel like I need something for me and am so excited I will be doing it! My husband’s CBT therapy seems to really be helping him – I am cautious, but he is sharing with me and talking to me about things like he hasn’t in maybe forever. We’ll see if it lasts as I am not going to bite just yet, but happy at least he seems committed and working on his stuff.
And I am happy – happy I have had this time to reflect, happy I am doing something for myself and happy I was *forced* to stay in bed and take care of myself – I never thought Id be so happy to NOT be able to walk, but it was a blessing in disguise. I am still wearing a boot, but mostly off crutches. And feeling better about me.
Thank you all for you love and support. I carry you all around with me in my thoughts…You all are a blessing to me as well..
M10 October 2013 at 10:15 am #2774
I am glad you got the care and attention you deserved – it almost makes dropping the decoration worthwhile although I am not sure about the pain from the ruptured ligaments.
How are things now you are hopefully totally off crutches and boot-free? Is your husband still co-operating more with the home?
I am hoping that the damn that the CBT has helped to breach is still allowing your husband to let his feelings and worries out. It is astounding how much a person can keep inside them festering away without realising it is happening. I believe that CBT is an amazing tool.
It is great to see you say you are ‘happy’ as I suspect it is a feeling that you felt was denied to you.
I look forward to further updates but hopefully no more accidents.
V16 October 2013 at 5:22 pm #2775adeleParticipant
Thank you Madge
Permalink Submitted by adele on Sun, 10/13/2013 – 20:23
Thank you for your concern and for posting here. I am feeling much better now, physically and emotionally thankfully.
I think your term “empathy fatigue” is fitting. After being guarded with my feelings for my husband for so long, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of emotional stuff left…
I have been following your thread with interest, empathy and sympathy since you first began posting here. Your situation is so complex – I think I have felt inept to respond with anything that would have been helpful. I am so glad you have gotten such great replies from others.
You have done exceptionally well in making yourself aware of your husband’s gambling addiction in addition to his other issues – all the while maintaining a level of normalcy for your children. This is no small feat Madge – you may not feel it, but you have shown tremendous strength in all that you have been through.
We have had some interesting and unexpected interventions (you dropping the decoration on your foot and my husband’s rollover) that put a twist in both our recoveries and our CG’s recoveries haven’t we? I am interested in hearing how things are going with you since you (I assume) have been back on your feet.
I hope you will post soon and continue to explore and share your experiences here. It makes such a difference for me when I post regularly.
Adele16 October 2013 at 10:40 pm #2776
Thank you to Velvet for your support. And Adele – I was truly touched by your post. You are of course not inadequate to reply to all my issues – we all in some ways are going thru the same thing, to different extents. I also feel that since the new site opened people have been dropping off – sometimes I think I am posting to the nether-world and that no one hears me..that is sad. I am happy when I see someone saw my post and knows I am still here….
How am I doing? Well, my foot is better, but I am still sad. I resonate with something you said about empathy fatigue and feeling empty-ish inside. For the 1st time in my marriage (20 years) I don’t know if I love my husband anymore…I feel sort of numb inside. Now I don’t know if that is because all the trauma we have been thru, how I don’t know if or when Ill ever be able to trust him, or if I just plain don’t love him anymore. I even told him I found myself wishing I could meet someone else. That is horrible I guess, but I look around and see other people and imagine that they don’t carry the huge burden that my husband does….I am not sure what to do with all of these feelings…
My husband has been trying hard and seems to be more connected to feeling empathy for me – but most nights its rush rush rush with the kids, then by the time it is 1030, 11pm he walks off to “his” bedroom, saying “goodnight”. Most of our conversations are housekeeping – who is taking what kid where and when, etc…. We are almost like strangers now…I feel sad but dont know what to do. He is in therapy 3x a week, goes to meetings semi-regularily (although he says they dont help him). I think we would benefit from couples counseling but honestly i feel burnt out from all our YEARS of counseling and dont know if I have it in me to start over and tell our story again….I also could benefit to talk to someone but wasn’t thrilled with my last therapist and dont have the energy to look for another one.
The other thing I notice is I have no patience – I snap at my kids all the time! I hate it! I guess I am frustrated bc I am so unhappy – I feel like I spend every waking moment doing something for someone else *something I hate* – even when I work out (which is often for hours) I feel like it is not for me – I do it because I HAVE to (so Im not fat), not because I want to. I dont want to be this impatient unhappy person – but my life seems like such a burden now – hours and hours, days and days of just enduring – no wonder all I want to do is sleep.
Thank you Adele for the kind words – but I am not sure how “strong” I am – I am not sure I am worthy of your praise. – maybe I am just stupid – stupid to stay with this man after all he has done to me, stupid to believe him over and over just for him to lie to me again, maybe I am just stupid and weak….and that is a horrible sad thought…
Well, better run. Kid #3 waiting. Adele I hope you are caring for yourself during the time of your husbands convalescing – it is SO easy to get caught up in taking care of someone else…
I do feel better when i post – I feel even better knowing someone *out there* hears me….
Thank you to all my GT friends – you have no idea how important your support is in my life.
M16 October 2013 at 11:22 pm #2777
The times I have heard members call themselves stupid and I have searched their posts for proof and found none. The addiction makes us feel inadequate but that is because it crept up on gradually and took away our confidence without us realising it but it didn’t make any of us stupid.
Tomorrow at 2100 hours UK time, Adele and I will be sitting in the comfort of the cyber group room and we will hope to see you come through the door. Talking does help. You don’t need to start from the beginning with us. We can talk about the feelings you might have, or even that you might have lost, without recourse to dig into the whys and wherefores. We can start with how you feel today because today matters.
For a short time lay your burden down and don’t just endure time passing. I cannot ‘know’ if you have fallen out of love with your husband just as I didn’t know whether I had fallen out of love with my CG a few years ago but if we share with each other, knowing that we understand each other, I like to think you might feel stronger. We are anonymous and can therefore examine our hearts without feeling judged.
There is always someone here listening to you Madge. ‘You’ are important.
I am glad you wrote you post – you have been in my thoughts
V17 October 2013 at 1:33 am #2778
Thank you Velvet for your loving response – I so wish I could be in the group tomorrow. My daughter has her psychiatrist appt at 4pm (EST – which I think is 2100 UK time). Something I can’t miss. I wish there was another time I could make it to group – I will check the group chart. I long to discuss these issues with people who understand – I really need to – To be heard and understood is very therapeutic, as you know.
Thank you for hearing me, for being there for me. This illness is sooo confusing – I do feel stupid in so many ways but wonder how I allowed it to happen? It happened because I trusted my husband – that doesn’t make me stupid, does it? I don’t know anymore….Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice….
I will try and come to a group asap – I miss “talking”.. I need to ..
Please keep me in your prayers as I will you in mine.
M17 October 2013 at 2:09 am #2779veraParticipant
Would you consider taking some time out fro what comes across as a very stressful situation and let hubby take over for a week or two.
Book a hotel with a friend/sister and just switch off.
Looking back on times when my kids were young, I would snap at them when I was tired and annoyed. Then I would feel guilty and overcompensate. Then I would blame their father for my bad mood and he would blame me for their bad behaviour and looking back a lot of this could have been avoided if I had taken a step back….I always felt the place would fall asunder if I left for a break but the truth was it was falling asunder when I was there….I’m not blaming or judging you in any way Madge, just remembering whrn my kids were that age. They are in their 2o’s now They dont come home unless I threaten or bribe or use emotional blackmail on them. That scares me! The house my husband built is empty ! Why ? Because its not a home! Why? Because I created dysfunctional situations which later gave me an excuse to run to the casino to escape from the sadness/madness that seemed to get worse as the years went on.
I feel guilty now because MAYBE if I had removed myself more often from the firing line, I would not now be the scapegoat for my youngest son’s unruly behaviour ( which he tells everyone was caused by an overcontrolling mother), my middle son’s sloth (he has an honours degree in architecture and won’t even look for a job) , my daughter’s absence ( she moved to Sydney and will never contact her parent unless I chase her up, and when she comes home we always end up sparring and it’s ALWAYS my fault…..
If I had to do it all over again it would be different. Like you I was overwhelmed trying to be “all things to all men” and at the end of it all, I ended up escaping to casinos to torture myself….
Excuse the rant Madge…..All Im saying is TAKE A BREAK. It will do you the world of good.23 October 2013 at 11:55 am #2780
I am not sure how your time ties in with UK time but have a look at the top of the F&F family forum page for details of how to get into groups – the topic is called ‘Groups’.
You didn’t ‘allow’ what has happened to happen deliberately – how could you know that which the addiction never wanted you to know. If it happened, just because we trusted, this would be a sorrier world than it is now. Of course we should be able to trust. I could not c ount the times the addiction fooled me but I know I am not stupid and you will come to really believe that given time, understanding and knowledge.
Please forget the idea that because you were (and are still strong, even if you don’t feel it), this should not have happened to you. I think the stronger and more confident you were before the addiction hit your life, the greater the problem you have in accepting that there was nothing you could do that would have made any difference. The good bit has to be, surely that, knowing you were confident and strong before, your strength and confidence will still be there if you dig for it.
I am concerned that you do things that you hate. Why you are doing them? It sounds as though you are punishing yourself by working out far too much and yet there is no need for you to be punished – you have done nothing wrong. Can you tell me why you feel you deserve such treatment?
You are indeed in my prayers and when we say the Serenity Prayer every week on Tuesdays at 21.55-22.00 hours UK time I hope you know you are included in the circle.
I do hope we speak soon. Vera’s story is not yours. ‘What ifs’ and ‘if only’ can never be part of the recovery for F&F. Today is what matters and I hope today you can tell me something that you have done for yourself that you wanted to do.
V23 October 2013 at 5:54 pm #2781
Dear Vera and Velvet – thank you both for taking the time to write me – I really lifts me up to know others UNDERSTAND what is going on…
Vera- I did think about your post alot and did take some time to myself with girlfriends and just setting limits with my kids – I try to be “everything to everyone” (a favorite son of mine by Everclear!) and you know that doesn’t work. Just wears me out.
I am being more conscious of carving out those times for me, to just be happy.
After I read your post I was sad – I am trying to figure out why – I guess partially because you are right – right that I feel like ” it happened, just because I trusted” that somehow my trust allowed him to get away with what he got away with for so long. My trust made it possible for him to deceive me – so somehow it is my trusting’s fault..if that makes any sense. I feel dumb and bad that I trusted him. Logically I know it’s not my “fault” but I somehow feel duped by him, his addiction. Every time I look at a picture of us in the past I think “oh, that is when he was lying to me” like this addiction has destroyed all my happy memories..I look at his smiling face in the picture and think “he was deceiving me right then! How could he do that???” That makes me sad…
I also think I am sad bc your post reminded me of all that is – Luckily for me, my CG has been away on business for a few days and its been great to not have him here. To not be reminded of all that is broken in my life. Your post reminded me but I guess its just as well since he gets back tonight. It was nice not to think about it for a while…really nice…
What have I done for myself today? I don’t know..I guess I reminded myself that everything has a time limit – for everyone – not just me. Kids grow up, people move into different phases of their life and no matter how much we dont want it, everything changes..some how that gave me comfort. I guess to be in the moment – appreciate the time with my kids instead of looking at it as a grind, appreciating the fall leaves and color, before the cold winter..it’s the season, turn turn turn…
I don’t know how I’ll be when he returns tonight – I wish he was gone longer – And I will try and make the groups if I can – I think those times are not good for me here, EST.
Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers – I do believe they help even though I am not religious – we are all connected…please continue to keep me in mind in the Serenity circle
M24 October 2013 at 1:15 pm #2782
It didn’t happen ‘because’ you trusted – it happened because your husband has an addiction that he neither wanted nor asked for any more than you. Yes we trust because until something happens to break trust that is what we do when we love someone.
Don’t let his addiction spoil your happy memories; don’t let it take away that which was possibly true. He smiled because he wanted to feel and be ‘normal’, not everything is a deceit.
I am sorry that I broke into a time when you were trying to be happy and reminded you of that which you wish to forget. There will come a time when you can forget and be the person you want to be without effort, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here. It is my belief we can bury the problem but at some time, if we want to be forever free, we have to face it. You were still looking at this forum for you to be able to see my posts which says you are still looking for ‘your’ answer and you are not burying the problem. Keep talking, keep learning, the more knowledge you acquire the more ready you will be to make ‘your’ informed decision, the one that you will ultimately be happy with.
To be able to live in the moment is a gift that is even more precious for having lived through a bad experience. You already know the things you want to appreciate and you can make them happen. Spend time watching those leaves fall; make a point of enjoying your children, don’t let them be a grind. Nothing is too late.6 November 2013 at 8:51 pm #2783
Hi Velvet and all. Sorry to have been away. Been busy with birthdays (mine and my youngest), sports, halloween and the like – good busy –
But still the gnawing of that **feeling** feeling of what is really real and what isn’t. My Cg and I went out for dinner for my bday last nite and it is so hard to “be happy” with him. I feel like I am always looking for the untruths or reasons why I can’t trust him. He says he hasn’t gambled in 90 days – how do I know if this is true? He says his therapist says he is not a CG but more a compulsive liar..great..either way is bad for me. We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore which makes me feel sad. Without going into detail, part of his sex addiction was trying to do inappropriate things to me while I was asleep without my consent – sick, I know. Hence the separate beds. But when he is awake and with me he is this sweet, kind generous man – when we are alone at night in bed he turned into this monster – He said he did it to get back at me for things he was mad about and couldn’t talk to me about. It happened repeatedly despite his pleadings that he wouldn’t do it anymore…. SO, if he has lied so long about this, I have no way of knowing if he still lies about gambling or anything else. …..I hope this was not too off topic, but needed to put it out there to help people understand all I am dealing with. It is the trust – how can I trust he’s not gaming? How can I trust he won’t attack me in my sleep?? Once he leaves the house I honestly have no idea where he goes, what he does and I don’t believe anything he says. How can I give my heart back to a man I don’t trust?? How can I ever trust him again?? Will I ever be able to trust him again??
I want to move on, I want to trust, I WANT it to be better. But I don’t know how?? Any ideas???
Sorry to make this quick (Ill write more later) – didn’t want you to think I disappeared..Off to gym before I get kids…
Pray for me ..Im not sure what else is left..
Love to you all
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