21 April 2014 at 1:43 am #2844
Dear friends –
Oh how I have so very very often thought of you all….
Sorry I have been too busy to update…it has been up and down…
I can’t even remember where I left off…our trip was actually good. My CG behaved himself after we had a long talk about what was going on and how we needed him to be “fun” and not destructive…He was fun and we all had a good time! I was so happy as was my daughter! She competes as an equestrian and had a wonderful show and her dad was present…it was great!
He has been great overall… He had what I call a slip (he doesn’t of course) when he was on travel – he told me he played a computer blackjack game “for 5 hands only” while on the plane. He still went to GA and collected his 9 month sober keyring.. I told him I didn’t think that he could count 9 months because of the slip but he didn’t listen of course….
So, he has been good TIL this weekend….
I noticed he was acting weird and obsessed with work…then last night at 1:30 am he gather his clothes up (he sleeps in another room from me because of his sex addition) and as I follow him to the other room tells me he is going to work at 5am! Easter Sunday??? he knew we had plans with the kids and he was all “oh, Ill be home for our plans”… as we argued into the night he admitted he is in a bad place and is self destructive and he feels like a failure etc….Some of this behavior might be related to his Bi polar (he does weird things and gets wound up when his meds are needing adjustment…) and I have seen him this way before..but regardless in my fear I found myself running around the house hiding all the car keys and his wallet so he couldn’t leave…who knows if he was really going to work or if he was going to casino but I didn’t want him ruining our day… I felt like a fool as I ran around at now 330 am hiding keys in the freezer but I was determined to have him home…I know that I was probably wrong, that I should just let him do as he will, but I just wanted him home..
He was so sad admitting how screwed up he is and how he is in a bad place and how he feels like a failure ..I feel bad for him…But I told him he wasn’t going to take me down with him, that no matter what I will take care of myself and my kids.
I am trying to take care of myself – I am now training Brazilian Jujitsu 6 hrs a week along with my MMA stand up training. This I do for me. I feel good about that and try and keep that commitment. My children are draining but lovely (my daughter is having a hard time and may need a medication update) but overall all is ok.
I realize my CG will be having problems forever because it is not just his CG – he also is Bipolar, ADHD, Sex Addict, Compulsive eater, CG……that makes me sad but I do love him and I know he loves us..He really has been there for me lately (except this weekend) and he has been doing better. I only hope his therapist can help him tomorrow and that he can get back on track.
I so value all of your input and friendship. I think of you all daily and try and walk the walk and be true to myself and be there for my kids…
M21 April 2014 at 1:56 am #2845
I agree with all you said…My Cg is like a spoiled teenager. His therapist has often told him he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. I guess he is working on it with his therapy and meetings but sometimes I think some people are too broken to ever truly be “fixed”. I think he can get better, but not 100% better…I think he will always have problems….
I agree if he is being stupid and selfish we will leave…I told him yesterday if he didn’t want to be with us and behave himself then he needed to just leave…pack up his stuff and find another place to live leave…Im not going to let him upend our lives. The children see him for what he is..a troubled man but a troubled man who loves them …..
thank you for listening, thank you for reading…
to be continued…
M27 April 2014 at 8:13 pm #2846
I was hoping to get some feedback on my last post. It’s been really tough for me over here and some days I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I’ve been reading others posts and trying to get inspiration from them. But I feel so sad and sometimes so hopeLess and wonder if I’m missing out on things in life.
I would really appreciate anyone’s thoughts on my previous post and how things are currently going. I need to feel like somebody understands……
M27 April 2014 at 8:32 pm #2847veraParticipant
I hear you Madge!
Life can be tough.
Marriage is not easy.
Its all about give and take.
Better or worse (If you have taken marriage vows)
It seems we either have to give all or give nothing.
Stay or leave…
Can you stay and give all , or will you walk away?
Only you can decide.
(just my present thoughts to let you know you have been heard)27 April 2014 at 10:11 pm #2848
Thanks for responding. …
Sometimes I think no one is listening. ..maybe my story isn’t interesting enough or perhaps it’s too complicated. Either way it’s nice to know someone is listening. I feel so alone a lot of the time even though I am surrounded by people. I feel like my life is passing me by …I spend almost all my time either attending to my kids or being ignored by my husband. He says it’s *hard for him to connect* which is why he drifts away. But I’m lonely and I miss him….
M27 April 2014 at 10:49 pm #2849velvetModerator
I am always listening but often feel that I write too much. Of course your story is worth listening to and you deserve all the support this forum can give.
You are right to call your husband playing blackjack a slip. I hope that he told his GA group even if he did collect his 9 month gamble-free key-ring. Maybe you could say if it happens again that you feel it would be nice if he discussed his behaviour with his group rather than telling him that he should not have counted his 9 months as gamble-free. I believe in supporting CGs to be open with each other – it is far less distressing for you if someone else is putting him straight.
I was so sorry to read that you were running round the house hiding his keys and wallet to stop him going to the casino but I understand why – it is so difficult to stay calm when you feel the addiction is triggered.
I can hear you love your husband Madge and I know how hard it can be to love someone who is not in control of their life. That is why it is so important that you are in control of yours – you are the lynch-pin in your family but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your life for your husband’s addictions.
Was his therapist recommended to you, do you feel he/she is making a difference?
I have changed my times on Tuesdays so that my group is 6pm New York time – it would be good to talk to you in real time.
Keep walking the walk and I will walk with you but please never, never forget or underestimate the importance of ‘you’.
V28 April 2014 at 8:50 am #2850san250Participant
I’m reading your posts too as they come through. Your story is certainly not NOT interesting! A little complicated, maybe, but there are many facets to it. Back in 2010 I wrote a blog entitled ‘Who am I’ it’s stored on my computer. After reading your thread and another, I re-read some of it and it could be ‘your’ story. The now ex-husband and his ‘games’, sleeping in separate bedrooms, going to counselling, the affects on my children etc etc. I was exhausted emotionally and physically, frustrated things weren’t happening faster, completely ‘drained’ with children/schools etc etc. I talk about being lonely and there must be more to life than this! I remember a time when my eldest son held me in his arms and cried, ‘We want our mum back’. I gave all of myself away to my ex and my children, my house, my work.
I look back on those times now and wonder ‘who is that lady
talking there’ it’s not ME. I understand that everything that happened HAD to happen to get me where I am today. Slowly reclaiming ME back and letting go of what I could not control has brought me where I am today.
‘I realize my CG will be having problems forever because it is not just his CG – he also is Bipolar, ADHD, Sex Addict, Compulsive eater, CG……that makes me sad but I do love him and I know he loves us..’ This is a huge statement Madge. You understand he will have these problems forever … can YOU live with it forever? Is love enough? Only you know those answers. I believe your body knows the answer to these questions already it’s whether you choose to listen to it is the question. Sending you a cyber hug and wishing you some peace. Best wishes San x28 April 2014 at 8:48 pm #2851jenny46Participant
Thanks for your reply to me
Being a mother can often be a thankless job, a never ending stream of varying forms of unpaid employment ! Cook, taxi driver, cash point, friend, great big ogre etc etc !! there are so many roles you fulfil which can change minute by minute – and what thanks do you get , probably as much as me !!
On top of this you are married to someone with a whole host of issues which involve the need to take rather than give. Is it really any wonder that you feel the way that you do.
There are many ocaisions when I have screamed “what about me, what about my feelings ” ” what does everyone think I am a machine devoid of all emotion?????”
In truth that is what I was well on the way to becoming -it was a coping mechanism for extreme circumstances that emotionally I was struggling to cope with.
I think my lesson in looking after me was to start seeing other people who made me laugh and were good company. You have your classes which is good and i’m sure helps to vent some of what’s going on but where is the emotional quality in the good relaitionships that we lose when we are so caught up in being everything to everyone ? The type of stuff that replaces bad with good ?
Out of interest, when you say you love him – what is it you actually love about him when it comes down to it ?
You have been heard Madge and there can be a time when things appear to stay the same or in limbo for what seems to be forever.
I read an interesting quote recently which said ” If you follow your heart, remember to take your head with you”
Jenny x28 April 2014 at 11:40 pm #2852
Thank you Jenny – spot on again. Things are very confusing for me now. I am trying to hang in there –
I often do think my family thinks I am a robot who just *does stuff* for everyone. I try to remind them I am not. When I leave tues/thurs nites for my class my kids are unhappy but I remind myself I NEED this for myself – and I do – it is the only thing I do for myself – btw, “Everything to Everyone” is a favorite song of mine by Everclear…listen to it if you can…
When you ask what I love about him – I love who he is when he isn’t “sick” – He is smart, funny, kind, intelligent – loving – That is when he is THERE. When he is avoiding life (via work, gambling, sleeping, eating, etc) I don’t like him very much. I feel sad when he is “not there” and I miss his presence. I have a few really good long term friends but they live far away. I also had a few losses recently (my best friend died last year and my other best friend was deported!) So I seem to have less support now that ever….
I guess that is why I am lonely and sad…
I recognize I need the ” type of stuff that replaces bad with good ?”..I try and see the other friends I have here but I am not as close them as I am with the other far away ones. I think that is why this group us so important to me. This is my support – where people know the “true” story and don’t judge – it is and has been a blessing and a G-dsend – I am so grateful to you and the others here at GT.
I think it was San that asked if I can manage staying with my CG knowing all the long term problem he has. The truth is a) I don’t want to break up my family and b) I still love my CG. I know too many divorced families and I can’t put my kids thru that. I know you may all be screaming “but you need to take care of yourself and your kids already know the truth of their Dad” etc etc. I know my kids see their Dad as he is – good and bad- but I can’t, in my heart, break up their family. I can only try and make things better from my end and hope he can keep working on his end.
And yes, I pay the price – I know I do – but I can’t let my kids suffer more (the kids of my friends who are divorced definitely suffer more). I know if we got divorced Id have less control over my CG and how he deals with the kids – If we are together I can take better care of the kids and still have some good family times (like when we were away) when Dad is *present*. I realize is it not a great picture for me-but I am stuck – really I am – because my kids are more important than me. At least for now. Maybe when the youngest is older this will change – but for now, I am here..
Velvet: to answer your question about his therapy: – He has been to like 8 different therapists – this one we are at now is a CBT guy and seems to be helping him. He was seeing him 2x a week but bc of the kids schedules (and my ability to only be one place at a time!!) he is only going 1x a week. He still is going to his SA meeting and sometimes GA meetings. Honestly I think he is so deeply damaged that “full recovery” is probably not going to happen. I am hoping he can be more present with the family and control his addictions…I don’t know…
I would love to make your group at 6pm Tuesday but that is kid time – from 2pm EST til 11pm I am with kids (unless Im at my class – my great ecape!!). Hopefully one day Ill be able to pop in and talk in real time. I would love that.
I hope I have covered all the questions that were posed of me – I am really grateful that there are people out *there*, lovely people who care enough to repond and offer support and advice. I know things change – change and move – and I am trying to hang in there while we go over this current hump…
We have been married 20 years – that is a long time – I know my CG loves me and would do anything for me. When I look at others lives around me who I know, I see their problems from the outside (addiction, affairs, generally being a mean person, illness) and I realize I wouldn’t want top trade with any of them. That says something, don’t you think???
Gotta run – children call – more later – Glad I was able to spend this time with you all.
M29 April 2014 at 11:23 pm #2853twilight16Participant
I am being completely honest when I say I have often started writing you, to only stop. I feel like everything I want to write will only upset you, but if you take one thing I write I feel it will be all worth it.
As you know my father is a cg and I have lived with this addiction for so long. My mother did her very best, as you, to shield me from it; but of course, as the years passed, and the older I got, the more I was able to piece things that weren’t as obvious as before.
I didn’t even have to hear the fights anymore, to know that my parents were fighting, or that my mother was upset. I could read it from her body language, and their silent treatment, and their superficial talks, about how work was and how beautiful it was outside, just to fill the void. Your children learn from you and your husband. You are their first teachers and what is happening at your house with the disrespect is not normal. I went back reading your earlier posts and reading how your daughter could ever tell you to shut-up is only a reflection of what she sees. Again, please bear with me, I am not trying to hurt you, just for you to reflect and be the change you need in your house.
This addiction is nothing to downplay as the other ones your husband has. Don’t let love blind you of just accepting this as loving your husband. I don’t like saying this, but the addiction is playing you well, it knows that you are afraid of it, but of course this can change.
I know from hard experience, despite your very best intentions of wanting to prevent your husband from gambling, like hiding his keys, in the long run it will always be futile because the addiction will always find a way to gamble. You will only run yourself ragged, and in the end all your efforts will be in vain and you will suffer a breakdown. Who will be there to take care of you?
What I highly suggest is for you to really start your recovery and please stop sticking to the idea that you will never divorce your husband, this is unnecessary stress. No one can say this, and I would never say this either. I have been married just as long as you and have two children. I love my husband but I know never to say never.
When you are in true recovery, it is liberating, you feel this excitement that you are getting yourself together, you are not afraid of what the future holds, you start seeing things differently, and you feel better about your life. Divorce shouldn’t even be an issue at this time; you just need to heal your troubled heart and soul. You owe yourself everything; you were not made to fix anyone’s life, but yourself. Don’t take the burden for doing for others, this includes your children. Love yourself Madge to want a better life.
What I wrote is from my heart and means no disrespect towards you. I hope you see this.
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