3 February 2022 at 4:25 pm #147854
My ex husband has always had a problem with addiction. Drugs and gambling mainly. We separated 2 years ago, with a great amount of debt. 9 months ago we sold our house and split the proceeds. My money is safe and in my name. He used his to pay off his debts and he came out with 80k in the bank. He messaged me on Monday to tell me he needs my help. All his money is gone, and on top of that he is now 70k in debt. He has spent / lost £150k in 9 months. He is asking me to help him by paying off the debts which he will then pay me back each month. The interest he is paying on credit cards is ridiculous, so this cuts that out. I want to help him, I consider him my family. The love is unconditional. Even though I hate him right now. He is the father of my children, who we share 50/50. I have the funds to pay off the debt but I want to do it with conditions of him getting help. Should I get a solicitor involved? A mediator? Is it better that I don’t lend him the money? I feel heartbroken and devastated that in April he had a clean slate and the chance to start afresh and he’s lost it all and more. Any advice will be gratefully received.
3 February 2022 at 4:29 pm #147931
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
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Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
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You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
3 February 2022 at 7:09 pm #147939
I think you probably know the answers to your questions but wish that you didn’t.
Has your husband ever sought help for his addiction, does he even accept that he has a problem?
There is help for him Sad and it is possible for him to learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful gamble-free life but he has to accept and seek the help.
‘If’ you lent him the money to cover his gambling debts, it is a sad fact, I would go so far as to say a certainly, that he would see it as a green light to carry on gambling, deluded by addiction into believing that only in gambling will he ever escape reality. I doubt you would ever see that money again. A compulsive gambler does not think of money in the same way as you or me – money, to a gambler, is a means to an end and the end is ‘the gamble’. Your husband cannot win because he cannot walk away from ‘the gamble’ and it has nothing to do with money.
In my opinion, your husband should seek help from dedicated therapists and counsellors – on this site we are able to offer both and also to offer direction to other forms of support. We have, for instance, got the most amazing rehab facility in the UK, Gordon Moody. We also offer a fantastic Helpline that would willingly support your husband, they understand the addiction and they will also understand the desperation he is feeling right now. We have ‘gambler only’ support groups facilitated by Charles who will understand all that your husband is going through.
Many gamblers feel that nobody can understand them, they do not want to behave as they do but they do not know how to stop. Your husband is far from alone but he will probably think that he is.
I believe that giving him money, with conditions, will have achieve nothing apart from creating more debt. Your husband probably believes that he can sort his problem out with just one more loan, he would probably promise anything to get one but sadly, the word of a compulsive gambler counts for very little.
I would like very much if you could join me in a Friends and Family group where we could ‘talk’ in real time.
I am going to leave this initial reply and hopefully hear from you again soon. I would not be talking to you Sad, if I thought that your husband could not change his life but I know that he can.
I know he can be the man you want him to be and the man he would want to be. It takes dedication and hard work but if can be done.
You did well writing this first post, it can’t have been easy.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by velvet.
4 February 2022 at 12:22 am #147963Cruising247Participant
Unfortunately,Velvet’s response is so true. I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
Trust me, with you clearing your husband’s debit, he will skip all the way to his gambling site. He will try to win your money back so he can pay you back in one big lump sum. But what will happen is he will lose it all and go deeper into the hole.
The thing about being a compulsive gambler, it’s not about the money. We can be up by $50,000 with only $20,000 of debit and we still won’t stop playing.
A normal would run with that $50,000,and bank that extra $30,000. Not a compulsive gambler. We just bet a little higher to see if we can win more. When we have lost just about everything, we go ahead and bet high praying for a big pay off. Most of the time it doesn’t happen, by then they are taking every dime back ((plus).
Praying your husband seek the help he need. It’s a very very painful addiction and I would not wish it on anyone. Even when you want to get up and walk away, it feels like a stronger power is holding you down.
Praying for you as well, I am so sorry for the pain that this addiction has caused your family.
6 February 2022 at 12:55 am #148073lindParticipant
Your registered as heartbroken and I can understand that.
Your ex husband couldn’t control the last 9 months how can he control any money you were to lend him now?
I’m in the middle of divorce, I have paid dearly and I too have been heartbroken.
I understand that my husband is not ready for change and he can keep taking or I can say I love him but who is looking after me in this situation? Who makes me feel safe and secure?
What I want is my husband without the gambling, the chaos, the unhappiness, the lies. That person doesn’t exist at this moment, that is my dreams and my wishes for all that could have been.
You have yourself and your children to look after. That money can’t fix your ex husband but it can help you to have a life with your children that will allow you some security. You left the marriage but your maybe still holding on to the fantasy this time it will be different? To give your money to your husband is you gambling your safety security and that of your children.
Chose to take care of yourself and your kids and take some time to try and mend your heart
6 February 2022 at 6:51 pm #148125
I hope you come back to this page because I would really like to ‘talk’ to you.
You are in the middle of a divorce which is a painful place to be but in this forum you will find understanding for ‘you’. ‘You’ matter and you deserve to feel safe and secure.
I cannot support you on someone else’s thread so maybe you could start your own thread and allow me to share thoughts, ideas and experiences with you or perhaps you could come into a Friends and Family group and ‘talk’ to me in real time.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you a peaceful future out of the shadow of addiction.
7 February 2022 at 9:35 am #148146
Thank you so much for all your replies. To be clear, he is my ex husband, we are no longer together. And none of this is about hoping for a second chance in our marriage. Our marriage is over, he has a girlfriend, we live separate lives and have been for the last two years. I’ve always prided ourselves on the fact that we have a good relationship and that our family unit still works well. We share care of the kids 50/50, we co-parent well together. He has come to me for the loan as a friend. He knows I have the money as we sold our house together back in April.
As it stands now, he’s being really hostile towards me. I guess because I questioned whether drugs were involved in the over-spend over the last 9 months. He says drugs are not a problem for him. I’m now reluctant to lend the money for all the reasons you’ve all said above. I’m scared. He won’t let me get involved in his recovery now – I think he thought I’d straight away lend him the money but it’s been a week since he asked and I still haven’t paid it to him which I believe is making him angry. I feel like I can’t help him. We broke up for a number of reasons, and I played my own part in the breakdown of our marriage, but one thing I did think when we eventually separated was: at least he is not my problem anymore. At least he can’t hurt me (and vice versa) anymore. And yet here we are.
7 February 2022 at 9:36 am #148148
Lind, thank you for your response. You sound exhausting. It’s exhausting isn’t it. ‘Who is looking after me in this situation? Who is making me feel safe and secure?’ – I feel this completely. I am very much out of my marriage and my ex has come to me as a friend – but still I think, I’m the mother of your children, why do you not care enough to keep me safe? Why are you angry with me for not giving you the money?
I know it’s not as simple as that. But why not?? Why can’t they see that what they’re doing is hurtful. So hurtful. Sometimes I hate that it’s an illness because I just want to shout and scream and say stop being so selfish.
I have not given him the money. I don’t know that I won’t. But I’ve suggested other avenues for him to investigate. Which is making him angry because of course the quickest and easiest solution is just to ask me.
Thank you for your response Lind. You sound like you are having such a tough time. It really does destroy lives doesn’t it xx
7 February 2022 at 9:36 am #148149
Velvet, thank you. I would like to join a family and friends group to talk in real time. Lind, perhaps you could join it too.
7 February 2022 at 9:36 am #148147
Cruising247 congratulations on your recovery, that’s amazing. And thank you for your words. One thing that shocks me about my ex is that he is angry with me for being devastated by the news that he is hugely in debt again. Being the family of an addict is so hard, and yet he is angry with me for using words like ‘devastated’ and ‘heartbroken’. He says I’m massively overreacting. I’m devastated for him. And he’s angry with me.
7 February 2022 at 6:08 pm #148176Cruising247Participant
Trust me, it’s not you, he’s really angry at himself.
It’s nothing like having something so bad being such a big part of your life, destroying your life and you feel so hopeless because no matter how hard you try you just have no control over it.
I’m living with this demon every day, I ask God, every day, why was this put on me, what did I ever do to deserve such a curse….
Trust me, it’s not you.
And the other thing is when there’s no money to gamble with, you get upset and mad with whomever you think have money and just won’t give it to you.
Stand firm, it’s really hard, but my family stop giving me money when I was still gambling every day, after I came clean and they knew what I was doing with it. This was after helping me out of financial binds a time or two. I use to get mad at them, eventhough I know I had brought it all on myself.
7 February 2022 at 8:47 pm #148182lindParticipant
My sister was a drug addict, that gave me some experience of addiction. Looking back my husband was bringing some chaos to our lives for a while but no sign of gambling until we got married and then he did it in style. So much destruction, he nearly destroyed my whole life and yet it’s always me that
‘has to fix it’ I like to think of ringfencing, boxing the money up to keep it safe, put boundaries in place to keep me safe. Because neither of us can be helped otherwise. My husband went bankrupt and one of the hardest things is feeling unsafe, until the divorce and financials are sorted I’m still vulnerable. But yes I hear you when you talk about wanting to shout at them for being selfish!
Your ex can’t be trusted with his money how can he can be trusted with yours? Do you ‘always have to fix it’ even now?
Other people may have different experience but for me I know I cannot trust addiction. It lies to me!
Will try to make group on Tuesday xx
14 February 2022 at 5:56 pm #148648
If he cannot deflect his anger on you, his ex and closest target, then who can he blame – certainly not himself, that would be to take responsibility for his behaviour and he is not willing to do that – yet.
I do hope you can make a group; I ‘spoke’ to Lind last week and she may pop back in again – I believe she is watching your thread.
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