[Fritz]

I thought I had it kicked. I didn’t. It’s been a long time since I have posted because I went through a pretty long period of success (about 3 years) against this awful affiction hit me again late last year. Somehow all the pain was forgotten over that time.
The adrenaline rush and the fantasy of watching the cards flip sucked me in again, hard. But for me it’s not about winning. It’s about spending everything I have in search of the big win. It is ridiculous but it is so fascinating and mesmerizing I just can’t stop.
Now I’m a sad mess. That’s why I’m here. I’m thankful for this forum. It’s helped me a lot before and hopefully it will again. Cheers to Recovery!

[Ryan123678]

Hi Fritz you can do it again 3 years is a long time. Try to remember what helped you stop last time and what barriers you can put in place. I think we forget over time how painful it is losing everything and it drags us back in. Stay strong and keep checking back in here.

[Fritz]

That’s good advice,  I thankfully know what I need to do with my prior experience in recovery. Remove access to money and refocus my energy on my wellness.  Remove triggers. Talk with others and share my feelings. Remember that no matter what we can overcome this and build a happy life day by day. In the end it is my personal choice and responsibility to stay safe.

[i-did-it]

Fritz, Ryan has given you good advice.
You know how to stop and stay stopped.
Until you get that brain shift which overrides the addiction, set your barriers as high as possible.
Remove the automatic pilot gambling from your life and focus on wellness.

You can do this .

[Steev]

“But for me it’s not about winning. It’s about spending everything I have in search of the big win.”

So what is the “big win?” Is there an amount that you could win where you would honestly say, “right that’s it. I’ve got the amount I want and I am going to stop now?”

It is only since I have been stopped some years that I have realised that for me, the big win was just a fantasy. What would I have done with it – why I would have used it to carry on gambling.

Amongst the many things which I did when I stopped was to look realistically at my life. It is how I want it to be? If not, why not? What can I do to change it?

Money is not our life. Having money can give us more choices and can eliminate worry – but our lives are what we choose to make them. I don’t know if you had been feeling directionless, but perhaps ask yourself – “if I had that big win what would I do with it?” Then see how you can work towards that goal without gambling.

As I said earlier, the big win (for most) is just a fantasy. It is one of the things that the gambling companies use to keep us in play. “You need to be in it – to win it!” Letting go of that fantasy and living a life without it can be a wrench, but if we are living out the lives we want then what more could we possibly want? I wish you well.

[Fritz]

Thank you for the response. Yes, thankfully I do know how to stop, since I’ve had a long period gamble free recently, so I have that experience going for me. First step for me is just let it go and move on. It happened, it’s over, and that can be the end of it, if that’s what I choose, so that’s what I choose! That simple. Otherwise it’s really easy to bury myself in guilt and depression over a relapse and then let that turn into another relapse. So I need to forgive myself, which I have done, but only with an oath to myself to be true to my commitment to redouble my efforts to leave gambling behind for good. Barriers are critical as is someone you can trust with your money, which I’m lucky enough to have.
I agree that focusing on things that matter such as wellness are really important both in terms of taking up time but also refocusing thoughts and energy. Gambling is 100% negative for me and always will be. I don’t want more negative I want more positive! So latching onto and doing the positive things in life {every week} is the key. It all sounds pretty simple and cliche but it’s not easy to get the focus completely off of gambling and keep it off- it takes a lot of diligence, vigilance, strong desire and time.

[Fritz]

Yes it is, yes it is. It’s quite meaningless for me, actually. I’ve been at the point where I thought it was something, but that was long ago. That’s part of the battle but not all of the battle. Progress not perfection is my mantra right now, and to make the best choices I can moving forward day by day. I wish you well as well.

[Fritz]

I’m working toward getting back to where I want to be. My last bet was on March 7th 2020, my wife’s birthday. For me it’s all about getting back to being honest with myself if I start having the gambling itch again. I need to tell someone that’s what I’m feeling and get some help. When I do, I stay safe. When I don’t, I’m headed for a relapse.

[Steev]

The relapse starts with the thought and if we can catch that thought and see what is behind it we can do something to stop the gamble in its tracks.

I learnt to notice when I was thinking about gambling and then think – what has caused this and how can I satisfy the need in me (usually an emotional one) without gambling.

For me it was often simple boredom. Gambling created drama in my life and made life more interesting . But it was negatively interesting – so finding stuff that was more positive was the way out for me.

Find out emotional need you are trying to satisfy with gambling and try another way . I wish you well.

[Fritz]

Yeah catching that thought….in the moment and then really pondering why, what is the root cause?   I am married but when my wife and I are emotionally disconnected, I desire gambling.  So yeah you hit the nail right on the head for me, Steev.   I often consider gambling to be my mistress.  For me at this time it is the having been away for it for quite a long time and then memories fade and it pops into my brain and I’m suddenly thinking there is some novelty to it again worth trying out. 

I also can completely relate to the “drama and negatively interesting” thing.  A distraction.  A way to enter a different universe for a while.  

And finally the way toward a happier life… filling the void with positive activities that give me the excitement I crave, but in a positive way… for example working on strengthening my relationships.  Moving forward instead of looking backward and thinking about what is possible, not looking at everything like it is so impossible for things to change for the better.  

Coming up on a month which is great but I need to work on being very in tune and mindful when the thoughts come around, which they inevitably will.

Thank you Steev for your reply, I really appreciate it.

[Fritz]

Gambling free for a month. On to month 2!

[i-did-it]

Well done Fritz.
One month is a great achievement. Those early days can be very challenging. As you describe, gambling thoughts will opportunity to our heads from time to time but you know exactly what to do when this happens.

Keep strong Fritz – you’ve got this !

[Fritz]

I took an important step. I dropped out of my fantasy football league for the upcoming NFL season (assuming the season happens, who knows with coronavirus). Anyway this was the last bit of gambling that I never let go of up until this year, even though I had stopped all other gambling from 2011-2018 with a few relapses in between those years. I didn’t want to admit that my fantasy football league was gambling and it was a problem to continue it.

Well I now realize that I was lying to myself about that. I realize now that it was a problem. I was obsessive about it, and it took over 17 weeks of my life each year. It doesn’t matter that it was small stakes and only one league. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t win or lose any money until that final game at the end of the football season. It sucked me in and occupied a huge part of my existence during the season and made me a nervous wreck on many occasions. I told myself not to let go because of the social connections and fear of losing those friends. The reality is I didn’t want to let go because of the thrill of the games, I didn’t want to let go because it was gambling and I was addicted to it.

So goodbye fantasy football, I’m throwing you on the trash heap with all the other forms of my gambling addiction and not looking back.

And as of today 6/8/2020 I am 3 months gambling free. It feels great! I have support and therapy which helps tremendously. And now very importantly I have a completely honest conscience- with no exceptions.

[kathryn]

Well done on your gamble free time!
nYou know what to do and it seems you are doing it, and well!
nI don’t have a lot to add, but my lovely friend Laura once gave me a Tip in terms of urges and recognising what is causing them and I thought you might like to hear it…
n
nHALT
nHungry
nAngry
nLonely
nTired
n
nUsually an urge is caused by one of these things, not always , but it’s good to be aware! Every little bit helps!
nWishing you well on your recovery journey,
nKathryn x
n

[Fritz]

These are very good tips, thanks for your reply!

I’m working a lot on my mindfulness. Listening to my mind and body is so important.  The bottom line is life for me is so wonderful living sober and not gambling, I have no interest going back to my old lifestyle.  I’m so much more present, calm, peaceful, and grateful.  

[Fritz]

I held out with one Roth IRA investment account. I told myself I would keep the money in there fixed on a total market fund until retirement. I couldn’t resist the temptation and bought penny stocks.
n
nI came clean earlier this week. This disease is like weeds in the garden, so difficult to completely eradicate. I found myself studying stock charts instead of doing my assigned work. I feel guilty and dirty.
n
nWell I’ve pulled the final weeds again and hopefully haven’t dropped too many weed seeds while tossing them in the bin.
n
nI really still can’t have any accounts to manage, I’ve learned that lesson. I want to work an honest days work every day, and I’m back with the right mindset once again. I’ve turned over control of that account to my wife.
n
nI’ve really done pretty well over the last 9 years since my first GA meeting in 2011. A few slips here and there but nothing like the really dark days from 2004 to 2011. As all of these weeds have been managed, one by one, I’m truly letting go. I’ve learned that I don’t need to feel responsible for how my investments perform it’s better to set and forget and accept that markets go up and down and that’s ok. I don’t need to worry about it or try to influence financial outcomes. It isn’t my fault if the investments go poorly nor is it to my credit if they do well.
n
nI realized I have spent a huge amount of my precious free time studying markets and it’s all been a complete waste. No more! I will find better things to do from now on!
n
nProgress not perfection. One day at a time, one moment at a time.

[Steev]

You may have seen this idea. We think of an aeroplane as flying from point A to B in a straight line, but what actually happens is that it starts flying straight but get knocked off course by turbulence and other factors so the pilot or autopilot has to correct it. So if you were to see the true course of the plane it would look like a zig-zag from A to B.
n
nThe idea is that this what recovery is like. It is not a straight line. I lurch from having some ideas about gambling to correcting myself and getting on a better pathway, (hopefully without actually gambling.)
n
nYou have noticed another particular trigger for yourself. You have acted to stop that from going any further. You are still on your journey to a new life. I wish you well.

[Fritz]

Thanks Steev. I really like metaphors, they help me to visualize lots of different situations. Turbulence and mid-flight corrections. This is a good way to view it and I’ll keep it in mind. Unfortunately at this time after so long under the shadow of gambling I’m feeling quite down about how much this disease controls me and how much suffering it has inflicted, but I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other and attempt to focus on the positive aspects of my recovery. Thanks again I appreciate the support.

[Author]

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