Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 124 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1829
    san250
    Participant

    Dear Adele
    I’m sending you a huge hug (((hug))), way to go girl!! Your last thread I am sure will help alot of people on this site. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong and take care of you. San xx

    #1830
    adele
    Participant

    Monique, Jenny, Velvet, San – Thank you for your words of encouragement – I really need to hear them.
    I do not feel so clear headed and strong right now. The anesthetic has not yet worn off.  I am still numb and not at all confident in having the proper coping skills to deal with my CG now that I have taken a firmer stance in rejecting his addiction.
    Since we are basically not communicating at all, I don’t think he understands that things are changing with me. He seems to have forgotten that I asked him to go to counseling instead of coming home last time. We had to text each other last night because his Bluebird card was being denied. (This is the card I am able to put small amounts of money on for his gas and grocery purchases – no cash!) His last text was that he was coming home this weekend!
    What do I say to him?  I think he probably misses me, ***** to get fresh clothes, see the grandbabies, be at home for awhile … and I miss him too … but I’m not sure I’m ready or want to deal with his addiction just yet. I am very definitely “in-between” the old and new way of handling this, and I don’t think I know how to make that clear to him yet.
    I’m afraid he will come home, and it will be the “neutral chit chat” kind of thing our time together has become, and he will leave here thinking he can just go on as usual.
    Or worse, he WILL have realized something is changing with me, be scared that I’m leaving him, become emotional on me, and it will break my heart. 
    I feel vulnerable, and I hate that.
    Adele
     "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

    #1831
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Adele
    Why do we do it?   We try and cover every scenario and then it doesn’t happen as we thought, what then?
    Let’s look at each of your concerns.  You are not confident, yet, that you have the proper coping skills to deal with your CG.    There is no badge or medal to show you have come top of the class in confidence – if there was I wouldn’t have it yet.   You are ‘aware’ of your husband’s addiction in a way you have never been before – that awareness is ‘in’ you now and whatever you do it will work for you.  
    You don’t think he understands things are changing for you but he can’t ‘understand’ because the changes in you are not visual.   His behaviour will hopefully react to your change but he won’t notice it as he would a new hair style.   He can’t see you climbing into the driving seat and putting his addiction under serious threat. 
    Worse still he ‘will’ have noticed changes in you and be scared you are leaving him.   – He is an active CG whose prior interest, above any grandchildren or life that ‘you’ think he should care about most, is the next gamble.   ‘If’ he tries the emotional ********* then your new found confidence that ‘really is there’ will not be so easily fooled.   Active CGs weep because they are afraid that time is being called on their addiction.   Non-CGs are suckers for tears and how the addiction knows it.   The addiction to gamble produces crocodile tears.  We try to believe the loved one shares ‘our’ emotions, we want the tears to be real but the loved one’s addiction has one motivation and that is to satisfy it’s craving – it cries only for itself. 
    I am sure your husband will enjoy fresh clothes and all the things that are important to you but they are mere trappings to an active CG.   You will exude the difference in you – you don’t need to make things clear to him.   Nobody can ‘make’ a CG see things clearly unless they want to see.  
    If he didn’t behave as though nothing has happened it would be surprising.   CGs do behave as though past behaviour has not happened – it is symptomatic of the addiction.   If he did behave as though something has happened then he would be moving towards accepting his addiction.  You are ready for this Adele.   You are as ready as any of us would ever be at the stage you are at.  
    I understand you miss him – but you miss the man, not his addiction.   Unfortunately until he determines to change, the two things are inter-twined.   It is the addiction you are fighting not the man you love and you are fighting it because you love him.  
    The ‘only’ concern I have in your post is that you say you are not sure you ‘want’ to deal with his addiction just yet.   I understand this.   It is messy and if you can put it off maybe things will just change without any effort.  I put it off for 25 years so I can’t judge – but there never will be a right time.   You have started taking over the driving, if you slump back into the passenger seat allowing him to drive on recklessly then his addiction will be right there beside you.  
    I cannot tell you what to do (as you know) but I think you should stop worrying about what if this and what if that.   You will have changed whether you wanted to or not.  I can’t go back to the unwitting innocent that I was anymore than you can – we can’t undo what we know and we try and forget at our peril.  
    There is no need for rows or ultimatums that have no effect anyway.  Be yourself when he comes home and allow the knowledge (and confidence) that you do have carry you through.  I have read your post to BB – you meant what you were saying – you are ready, you are strong.   If the visit does result in the neutral chit chat, then so be it, we can talk about it afterwards.  At the moment you have too many what ifs floating about and you probably need this visit to realise how you have changed and possibly how he has too.   I will look forward to your post-visit post but whatever it says we can deal with it.   The metaphor ‘Rome wasn’t built in a Day’ has just sprung into my mind.   You are putting bits of your jigsaw together – it is probably the biggest puzzle you will ever do and it is never going to be finished in one visit.  
    I hate feeling vulnerable too and it still happens at ***** but I do now know that I can rise above it – as you will.
    Velvet
    Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion.  You must set yourself on fire first.
     

    #1832
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Adele
    I am running out of time today but I have to post to you because you are doing so well – not only are you ‘growing as a person’ but you are supporting others brilliantly.   You deserve the nice accolades you have received so believe them – or else!   I’m not sure who else is but she sounds a positive person.
    Your husband has ‘done’ something positive instead of talking about it so tomorrow hopefully you can relax and have the wonderful silver wedding anniversary you wanted.   Who ***** Hawaii when you can have a round of golf and a nice dinner anyway?   No answer is required!
    So just for ‘today’ Adele, which is of course the only day we need to concern ourselves with, you are feeling happier and more confident.   My message is short and simple therefore ‘keep going and doing what you are doing because it is working’.   Well done.
    Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Adele on their Silver Wedding Anniversary.  I will raise a cyber glass of glorious cyber champagne to you both.
    V
     

    #1833
    buffdazza
    Participant

    Hey Adele
    Still new to the forum and realised I could see your story. I can already feel your anguish at reading your first post in this thread. I have to attend a GA meeting tonight but will look forward (if that’s the right term here) to reading through these 12pages and IF i can offer any support or encouragement to you….and I hope I can….I will xWhen you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that… you find someone to carry you.

    #1834
    adele
    Participant

    Hi Velvet –
    Thank you very much for the anniversary cyber toast (and the encouragement as always).
    I hope you have a WONDERFUL time on your vacation! 
    See if Mr. Velvet can sing this to you in french … http://lyricstranslate.com/en/you-got-it-tu-las.html
    You know what they say:
              "When in France ….. "
    Adele
     

    #1835
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Adele

    The mere thought of Mr V singing in French is enough to scare the horses!

    This is my first post on the new site and you are my guinea pig.

    It’s been a while since you posted so I can’t really comment on your situation – how about an update.

    Speak soon

    V

    #1836
    adele
    Participant

    (I found this between 2 posts on 5/03/2013)
    Hi Adele
    Permalink Submitted by velvet on Tue, 09/24/2013 – 20:34
    Hi Adele

    The mere thought of Mr V singing in French is enough to scare the horses!

    This is my first post on the new site and you are my guinea pig.

    It’s been a while since you posted so I can’t really comment on your situation – how about an update.

    Speak soon

    V

    (Now here’s my post … ugh!)

    Hello V!

    It is so good to hear your humor again. I hope your holiday in France was wonderful!

    Mr. V’s French crooning wouldn’t have scared us guinea pigs! (oink oink! … wait, do guinea pigs oink or snort?)

    This is my first ‘Purple Post’ too. I’m sorry to say I became too frustrated when the site came back up (things are frustrating enough around here .. lol) and decided it was probably best I stayed away ‘til things improved (my mood for instance) lest I spew asterisks everywhere…

    Our beloved site does seem to have come out of surgery too soon, and missing vital parts.

    Glad you’re back! I’ll post more later if this one turns out OK … eeesh

    Adele

    #1837
    adele
    Participant

    Good grief … my last post showed up between 2 posts on 5/3/13!

    I’m gonna see if this one will stick to my 9/5 post since I clicked on it’s “reply” button …

    #1838
    adele
    Participant

    Apparently you have to click on the “reply” button within the last post on the thread or it gets tossed around. Too bad I couldn’t underline or italicize the word within to emphasize …

    #1839
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Adele

    Thank you for sticking with us – we are indeed having teething trouble and unfortunately due to sickness some cannot as yet be ironed out.
    I have made a note of all your comments and I will pass them on.
    Now you have found the way to get a post in the right place, it would be great if you updated.

    V

    #1840
    adele
    Participant

    typing in the “add new comment”box at the bottm of the thread.

    #1841
    adele
    Participant

    this appended to the others that showed up in between my 5/3/13 posts.

    edit:

    #1842
    adele
    Participant

    this is typed by clicking the purple “reply” button WITHIN the last post box on the thread.

    #1843
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Adele

    I meant an update on ‘you’.

    I saw elsewhere that you know your husband has been on the site.

    This is ‘my’ experience and although I know that others have done the same, it is no way designed to be a statement of how it should be done. What you decide to do is entirely up to you. When a CG wants to use this site as a place to learn and talk about their addiction it can be useful if there is an agreement that the F&F loved one doesn’t read the CG’s posts. The reason being that CGs can, obviously, say things that are controversial because their memories don’t necessarily coincide with the truth and the F&F member, loved one, can feel the need to criticize or correct, thus removing the protection and freedom of speech that anonymity offers. I do know that many CG do read the F&F forum and I also know they can find it very painful but generally speaking, I think, this is not as problematic as the other way round. A CG ‘can’ use the forum as a means of manipulation and I am definitely not saying that this is inevitable.

    I hope that makes sense – but if it doesn’t you know where to come to and how to post your question.

    Velvet

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 124 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.