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  • #5194
    Tillow
    Participant

    Hi,

    This is the first time i am posting but I need a place where I can get this off my chest.

    I have been with my partner for the past 4 years and we have a 3 year old son together, soon after our son was born, my partner turned 25 and his little online gambling soon turned into full blown gambling in casino’s and wherever and whenever he found the opportunity to gamble. This was a very hard period and together with his mum we helped exclude himself from casinos and work towards settling all of his debt.

    As his mum helped him financial, he shut me out of this problem and I let it be as he seemed to be getting better over time. Not to long ago he settled all of his debt and his mother allowed him ta take care of himself financially. Lately he had been acting strange and yesterday he finally admitted that he has started gambling again and that he took out a substantial loan which he has now lost. I can’t believe this has happened again, and I didn’t even have the slightest clue he was gambling, he was very proud that he had finally overcome his problem and was actually saving up money.

    During his gambling free period, the toll of all of his gambling left me sad and depressed and even though I was still unsure of my relationship with him I was gradually becoming happier. Now, with this new revelation I have been left feeling numb. I am working on my dissertation as I am in my final year of uni and this was already a very stressfull period in my life, the only way I can cope is to focus on my studies and focus on helping him get through this rough period as his great loss has left him very depressed I have never seen him cry so much. He wants to get help and I will be taking him to gamblers anonymous on Monday and he also wanted to see a psychologist next week.

    These are really good things but I am still disappointed in what has happen, he has ruined our chance to move out of our parent’s houses next year as he’ll be busy paying off his debt . All i ever wanted was to provide the best childhood for my son but all my hopes are dying out. I want to leave him but I don’t want my son to loose his father, and I can’t bear to disrupt our lives so much at the moment.

    Am I selfish for wanting to focus on school these next 6 month? Is it ok if I shut out my worries for my future, during this time? Once I am done I can really decide wether I’m in this relationship or not.

    Do any of you have any advice? I would love to hear from your experiences, thank you for reading and I hope you all have a great new year.

    Tillow

    #5195
    velvet
    Moderator

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    Hello Tillow

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    #5196
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tillow
    I think and hope that going to GA will be the turning point for your partner; this site and GA exist because controlling the addiction to gamble requires the right support – did he try and do it on his own before? There is no cure for this addiction but I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that it can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. The relapse he has had does not have to be viewed completely negatively – often a CG working through a slip will be stronger.
    I hear nothing selfish in you wanting to focus on school for the next 6 months – in fact it is what I would have suggested to you. You worrying about his addiction won’t make a scrap of difference to his outcome but keeping yourself healthy and refusing to allow his addiction to bring you down will be the best thing you can do for him, yourself and your child.
    Worrying about the future at the moment will only cloud your judgement and mess up your chances of a good dissertation – we can only live one day at a time. I found the following has helped me many times to stay focused
    YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

    There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
    One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
    The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
    Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
    This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    Keep posting and maybe pop into the F&F group – you will always be welcome.
    Velvet

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