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  • #4254
    Ivy360
    Participant

    I keep bobbing in and out of here, I’ve just found out that my husband had being up to his old tricks and hit the Internet and the book makers ( which is a new thing for him). I’ve but all the blocks on his iPhone and Internet that is possible, but he still managed to get on a site which I think went through email as appose to Internet search, as I’ve tried it and it won’t load. He’s also been to the bookies which is a new thing for him, I suppose out of desperation as he cant get on the Internet.

    We’ve just bought a house and thank god its a in my name including the mortgage.

    I just wish I had it in me to leave him, but I just can’t bring myself to, for the boys sake as he’s a great dad and step dad. My boys would be devasted. I don’t need him financially. He’s a good husband as well but I feel like I’m on a roundabout and as soon as it’s starting to stop, it speeds up xx

    #4255
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    Hello Ivy

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4256
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Ivy
    Well I am glad you have stopped bobbing in and out and have taken the time to start a thread. Bobbing is alright when you have your head above water but not so good when you are being dragged down. Hopefully your time here will help you stay afloat until you reach dry land.
    Well done on getting the mortgage in your own name – you have done the right thing safe-guarding your children’s home.
    I am not sure I have understood your words correctly but did you put the blocks on your husband’s phone and internet because he wanted you to do so – in other words, does he accept he has an addiction and has he asked for your support?
    We cannot stop our loved ones gambling – only they can do that. We can support if there is a willingness to change on the part of the CG (compulsive gambler) but we cannot force that change. Some years ago I witnessed a man unwillingly brought to a GA meeting by his desperate wife, mother and daughter – sadly, I never heard that he had returned.
    The addiction to gamble is nothing to do with money – money is a means to an end, a tool to indulge an addiction that hurts those with it and those around it. Is your husband working and covering his debts or is he seeking enablement from you and/or others? What is it about his behaviour that upsets you the most? Is he always a good dad and step-dad or do the boys know that something is amiss? Are you staying with him just for the boys?
    Keep posting Ivy – the first post is the hardest. Sorry for so many questions but it helps to put flesh on the bones of your experience. Knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you power over it and with that knowledge hopefully you will find the brake on the roundabout, giving you time to slow it down until you can decide what is right for you.
    Velvet

    #4257
    Ivy360
    Participant

    He asked me to put the blocks on last year and only I know the passwords and security numbers, he’s always a good dad, my boys don’t know that there’s anything wrong. I won’t enable anymore I haven’t done so for a long time. He dies work and works hard to earn extra money to pay his debts off. His mum has stopped helping him out after I told her that if he asks to borrow money she needs to check with me first, as she had helped us with buying a car etc on an interes free loan.

    At the moment I feel I’m only staying with him for my boys sake, although I do love him etc, he acknowledges he has a problem. But struggles to seek help, he did go to a gambling annyonmos meeting years ago but as he’s in the police there were a couple of people there he’s locked up. So that put him off.

    #4258
    Ivy360
    Participant

    My husband is now hoping to take out an IVA to clear all his debts, I’ve told him that he needs to seek professional help!! He says he’s going to come on here. Time will tell. I’m struggling daily to deal with this as I had so many plans for our future. He’s now spending what bit of credit he’s got on materialistic things. Clothes for our son, he bought a TV for our room, a new vaccumm cleaner. He said it makes him feel better buying things. He’s bought our son his Xmas present. He’s booked me and my friend in to a spa for the day ( he has done that before just as a treat for my bday) but not just for nothing. My friend thinks it’s so lovely. I habit old her yet as I’ve not seen her to talk to and I feel I can’t text her about it.

    I’m so confused. It would have been easier for me to deal with if he’d had an affair xx

    #4259
    Ivy360
    Participant

    I’ve found out today that he’s taken £300 out of our joint account and gambled with it, I’m so mad that he even dare do that as he never has before. I’ve told him that I am changing the account into one of mine and he won’t have access to it. He’s now self excluded from the site he was using

    Linda

    #4260
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Ivy
    Many compulsive gamblers say they stop at certain things but if the addiction is not treated it is impossible to say how far they would go – the depths become greater as the addiction becomes more powerful.
    I have often heard a CG say that they would not go to GA because they would be recognised, as business people, police officers, soldiers, church-goers etc. GA however is not about the position they hold in life but it is about an addiction that equalises them and has the power to ruin them whoever they are. I am not saying your husband has used this as an excuse but after hearing it so often I do wonder!
    This site is anonymous so who he is and what position he holds is immaterial. He can communicate with our Helpline which is one-to-one, he can join our CG only groups where he will be welcome and/or he can write in ‘My Journal’ where he will receive support. Your thread can be made invisible if you fear recognition.
    You said that you wished you had it in you to leave your husband – is he aware of the strength of your unhappiness and the possible outcome if he continues to indulge his addiction? Is the friend you were going to text, someone you can talk to – do you have support from family?
    Had he taken out the IVA yet?
    So many questions because it seems to me that your husband is doing little to actually change – buying things for his family does not mean a change of heart but rather suggests a cover up to buy more time– only positive seeking of help indicates a true change and it gives more satisfaction.
    Regardless of all of the above the important thing is ‘you’ on this forum and you are not saying much about yourself. Are you looking after yourself and doing things that you want to do. It is far too easy to be sucked into the addiction cycle and forget yourself. I am certain I remember you and it saddens me to read you are still in this same position. Sometimes it is good to stop and think of where we want to be in 5 years time or even a year – posting on here again would seem a pretty depressing thought.
    Speak again soon – I know he can change but he is dragging his feet. Are his friends and colleagues his fellow gamblers? If not maybe they need to be let into the secret so they can support you by not encouraging him to gamble and by encouraging him to seek help.
    V

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