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    • #29638
      butchugly
      Participant

      I’m not going to write a lot. I relapse two days ago after 18 days clean. Kicking myself and a huge knock on my self esteem. If your are curious as to what happened. it wrote it in my pervious feed. I am sooooooo angry at myself. I don’t know if anyone has done this before but why I was playing, I was trying to talk myself out of it at the same time. I was calling myself names like…you idiot…you’ll lose it all and you know it!! Just stop right now and walk away with something..but nooooooo, did I listen?? no..

      I have started a new journal for a new start.

    • #29639
      vera
      Participant

      Not only have I talked to myself while I was gambling BU but I talked to God, my dead ancestors, the guys watching on camera, you name it! And I answered myself and heard voices answering me too!!
      That’s because CGism is a delusion!
      and
      CGs don’t listen (eh, Charles?!)
      Only when the pain of gambling becomes greater than the pain that drove us there in the first place, will a CG stop.
      Feel your pain, BU! I’m feeling mine too! It’s REAL!

    • #29640
      I_Maverick
      Participant

      I di that when I am playing, especially if I start making crazy stupid moves that WILL love me money, I sit there going “NO< FOLD" as I raise. It;s mad, it's as if I am taken over my a beast in me. Don't be too hard on yourself, just know how to put more blocks in place. Have had some thoughts today, the voice telling me I can win more as I won last time. I am sure I could, but how much would I have to lose first to start making the kind of bets you need to win big. That's my problem, I start small and then it spiralls. No more rollercoaster for me. Stay Strong Butch, you can do it.

    • #29641
      jansdad
      Participant

      I’ve talked to myself many times while gambling, trying to bring sense into that madness.
      Last time I gambled on March 6, (I wrote this in one of my previous posts) I even imagined my son telling me “daddy, you promised you would not gamble”. It was the most vivid imagination I ever had, it felt so real it was scarey.
      But I continued to gamble anyway… 🙁

    • #29642
      charlster2
      Participant

      Sorry to hear of your relapse BU.

      Don’t beat yourself up, that’s counterproductive. You’ll no doubt feel that you’ve let yourself down and maybe even have doubts in your mind as to whether you can abstain from gambling. This is the time you need to bounce back and push even harder than before to get to where you want to be. I’m sure you know that anyway.

      Gambling wants to get the better of us and will try and grind us down until we submit and it wont be happy until it’s taken all it get from us and totally consumed every last part of us.

      Day two gambling free puts you in a far better place than waking up this morning knowing that you gambled last night so put a positive spin on your situation. Don’t be bogged down by what you’ve just lost either, the important thing here is to not lose any more. You need to grab every chink of positivity from your situation and if you clear away the negativity you’ll find those positive chinks to cling to.

      I used to talk to myself every time I gambled. A major part of my brain was telling me not to gamble, it gave me every conceivable reason why I shouldn’t, yet the tiny part of my brain that was telling me that I could win everything back that I ever lost and much much more always won the day. As CG’s, when we’re in gambling mode we never listen to logic, if we did we wouldn’t have an addiction would we! So again, don’t be too hard on yourself.

      We’re all with you as you know and we’ve all experienced what you’re experiencing, so stay strong, take stock and go again. You know you can do this.

      Take care,

      Charlster.

    • #29643
      butchugly
      Participant

      Ok… I screwed up. I’m disappointed in myself. But… Maybe I’m wrong for thinking or saying this but…
      Maybe it needed to happen. I felt pretty good for 18 day, gamble free. I actually felt like I was in control, optimistic about life(not winning). I haven’t felt so clean and pure emotionally for such a long time, and didn’t know what I was missing until those 18 days. I bought myself new things ( that money would have gone to a casino). So I now have a couple of outfits,a nespresso machine and a new hair do. All because I didnt gamble. And u know what I’m still enjoying those things and reaping the benefits. And I probably appreciate them more purely because I know where that money would have gone. Don’t get me wrong I cannot continue to spend money as I don’t have the same excess funds ( even though I managed to find money to gamble). I want to better myself so I can be realistic about my spending because I will have real objects infront of me : ).. Point is I’m glad in a way I gambled because it hurt a lot… Emotionally and financially. I can imagine that that feeling would be a lot more intense had I been 6 months clean.. With a bucket of savings… Because, no doubt I would have gambled any savings. So I hope I’m right and not being overly confident but I see it as sticking your hand on a hot stove and saying ouch!! Rather then walking into an incinerator..
      I did not like how I felt yesterday.. Today is another day tomorrow will be day three. I hope for just a rocky road instead of an avalanche.

    • #29644
      butchugly
      Participant

      I’m there.. I WILL put up a fight. I’m so much better than this horrible disease! : )

    • #29645
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi butch, I am also just back on the wagon.. I know how hard it is but like you described, quite quickly we start to feel good about ourselves. What really struck me when reading your post is how we always measure out relapse by how much money we have lost .. I am thinking perhaps we should measure in by how much pain and self loathing it gives us?

      Would it help us if when the urge Comes we think yeah I might withdraw or I may not but either way I will feel like sh** for days after.

      Hope you feel much better butch .. This will pass.. Lesson learned !! Well done on your honesty

    • #29646
      butchugly
      Participant

      I agree.. Money is important. But not as significant as that soul destroying feeling.

    • #29647
      vera
      Participant

      I hear you BU,BUT!
      It is never good to gamble! It is never “meant to happen” ! I used to apply that warped thinking to my life. I would buy clothes, presents ,meals out etc etc to make myself feel good. Usually bought with borrowed money.How crazy is that!! That is flawed thinking BU! Believe me its just another way to justify our gambling.Look closely at what gambling has done.I know, in my case it has ruined my life!
      Nothing good comes from gambling. All those material things count for nothing compared to peace of mind and freedom.As you rightly say,it is soul destroying!

    • #29648
      I_Maverick
      Participant

      HOw are you doing BU? It’s been a few days. Hopefully a busy work schedule has kept your mind away from the devil that we shall not say.

      Please let us know how you are doing. I hope you can forgiven yourself. When we slip, and we don’t have to, it is important it is only a lapse, and not a relapse. I am starting day 9 and am feeling slightly more clear headed. My life is still a mess, but I am making slow measures to fixing things and there are even some positives on the horizon for me to work towards.

      I send you all my love and strength.

    • #29649
      p
      Participant

      Hello just wanted to say well done on your time here and trying for a better life. thats what we are all doing here to stop this addiction and get on with life..
      Are you using any other support. there is always GA, counselling, banning from casino etc, online blockers, the one on one chat here and groups..
      Adding things into your life to fill the void too..
      For me the only thing that works is everything i can do to enhance my recovery.. GA , counselling, here, posting, reading, groups, and putting things in my life to keep me busy.. making recovery enjoyable is a huge one also.. putting things in that make my days feel good, not punishing myself anymore.. glad you are here and glad you are continuing on.. no matter what happens, if you fall down get back up..

      P

    • #29650
      butchugly
      Participant

      Devil got me again. I just wish it was a bad dream. 1 fleeting thought and BAM!! Why don’t I have will power!!

    • #29651
      I_Maverick
      Participant

      Butch, so sorry to hear that. You need to hget your blockers back in place, Netnanny or K9. I know if I didn’t have them in place I would gamble just because I feel so low. today is day 11 for me, but I still feel like shit because of the damage I have done.

      Get on the helpline, speak to someone, go to GA, give you finances to someone. I really hope youc an do this.

      Take care

      M

    • #29652
      butchugly
      Participant

      I’m going to tell my partner tonight. Im handing it all over to him. Probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And the thing ive avoided for so long out of sheer embarrassment and humiliation. I can’t do this myself, he has to know. I’m working today. And won’t see him till 11 tonight. May not be a good time.. Because of the time. So I’ll judge it when I get home from work. I will update on here as soon as I’ve talked to him.

    • #29653
      jansdad
      Participant

      Sorry to hear butchgirl. If I could give a meaningful advice I would. But I realize I can’t. What works for me may not work for you. Besides, I haven’t found what works for me so it’s a moot point

    • #29654
      butchugly
      Participant

      I can only advise on the mental health stuff. It’s this compulsive bit I struggle to get to grips with. I will say I think relapsed are more painful than before I started the path to recovery.

    • #29655
      vera
      Participant

      Thinking of you BU!
      It is VERY hard not to chase those damn losses!
      All I can say is DON’T TRY!
      It won’t work.
      Gambling is a scourge!
      I hate it now!

    • #29656
      butchugly
      Participant

      I tried to call my partner on the phone today as I wanted to offload straight away before I talked myself out of it. He didn’t answer the phone. I wrote him a long text. I told him as much as I could in a text. I told him almost the truth. I told him it is a deep problem and could ruin me if I don’t stop now. That is the truth. I didn’t tell him how much money I’ve lost. Just said a lot. I asked him not to ask how much. As what is done is done. That I just need to move on from it. I haven’t heard from him yet. I know he has a really busy day and won’t be home for a few more hours. He is usually quick with responding to me about anything. This time he’s said nothing yet. So I’m hoping he’s just trying to digest the reality of what used to b my problem ( now OUR) problem. I’ve avoided this for so long. Not so I can keep gambling. And I thought it was just embarrassment. I realise that is embarrassment is one factor the other is… I just didn’t want it to become his problem too. I’m the fixer normally… For everyone I know. I’m not good at putting my burdens on others. I’ve just shared a major, nasty horrible burden. To someone I love, just so I can cope… How is that fair?

    • #29657
      charlster2
      Participant

      Hi BU,

      You’ve done the right thing regardless of the initial fallout it causes. It’s the right thing for you and also the right thing for both of you as a couple.

      You haven’t just told him so you can cope, it’s much, much more than that. Yes he’ll be shocked, upset and there may even be trust issues initially, but when the dust settles and he comes to terms with this and starts to understand your problem, you’ll both realise that it was the best thing you could have done.

      This secret World that you were living in, that all CG’s live in, is now shattered and exposed which will make it more difficult for you to gamble. A problem shared is a problem halved and you’ll be much stronger as a unit rather than trying to face this alone.

      I would be devastated if a partner of mine was suffering in silence, I would want to know everything so that I can help and I’m sure he’ll feel the same.

      It is much better you both discuss this face to face so it’s probably a good thing that he hasn’t text you back.

      Good luck BU, you’ve done an incredibly brave thing, really hope everything works out for you sooner, rather than later.

      Charlster

    • #29658
      butchugly
      Participant

      I’ve told my parents too. I’ve cried more this weekend than I have for the last 10 yrs. I feel like I’ve opened a can of worms that I can’t cope with. And I feel ashamed. Sleezy, scummy and ugly. Can’t bare to look at myself.

    • #29659
      vera
      Participant

      Tears bring healing!
      Been there…..

    • #29660
      p
      Participant

      Have a look at what you have in place to stop another relapse, are there other things you can add, banning from venues, sites, going to gamblers anonymous meetings, going to counselling.. have an emergency plan for when urges arise.. when i get urges i let everyone i know in GA know that i have urges, i out the urges so they are not a secret.. you need to throw all you can at this addiciton because ultimately this addiciton wants to take us down.. the more you deny the gambling monster a feed, the more it will quieten down over time but it usually gets a bit worse before it gets better.. look at what you can add to your recovery.. try a combination of things…

      P

    • #29661
      butchugly
      Participant

      This may seem a bit daft but I don’t think I really have registered what deep urges feel like. Obviously I know they are there or I wouldnt be a CG. But I’ve been trying to think what they feel like. Because I think of gambling and then gamble. I go from thought to playing. I don’t even try and ride through any urges to know what it feels like. So I have that to come I guess. When I didn’t gamble prior to my most recent spree, I didn’t want to. I was so angry at it and it felt good not to gamble. I realise now that my anger held me. But anger isn’t going to help me manage this disease. Does that make any sense?

    • #29662
      vera
      Participant

      Anger often held me back from gambling too, BU. Anger at the “greedy casino owners” Anger at myself, at others,as did pride, greed , sloth, you name it !
      And guess what? All these emotions CAUSED me to gamble on occasions too, until, in the end, I felt no emotion. Just like a zombie feeding machines mindlessly.
      I never felt extreme urges either BU. Just got the notion to go and off I went nonchalantly !
      Recovery is all about awareness, BU. For me it hits me in fits and starts.
      As Geordie says “Just because the monkey jumps off your back, doesn’t mean the circus has left town!”.

    • #29663
      I_Maverick
      Participant

      BU I know exactly what you mean. I knew shouldn’t have been gambling last year, I KNEW it in all of my heart – but that didn’t stop me saying “I’ll just have 30 mins” and before I knew it 5 hours had passed. That is what my gambling online was like. I know now that if I didn’t have blockers in place, such as NetNanny and also my wife holding my cards, I would have gambled to excape these horrible feelings.

      I was just walking the dog and I had urges to gamble. I have no way of gambling, but then I saw a bookies and remembered I had no cash on me. SO the blockers are working.

      I don’t want to gamble for fun or to ‘win’ money – I want destruction, it’s what I feel I deserve. I think that my depression and self harming at the moment is linked to this. If I can’t gamble I will have to find other ways of hurting myself – ruining my company, my finances, hurting my family, myself etc etc. Gambling became a form of self harm. I need move on – everyone says that. But I am so scared about the future and what it holds. That is the root of my stress. That and knowing I didn’t have to be in this position.

      There is so much wisdom on this site, I wish I could have found it 3 years ago when my gambling was just starting. When they say it is progressive it is true. I know I am still going through withdrawel, that is why I am so depressed. My brain is not making enough dopanine when I do fun things as it was used to such a rush from gambling. And my last relapse was so intense in every sense of the word. The feeling of helplessness when I was 3.5K down, and the feeling of numbness when I was 1K up. I am glad I have not gambled since, but my god I want to, just to escape. I am truly addicted, I think about it all the time. I think about the pain and misery it has caused, the hurt, the way it stops you thinking of the future.

      BU, ride out those urges. DO what i didn’t do – understand they are only urges and that if you take 5 mins to think them through, think about time lose and money lost and how bad you will feel if you gamble, you can ride them out. I wish I ad been able to do this 1 year ago, 6 months ago etc etc.

      the only time is now, and now is the time I want to start rebuilding. BUt the effort required scares me, the amount of change I have to undergo. I am not very self aware, I just kind of exist. That is the scariest change of all, finding out who I really am. At the moment my list is:

      lazy, egotistical, a know-all, liar, cheat, thief, uncaring, selfish, mean, self-centered, whining, arrogant, self-pitying, wallowing, living in the past, regretting, self-flagellating, irresponsible, pathetic and a lack of will to change.

      NOt a good list,. The list I would like is: caring, trustworthy, active, responsible, adult, mature, thoughtful, aware of others needs, good with money, confident, self-love.

      Stay strong, we are all in this together.

    • #29664
      butchugly
      Participant

      I don’t like it. I’m going to change that. However long it takes

    • #29665
      butchugly
      Participant

      Err that was hard.
      They are going to call me back. I don’t know why but I don’t feel I want to go to counselling or GA. But I guess it’s the next step

    • #29666
      butchugly
      Participant

      48 hrs of no gaming what so ever. Struggling to occupy my free time. If I had money I would go do something. I’ve baked but that’s it. My mind is stuck on this at the mo.. I’ve got a counselling appointment booked for two days time errrr. Feel in limbo. It’s really hard to look forward right now. I’m not suicidal or anything. But I do feel lost. I hope this gets better soon

    • #29667
      vera
      Participant

      Early days BU! When I first realized I was in Deep Sh%t, I found walking a great help. Symbolic, as well as time consuming. I was walking away from my past. I also used baking as a distraction. Still do!
      I hope you get support from your nearest and dearest. I didn’t!!! In hindsight, I was lucky though that he didn’t pack his bags and leave OR PACK MINE!
      I’m having flash backs these last few days to the destruction and chaos I created by gambling. Delayed shock! The debt is still scary. I’m very lucky to have a GT “Buddy” I can email to share with. Means a lot because in my experience, non CGs , no matter how well intended. just don’t “get it”!
      Make sure your Gambling counsellor has experience in G counselling before you go there!

    • #29668
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      BU, I had a recent relapse so I know where you are coming from. I know it was hard for you to come clean to your partner and parents about your gambling but when I came clean, it was freeing. My dirty secret was out in the open. Don’t beat yourself up! Let go of the negative thoughts about yourself and move forward. GA was really hard for me to commit to in the beginning of my recovery but has been very beneficial for me. Hang in there!!!

    • #29669
      butchugly
      Participant

      Logic tells me that I will get used to this but my heart and soul is struggling to believe it. I’m so used to premeditating what things will feel like. I’m a planner. Need to know what’s going to happen next. This time for this THING, I’m just waiting. It’s like.. What’s next. Today my partner and I were trying to work out what future money can be saved towards our wedding. We are only JUST going to cut it.. Very finely. Then I was trying to work out how much cash I’m going to need this week. As im off.. So im sitting there adding up.. Hmm lets see. I need x for fuel for my car, x to take the girls to the movies and x for new school shoes for the youngest. So anyway, I’m trying to come to an exact figure… So he can give me the cash (since I no longer have my cards). I’m glad he’s doing this.. But I tell you what, something else that I’ve just woken up to… The value of money… Gees, I completely lost any value to money…prior to today. Adding those things together kills my two week budget. So next week I’ll have none. Maybe a few pounds but that’s it. And payday in 4 weeks. Can’t look forward to that.. Cause I won’t see any of it, or the next month. Infact I won’t see any of what I earn until my wedding in July. Then after that.. I’ll be getting out of debt for two years.. I know that’s how it’s got to be, but it sucks!! I guess all I can do now is get to know myself again as the nongambler. Noncandycrusher and whatever other game I could get hooked on. BU the chef? BU the walker? BU the sit and stare at the tver? Socialising?? What’s that? I mean I’ve got a lot of work to do now to change.. And I want to change. It’s just so daunting .. Sorry for the rant.. Just feel stuck..

    • #29670
      butchugly
      Participant

      I do realise that this is exactly why I have relapsed.. So I’m thinking, once I fgure out how to enjoy other things and when I start liking myself again, the desire to gamble will gradually decrease. Especially when I see my relationships with people blossom and my finances improve. I just want it to happen now!! That’s the CG talking

    • #29671
      jansdad
      Participant

      I remember my early “clean” days back in December, I was like “tick clock, tick”, I wanted to add clean days to my count. Then I relapsed badly on day 63 and went on another spree.

      I’m not sure why I relapsed, but I do know why it was so lethal (lost $10K in matter of days) – because I didn’t have blockers in place.

      Fighting this addiction is a learning process and it’s different for everyone. There are no absolute truths.

    • #29672
      butchugly
      Participant

      Guilt guilt guilt over rules me! So I had £110 in my purse today. I bought £40 of fuel. Spent some in tesco. Then bought ejuice for my ecig. Then bought a birthday present for my daughter’s father ( didn’t really want to). Then bought my youngest new shoes for school. That left me £7. I’m not sure how much parking will be when I go to councelling tomorrow so that £7 will come in handy. What really got to me is my youngest hinted at a pair of converse joggers. And in reality, I should have bought them for her.. But because of my gambling I just can’t afford it. Not with my 16yr old’s birthday Tuesday. So I feel guilty of cheating my children of things they deserve. I will get another £40 next week. But I’m taking the girls to the movies as I couldn’t afford it this week. So that will leave me with £15 in my purse. That’s all. It’s going to be like this for a long time. It guilts me because, I’ve done this to my family. I’m not sure how I’m going to enjoy life. I’m sure I’ll find a way in time.. And again.. I’m starting to understand the value of money again. Shame there’s not more coming in so that this recovery is a bit easier. I’m going to try and save at least £10 of the 15, and maybe the same next week so I can treat the family to a take away or something.. Seems so piddily but that’s all I can do.

    • #29673
      p
      Participant

      Please dont beat yourself up its so easy to do.. you are a person with an addiciton.. you are trying.. continue on now and learn from this relapse.. what did you learn from it? was there something missing.. more support maybe.. please try a gamblers anonymous meeting.. counselling, friends, family, post, read, talk on the phone.. why not try everything.. what have you got to lose..

      P

    • #29674
      butchugly
      Participant

      I went to my first counselling session Wednesday. I was very skeptical. It went well anyway. I got a little emotional and realised a few things. The point is it made things bearable to face. Today I have £3 in my purse. I managed to make the cold hard cash in my purse do what it needed to do and I’m slowly learning the value of money. The shame I feel is still there and I can’t help but think about what financial position I would be in had I not gambled. I know I would be doing a lot more over the Easter holz that’s for sure. But at least I’m alive I guess… I think shame may be my biggest hurdle to overcome. I hope my partner can look at me the same way he used to soon. He is kind to me, helpful and supportive. But there’s still a different look about him.

    • #29675
      butchugly
      Participant

      Have been able to watch the TV and actually relax. Always used to play games while watching tv. Not just necessarily gambling but free games such as candy crush. At present, I can’t play any games as I have discovered recently that I have to break this routine of gaming all together. It’s been tough. I won’t lie. But today has been ok. Moods are still up and down and still struggling to get past what I’ve done to myself but hey ho. If it was easy, there wouldn’t be any lessons to lear right? If it was easy, I wouldn’t really have a problem right? Perhaps if it was easy, I wouldn’t have ever got drawn into this in the first place right?

    • #29676
      vera
      Participant

      BU, I have noticed for years that there is a link between those games on the phone and playing slot machines. I used to play “Snake” madly, as I drove to the casino. I couldn’t even stop on roundabouts. When I ease off on gambling my Snake playing subsides too. I see it now as a bad omen when I start playing again. I won’t allow myself to play them They have the same effect on me as gambling does. They cause tension and a restless buzz. Do you find that?

    • #29677
      butchugly
      Participant

      That is probably where my addiction lies. Hence not playing anything.

    • #29678
      butchugly
      Participant

      It was interesting and slightly emotional. I feel like I’ve been on a major emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks. The regret and guilt is still there but it’s not consuming me hour by hour. My moods are up and down throughout each day, but I do manage to find some positives. Positive note #1 from me and for anyone else who may be struggling and reads this… I am learning to appreciate things more through this battle. #2 when I overcome this, I will be a new person… (That’s a good thing, because I didn’t really like who I was before gambling and I don’t like who I am now). #3 I won’t live a lonely life in years to come because I will have learned to re-socialise with friends and family. There are many more positive notes to come. Infact I might start a new feed just for everyone to put positive notes/messages. Any opinions??

    • #29679
      butchugly
      Participant

      Wow it’s gone so quick!! I guess the therapy is helping and coming clean to my family has made this possible. Definitely not will power …yet. I’m no where near ready to rely on sheer will power. Blockers, therapy and people that love me are helping me. I just hope it works long term..

    • #29680
      butchugly
      Participant

      Its been nearly two months since my last spree. I haven’t had any deep urges, just fleeting thoughts of regret and the occasional flash back of rainbow riches and a few others I liked playing. The sadness seems to be slowly disappearing. I also seem to appreciate life so much more, my family, my home and even work. I enjoy time alone too, which is something I had been very afraid of since starting this journey of recovery. I know deep down I cannot be trusted still as this site has highlighted to me how quick an urge can turn into a relapse hence blockers still in place. I have actually become acustomed to not holding my debit cards. Infact my partner had to give me one of my cards last week because I had to take my dog to the vets, and I couldn’t wait to get rid of it, I almost see having any card as a burden.
      I think I may have had a mini relapse three weeks ago and ongoing, not with gambling but playing pool on my phone. It may seem daft but my daughter invited me to play against her and that was it BOOM-hooked. I haven’t been playing any games up till then. That may not seem like a big deal but I am spending money via iTunes to compete in matches. Yes its not a game of chance hence probably why there aren’t any urges to gamble but I have become addicted. So I am ashamed of that and now find myself ‘trying’ to not play and failing. Its almost laughable in some ways but is problematic. I do wish I did not have an addictive personality. Anyway just thought I would post to say hi. feedback about pool would be nice.

      BU

    • #29681
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi butch , it was lovely to speak to u in chat. Sorry I got cut off.. About the pool… I think we should watch out for anything that might become a compulsion.. Like gambling it takes more than our money .. It takes our time, out head space and stops of doing other things .

      That’s just my opinion Butch .. I’m no expert . .. But well done on staying gamble free

    • #29682
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi butch , it was lovely to speak to u in chat. Sorry I got cut off.. About the pool… I think we should watch out for anything that might become a compulsion.. Like gambling it takes more than our money .. It takes our time, out head space and stops of doing other things .

      That’s just my opinion Butch .. I’m no expert . .. But well done on staying gamble free

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