[Berta24449787]

I’ve been gone for a while, and I mean gone, because I mistakenly thought that I could try to gamble moderately online as a way of dealing with my needs and urges. I did o.k. for a while, and when things got out of control on a site I would self exclude immediately and take a break to gather my thoughts. I thought that it would ebb away, as most urges do if you indulge them periodically. To deny myself only made the urges stronger, so I thought that this was the way to deal with MY issue.
n During this time I have made a number of important but not remarkable discoveries about myself and my need to gamble. The first is that it is strongest when I am dealing with interpersonal work related issues. I hate my boss. Really hate. When I have to deal with her it brings with it the feelings of a lack of being valued, respected and utilized. It hurts to the point of being debilitated. That makes my mind wander to the bonus round music of my favorite game. I get sucked in with the feelings of excitement. The potential thrill. I want to go and play. Not a good dynamic when one thinks of the amount of time I have to work with the woman.
n The second is quite sad but not uncommon. I am middle aged now. Most of the new and exciting experiences of life are behind me. I was one who would jump into anything new for the thrill. I loved the adrenaline rush of being somewhere. Doing something. Meeting someone. My job was one of new challenges daily. I excelled. That has all changed now. I am overweight, thanks in part to menopause, and my career is almost over. I can retire this year. I have physical challenges that I didnt have before. I am feeling like I dont know who i am anymore. I think in terms of my daughters future and not my own. It’s like I am virtually done now. It’s not a pleasant feeling and it drives me to gamble for the feelings of excitement that it still offers for me. It’s pretty well how a lot of woman feel at my age, but it doesn’t take the sting out if it at all.
n I understand that my challenge shall be to find something that will move me. Something that will excite me and drive me to change. I must make a plan. I am on day three. I will begin to open my mind after I stop trying to close off all of the thoughts that drive me gamble. Its going to be hard to find something that will pull me out of these depths. Any suggestions?

[Enough808]

Thank you for sharing your challenges and congrats on being on day 3 of not gambling. When I decided to stop gambling I also thought that I would need to find something to fill the void. To find another addiction to replace the gambling one. Alcohol? Drugs? Maybe computer gaming? But that is not a good solution at all. I decided to focus on bettering myself and spending more time being engaged in the moment of every day life. As silly as that might sound, when I was gambling, I would be constantly checking my phone for updates on games and missing out on what was going on around me. Or falling behind with work. I believe you’ll find what makes you happy once you realize that you don’t need to gamble.

[Berta24449787]

Its surprising how much you can actually achieve in a day when your mind and body are free from your phone. I gamble on my phone. I have gotten so many major projects done when I break free, but in the absence of something else all consuming to work on, I fall back on from time and boredom. I need to have something  else to compell me up from my spot and make it my focus. Perhaps me is a good thing to start focusing on. I used to be quite fetching….. I did take some time to shave my legs today since I was actually early in getting ready for work. Lately, i would gamble before work and always be late getting  started or getting in. I actually had time today to do a little grooming. I guess there are all kinds of things that could open up to be  a replacement… 

[Rosey Posey]

I find that I am getting back into old hobbies but the updated versions of them.  Getting back into grooming and pampering yourself will give you a distraction and make you feel good about yourself.  A new hobby could be homemade recipies for lotions and such.  You can even make gifts for friends and family.

[Berta24449787]

Was fine this morning. Feeling good. I gambled away my money and my day. Feeling lost. I dont know how my brain convinces me to do this over and over. Need some help to figure this out.

[Steev]

But then I have said that before.

[Rosey Posey]

If something isn’t working for you then try something else.  Better yet, try a bunch a things and see what works.  Try again and again and again.  Don’t give up and try not to be too hard on yourself.

[Berta24449787]

It’s the time of truth. I an sitting in my living room at 8 a.m. and it is my day off. This is where I know I am at my most vulnerable. I have time. I want to relax and forget. It’s dark and a bit gloomy right now, raining and breezy. My favorite weather. For some reason it reminds me of the Texas coast. I love the weather there. It’s similar to ours here but nice all year. I feel sad when I remember because the thought of not being able to travel anymore because of the strain on my finances makes me very sick to my stomach. I have lost so much- not just money, but faith in myself. I often forget that I am strong, I often neglect to remember the many years that I never even bought a lottery ticket. I only started this downward spiral 4 years ago. Surely I can recover some of what was my reality before then? How to I get back to before the madness started? Do I need to find out why? With covid still among us and a second wave imminent, there will be no one on one sessions. I must wait to uncover my deep dark truths. I am strong. I will try harder. I will dream of walking on the beach again. I will dream of vacations and getaways and times when my struggles will not be against the potential for three bonus symbols on a line. Hope that you all find strength to fight the outcome.

[Monica1]

Are you able to go to on line GA or online groups here? As Steev says counselling is a good way to go. Everything is now available on line with zoom or MS Tesms or even Skype. Now I am 62, I had menopause weight and last year took off 30 lbs in recovery. It can be done and I am enjoying life more in my 60s than before despite the difficult times we live in. I know you can’t stand your boss and we have all been there with bosses. You need to turn that around. Hate is a strong word and hate perpetuates hate in a downward spiral. I know it sounds mad but turn the language round. Try and wish him/her well despite how you feel about them. And for us girls, pampering ourselves really does help. I wish you success in your recovery journey and there is no such time that we cannot enjoy life. It is available at all ages.

[Denisemb]

I too am middle age, semi retired and searching for an avenue to take my kind off this addiction. I am in AA recovery, so I donuse the steps, but I can foo foo them off inna heartbeat. I dont go to casinos or online, however go to the neighborhood internet cafe DAILY. Every penny I make goes there and its not thousands, but definitely hundreds a week. My car is on its last leg, my dog needs a vet visit. Sometimes I just dont worry about food first, but getting to the cafe to play the games. I feel like such a low life the way Inam living now and have lost sooo much, but chasing that “possible” win. I need advice, suggestions, support!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Berta
nThings can become very bad quite quickly with gambling addiction. What surprised me is how quickly they can improve once we stop.
n
nI think for many of us women the why is low self esteem or a relationship which has chipped away at our confidence. Whatever the reason, I found it helpful to make it impossible to gamble. In the early days when gambling was an automatic process for me, I had layers of barriers so that I had thinking time.
n
nKeep your eye on the prize Bertha – the prize is a happier life for you. It is worth more than any jackpot we could ever win.
n
nAccept that you will never win- your brain is forever changed by addiction and even the biggest win will just keep you in action longer. Eventually the balance will hit zero and you will spend days berating yourself hat you didn’t cash out… the brainwashing of addiction is the same for us all- endless cycles of highs and lows until we crash.
n
nKeep strong Bertha – attend support groups online or in person and really accept that you deserve a life free from this horrible addiction.
n
n

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