[iamhere]

I feel a sense of despair and relief finding this forum. Not feeling alone, is nice.

My story goes back about 10 years now. Insane to think that’s how long this has been going one for. I’ve been able to go long periods of time without gambling, and then I fall back into it. I feel exhausted, mentally and physically from this. I am 35 now. And 35 thousand in debt.

I know that’s not a large amount of money, but I make good money, and I’ve been able to kind of hover in and out of debt over the last 10 years. Which is probably part of the problem. But I feel just exhausted, and I want a different life.

I know I’ll write more. But I just wanted to write something, before I didn’t. I know this support group is what I need.

Thanks for reading this rambling mess.. I appreciate all and any words of advice and encouragement.

[iamhere]

Well, thought id check in. I haven’t gambled since my first post.

I still haven’t let up the feeling of disappointment/disgust I have towards my actions. Better that I don’t forget, or pretend it didn’t happen. Ugh

I shall continue to work on myself and staying gamble free. Current and future me deserves the best version of myself. . And the gambling version is the worst version of myself!

[swiggy]

Awaiting moderation

[iamhere]

I find that my gambling comes in spurts. I find the gaps of time I can go between can be long, months really. But, it’s when I do gamble that the lack of control is very real. I’m just determined to go the distance this time, and when it even crosses my mind to just remind myself of the version I want to be.

I’d hate to do this any longer than i already have, and to waste any more time. To lose the moments that could be treasured memories with my family or even the financial relief I’d have. Gambling will take all my joy, the love, memories and time from me. . . And for what? It always ends in financial despair at some point.

Onwards – to another day 🙏

[iamhere]

Well hello world,

I’ve been keeping pretty strong and steady knowing this path I’m on. I’ve been doing well not feeding the habit, although the debt I’ve acquired from this makes it tempting to want to try to “win it back”. . Im smart enough to know that’s not going to happen. I’ll continue to starve this addiction till is no longer lives and ill be free of its sharp talons…

If this is the basement level, only way out is up, and I want that roof top view.

[Callmecrazy]

Hi iamhere,

I know the burden of remorse that comes with gambling debt and loosing insane amounts of money to casinos.

The fact of the matter is, casino lords are predators and they make themselves extremely rich exploiting the misery of others. I myself don’t believe in occasional gamblers, there is no such thing. These businesses don’t live off of somebody’s 50 dollars/ euros here and there. They would go bankrupt in a second. The less we feed them, the sooner they’ll go away and they will eventually.

I got a little sidetracked, but what I wanted to say about your 35 k debt, as a possible strategy to help you više, is can you trick your mind into believing you invested that money into a business that went sour?

Tons of people invest into businesses that fail. They open a carwash, a laundromat, a bar, a diner, a petshop…whatever… and they go into debt and fail. These people brush off and carry on, they don’t linger and fester over the loss as gamblers do. This is because deep down we know we’ve been lured and tricked and we’re unable to forgive ourselves.

So if you trick your mind your loss was an investment into a business that failed no different than a laundromat, you might be able to get over the loss quicker.

A lie repeated many times becomes truth. “I invested into a business opportunity that backfired and crashed. Time to move on and look for something else.”

That’s one strategy that might help.

[iamhere]

Hi Callmecrazy!

Thanks for posting! I was starting to feel a little lonely on my journal page.

Reading that made me smirk, it definitely takes the edge off when you think of it that way. 🫣🤔

As each day passes I feel grateful to be further away from my last bet. At times I find it so hard to align with that version of myself that just so whimsically threw away that money. So stupid.

How long have you been gamble free?

[Callmecrazy]

Just think of it as an investment into a business that didn’t work out and move on. You thought you could make money selling hot-dogs but it backfired. No big deal. Many businessmen failed before they made it.

I’ve been gambling the past few days pretty much all the time. Before that I stop for 2-3 weeks and then slip and get angry for loosing yet again and then I spiral into the abyss of trying to win something, anything. Hence I deposit larger amounts and spin and never win. I play bets 1-3 euro, when I go bezeerk I play 10. I lost 100 k in 4 months doing that.

For me it’s not even a matter of gambling or not, it’s about wheter I want to continue living or not. Honestly I don’t want to anymore, too much trauma and lonliness and bad luck but I’m afraid if I don’t, I’ll have to come back to this world in another form and repeat the same karma over again.

[iamhere]

Callmecrazy,

Why not fill your time with something else, you know you have trauma. We all do, just different degrees. Why not focus on healing? Finding that inner peace?

I read some of your old posts. Do u still have property with your sister? Not all is lost. Perhaps if you join the fight you can quit for good too!!

Only way out it up. There’s a lot od stairs.. but I’m going to take each one!

Did you gamble today?

[Callmecrazy]

Hey,

I’ve tried so many times, I’m sick of it. I also suffer from ahedonia and depression and my anxiety is of the roof. I can’t find joy in anything and worry alo the time.

Yes, I own a half in two moderately large houses, have 25 k debt and 15 k cash, don’t have a job but I have a side hustle. I’m so lost and diseased, I have ne idea if 15k is enough money to start over at all for the twentieth time.

[iamhere]

Well Callmecrazy,

Let’s start with day 1. I don’t think throwing your life away is the best plan. Is there nothing you want to see or do?

What brings on your anxiety ?? Have you tried meditation?

[Callmecrazy]

I would like to find a job that is at least bearable to go to but no one seems to be hiring. My last experience had been traumatizing, barely anyone talked to me and I hardly have an idea as to why. I suppose it was due to my narcisstic co-worker hating my guts the moment she saw me and she seemed to be running the place.

That’s one thing that makes me anxious and mad. I have a large circle of friends and bond well with them but the minute I enter an unfamiliar group, the toxic person there hates my guts and starts the backstabbing.

Then there is the boss that doesn’t talk to me at all. No “Good morning”, “Merry Christmas”, no feedback. I just don’t get it. Then I’m lost as to weather approach him or stay out of his way.

That’s another thing that gets me anxious, I have no idea how to navigate such relationships.

I am a person of the old world, where a handshake and my word means something.

So that’s another thing that makes me anxious, I just don’t fit in.

Needless to say I quit that job.

Before that I had a relatively successful career in one corporate firm for 17 years, and as long as I carried the amount of work pertaining to 3 people and was able to put up with the harassment, I sustained it.

Then my mother got sick with Alzheimer’s and my father started drinking and abusing her more than he had ever abused her (and he was abusive all his life, controlling and a ticking time bomb) until I couldn’t stand watching anymore so I quit my job partly to take care of her in full, partly because my gambling had spiralled so out of control I was giving every paycheck to the casinos.

Both died a month and a half later. First my mother, then my father the morning of her funeral. I often think how he wouldn’t let himself rest before he destroyed her and me in the process. I don’t think he let her have the day of her funeral for herself.

The worst part is I loved him. It makes me mad as hell.

Then my egoistical estranged sibling came in for her share of the inheritance, leaving me to cover all the costs of their deaths (funerals and residue bills) myself. She spent her money on a lawyer to go after their estates which I hold half of, hence to go after me.

That’s another thing that makes me angry and bitter and anxious: I was so loyal. God doesn’t reward people like me and neither does the casino.

Then there is the thing about no one around me needing to work, my sister spends her time at the pool while her husband works morning to night, my mother was retired early and my father was the provider, my cousin works from home but I don’t see him working ever. He sleeps till noon and spends his day thinking about his meals, while I was overworked and burdened with responsabilities far greater than I could handle. That makes me angry and anxious too because I have no idea how to set my life in such a way.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in 15 years, and I’m not a bad looking woman and I’m not a drama queen, so there must be something terribly wrong with me, I just don’t understand it.

Basically, I’m a mess and I wouldn’t know how to meditate.

I would also like to be born again into a family that is supportive and cares for me, not to be their solely for their needs.

I would also like to be told I’m worthy and not that I wouldn’t amount to anything, which I haven’t.

I’m truly a mess. I’m really really sorry.

[Callmecrazy]

I tutor children English and they seem to like me very much, so there is that one positive aspect of my life.

[iamhere]

Callmecrazy,

I am truly sorry that these things have all happened to you. I obviously don’t know you, but I want to support you, and encourage you, and be here for you.

The disappointment upon disappointment you feel has layered itself in your life. BUT- this doesn’t define you, this isn’t you, and I really hope you don’t allow these narratives to dictate your existence.

I’m sorry about your mom, I know it was traumatic for you, but what a gift you were able to give your mom. To be there for her when she needed someone the most. At the end of the day that’s what life is really about, everything else is just fluff and garbage.

I don’t know your age, but i am a 35 years old. Female as well. And I’d like to be here for you, and perhaps you could be here for me..

I think tutoring is great! Kids are the future. It takes one person to help change a kids life, and you’re helping do that. Which is amazing.

I also want you to know you are enough, you can overcome this, you deserve and deserved better. So let’s accomplish that. We both have better things to do with our lives.

Do you have any pets? Hobbies? What kind of work did you do in the corporate world?

[Callmecrazy]

I have a dog and my cat died 20 days ago which really spiraled my gambling.

I also have two horses which I’m pretty sure I’ll need to sell. Had them for 14 years. They’re elderly now so I’m not sure I’ll be able to find a good home for them.

I worked almost everything, from finance to internal control to procurement and middle management.

I’m 45, female.

I’m a good tennis player and know how to train horses. I was a child with dreams once and pursued hobbies and passions. Partially because I was talented as a child and good at things, partially because I wanted to please my father who always expected the best results without many investments. So I’m good at many things but don’t excel at anything.

I enjoy playing tennis but spending money on training bothers me, unlike giving tens of thousands of euros to casinos.

I had the money to change my life and reprogram my brain but I gave the money to the casino.

[iamhere]

Hey,

What’s your dogs name? It’s tough when we lose pets, was your kitty older?

Sounds like you live on a farm, or at least some land. Why are u wanting to rehome them ?

Well, sounds like you’re pretty educated and knowledgeable. I feel like you could definitely get back into the corporate world.. if you wanted to. I mean, sounds soul sucking, but I am sure the pay is good. Your tutoring you’re doing, is that fulltime? Or just on the side?

You should pay for tennis lessons. Invest in something that will make you happy. You’re worth that.

I was reading today about positive affirmations and retraining the subconscious mind to retrain the brain to abstain from the urge/desire to gamble. I can’t believe that gambling has come into my life and has taken so much time from me. I don’t understand how I’ve gone back to it, knowing how disruptive and life crushing it is. I just know I can’t do it anymore.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by iamhere.

[vladagr]

Hi iamhere, glad to here that you finally recognized your gambling addiction and that you started moving forward 😀

Let me get straight to the point, I know that it can be difficult to comprehend that you threw away that much money, I myself was in the same situation (lost 15k but in my country that is a lot of money 😂). I told my parents which was the toughest thing I did in my whole life but after that started treatment with their support. After I started treatment I started looking at things differently as every day went by. I started feeling thankful that it ended on 15k as I realized that if I continued with my addiction it would probably lead to a much worse scenario. I guess my point is that you should forget about that money and feel grateful that you have a new opportunity to start your life gamble free.

The first thing that they teach us in therapy is that we have to make plans for each day, detailed plans that would stop us from having spare time as spare time is addicts worst enemy, it gives you time to think about gambling. I think that might help you a lot especially in the beginning.

[jaia]

I am praying you overcome this demon called addiction

[iamhere]

Hi vladagr,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me.
How has your recovery been so far?

I thought about those last few sentences you wrote all day. I totally agree, staying busy and having a laid out plan for the day is key.

Money is just money. I know I’ll have this paid off sooner than later, but that’s not the issue. So working on my time as well as working on reprogramming my mindset and trying to be more conscious with my day vs. Subconscious living!

What else have you learnt with treatment?

Thanks again 🙏🙂

[iamhere]

Thought id pop on to leave a note. Seems pretty quiet on the forum over the last few days.🦗 I hope everyone is doing well.

I’ve been doing my positive affirmations, my mindset I’m working on changing to never want to gamble again! I pretty much am working on killing that version of myself that has gambled senselessly. 😊

Staying busy, went to the ocean today. Had an ice cream cone. Got sand in my toes. It was a nice day.

Tomorrow will be another good day… and so on. ❤️

[iamhere]

Had another busy day at work, which is great. Grateful for my career.

I just finished reading this insanely tragic story on reddit about this man who lost 800k. His posts starts in 2021 and goes until 2023. With every post I read I felt sicker and sicker, I felt the devastation and my stomach turned thinking what this addiction can do. He lost his wife, his child, in so much debt.. I hope he’s ok wherever he is now on his journey. Just more motivation to never NEVER go back to this.

I’ve been doing well on not getting the urge to gamble..keeping busy. Working on being more conscious every day.

Saw this quote today:

You must let the pain visit
You must allow it to teach you
You must not allow it to overstay.

For me – the pain is the guilt and disappointment I have for my actions for getting into this 35k debt.
I am learning from my actions. I’m working on the conscious aspect of my brain, daily affirmations. Staying busy, getting educated.
BUT I’m not going to let the guilt/disappointment (pain) convince me to try and “win it back” or pretent this money didn’t matter.

Well, off to bed I go.

I hope whoever reads these words finds some strength in them.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by iamhere.

[iamhere]

A whole month with out gambling. Feeling good about that. Onto the next.

Staying busy, continuing to focus on my goals, paying this debt off, and continuing to educate myself on my triggers and the effects gambling has on my brain!

It’s a lot easier when I stay busy and don’t have time to be “bored” to gamble. Every time I even think about the idea, my stomach turns. I think of all the stories I’ve read, I think of all the things the money I’ve wasted could have bought. I am repulsed by the idea of it, I hope this is the trend that sticks moving forward!

😊🙏

[iamhere]

Well, had a great day! Lots of fun in the sun. At home resting and I all of a sudden felt the urge to gamble. I thought about it really hard, “oh maybe I’ll just play the demo mode of my fav game”.. the itch was real. Then I decided to go to reddit and look up the sub I always read. Started reading some posts, someone wrote this in response to someone:

“Just realize all wins are future loses and more. Whenever u gamble u just give Ur money away, only the pace is unknown. Stop wasting Ur money, exclude and never come back. And remember u won’t win a penny. U will lose EVERYTHING u bet. Dunno, write a reminder for urself that u will lose EVERYTHING u bet, and read it as many times as needed, especially when urge arises.”

After reading this 5 times, and reminding myself I HATE the version of myself during and after gambling. Came on here, to write in my journal…now I’m going to go clean the kitchen.

F-off gambling, I’m over you.

K – bye for now!

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by iamhere.

[iamhere]

“THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO NEVER PLAY AGAIN

Now go for a walk, read this as many times as you need and take a decision to never play again.

Be a strong human for you, your family and each one of us who suffered in that place”

Another post I read that is a strong reminder to keep going in the right direction.
Feeling good, working hard, plan to pay this debt off within the year. Grateful for that.

Another day with more to be grateful for than the last.

Hope everyone is continuing to work on themselves and see progress in doing so.

[iamhere]

Hello journal,

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been starting to feel a little disappointed with coming on here lately. I had to take a minute and ask myself why? And I guess the answer to that is I was hopeful/had an expectation that there would be more people to interact with. Then I asked myself why? – why is this important to me?.. I think that’s where I get some clarity, I was expecting just a bit more of a support group.❤️

I won’t be coming on here with the hope someone has posted or, perhaps just checking in. I shall continue on my journey as I am. Hopefully someone will read my entries and find strength and know that quitting gambling is 100% doable! Cause… it’s happening!!

Ok.. so I finally cracked open the course I started the other month. Philosophy.. God why would I choose this course lol. I sat down with a heating pad on my neck, a cup of hot herbal tea and I read a few chapters. It was quiet, calm, and it was nice.

Did my morning affirmations, said 5 things I’m grateful for in my life, reminded myself of my goals and dreams and what I want my life to look like. Had a good day at work, did some laundry, watched a show, and made dinner. All-in-all pretty solid Tuesday.. only thing missing was dessert!

Tomorrow I’ll be another day stronger and another day further from my last bet. 😊

Night night!

[asdfghost]

Hi,

Glad to hear you’re doing well. This forum is not very active in general, especially nowadays. It gets like that from time to time, there was even a shutdown for almost a week this summer. Evidently, there was a lotta activity here in the past: support groups, live support, etc. All is gone but this very forum. Still something I guess. I’ve missed all the opportunity to take part in said above, so can’t really tell. Groups, for instance, died in December last year.

Philosophy… might be interesting if only you’re into that. I’ve never really understood its purpose, my preferences always were the technical sciences. The last few years showed me that this world can be incredibly surreal at times. I’m starting to think it makes some sense to search for complicated answers in meta-sciences like philosophy.

You seem to be fighting quite well with your addiction. I wish you good luck, never give up!

[iamhere]

Hi!

Ahhh, makes sense. I’m a little late to the party. Seems like this place was a great support hub at some point. 🫣

Yess, philosophy, I have a degree and all that jazz already, just working on another one. Out of all the courses to choose, I thought this would be fun 😆😆. I’m more science based as well.

Have you started your new job?? If so, how’s it going? How’s your journey going?

Another day no gambling over here! 😊

[asdfghost]

Hi,

It’s starting today. I’ll write about it in my journal later. As for the “journey”, I can’t call it that, seriously, but it’s been about 10 days gamble-free.

[iamhere]

It’s been soo hot here this week, I am looking forward to next week when it’s cooler!

The last couple of days I’ve been working on my appreciation for money. I feel like when I was gambling it lost all value and meaning to me. Like how could I spend thousands of dollars, yet hesitate to buy things that have a much smaller monetary value.. its not the loss of the money that truly upsets me, it’s what that money and time could have afforded me. So that’s been a pill to swallow, but at the same time it’s been important.

Things I’d have rather spent 35k on… a boat, a new vehicle, a handful of vacations, new flooring for my house.. all the things. Gambling is truly a nightmare.

Another day onwards, another day further from my last bet! ❤️

[iamhere]

10 days is great, in the double digits now!

I’m looking forward to reading about your first day!

[iamhere]

Well hello Friday! I had a busy and productive week this week. Worked hard, did some consistent work on myself, started a philosophy course, went to the ocean a couple of times, had some icecream, watched a movie, made dinners.. it was a good week ❤️

Still one day further from that last bet, grateful for that. I know I will never gamble again. 😊

Till tomorrow, good night

[iamhere]

Callmecrazy! You’re back! I’ve been thinking about you, worrying about you and sending you all the love. I’m glad you popped by.
It won’t let me reply on your feed – I don’t know who or why it was reported.. probably some spam person.. seems to be a lot of that stuff coming up lately.

I wish I knew what to say, or knew a way to help. I know it’s hard to get out of the mindset you’re in, you just have to find something good worth living for, money comes and goes. You still have to much life to live. You’re smart – you just need one job, not 6. ❤️

I’m here if you ever wanna chat ❤️❤️

[iamhere]

Had a marvelous lazy Saturday. I honestly wanted to get so much stuff done, but decided I wanted to go for a walk and watch a couple of movies instead. Much better decision.

I just finished reading this posting in reddit. The way this person has written her story encapsulated gambling addiction to a T.

I'm Tired, I'm Devastated, I'm Dead
byu/Ok_Resolution2568 inproblemgambling

Who ever is reading this if you have time, give it a read.

Man this addiction is brutal. Every day I stay away is a better day. This will not be the story of my life. I am actively making that choice.

Good night world!

[iamhere]

Gahh, today was long and hard. Woke up just on the wrong side of the bed (as they say). I’ve had a headache for most of the day, felt blahhh. Did some cleaning around the house, some laundry, I have yet some things to finish up for work this week.

A successful day in the sense that I didn’t spend a penny on a useless bet! So that’s a win in it’s self ❤️. 40 days strong 💪 😳

[iamhere]

Mondays, I’ve never really loved Mondays. I don’t know why really. It’s not that it’s the start of the week, because I can control my work schedule.. just something about a Monday.

Today was fine, worked, did some of my philosophy course, ate, cleaned, laundry.. really just a mundane Monday.

Today is day 41, doesn’t seem like much, but every day I’m taking one more step in the right direction, I hope everyone else is too ❤️.

Night night.

[iamhere]

42 days.

Starting to feel the shame and guilt really settle in as my CC bills roll in and I see the interest rate charge. A part of me is in disbelief of what I’ve done. What ugly mess. I know I’ll pay it off within the year, but what an utter disgusting waste of money. Money I work hard for, money that could have gone to a million different and better things. I hate this feeling, but I know I need to really go through this to know the depth of my decisions.

Aside from thinking about the CC debt I’ve acquired, my day was pretty good. Worked, had a massage, did some philosophy, and yeah just a better day in general, definitely more productive without gambling in it!!

I do find at times I need to read positive stories of other gamblers that have been successful in kicking it, it’s so empowering. . I then read the sad stories and messages from the thousands of people on reddit that are in complete despair. We are all in the same boat, trying to stay-a-float, and overcome this addiction. But – there is hope and this is all apart of my success story. ❤️

Well off to bed I go!

[iamhere]

Day 43.

Well what a busy Wednesday – one of those days where you go go go.. and yet it feels like you didn’t do as much as you had planned.

I signed up for a 5:15am workout class tomorrow. I have to be there for 4:50 am. Seemed like a great idea when I signed up for it.. now I’m questioning it all 🤣🤣. Rather get a workout done in the morning, I already feel the burn!! Wish me luck!

I’ve been feeling less and less thoughts and urges to gamble as the days pass. I still have moments thay surface throughout my days that are filled with incredible guilt and disbelief of the money I’ve spent. As much as I dislike it, I need to acknowledge the value of the money I’ve lost. It’s a lot of money.

I have a vacation coming up to go to Arizona. One that I don’t believe I deserve or should be going on due to this money I’ve spent/lost. Such a mental mind game, definitely a lot if shame on my end.

I just remind myself that everyone’s journey is different, gambling has been one hell of a pot 🕳 hole, but this won’t be my life story. A small blip in the grand scheme of it all.

Till tomorrow! ❤️

[iamhere]

Day 45.

Wow there’s a lot of spam on this site? Whose in charge of moderating these things? Are they on vacation? Or just don’t give a sh*t? Some have been sitting and waiting for dayssss.

I guess this site is really that inactive. That sucks.

I have been finding as the days go along my head is getting clearer. The hard facts of what’s done are real. Crazy how much of a fog gambling puts you in. Makes you have this messed up relationship with money, like it has no value. I have been working hard and should see a good chunk of this debt gone in a few months, but so f-ed up working this hard to throw money away.. gambling. So stupid. Definitely glad I’m never NEVER gambling again. The clearer my head gets the more real the situation is.

Looking forward to the weekend, the work week was busy. It’ll be nice to have some down time. It’s supposed to rain, which I don’t mind. The house could always use some cleaning.

Well hopefully the spam stops so people can utilize the site more. .

🙏

[iamhere]

Day 46

What a packed day. Definitely looking fwd to sleeping in tomorrow. I have a full day tomorrow too. Cleaning, grocery shopping, re-organizint some things.. ugh I hate cleaning the bathrooms.🫣🫣

I have been going strong. I haven’t had many urges or thoughts about gambling in the last week or so. Still just more thoughts of frustration towards my choices. Clarity is good, responsibility is needed and an appreciation for money needs to be re-gained. All the parts of my journey.

I hope whoever may be reading this (if anyone) just knows gambling doesn’t have to be apart of your life. We just have to make the decision to stop. One day at a time. ❤️

• This reply was modified 18 hours, 32 minutes ago by iamhere.

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