18 August 2013 at 9:26 am #9214hokusaiphilliesParticipant
Just finished another binge at an online casino. Deposited $50, ran it up to $1200, and managed to throw it all away in the span of about 15 minutes. It makes me sick to my stomach. That’s as much as I make in an entire month. This is hardly the first time this has happened, and certainly not the worst, but it was enough to finally make me permanently close my account there and post here.
Gambling is one of those things that I should roll my eyes at. Math’s always been my forté, and I understand the ins-and-outs of where the house derives its advantage from more than most people. And yet somehow, as soon as I’m presented with a casino game, all that math seems to fall out the wayside. It becomes personal, like the games are frenemies of mine and we have some sort of understanding beyond the scope of mere probability.
It started out really, really fun. I went to the local Indian casino on my 18th birthday with some friends with $20 in my pocket. We managed to spend about 5 hours there. On $20. I ran it down to my last dollar, hit a nice feature, and ran it up to $35. In my mind, I magically just created $15, even though my logical mind understood that I was playing a losing game since day 1. But I had a good time.
It never was that much fun ever again. $20 turned into $60, $60 turned into $200, and then $200 turned into "keep taking cash out of the ATM until you have nothing left". All of this, of course, is unknown to anyone around me except my closest friend, and even he doesn’t really know the extent of the misery I’ve felt from gambling.
Over the course of the last year, I’ve self-excluded at both of the nearest casinos to me. The next closest one is a good 2 hours away and in a metropolitan area with heavy traffic; no thanks. I’ve also barred myself from every non-shady online casino (I live in the US so thankfully there aren’t many reputable options).
The problem I face now is what got me into gambling in the first place: boredom. No matter what time of day (or night) it was, I could always count on a casino, somewhere, being open. I don’t have that anymore and it’s actually very difficult. I’m entering my junior year of college and still don’t really have any new friends to speak of and mostly feel like a failure. I mean, I get good grades, but I find it difficult to be passionate about anything, and my ability to do "well" academically despite skipping the majority of my classes each semester has left me cynical. I want to lose quite a bit of weight to hopefully gain some self-confidence, but food is basically my only other vice. I’ve tried taking up alcohol instead but I just don’t get the appeal; it just makes me feel tired.
I will be starting therapy up again this week so I’m hoping that will help.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a good day.
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