19 November 2013 at 6:53 am #1889san250Participant
if it’s meant to be, it will work out Adele. I haven’t had a chance to read all your latest threads but I am pleased to read you have found another ‘in tune’ therapist and it sounds like some changes have been made.
When I read your latest thread it reminded me of my children going off to school for the first time. Between you, your husband has the tools to make it work and now it’s wait and see time.
I love you are now going to work on you, it will make you stronger for whatever is ahead. Just letting you know you’re being thought of. Take care. San x22 November 2013 at 12:16 pm #1890
I am not surprised you cried on your way home from the airport – it was probably a release of different emotions and needed a good cry.
Your husband has gone away with tools he didn’t possess before, enough money to feed him and a back up to make sure he doesn’t starve for a few days. I am really pleased that ‘he’ bought the notebook – it is his personal journal and he made the effort to kick-start that journal by making the purchase. As you know so clearly now, I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would be careful not to nag too much about whether or not he has been writing his thoughts and actions for each day. It is time for him to grow up and do this for himself. I think that gentle interest is ok occasionally but I hope he realises that this journal is for him and his mind – it is not to set his worried wife’s mind at rest. The addiction to gamble is totally selfish and the early control of the addiction has to be completely selfish too. You do not need Dumbledore’s Pensieve to read his memory – you will get your answers in his behaviour because a person who puts this particular burden down is a lot lighter and it is visible.
However as you so rightly say ‘now’ is the time to work on you. I am hoping that in the short time you have not been visible on the site you have been doing things for yourself and enjoying the freedom of not having the addiction in your face. The time that your husband will be away on this trip will be a drop in the ocean compared to the time you will have gamble-free in the future so use it wisely.
I want to hear action on the home-front Adele – lovely gentle enjoyable action, nothing pressurised. This is ‘your’ time.
I know we will speak soon but in the meantime – my thoughts are with you
V18 December 2013 at 2:26 pm #1891
I have waited with bated breath for the update you recently implied would be in my sticky mit very shortly. Now with all my breath bated-out I hope to receive an update.
You are slipping down the forum which sometimes means that all is well. Does it????
V23 December 2013 at 12:17 pm #1892ellParticipant
Adele i hope like velvet wrote you that everything is well ? I miss your posts , I really loved to see an upadate ?
When you read your thread i would like to send you from my heart all my best wishes to you and your family .
We are all here for you adele , i hope that everything goes well.
with all my love ell5 January 2014 at 12:50 pm #1893
I have brought you to the top in the hope of an update.
I am hoping that the therapist that you have found is answering your needs and that is why you have gone so very quiet.
Something tells me we will hear from you again but until then, please be aware you are remembered, cared about and always welcome.
V5 January 2014 at 7:10 pm #1894madge456Participant
I was also thinking about you and hoping all is well –
Hopefully no news is good news?? I look forward to hearing about how it is all going – How the time apart has been and how you have been feeling. Just look at all the people checking on you! How lovely to have so much support!
M16 April 2014 at 11:50 pm #1895
It has been great to see you supporting others but I don’t think you will be surprised to see that I have dragged your thread up to the top.
I would love an update on ‘you’ either here on in a group. I have missed you.
Velvet25 April 2014 at 8:16 am #1896
I have been In Between long enough.
The movers are coming tomorrow to finish packing things in our house, and Monday morning they will load all of our belongings into a moving van headed to the beautiful Hill Country of Texas.
In December I decided to “take a leap of faith” and move down south where my husband has been working (and living) for more than 2 years.
To my knowledge he has not gambled since before his accident in late September, and I am encouraged and more hopeful than ever. However, he has not attended meetings, read any literature, written in a journal, or asked me to schedule any more appointments with our counselor, so I am well aware that he could, and likely will relapse. I’ve seen it said many times “abstinence is not recovery”.
We will be living close to San Antonio and should have many more resources available to us, including Gamblers Anonymous. I plan to find a Gamanon group as soon as possible, but it will be up to my husband to go to GA.
I have and will continue to maintain the barriers: He has no access to money except what cash I give him and what I put on his Bluebird card – which he cannot use at ATMs or online, and I can see every transaction. He has not complained about this arrangement and it is working well for us.
I have been purging my home of things that have been difficult to let go of for so long, and now I am working to release my mind and heart of the pain, anger and guilt I have lived with for too many years.
Trust may always be out of reach for me, at least the kind of trust I once had in my husband: It was so certain and comforting and safe. I’m not sure that kind of trust is necessary in this new relationship we seem to be developing. I don’t know … but I’m not going to worry about it today.
The time I have spent on this forum (almost a year now) has changed me. My spirit is awakening from near death, and I am so much stronger than I was. I am looking forward to a fresh start: New things, new friends, new adventures, injecting meaningful things into my life, and continuing to put the pieces together.
“Take one thing that you used to do and do it.” How many times have you said that Velvet? Next week I am buying a 2003 Harley Davidson 100th Anniversary Screamin’ Eagle Softail Deuce (that’s a motorcycle V – ha ha :), and I definitely plan to have fun blowing a few cobwebs away!
I am no longer waiting around for spontaneous combustion V … in fact, I’m about to light the match!
Thank you all for the support and encouragement you have given me over the last year – I don’t even want to think about where I might have been without you.
Adele25 April 2014 at 8:24 am #1897san250Participant
What a wonderful post to wake up to and read! You’ve come so far and I wish you much happiness in your new home and new ‘life’. This is one occasion I wish we could share photos … would love to see your new Harley! Wishing you many many happy journeys. Very best wishes San xx25 April 2014 at 12:22 pm #1898
What I love most about this wonderful post is that it is about ‘you’ and it is full of ‘your’ recovery which is the absolute best thing for you and your CG husband.
Gamanon will benefit so much from having you with them, you will uplift your fellows and give them hope which is a terrific way to take a bad experience and make it into something good. Don’t forget to always take support as well as give it though.
The barriers are right and good for both you and your husband – they create the ability to have a form of trust. You in control of the money and him having enough to live on is, in my opinion, an excellent way to start your new life together.
I purged my home 7 years ago when I moved, letting go of anything that cluttered my life and although I have gathered a little clutter since it is minimal. I too left behind the pain, anger and guilt – they didn’t belong in my brave new world.
I would be worried if you didn’t consider trust to be still out of reach – trusting too quickly helps neither of you. Your life will develop with a greater understanding and if that means that total trust remains always slightly out of reach it will not be the be all and end all and certainly not a concern for today.
Now for the nitty gritty. I may not be good on pop stars (apart from Roy Orbison and Elvis) but don’t ever doubt my ability to know what a Harley Davidson is. I’ll have you know I was a leather clad, ton-up girl who spent her holidays on the Isle of Man at the TT races and wore Castrol R for perfume. That free-spirited girl lives on in this ancient frame – so ya shucks boo, this old chick knows her motorbikes!
My dream was to own a Harley and to tour America and Australia with my husband strapped to the pillion but he freaked at the idea so I have a sneaking suspicion I can only do it vicariously through reading your fantastic post. Thanks for the trip of nostalgia.
I have calculated that when I run my Tuesday group it is 5pm in San Antonio so maybe one day when you are not gallivanting around you could pop in and leave me drooling at your exploits. On Thursday it is 4pm Texas time.
Strike that match and live – I could ask for nothing better for you and I believe for your husband too which also gives me enormous pleasure. It has been a complete joy and delight to ‘know’ you.
V25 April 2014 at 4:03 pm #1899madge456Participant
So happy to read such a positive post. It gives me some strength to know that things can get better. Your statement “Trust may always be out of reach for me…”made me cry. …I feel the same way but was feeling that this made my relationship a failure. Don’t you need trust, I thought? But the way you phrased it made me look at it another way, as a work in progress. ..I hope I can be in as good a place as you are one day. We are working on it but I am honestly feeling pretty hopeless at this point.
Gotta run..The kids just came out.
But I wanted to say how happy I am for you and that you are giving hope to others during their dark days. ..
Madge2 May 2014 at 4:04 pm #1900moniqueParticipant
I hope your new plans all work out really well and you find peace and happiness.
Monique21 October 2014 at 9:16 pm #1901
As promised – This is a post written by a CG in response to another CG who was asking if recovery can be achieved without support.
“Great question and one that’s been asked so many times. I couldn’t have given up without help.
The question is asked can I stop alone? I can’t say 100% ‘no’ recovery can’t be gained without help
1. I’ve not met every gambler, but as yet I’ve not met a true CG whose found recovery without help
2. Not every Gambler is compulsive, they may just have used gambling recreationally and it has run away with them for a short while, but we have to remember that this addiction is progressive. If you ask any CG, who has accepted recovery, when it was they went from recreational to problematic to compulsive I doubt they could answer
A compulsive gambler in denial will be asking and answering their own distorted questions with their own distorted answers, the perpetual cycle will continue until someone can challenge what you’re saying and thinking. This then brings up the next question “when does a CG know that they are thinking in a distorted way”. The answer in my opinion is to talk to people who are living without distorted thoughts such as other CG’s in recovery who have almost definitely done this and know they can’t trust their own thoughts, this can be done at GA, GT, CBT, Counselling etc or any other support group… trying to find recovery alone will remove this option and that in my opinion is the biggest reason a CG cannot find recovery alone.
Then my last question is “why would we want to find recovery alone”? The answer is normally “I’m Ashamed” or in some instances the truth is a CG knows the above and hasn’t quite got to the point yet of accepting the reality of his or her addiction”
As an addendum – I also have never heard of a CG who has controlled their addiction without support.
Hope this helps
V22 October 2014 at 1:50 am #1902
Thanks V30 May 2017 at 5:39 pm #1903
I have not been on the site in some time, and now I see that you lost someone very dear to you in February, although I am not able to ascertain what has happened.
I think of you so often, and how different my life would be had I not met you on this site back in May of 2013. You walked with me during my recovery for over a year during the most difficult and painful time I believe I will ever have to experience. And now my husband and I are having fun again, living a very nice life – without the addiction to gamble. I am forever grateful to you, Velvet, and this site.
I wish I had been here for you in your time of need as you have always been for so many of us on this site. My condolences are belated but no less heartfelt and sincere. I pray you are surrounded by many who love you during your bereavement.
And I hope you are taking care of YOU my dear friend Velvet.
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