Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Hi Im new, desperate and need help

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  • #3004
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi Im new here. My partner is currently having treatment at Gordon Moody and theyve advised him no contact with outside, Although I realise this has been done in his best interest it didnt happen immediately and he didnt do it gently. Ive been left feeling like a bad partner and incredibly upset and alone. None of my friends understand why I stand by him but I love him and want so much for him to get help, and the normal life and peace he wants! And I want- help !!!!! Neecy

    #3005
    Dunc
    Keymaster

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    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3006
    monique
    Participant

    Hi Neecy. I am glad you have come here and I hope you will find useful information and the support you need, practical and emotional.
    It is very difficult when you are separated from the one you love and do not fully understand what is going on.
    You haven’t written a lot yet, but I am sure you will find people here who have been through the kind of thing you are now experiencing.
    When we love someone who is a compulsive gambler, we often become very involved and focus entirely on their life and their needs. We can overlook our own personal life and needs – we may think that all we need is for the loved one to stop gambling and get his life sorted out and then we will be fine. But here, we learn that each partner needs to learn about his/her individual needs and make their own journey of ‘recovery’. This is one of the reasons that the rehabilitation programme may want your husband to face things apart from you and truly start his own journey for his own reasons – it is not to make things difficult but to better facilitate his recovery.

    I would encourage you to use the time apart to think about you and the things you need on a personal level and to really cherish yourself in ways that make you feel better and stronger. Your husband will be cared for and you can perhaps take a breather from all your worries about him.
    I don’t know if this makes sense just now, but stick with it, read other people’s stories and take care of yourself. Write more about yourself and your questions and arm yourself with relevant information. We would love to get to know you better and therefore be able to offer you the right help.
    Very best wishes,

    Monique

    #3007
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi Monique
    Thank you for the warm welcome. As you suggest I will tell you a little of my story andhow I come to be here.
    My partner is not my husband, we do not even live together in fact I live in Wales he lives in England but we have been a couple over 18 months.
    Initially I did not know about his gambling. He told me he had a problem with alcohol, although when we met he wasnt drinking. It was mnths later, long after I had fallen in love with him that he had written me a letter and handed it to me telling me about his gambling. Even then I was oblivious at to the awful extent of it, and of the dark despair he often found himself in.
    Months later he decided to move to Wales and rent a house near me. For about 6 months it worked and he didnt gamble but to try to earn a livin he was travelling back home every weekend for hi business. Thats when the problems started and he moved back to go back into GA meetings as in Wales there is only one a week , whereas there it was every day.
    Then the gambling really took hold with avengeance again. Our relationship was off more than it was on as he struggled with the guilt of lying to me. When hes guilty he pushes me away as he knows hes letting me down. Then he uses drink to curb the gambling and it becomes a viscious circle.
    My kids turned against him because of the drinking and the way he was upsetting me when he constantly pushed me away and pulled me back to him. Im an intelligent woman with a degree but with him Im putty. Ive seen the awful dark, depths he plummets too , hes gambled since he was 9 years old, and hes desperate to stop. Hes a lovely, clever, kind, sweet man when hes not gambling who’d do anything for anyone.
    Im desperately unhappy. I want so much for all this madness to stop. I want what we had those first few months he came to Wales. I dont know where to turn. Ive worried about him and looked out for him, organised and sorted him, even though these last months from afar. Ive seen me jumping on the train because hes in such a state and not getting there till 10 pm at night. And id do it all again tomorrow? How do I survive this time with no contact? How do I get myself back when all I can think of is him and his problems?
    Neecy

    #3008
    velvet
    Moderator

    I will reply to you later Neecy. I am sorry you had connection problems.

    You are doing well with your posts.

    There is another group in the morning – I hope we can connect and communicate in real time – there is lots to say. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.

    #3009
    monique
    Participant

    Hi Neecy
    It’s good to hear more from you. I am sorry I used the word ‘husband’, as it was not correct – I hope this did not offend. I can see that you are deeply concerned about your partner.

    I imagine from seeing Velvet’s posts that you have been trying to use the live group session – I think you will benefit greatly from that, so I hope you will not have any technical problems next time. Velvet has a wealth of experience and great ability to help people with your kind of questions.

    I can see how much you give of yourself to try to help your partner change his life. Again, I want to gently suggest that you also take some time to think of yourself and maybe choose one thing to help you cherish yourself and, for a moment, put all the gambler’s problems aside. Looking after you can become the best way, ultimately, of standing against this horrible addiction. That may not yet make sense, but stick with us! Everyone here will want to see you blossom and be joyful again. We do not know what your future is going to be like in any detail, of course, but we want you to be well and content.
    Very best wishes again,

    Monique

    #3010
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Neecy
    How your words resonate – ‘he didn’t do it gently’, ‘it didn’t happen immediately’ and you feel like the bad partner, upset and alone. Your partner is now in a place of safety and support with a chance to turn his life around but you are bewildered by events and need support. That support is here for as long as you need it.

    Nobody knows when a CG (compulsive gambler) enters a true recovery and that includes the CG so it is common for those entering rehab that they do not do it quietly. It is the scariest thing your partner will ever do and his addiction would have been screaming in his head that ‘it’ could save him and he didn’t need to do anything so drastic.

    Compulsive gambling is totally selfish and selfishness is necessary for the CG to control their addiction. The battle your partner will fight in rehab is for ‘his’ life and the time he is away is a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of his life so he needs to take every precious moment and use it for himself. Gordon House will give him the tools to control his addiction for life if he chooses to take them and you looking after you is the most important thing you can do for him.

    There is no judgement on this site. I understand why you jumped on the train believing you were supporting your partner when he was in a state but in rehab he will be learning that he has to take responsibility for his own life and not expect you to ‘sort him out. It is important that you are the rock and not the putty. Putty is malleable and the addiction to gamble is the master of manipulation.

    If you give all your time to thinking about your partner and his problems then you are not looking after the most important person and that is you.

    Don’t turn anywhere else, you are doing fine. Fill your time with things that feel good for you, let your children see that you are strong and coping or they will blame your partner.

    My CG went through the Gordon House programme and is living happily in control of his addiction. It isn’t easy learning how to support a CG but I believe it is nothing compared to the battle that a CG has to fight.

    You have done well starting your thread. Your partner has done well to go into Gordon House. Keep posting. Knowledge of this addiction will give you power over it.

    I hope we get to speak in real time soon.

    Velvet

    #3011
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi Velvet
    Thank you for your words of comfort, and support, they helped a lot. I’m finding it really hard and I’m so emotional. I’m totally scared that when he finishes the rehab he won’t want me anymore. Been scared to say it but now I have. That’s selfish isn’t it when I want so much for him to be free of this nightmare life.
    Neecy

    #3012
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Neecy

    The Christmas post was never written with the intent to make anybody feel bad.

    There is a lot of things that I have learned over the years and I learned the hard way. Don’t feel bad. How could you or anybody possibly know what this addiction was capable of doing without knowledge.

    I hope you are able to access groups soon.

    Velvet

    #3013
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Neecy

    I will certainly be there to welcome you into the F&F group tonight and my CG has been through the Gordon House programme.

    Try and keep to just one thread. if you have more than one running then posts will get lost and we want to support you.

    Velvet

    #3014
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Neecy

    The addiction to gamble takes confidence and self-esteem away from the person who loves the CG. Without realising what they are doing F&F gradually give up their hobbies, their social life, interest in their appearance, their diet, everything is sacrificed in the determination to make the CG realise what a wonderful world it is without compulsive gambling. 24 hours a day is given over to the addiction of another which means there is no time to think about self.

    The end result is that the F&F personality gets lost and given enough time they can end up pathetic blobs – I know because I was one.

    While your partner is in GH he will be working on himself – he will struggle for quite a few weeks and possibly blame you for the fact he is there. If he dedicates himself to the programme he will learn that the responsibility for his behaviour, for his addiction and for his life is down to him – that he is the only person who can change his life. He will be given the tools to make that change, to live in control of his addiction and to take responsibility for himself .

    When the leaves GH he will be as a new bud that has yet to blossom – the blossoming will cover his life-time.

    Those who wait for the CG can carry on as they always have, believing that all the change is down to the CG, so that when he comes home they are the same – or they can work on themselves, have a make-over, see friends, go to the theatre and in so doing build their self-confidence and self-esteem.

    The CG does not deliberately destroy the self-esteem and confidence of the person who loves them most and so for me the way to deal with the time, when the CG is away, is the way tht builds self-esteem. Your partner will need a rock when he comes home and that is someone who is confident that they are important.

    I unwittingly lived with and enabled the addiction to gamble for 25 years and it took me to a place I will never go to again. I have ‘chosen’ to learn about the addiction and I have learned to like myself enough to never live with the addiction again. I like me enough to look after myself and that is the person that my CG was surprised to meet when he left GH.

    I hope this makes sense.

    I would call GH once a week about 10am on a Tuesday when the staff had time to arrive and get settled. I would ask if my CG was ok and they would reply that they had seen him and he was smiling, or he was washing up or something like that. They didn’t volunteer more because his battle with his addiction was his to have alone – it had nothing to do with me. It was enough for me that he was still there. I didn’t speak to him for 6 months.

    I can offer you no greater support Denise than to suggest you look after yourself, that you do things each day that give you pleasure, that you talk to others and grow in yourself. You are important even if you don’t realise it. You are too important to waste your time rushing to the side of a man who is in a state because of ‘his’ poor behaviour. The awful depths he plummeted to where as a result of his behaviour, not yours. He is learning to cope with his behaviour and the best thing you can do is appreciate his effort and match it by putting you first.

    The first few months that you want back when he first came to Wales will not be the most wonderful months for your partner. His addiction was in control of him then. Imagine how much happier he will be if he turns his life around and takes control of that addiction.

    I hope I am making sense. I hope you will come right back at me if there anything you disagree with or you struggle with. I really do understand how hard it is and I am sorry our session ended as it did.

    You are so important to what happens when he leave GH. We have different versions of the Serenity prayer on the site. My favourite is:-

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    Courage to change the thing that I can
    And Wisdom to know it is me.
    Speak soon

    Velvet

    #3015
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi Velvet I’m going to try to get on at three today. I had hideous weekend I had a Dear John letter from my CG on Friday that was so cruel . He said he’s been encouraged in GH to be honest and he’s told me he doesn’t love me and that our relationship has been over a while and he’s been with me out of guilt. Then some very very cruel personal stuff as well as hinting that all he’s lost his home possessions etc is down to me. I’m devastated. All I’ve done is help him , even him being there is down to my efforts. I’m at a total loss and so hurt by his callous words and cruelty, yet I love him still. I even tempered my reply not to jeopardize his treatment. Don’t think I’m setting myself up as a saint, I’m far from it. But I didn’t deserve thisxxxxx

    #3016
    monique
    Participant

    It sounds like you have had some horrible things to cope with. I do hope you get to Velvet’s group, where I am sure you will find the right support in this. I think you are doing really well to ‘temper’ your reply. You can obviously discuss your contact in more detail in the group, but I am just wondering if you need to write much at all right now? It looks like you partner is off-loading a lot of his stuff, which he feels the need to do, but it may be best to put it aside and concentrate on nurturing yourself. I am sure Velvet will have useful ideas on this to discuss with you. The addiction can be very cruel, as you are finding, and also so irrational and manipulative.
    Best wishes,

    Monique

    #3017
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Velvet only runs 3 groups a week

    Every week, on Tuesday, from 20:00 to 21:00
    Every week, on Wednesday, from 11:00 to 12:00
    Every week, on Thursday, from 21:00 to 22:00

    But we run lots of other groups, please if you log in at 1500 come and see me in the Community group

    Take Care

    Harry

    #3018
    Neecy
    Participant

    Thanks Harry I logged on at three it was showing you there but I didn’t get reply to my posts? Then it logged me out and as it had gone 3:15 couldn’t get back in

    Monique thanks for your words and advice. I’m in pieces tbh don’t know what to do with myself as I love him and fact that he said he doesn’t love me is hurtful , he told me before he went in he loved me very much. He often pushes me away over the gambling but he said he’s been encouraged to be honest so maybe this time he means it? He was also very very cruel with some personal stuff he said which has hurt me to the core.
    Dreading Xmas , can’t stop crying
    Neecy

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