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  • #1784
    adele
    Participant

    My husband began gambling compulsively 2 years ago. At this point he is incapable and/or unwilling to stop himself no matter the consequences.
    I no longer recognize this man, and I do not love this man. Our 25 year marriage is crumbling – my physical, mental and emotional health is deteriorating – my house is a disaster – my life is a mess – and my spirit is slowly dying.
    I miss my husband desperately.
    I doubt that I will be as strong as so many of you here are. My heart aches at the same time my admiration grows for you all. My grievances will seem petty in comparison to some of your stories, but I sense that my last thread of hope may be dangling precariously from this site.
    I have prayed to God for guidance and I believe He has sent me here to begin healing. Thank you all for sharing the good and the bad, and a very special thanks to you, Velvet, for your extraordinary mind and heart.
    "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"       – Adele –
    — 5/4/2013 5:10:23 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.
    — 5/4/2013 5:14:07 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.
    — 5/4/2013 5:14:49 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.– 5/4/2013 5:15:22 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

    #1785
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Dear Adele
    Your grievances are not petty, you do need healing and I hope you feel you have come to a place that is right for you – you are certainly very welcome.
    The most important line I feel in your post is that you feel your spirit is slowly dying and that is what I hope sharing time with us on this forum will change for you.   If our spirits die it is because we allow them to die but you have the ability to change. You have untapped strengths, your husband’s addiction is his – nor yours.  
    I did not recognise my CG and I could not love the active CG, my house was a disaster, my life was a mess but I don’t deserve admiration for changing my life.   There comes a point where I think we have to make a choice but I believe it is better to make choices when we are fully informed and that is what I would want you to be. 
    I cannot tell you what to do.   I believe that given time you will know what is right for you.   I don’t think you should run after anybody and I don’t think you should give up on you – I know that was not quite what you meant but it is my first thought.
    I was closing my computer, as I was going to bed, when I saw your post but I will write to you tomorrow.   You were very brave to write such a post and I’m glad you did.
    If you read this before I get a chance to write again – please tell me a bit about what your marriage was like before the addiction took hold. Do you have children?
    You are not alone Adele. I will walk with you for as long as you need me.   I understand and will continue to understand, all you say. 
    I don’t know whether you know the words of ‘Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow’ but I hope they help.
    There are two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. 
    One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.  Al the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.  Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.  We cannot undo a single act we performed.  We cannot ***** a single word we said.  Yesterday is gone.
    The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance.  Tomorrow is also beyond our immediae control.
    Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behnd a mask of clouds – but it will rise.  Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn.
    This leaves only one day – TODAY.   Any person can fight the battles of just one day.  It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down.  It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which hapened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.  Let us therefore LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
    I will write soon
    Velvet
     

    #1786
    annesingleton
    Participant

    Originally posted by Chasing Pavements
    My husband began gambling compulsively 2 years ago. At this point he is incapable and/or unwilling to stop himself no matter the consequences. I no longer recognize this man, and I do not love this man.
    Our 25 year marriage is crumbling – my physical, mental and emotional health is deteriorating – my house is a disaster – my life is a mess – and my spirit is slowly dying.
    I miss my husband desperately.
    I doubt that I will be as strong as so many of you here are. My heart aches at the same time my admiration grows for you all.
    My grievances will seem petty in comparison to some of your stories, but I sense that my last thread of hope may be dangling precariously from this site.
    I have prayed to God for guidance and I believe He has sent me here to begin healing. Thank you all for sharing the good and the bad, and a very special thanks to you, Velvet, for your extraordinary mind and heart.
    "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

    #1787
    annesingleton
    Participant

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was married to my gambling husband for thirty years before I summoned the courage to separate from him and it took me another three years to realise I was not responsible for him. You are in an abusive relationship even though you don’t think you are. If you have children living with you they are also being abused and your responsibility is to them not your husband even though he makes you feel responsible for him. My three children have been badly affected by their father and I have a lot of guilt about it. Don’t forget that relationships are about being happy not miserable.– 04/05/2013 08:50:05: post edited by Velvet.

    #1788
    annesingleton
    Participant

    I’m really sorry hanging by a thread my last post sounded really harsh having read it back. None of this is your fault, don’t forget it took me thirty years to sort my problem out, when you’re in the middle of it it’s like dancing in shadows, you don’t know where you are or what to think. All I can say from my own experience is that you should try to be really strong, and bear in mind that generally gamblers are major manipulators. I wish you well and really hope that you will be ok.– 04/05/2013 09:19:54: post edited by Velvet.

    #1789
    berber
    Participant

    Hi Adele
    I’ so glad that God has also led you to this website, just like me. You will learn so much about the addiction and gain power by this. Don’t think your problems are petty, your feelings are yours and you will not be judged. I am hopeful that my hb can control his addiction someday, but I also realize that (besides God) he can only help himself. Velvet’s message on yesterday/today/tomorrow makes so much sense. The sun is shining here today and I’ve decided to go outside and have a nice day. Wishing you a good weekend and take care.
    X
    Berber.

    One life: live it.– 4-5-2013 07:04:26: post edited by Berber.

    #1790
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Adele
    I have done my homework this morning and now know that ‘Chasing Pavements’ is sung by Adele but your name is Adele to me now though, so I hope that is ok.
    I have edited a couple of rep***s that you have had because it is not for any of us to tell another member what they should do.   Your story belongs solely to you, you are asking for support to get the next chapter right – the outcome of your book is not determined by anybody else.
    Do you have family and friends who are aware of your worry?  Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive.   Personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for opinions. You are going to get your knowledge here and you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge.   At no time will I tell you either to leave or to stay – everything will be in your hands.  
    I am not sure whether you are saying you don’t love your husband and/or you don’t love the man who is gambling with your life.   You say you miss him desperately and I understand this because he is lost in addiction and you are walking through the fog of his addiction, without a map and cannot find him.
    I don’t know how much you have read on the site and I don’t want to tell you lots of things you already know.   Does your husband accept he has a problem?
    Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
    Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room.    As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it ever sleeps.
    Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not.   When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument – how often have you found yourself in the middle of an argument without knowing how you got there – that is the addiction enjoyng confrontation that drives you further into confusion.   It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not.   Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows ***s and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you.   When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.  
    My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t *** but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was ***** because he truly be***ved that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure and did not deserve happiness – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism apart from gambling.   The addiction is all about failure for the CG which has no love for the addict or those who love them.   However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.  
    We do have Friends and Family groups where you will be welcome – the ***** are in the box at the top of this page on the right.   We can communicate in real time. Nothing said in that group appears on the forum. 
    You are strong – you just don’t feel it.  
    Please post soon, knowing you are among friends.
    Velvet
     

    #1791
    adele
    Participant

    I have SO MUCH to say here with too little time at the moment. But I couldn’t read another post on my thread without at least a short post from me expressing my immense gratitude for this site and for your posts. 
    Velvet – thank you so very much for your genuine interest and concern. I have a feeling that you are going to be that "one woman" – the catalyst – that will change my life. You are an angel on earth for "paying it forward" with your time, knowledge and humongous heart!
    Before I leave to get ready for work, I have to tell you that I got a chuckle from the confusion over the quote from Adele (British ((ha ha)) singer/songwriter) that I put in my signature line. (Sorry, I have a bit of a wicked sense of humor – but it is NEVER malicious I promise!)  And, Velvet, I LOVE that my name is now Adele because of it.
    Adele wrote the song "Chasing Pavements" after a breakup. She described the song as a hymn to lost love and regret. She said, "It is me being hopeful for a realtionship that’s very much over. The sort of realationship you hate when you’re in it, but miss when you’re not."  Later in the interview she said, "That song is about should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?", which is where the partial quote came from. 
    As I read the article, it struck me that two completely different analogies could be drawn between her thoughts and the opposing perspectives of my CG and me. In futility he is chasing his bets trying to recover losses, and in desperation I continue to chase after the man I love and miss but is no longer there.
    Ah! Such melodrama! I will write more this evening and fill in some of the blanks Velvet. It is difficult and feels strange to be preparing to "air all of my dirty laundry". But I know I must … and I will. 
    Speaking of dirty laundry – I may have to dig in the hamper for something to wear today – ha ha. Such is my life …
    Adele
        
      "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

    #1792
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Adele
    I did Google for info on Chasing Pavements – I am not the brightest when it comes to modern pop music. I had at least heard of Adele – I have even seen pictures but since Roy Orbison I have been in oblivion when it comes to pop.  
    Your post gave me some thoughts having read why you chose your username. At the moment you feel that there is ‘nothing there’ but if there was something there what would that mean to you?  
    Not everybody’s relationship survives the addiction to gamble but I have found that those who have survived have some of the most successful relationships I know.   You don’t have to answer this but I wonder how old your husband is.   Sometimes it seems there has to be enough damage behind before the CG realises that it is their addiction that is hurting them and those around them.  
    As I have said previously I cannot tell you what to do but I do know that chasing after a CG is as useless as them chasing after their debts – nothing changes until someone stops and I think the non-CG, with knowledge, can stop their old behaviour and confuse the addiction.. Both chases are futile but when this is realised and accepted, in my opinion, it time to do something different.   Running in the other direction is an option.   Learning about the addiction and how it works, – putting the non-CG in the driving seat of their life is another option – it was mine. 
    For the past two years, I would imagine that you have had your husband’s addictive behaviour and gambling filling your mind and the more it fills, the less time there is for you.   By looking after yourself and putting your interests first you change the status quo – you are refusing to live with the addiction controlling you – instead of running after it you are confronting it without words.  
    Your husband’s mind has been filling itself with addiction so it controls him.   It is important to realise that we cannot stop a CG gambling – they need the right treatment to help them tip some of that addiction out to leave room for decent thoughts and love.    We have had CGs change their lives on this site, there are dedicated counsellors, rehabs and GA.   CGs can and do help each other when they decide to dedicate their lives to being gamble free.   You felt guided here and you are understood – your husband might need similar guidance t where he is understood.   I have no idea why my CG decided, at the time he did, that he had had enough – I know we were estranged but he had made a rare phone call and I mentioned Gordon House – the rehab in the UK.   Two and half hours later he was applying and his roller coaster began to grind to a halt after 25 years.  
    At the top of this page click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘world’. Click ‘Gambling help’ and then ‘Search’.   Scroll down to ‘Gamblers anonymous – Twenty Questions’. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.   In my opinion most members who have lived with the compulsion to gamble will also be able to answer yes to at leave seven of those questions.    Maybe you could print them off – maybe he will read them and realize he is not alone – I hope it will help him realize that you are seeking help and treating his addiction seriously even if he is not.   I think it is not good to thrust them on the CG but to leave them where he will see them – to thrust them is to confront and the addiction will take control.
    Hope some of this helps. Ask any questions you like and I will do my best.
    Velvet
     

    #1793
    adele
    Participant

    Velvet – I have just popped on here – as I do so often since finding this site on May 1st – just to see if you or anyone else has posted since I last looked – selfishly I think, anxious to see.
     My jaw dropped and just stayed dropped as I read your words. It is uncanny to me how you can be so spot on with so little information about me. I feel like Ell when she says things "click" in my head as I read your words.
    I began writing my story last night fully intending to post it, but it got longer and longer and jumbled and convoluted – and it is not my nature to post such a mess. I am sending this one tho without reading it and editing it 20 *****, because I want to thank you, thank you, thank you for "walking with me" – even tho it must feel like you’re having to pull me along right now.
    And I want to say to annesingleton – thank you for your immediate post on my introduction thread. It seems my post struck a chord with you – the length of our marriages?, similar experiences?, … something. I know and appreciate that you do not want me – or anyone else – to go through what you and your family have been through. I hope you will post again and do not be concerned that I will think you are harsh – I UNDERSTAND harsh feelings, believe me! And Velvet will edit anything she thinks may not be particularly helpful – I’m sure I’ll get edited too… lol. Please post tho Anne. I can’t offer advice yet, but I can lend an ear – and I know I can relate.
    To Berber – you were so sweet to post your positive words of encouragement when you are going thru this agony yourself. Thank you! I read your profile and your story – you are so young – And with a baby! I will pray for you and your family that God will guide your hearts and minds to be rid of this beast. I’m just going to send this now – warts and all…
    Adele
    (ok – I edited once – but it was all bunched up .. lol)
    (ok ok, edited twice ‘cos it didn’t work from my iPad – can’t help myself – ha)
    "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele
    — 5/5/2013 5:13:14 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.– 5/5/2013 5:27:55 PM: post edited by chasing pavements.

    #1794
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Adele, I know the song very well and my take on it whenever I hear it is “why waste your time, girl when you KNOW it is over”. Oh the wisdom I developed after the fact! lol. You seem pretty strong to me and I love your sense of humor! Just like there is a pattern when it comes to cgs and their behavior, there is a pattern to us as spouses/families/friends. I know very well what you are talking about. Gambling is like a cancer of the soul, it eats you from the inside out, everybody involved is sick. The outside, like your house and the laundry basket seems to reflect the chaos of emotions and thoughts on the inside. At least that’s how it was for me and still is because of what happened in my life. But I firmly believe that we get stronger once we have reached our own personal rock bottom. When we reach the point of no return and decide that something has to change. First of all we have to change because we cannot change our gambler. My hb was like an empty s****, possessed by his need to gamble. I didn’t know him anymore. Before we can make any kind of decision about the relationship I think we need to take an inventory of ourselves and our lives. I spend many hours thinking what it would be like if my hb was NOT gambling. Would we be alright? Do you have any other support besides this site? Any family or friends you can trust and talk to? Being utterly alone in this is the worst of all imho. The addiction is convoluting our minds as well as the mind of the cg. Thats the MO necessary to stay alive and well. It is very important for you to get well yourself and not to worry about your hb. The addiction is his and his only to take care of, meaning to start conquering it. If he sees the need. Wash your clothes, all of them and wear something really nice to work, lol. That’s a start. Secure your finances and look for support wherever you can. I, too spent many yrs in desperation. Crying, begging, yelling, angry and totally helpless and powerless. Until I decided one day that it was enough and come **** or high water, it was going to change. I was going to change. The days and weeks until my hb went to his final and successful inpatient treatment were the first once I was at peace. Even though it all didn’t work out the way I hoped it would (only the recovery is still working) I still cherish this time. Your are stronger than you think, girl. Funny though, I also process a lot with music. There was youtube with all the nice songs, my favorite one being “bridge over troubled waters” (yes, I am THAT old) and “House of the rising sun”, which was always on the radio all of a sudden when my hb was in prison. Go figure….

    #1795
    adele
    Participant

    — 5/6/2013 8:51:46 AM: post edited by chasing pavements.

    #1796
    adele
    Participant

    Dear NoMore – I appreciate you sharing, and your encouragement. You’re right, I am actually a very strong woman – usually – and feeling increasingly vulnerable and weak these last few years is maddening to me!
    I have struggled with my own demon for many years – Depression (ugh) – so the emotional and visible chaos of my life is not really new to me, just different and compounded. I know in my heart this has been a contributing factor in my husband’s demise.
    I like what you say about "taking an inventory  of ourselves" before making a decision about a relationship with a CG. That clicks with me, and I think that will be my initial approach to begin taking better care of myself. Thank you for that clarity.
    I am feeling stronger with the knowledge and encouragement I have been blessed to receive from this site. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.
    I’m still not in the **** to do the laundry, but I just might go out and buy me some skinny jeans and high heels! ha ha
    (Be very glad you can’t see that visual …)
    Girl – I’m so sorry for what you’ve been thru.  I am especially sorry your marriage didn’t work out the way you hoped. May I ask – and I apologize if this is too personal:  Was it because it was too difficult for you to believe the recovery would last?  Was he – or you – a different person after the recovery?   Please just ignore these questions if I’ve treaded on raw emotions.
    Oh! By the way – I am THAT OLD TOO. So I say to you:
     Just sail on Silver Girl …  You no longer spend your life in sin and misery!!
    Adele"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

    #1797
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Adele, I can see your strength in you posts even though you are at a bad place right now. I struggled with depression actually for most of my marriage and didn’t realize why. My hb was already gambling when we met and had been since he was a teenager. I had no clue and nobody thought it would be necessary to tell me. Of course I knew nothing about gambling addiction and nothing about the signs and symptoms. Like every cg, my hb was a pathological ****, not only when it came to money and gambling. So my marriage crumbled from the very beginning. You can read the convoluted story in my first posts. I am originally from Germany and after we moved here in 2000 my hb relapsed after almost 11 yrs. He took us down fast, everything was gone. The savings, my daughter’s college fund, our complete retirement, the cars and ultimately our first and only own home. He embezzled money at his federal job and went to prison for a year. That is why my marriage did not survive. Too much hurt, pain and damage. My depression worsened over the yrs a great deal and I developed an off-the-charts anxiety as well. It looks like you are not that far down the road, which is a good reason for you to have some hope. You also seem to have a pretty clear head and that is to your advantage. You might want to think about boundaries, how much will be too much for you? You deserve to be happy and at peace and that should be your absolute priority. Don’t give the addiction power over you. I’m a rather factual person so what I would have wished I had done is very simple. Drawn a line that my hb knew he shouldn’t cross. Never threaten something I was not prepared to go through with. Looked for support, like GamAnon way earlier. Educated myself re legal issues in this state (WA) and most of all, protect my finances better. At the end, all of this would not have helped my marriage but would have put my daughter and myself in a better position. My depression had a name, my hb’s. He is in recovery now for over 3 yrs and is a changed man altogether. We are still married for financial reasons but don’t live together. We have become something like friends out of necessity. Ha, I should take my story to Dr. Phil and see what he has to say…lol. Go buy the skinny jeans and the heels and walk proud with your head held high. Myself, I prefer the good old relaxed fit and some sketchers, the fancy days are over, age takes its’ toll on me. I can detect some ***** in you, girl. Go dig it out and show the addiction that you will NOT surrender. I know a lot of people who’s marriage has survived and is now even better, if different even if mine did not. Go for it!!!

    #1798
    adele
    Participant

    This Is Actually My Story

    OK – here’s at least part of my story. Most of it has been sitting on my laptop for 3 days now – not sure why I haven’t posted before now. It’s going to be very long, so I apologize for that…
     
    I am 52, my CG husband is 61. We will be married 25 years in September. This is my first marriage and his fifth (long story). We don’t have children together, but his daughter was only 6 when we married and I love her as my own. She and her husband have blessed us with two beautiful granddaughters (1 and 3 years old) who have very nearly been the only true joy in my life for 2 years.
    My husband began seriously gambling compulsively in June of 2011 when he took a job in a different state that has casinos. I had planned to move there when circumstances allowed (my elderly mother lived here at the time). Two months later I found credit card charges for cash he had gotten at the casinos – and it has been steeply downhill since then.
    As one painful shock after another morphed in to my new reality, I could not make myself want to move up there with him. I think I didn’t want to live with a stranger … I’m not sure.   So I "dug in" here at home trying to maintain our mortgage, and we have basically lived separately since the birth of this "Slavering Beast". He usually comes home on his days off as far as I know.
    Last summer he transferred back to Texas with his company in order to get away from the casinos. (We didn’t think we had any casinos in Texas.) The place where he works is still 6 hours from our home town, and on his very first trip down there he discovered a casino on an Indian Reservation about an hour from his office and the ‘man camp’ where he lives while he’s on the job. I was devastated! Of course he told me it was just a ***** little casino that was not worth the drive … *** *** ***!!
    The last 2 years have been miserable and expensive, but April was really horrible! He is spiraling to the bottom completely out of control – In deeper debt with new payday loans – ***** to me about everything, not just the gambling – Complacent and detached in our marriage and his personal life.  He puts nearly all his energy and effort in to his job (thank God) and his addiction.
    Velvet, I am really going to have to read and re-read those elusive words about Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. As for Yesterday – I don’t have the time or energy to worry or even care about it, because – Today and Tomorrow(s) I am agonizing over whether or not to try and settle the latest payday loans that are due this week, and I need to decide if I am going to continue the payments on all the past loans. It’s that or let his credit tank out – which will also affect my credit. I mean seriously … how do I NOT worry about Tomorrow? One day at a time seems unattainable to me right now, but I will strive to embrace that mantra.
    I run the gamut of emotions on a regular basis. I feel angry and outraged – then I feel guilty. I feel hopeless and paralyzed – then something motivates me. I get scared and insecure – then I muster up some temporary determination and resolve. At ***** I have worked very hard to be sympathetic and supportive,  then  BAM!!, I’m back to angry and outraged. Thus is the F&F Cycle I suppose. 
    You are absolutely right Velvet – my mind is filled with his addiction and little else. Most of my effort has been directed at breaking HIS cycle. I constantly check his emails, checking accounts, retirement accounts, various web sites, etc, etc.  I pay $70 per month for a company called LifeLock  to alert me immediately if anyone (my own stinking husband for instance!) opens an account or takes out a loan using our identification.  I now have a mailbox with a lock on it because he has taken insurance checks, unsolicited credit cards and the like without my knowledge.  I put a lock on my home office so I can hide the valuables we have left because he has sold things from our home to feed his beast. I have a separate checking and savings account now – which we have NEVER done. To his credit he has never diverted his directly deposited paycheck. But I know that is a possibility in the future given his escalation.
    In the drudgery of doing these things it has become difficult to feel kindly and supportive toward him.
    The man I married was far from perfect (like me), but I felt he loved me, was faithful to me, and wanted only to take care of me and make me happy. However, I discovered very early in our marriage that he would *** to me about things that he felt embarrassed about or ashamed of. For instance, about 2 years into our marriage I learned about his first wife when I found a forgotten picture of their wedding. His whole family had kept this from me. And get this – twenty years later, I found out he had married this girl twice!
    And his stupid **** … I have never been able to make him understand or care about how it makes me feel. Although he would promise to never again … blah blah blah … he just doesn’t get it, so it continues. Not obsessively, but any is too much for me. This has been an issue throughout our marriage. 
    I feel like I’m making him out to be a wretched man when he really isn’t – or he wasn’t.  At least I don’t think he was. **** I don’t know anymore. Our family and friends adore him, and he has always been highly thought of and respected in his work environment.
    He knows he has a problem, but he thinks calling it a disease is too easy a copout for him. He said he wished he’d never heard it referred to as a disease. He be***ves when and if we are living together again that he will be able to control his gambling behavior the same as when he quit chewing his nails and quit smoking. Since he thinks he knows the solution to the problem, he has made very little effort to get help. My husband is a very stubborn, thick headed man.
    I have told him about this site, and he did some reading on it this weekend. He said he had gained some unexpected insight from what he’d read so far, and we even had a couple of brief but meaningful conversations. I want to be***ve that a little of his addiction was "tipped out" if only for a moment … but I don’t want to get my hopes up just yet.
    Given the unresolved issues in our marriage, I struggle to have any hope that my husband possesses the strength, integrity and courage to dedicate his life to being gamble free. He asks for my patience but has yet to make a commitment to get help – even knowing the stakes.
    It is painful for me to be considering divorce as an option, because I do love my husband very much and we have a lot of years invested. Everyone would be absolutely stunned if it comes to that except for our two best friends. They are aware of his addiction and are as supportive as they know how to be with both of us. My stepdaughter would be devastated though. She does not know of her father’s addiction, so part of me is terrified that I might lose my grandbabies and it would kill me.  And finally, it is unbearable for me to think about what might happen to my husband on the loose with this beast ….
    There’s a voice inside me telling me to open my eyes and see that no matter what he says, he wants out this marriage to be free to do as he pleases. And yet, some***** I know he still loves me very much. And some***** I feel that there is still something there. That must be why I’m still hanging on … but just barely.
    Velvet, I am so very glad that your son is in recovery. I cannot imagine how frightening this experience has been for you as a parent. Thinking of your perspective – I do understand "one day at a time". My prayers are with you. And I am grateful that you are our "Wounded Healer". 
    Adele 
     
     
    "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele
    — 5/9/2013 5:02:30 AM: post edited by chasing pavements.
    — 6/14/2013 7:21:37 PM: post edited by adele.

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