Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 124 total)
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  • #1844
    vera
    Participant

    just sent you a waste of time post adele …never arrived

    #1845
    adele
    Participant

    Hi Vera,

    Your post to me (above) landed in just the right spot… However Velvet’s post to me on the 29th did not! HA!

    I think you will be notified by email about my response here because I clicked on the purple “reply” button under your post to me before typing this in the “comment” box.

    This is one of the cool things about the new site. The emails are generated automatically by the website though, not by the members. GT would never give your email address out to anyone without your explicit permission.

    I know you’re having a tough time, so I hope you will “come in out of the rain” and give this site a chance to grow on you. I think it’s going to be something else!

    Adele

    #1846
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Adele

    You are doing so well putting information out about the site but you still have not answered my request for an update on ‘you’ and I know you have seen it because you found my post of 29th.

    V

    #1847
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Adele

    No more asterisks, Ive removed the profanity filter which may have some negative impacts in the short term . ill be adding some back, you know the obvious ones but some words may get through and some may offend so please keep emailing us with your ideas and comments.. please keep helping us improve the site, the new sites potential is by far greater than the old GT and can only get better with the ideas and support of our members. Some ideas we may not be able to facilitate due to financial constraints but you never know what’s round the corner.

    Id just like to echo what Velvet has said; you’ve been fabulous helping me find problems and making me delve deeper into issues but this site is about YOU and how we can help YOU, please update us on your recovery

    #1848
    adele
    Participant

    Okay V and Harry, here it is … an update from Adele…. Thanks so much for your posts! It is such a blessing to know someone really cares ….

    First … I am inebriated (admittedly) having just returned from a long Happy Hour with my very best long time girlfriends who knew nothing of my husband’s addiction and what we have been going through until tonight …. Yep, I was determined to drink enough to tell them about what has been going on in my life.

    My best friend has known all along, but these other 2 women are like sisters … maybe better… Lord help me it was gut wrenching, but they did not judge me, they only have compassion and concern for me … why did I not tell them sooner?
    We have been through so much together … I have known and loved them for 30 years!

    I am so relieved …. I may wake up tomorrow regretting my drunken confessions, but I don’t think so. There is something so special about a deep-seated relationship with women who know you so well and love you anyway.

    Let me see now if I can summarize what has gone in “my house” recently …
    My Silver Anniversary (9-3-13) was basically a non-event … hubby gave me a sweet card, but for the first time in our marriage, I did not have an anniversary card or a birthday card for him .. I just had no feelings in that way … (his bd is 8/25) .. I felt bad sort of … but not terribly … he seemed to understand.

    Fast forward to this last week: I got really sick on Sunday and went to the doctor on Tuesday (pneumonia) and my physician told me I shouldn’t be alone, so I texted my husband to come home… which he did (about 5 hours later). He ended up falling asleep at the wheel at 3 am Wednesday morning and rolling his truck out in the middle of nowhere …. My worst nightmare come true.

    Long story short, he is, for the most part okay, and home right now until he sees a surgeon tomorrow … has no means to gamble although the creditors are hounding him multiple times daily. I’m trying to see this whole event as a weird blessing in disguise …
    I apologize if this is disjointed and doesn’t make sense ….. I drank 5 Fresheritas (yummiest thing EVER!) tonight … and I am feeling absolutely no pain of any sort right now! But I knew I was going to post something tonight no matter what.

    I think I should mention that I have been a bit astounded that I was not more strongly affected by my husband’s wreck (and near death experience) … I mean I was upset – sort of – but I was so out of it with fever and infection, I just basically went back to sleep when he called me to tell me he had had a bad wreck! What’s wrong with me?
    Okay, that’s enough for now … I’ll probly read this tomorrow and say “oops!!” and delete the whole thing! (no I won’t … sorry, this is just me in the raw)
    I really really hope everyone is getting the hang of the new website and … Vera – keep trying PLEASE! – and I hope if you stayed away for any reason that you will come back soon!!!
    Goodnight everyone ….

    Adele

    #1849
    sirena0215
    Participant

    Hi Adele, I don’t mean to but in, so pardon me if my note seems intrusive. I’ve been following your story with interest and just wanted to let you know that I hope you get better soon. Both physically and emotionally. We’re all on your side and can see your energy and health is waning. Things have changed drastically for you, and it will probably be some time before adjustments to your emotional independence and new mental models can be fully made. I can see you’ve tried to be strong and generous for your CG in the past. You’ve also been a supportive voice for many of us here on GT, including me. I want to return the favor and let you know I’m sending good thoughts your way. Take care and don’t forget to be kind to yourself! All the Best, Sirena

    #1850
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Adele

    And I thought you were not posting because you had nothing you felt you needed to say!

    This is cyber space Adele and as such we cannot ‘know’ each other in the same way as if we were physically close. I ‘think’ I understand totally your feelings, as to why you were astounded at your reaction to your husband’s near death experience and it can only be with those thoughts I form my reply.

    It would be naïve to suggest that all non-CGs are going to react in the same way, even when they have been given the same support and knowledge. I cannot imagine anybody being instantly prepared to deal with this addiction in a totally empathetic, sympathetic way when it is forced into their lives, unasked for, by another. In my opinion there has to be a toll and depending on the individuals the toll will be different.

    Only an individual can determine how deep their abyss is. In my opinion there can never be a judgement on the different ways non-CG deal with the addiction. You have been hit by something you did not expect or sign up for and whatever your outcome and feelings you will be understood on here.

    There is nothing wrong, with you, or your feelings. I suggest you didn’t feel as you would have expected to because the addiction has temporarily suffocated your ability to feel empathetic towards the person who has hurt you but based on experience I truly believe this can change.

    I suggest that you give yourself time. I am not a believer that that what is said when a person is Brahms and Liszt ( cockney rhyming slang for your condition) is always the absolute truth but maybe it is an indication, maybe not.

    In the cold light of day I know you will read what you have written and ponder what it means and I will be interested to read your ponderings.

    I know you have accepted that your husband did not ask for or want this addiction but that does not completely diminish the effect it has had on you. Give yourself time. Your recovery is on-going and is not complete. Anger, frustration and struggling with foreign emotions is not something you wake up and find resolved overnight. Keep posting. I know you will come to your own informed decision.

    Your friends sound terrific – you are very lucky to have them although I suspect you deserve them. Now was obviously the right time to tell them so don’t concern yourself with why you didn’t before.

    Good to hear you posting about you again

    V

    #1851
    velvet
    Moderator

    I sent this hours ago so I am hoping it sticks this time

    Dear Adele

    And I thought you were not posting because you had nothing you felt you needed to say!

    This is cyber space Adele and as such we cannot ‘know’ each other in the same way as if we were physically close. I ‘think’ I understand totally your feelings, as to why you were astounded at your reaction to your husband’s near death experience and it can only be with those thoughts I form my reply.

    It would be naïve to suggest that all non-CGs are going to react in the same way, even when they have been given the same support and knowledge. I cannot imagine anybody being instantly prepared to deal with this addiction in a totally empathetic, sympathetic way when it is forced into their lives, unasked for, by another. In my opinion there has to be a toll and depending on the individuals the toll will be different.

    Only an individual can determine how deep their abyss is. In my opinion there can never be a judgement on the different ways non-CG deal with the addiction. You have been hit by something you did not expect or sign up for and whatever your outcome and feelings you will be understood on here.

    There is nothing wrong, with you, or your feelings. I suggest you didn’t feel as you would have expected to because the addiction has temporarily suffocated your ability to feel empathetic towards the person who has hurt you but based on experience I truly believe this can change.

    I suggest that you give yourself time. I am not a believer that that what is said when a person is Brahms and Liszt ( cockney rhyming slang for your condition) is always the absolute truth but maybe it is an indication, maybe not.

    In the cold light of day I know you will read what you have written and ponder what it means and I will be interested to read your ponderings.

    I know you have accepted that your husband did not ask for or want this addiction but that does not completely diminish the effect it has had on you. Give yourself time. Your recovery is on-going and is not complete. Anger, frustration and struggling with foreign emotions is not something you wake up and find resolved overnight. Keep posting. I know you will come to your own informed decision.

    Your friends sound terrific – you are very lucky to have them although I suspect you deserve them. Now was obviously the right time to tell them so don’t concern yourself with why you didn’t before.

    Good to hear you posting about you again

    V

    #1852
    madge456
    Participant

    WOW! You have been through lot. I have to say I can relate to your posting – I often think if my husband had been thru a similar accident I might have reacted the same way – There is nothing wrong with you – I think when someone hurts you over and over, you suffer from “empathy fatigue” – you are so sick of feel bad for them and carrying them that at some point they are too heavy and you can’t do it anymore.. I relate.. I feel the same way..
    You need to take care of yourself – I know everyone SAYS this but it sound like you are really sick. Without your health, you have nothing. So don’t worry about your reaction to your hubby or anything – you need all your strength. Breathe. Relax and heal.
    With love
    M

    #1853
    adele
    Participant

    Velvet – you are so right –the weekend scenario did not happen at all as I thought.
    He didn’t come home.
    He texted me late Friday night:
    (HIM 8:30 pm) “Ok leaving location going back to yard. Will be on my way home around 10. Will have to go back Sunday afternoon.”
    (ME 8:58pm) “Seems awfully late to be heading this way.”
    (HIM 9:11pm) “I am awfully tired, but don’t want you thinking that instead of going home I’m going somewhere else.”
    (HIM AGAIN 9:23pm) “Oh yes the best reason is I miss you.”
    (ME 9:58pm) “I don’t really think about where you are all the time anymore – and that helps me. Sadly, I know you are going to be wherever your addiction wants you to be.”
    Apparently just as I texted this to him, he was having trouble trying to get gas with his Bluebird card and he texted me at the same time asking me to check the settings on the account, etc., so I don’t know if he saw or read my last text. I changed the permissions on his card and he was able to put gas in his personal vehicle. Then he texted:
    (HIM 10:20pm) “Ok thanks. See you in a few hours.”
    (ME) “I don’t think you should come in tonight.”
    (HIM) “I think I can make it.”
    (ME) “Stay there and get rest.”
    (HIM) “Ok, I’ll try to be there around noon or 1”
    The next morning …
    (HIM 9:44 am) “Well, I’m still here. They had a small equipment fire in one of the blenders that is in my crew. Nobody hurt, but the finger pointing has started as to who is at fault. I am supporting my service supervisor”
    (HIM AGAIN 9:59 am) “They are saying he is not watching making sure his hands are doing their jobs. So unless you need me at home for something I am going to stay and hopefully get some rest. I have pulled several 24 hour days in the last few weeks. I have very little money, so I’m not staying to go to any casinos. I do have vacation scheduled for the first week in September. Let me know if you need me to come home and I will come on in. Love you.”
    (ME 10:46 am) “I am fine here. Like I said before, I can’t afford to worry about where you are all the time anymore. I have accepted the truth and the truth is that your addiction is in control of your life and your decisions.
    I don’t want a relationship with an addiction so it is just as well you aren’t coming home – because I don’t know how to act around you.
    I am told you won’t really hear half of what I just said, or your addiction will distort the meaning, but I needed to say it anyway.
    Please take care of yourself.
    I love you … the real you.”
    There is a part of me (my ego) that wants to believe he really wanted to come home to me Friday night, but I didn’t want him to – so I pushed him away with my harsh words. … Did I do that???
    But then I think the truth, which is so hard to see clearly sometimes, is that I wanted him here – but knew (in my heart) from his very first text he wasn’t coming home.
    Maybe I am slumping back in the passenger seat, avoiding his addiction by not seeing or talking to him. It has been 4 weeks today and I think the silence has served its purpose – at least for me.
    I think what you say is true Jenny – right or wrong, the choices I’ve made were right for me at the time. And V, I realize it is also true that I can’t undo what I know; that l have forever changed and will never unwittingly be taken down by this addiction.
    So … I have been sitting here twisting my hair and staring at the words “You are ready for this Adele. You are as ready as any of us would ever be at the stage you are at.” I have no idea if this is true or not V, but I do think it is time to try something different – right or wrong.
    I know my husband has put in for vacation the first week of September because our 25th wedding anniversary is the 3rd. This is not where I want us to be on our Silver Anniversary. Rather suddenly I have decided (or maybe I am having a weak moment – who cares?) that I still love this man very much and I want us to find some way to celebrate the milestone and the many good years we’ve had together. I need a little kindle for that fire …
    I will need to work it out in my head, but I think I may be “spontaneous” and call him to test the waters. He certainly won’t be expecting this …
    Thank you all for listening once again.
    Hopeful as ever,
    Adele

    #1854
    adele
    Participant

    First I must apologize that I have not been supportive of others on this site lately. I have been reading though, and I see many of you – like me – struggling, and I am so sorry for that. I simply haven’t had the heart (or the time) to post. I’m going to get back in gear soon I’m sure. I am thinking of you all, and wishing the best for each of you as you persevere.

    My sister has gone home …
    My sister left late Saturday afternoon to go home after being here with me for over 2 weeks. We both cried because we have so enjoyed being together during this bittersweet time, and because we know so many of our parents’ possessions and our family home for the last 40 years are about to be sold to complete strangers. I cried too because when she went home, I was once again left alone with my painful secret – and the weight of it crashed in on me Saturday night. I laid in bed most of Sunday; exhausted from the physical labor of the last few weeks, and emotionally raw.

    Another setback …
    I found out Wednesday that my husband had gambled again: He went to the casino with $600 withdrawn from his account for the supposed purpose of paying on two of his gambling debts. The scenario played out the same as always with all the same nonsense that I have determined I will no longer tolerate: First I got the text notification from his bank that $600 had been withdrawn. I texted him “…What for…?” He texted back “… to pay Advancial and Pay Pal …” Then he didn’t make his usual phone call to me that evening. Then he wouldn’t respond to my text … Same old same old … blah blah blah!

    Wednesday, 7/10/13 at 10:30pm – Me: “Well … you know what I’m thinking … are you where I think you are? Or have you been?” An hour later I haven’t heard back from him.
    So at 11:30pm – Me again: “OK I won’t play this game with you anymore. Either text me now or don’t contact me at all until you get your shit together and I’ll just go on with my own thing again. “
    Him (immediately): “OK I screwed up again”
    Me: “How much?”
    Him: “$600”
    Me: “So you didn’t pay your Advancial or Paypal?”
    Him: “ No”
    Me: “I don’t know what to say right now … Get some help D … before you lose everything.”
    Him: “Hopefully Derek [the counselor] will call and I can get an appointment”
    Me: “OK, well I think I’m done for awhile – I have too much going on right now and I’m going to try very hard not to let this shut me down .. I hope you get things worked out soon.”
    Him: “I’m sorry.”
    Me: “Stop being sorry and pitiful and just decide once and for all if you want to gamble or be married to me. I want to go on with my life one way or the other.”
    Him: “I will.”

    On Friday, (7/12) I sent him this email – which he has not responded to …

    “ I don’t want you to think I have given up. I am, of course, so very disappointed that you went to the casino Wednesday night – but part of me knew when you took that $600 out and told me it was to pay your Advancial and Pay Pal accounts, it would never be used to pay on your gambling debts. But I did have hope that just maybe you would make the right decision.

    It was a big step backwards from what I have been trying hard to believe has been a lot of forward motion – i.e. you not going to the casino, and leaving the money alone in your USAA account to have for paying your gambling debts. I would have been more hopeful if you had managed to make arrangements with the counselor sooner (I know you could have put more effort into that so don’t make excuses ok?), but those things were enough to keep me somewhat at peace.

    But now, you have given a big chunk of your money back to the casino that you needed to pay your debts – and on top of that you have removed my number and email address from your USAA account. These are just more steps backwards and confirming to me that, despite my optimism (or naivety), you are continuing to choose your addiction over your life with me.

    Now I am left wondering if you ever intended to pay Advancial and Pay Pal, or if you had been thinking about it and planning all day to pull the money out and go to the casino.

    My resolve stands D: As long as we are together and married – I will not provide money to pay your debts until you are actively getting help and have stopped gambling. You will have to deal with the creditors hounding you, and whatever else comes with that. “
    I haven’t texted or heard from him since Wednesday night.

    I don’t know what happened with him: He’s been managing his gambling fairly well (small amounts on his phone), he’s left the money in his account alone and he’s seemed to have been a little more open and honest with me these last few weeks. He came home Wednesday night and worked hard with us all weekend. He seemed so positive that things were getting straightened out here, and that HE was going to get straightened out (I think you misunderstood that in my last post V). I am just flabbergasted that 2 days later he falls right back into sneaking around, lying, secrets, ignoring me, blah blah blah! I see by his emails that since Wednesday, his online gambling and porn site surfing has escalated – which I have come to expect by now.

    AHHHHHH!!!! How much longer can I do this?!?! I regard my commitment to this marriage as a sacred vow – but I am surely being tested ….

    Dear Heavenly Father,
    I pray for the serenity to know and truly accept in my mind and heart that I alone can never rid my beloved of the horrid, soul wrenching obsession to gamble, and I pray you grant him the same clarity.
    Lord, please give me the strength and courage I need to continue finding ways to cope with the painful wreckage of his addiction, and to love and support him without losing my own heart and soul to this wretched beast.
    And finally, should the time come that all is done that can be done, and I have exhausted every avenue and made every effort to save my marriage and to help my husband save himself … I beg your forgiveness … but please, oh please Lord, grant me the wisdom and your blessed assurance to know it is so and release my heart from this burden.
    Amen

    #1855
    adele
    Participant

    Sirena,

    I greatly appreciate your kind and encouraging words, and thank you for the good thoughts – I’ve needed them lately. My health is improving thanks to really good drugs and lots of rest. So now I just need to find ways to regain my energy because I’m going to need it.

    Your posts always make me think, and send me googling many times, lol. I think some of your posts are missing from your thread because I was looking for one in particular where I believe you mentioned the UCLA Gambling Studies Program (which I have used a great deal) and you were researching a theory about the addiction and how it affected the brain. Do you still have that post?

    I have found a few of mine missing, so I have copied and pasted them back into my thread. It is possible to insert them in the right place chronologically by clicking on the Reply button on the post just before the post you are trying to repost. (that sounds pretty confusing – hope you are able to make sense of it!)

    Anyway, thanks for posting here, and I hope you will continue to post your thoughts and experiences as you proceed through your recovery. It is tremendously helpful to me and many others I’m sure, and I think it can’t help but be beneficial to you too.

    Hope to see you on here soon,

    Adele

    #1856
    adele
    Participant

    Dear Madge,

    Thank you for your concern and for posting here. I am feeling much better now, physically and emotionally thankfully.

    I think your term “empathy fatigue” is fitting. After being guarded with my feelings for my husband for so long, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of emotional stuff left…

    I have been following your thread with interest, empathy and sympathy since you first began posting here. Your situation is so complex – I think I have felt inept to respond with anything that would have been helpful. I am so glad you have gotten such great replies from others.

    You have done exceptionally well in making yourself aware of your husband’s gambling addiction in addition to his other issues – all the while maintaining a level of normalcy for your children. This is no small feat Madge – you may not feel it, but you have shown tremendous strength in all that you have been through.

    We have had some interesting and unexpected interventions (you dropping the decoration on your foot and my husband’s rollover) that put a twist in both our recoveries and our CG’s recoveries haven’t we? I am interested in hearing how things are going with you since you (I assume) have been back on your feet.

    I hope you will post soon and continue to explore and share your experiences here. It makes such a difference for me when I post regularly.

    Adele

    #1857
    adele
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I have not posted in awhile, and neither has anyone else. What’s up with us F&Fs?!

    So now it’s hard to post for some reason … out of practice I guess. I could kick myself for not posting. It always helps me to keep things somewhat sorted in my head, and the encouragement and input from all of you is sometimes the best thing that happens to me in a day.

    I log on here 3 or 4 times a day to see if anyone else is posting because I genuinely care about your recovery journeys – and I figure most of you feel like I do about posting on this site. I (we?) have a long way to go in my recovery, and I know I need this site for support – and to grow and learn by supporting others.

    So anyway, since I posted about my husband’s wreck, he has been home on medical leave (at my request) due to a compression fracture in one of his lumbar vertebrae. Not much can be done about it. It will take 3 months to heal with rest, taking it easy and no heavy lifting. I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I asked if it would be better if my husband didn’t go back to work just yet. The doctor agreed, so he is not released to work until his next appointment on November 6th.

    I have to believe all this has happened for a reason … a real chance for my husband to break free of this addiction. I didn’t have to text HIM that day from the doctor’s office. My sister would have come and stayed with me, or my best friend… but I texted HIM.

    Part of me wanted to know if he cared enough to come home … if he would come rushing to my side in time of need. To be honest, I think I actually wanted to be sick enough to scare the crap out of him – and thought that would somehow make him suddenly realize how important I am to him; that he didn’t want to continue to destroy our marriage. I feel somewhat guilty about his wreck and for asking him to come home, but even that emotion is stifled by the addiction.

    Such irrational, selfish thinking in my little pity party – I know better. I’ve just been getting impatient wanting things to change – wanting HIM to change.

    Anyway, I told him I feel like this is our best and possibly only opportunity to get this thing turned around, and he seems to feel the same way, just not as intensely as I do – as usual.

    We’ve talked and realize that we both want our marriage to survive and to do that he has to get a job here, and we have to get some counseling. He, of course needs therapy for his CG addiction, I need counseling for a host of issues, and WE need couples counseling to see if there is a marriage to save. Our first appointment is in the morning. I will be praying tonight that the counselor is right for us.

    What a mess we are! It’s so strange to have all this rumbling underneath the surface, and yet we go out with friends, visit with family, go shopping … sometimes I just shake my head.

    I am hoping for the best tomorrow but trying not to expect too much.

    Hope to see some of your posts soon.

    Adele

    #1858
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Adele

    Like you I have been wondering where everybody is. I know it is more difficult to write after some time without having someone to respond to or something to say.

    I don’t find your thinking irrational or even laced with self-pity; I think that many of us will have wanted to be sick enough for a spark of attention that could lead to hope that our loved one cared more for us than their addiction. The CG’s addiction will normally override the non-CG’s feelings when they are coping with illness, birth, death, or any other hiccoughs in life when the non-CG cries out for support. The gamble is usually the CG’s way to cope with such cries. Your husband reacted well.

    I believe, therefore, that your CG did show true concern for you and I hope you are over your pneumonia.

    I am not sure that things like this happen for a reason but I do see opportunity in your illness and his accident. It has given you both precious time to talk and time for his mind to think of other things apart from his addiction. Nobody knows when true recoveries start but start they do.

    I shall look forward to hearing about your first counselling meeting and I hope the counsellor is just right for both of you.

    Your comment about the rumbling underneath the surface has struck me many times over the years. I remember being told in Gamanon that alcoholics fall over, drug addict’s eyes reflect their addiction but you can pass a CG in the street and never know – likewise you can never know if people you associate with are carrying heavy burdens too. I suspect there are many heads shaken every minute of every day.

    It was so good to see your post. It is so good to hear positive rumblings in your post.

    As Ever

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