[Sully86]

Hi, My partner is a cg and an alcoholic. He hasn’t drank in over a year but he has been gambling recently and lost a lot of money. It’s soul destroying for him to have to battle two addictions. He used to attend AA and GA meetings but he dint find them helpful so he stopped going. He tried the gamblers aware hotline aswel but dint find that useful either. I wish I could help him I just don’t know how. I would do anything for him to be happy. I worry also about his mental health cause he is so depressed not just about losing the money but about dealing with his addictions and trying to live a normal life. Can anyone give me advise on how to help him. I feel so useless helpless. Thanks.

[velvet]

Hello Sully

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[worriedmama]

I know you feel so helpless but there really isn’t a lot you can do to help your husband:(. As they say if love were enough there wouldn’t be any addicts.
I would really encourage him to get back to either GA or AA or some counselling? The addictions need to be worked through trying to “beat” them on sheer will power is virtually impossible.
Perhaps you could find a Gam Anon or Al Anon group. You really need some support with this. Neither your husband or you can do this alone Sully86.
Keep posting.

[Sully86]

Thanks worriedmama.
I just don’t know what to do. He just seems to have given up. I don’t know what to say to get him to go to meetings. I’m afraid I’m making things worse Wen I talk to him.

[velvet]

Hi Sully
I think you are saying that your partner accepts he has an addiction to gamble and that he wants to change – but is saying that has not found the way to do so that is right for him.
Not all groups of people and not all services are a perfect fit for everyone. It might be that another GA group would give your partner the support that he needs so if it was me I would encourage him to try again.
If your partner does want to live a ‘normal’ life, it seems to me he has to try again to find the support that suits him. On this site we have a terrific one-to-one helpline, a forum for CGs who want to change their lives and CG only groups.
Unfortunately you are right; often the things you say don’t make things any better although if your words appear to make things worse it is probably because your partner is using your words as an excuse to carry on indulging his addiction. Listening is more important than talking Sully – it helps you to see the fuller picture and decide what is right.
Giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic; bailing your partner out from his debts only enables his addiction so I hope you are keeping your finances separate and safe.
You cannot make your partner happy, you cannot save him but you can make a difference. Have you told him that you are seeking support? Maybe if you did it would encourage him to be more active in seeking further support for himself. From your posts it seems to me that your partner knows what he should be doing but is choosing not to do it at the moment so looking after you is the best thing you can do for him. Seeing you worrying and fretting will not change him but seeing you happy, indulging ‘your’ interests, hobbies and friends will help him to realise how strong you are and give him a reason to believe that there is a good life to be had after addiction. Those who love CGs Sully can lose self-esteem and confidence just as the CG does – so it is important to remember that it is not you that owns the addiction and therefore you do not have to allow it to ruin your life which helps nobody – least of all your partner.
Keep posting – you are being heard
Velvet

[worriedmama]

Hi Sully

The hardest thing for the non CG is that we also tend to isolate. We spend a LOT of time trying to figure out how we can help,fix, change the gamblers in our lives because we love them. I think Velvet is bang on… when we try and get busy living our own lives it benefits both us and our gamblers… it certainly can’t hurt:).
I know for me I realized that I felt guilty a lot… how could I live a happy life while my son was struggling so much?? The problem is was that it didn’t help either him or me… we were both miserable. Sometimes the more we back away the more our gamblers have the space to start managing their own lives.
Keep posting,read other posts on here. As Velvet says…you are being heard and supported:)

[heidialana]

hi my friend chris has a gambling problem and needs help to stop. he acknowledges the problem and wants to stop. willing to go to meetings but cannot get the no for the one in pos. any advice you cld give wld be appreciated also a contact no for a meeting. he really wants to stop and i want to help him. care deeply for him. thanks much

[velvet]

Hi Heidi
Your friend can find the phone numbers and addresses of GA on line. I am concerned that he is saying he can’t find any meetings which suggests he either isn’t looking very hard or he doesn’t want to stop yet. He can also contact our Helpline or join our CG groups on line – he will always be heard.
Take care of yourself
if you want individual support please start your own thread
Velvet

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