Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Hi Im new, desperate and need help

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 71 total)
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  • #3019
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Neecy, If you click rejoin using the helpline link your come back, sorry I had an issue with my audio

    Take Care

    H

    #3020
    monique
    Participant

    Hello again – I hope you got to speak ‘live’ to someone. If not, hang on in there and keep posting and reading on here.
    Maybe your partner is being honest or maybe he is very confused and angry, struggling to come to terms with his addiction. I just want to reiterate the message about concentrating on yourself. I appreciate your love for your partner and that that feels the biggest thing in your life, but I wonder what are the other things in your life that are good for you? Maybe things and/or people you have let slip while you have been pre-occupied with your partner and all the problems around his addiction? Can you try really hard to let him go a little (I don’t mean the whole relationship, just in your mind and in what you are doing at this time) and focus on something/someone that helps you or has helped you in the past? When you can strengthen yourself quite separately from the addiction, you will have greater capacity to cope with what it (and your partner) throw at you. He is being cared for in rehab. You need to be cared for in the ways that are good for you – and the person to get that going is you.
    Best wishes,

    Monique

    #3021
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi Monique
    Yes I understand what you mean. I have spoken to friends I haven’t seen for while and arranged to meet up. I have spent time with my daughter, made time to go to church and have few shopping trips planned. I feel calmer after talking to Harry and some people on the community group. They all said similar to you to focus on me and also that the way he’s reacted is common in CG s who go into gh . Harry suggested I speak to his support worker and I’m going to. I wasn’t going to ring or contact them in any way as he was angry when I rang to enquire how he was, even though I only rang once. But I think I need to tell them about the letter and how I feel. I also want my CG to know I now realise and understand his need to do this alone and I understand I need to do this alone too. Thanks for all your support so far Monique I cannot believe the support on here I only wish I had this months ago.
    Best wishes
    Neecy

    #3022
    san250
    Participant

    Hold on in there! I hope you are feeling a little better now and can feel the support you have here 🙂 I always believe that everything in life happens for a reason even the ‘not so good’ bits. Sometimes we can’t see at the time why such thing would happen but further down the line the reason becomes very obvious.
    My cg is my son and he has not been to rehab, so I cannot offer you any insight into that bit. The only think I would say is to be in rehab a ‘crossroads’ would have been reached and I think it’s great he is being encouraged to be truthful. The letter sounds, to me, like the addiction having a last ‘poke’ at you but of course to assume is very dangerous. Change is very often very scary, especially if you are not expecting it, however, change is also very good. Would you like the same man to emerge from Rehab? or a much improved version, who can be truthful to you? Use the time apart to rebuild for yourself, to get strong and have some fun. One day at a time, you are in the best place and we are all here for you. Sending you a cyber ((HUG)). Best wishes San x

    #3023
    jenny46
    Participant

    Dear Neecy

    My partner went through GH (twice) the second time was when we were together and I had accrued a little insight by then. I can only say to you that we had contact all the way through and I wish we had not – with the benefit of hindsight ! It serves as nothing more than a distraction to what he is there to do and what you are here to do.
    He cannot deal with his self and his emotions, that is why he is there, he can’t cope with him so how is he supposed to cope with you and your emotions and while you are worrying about him and what the future may hold for you both, then you are not looking after you.

    As you have found out, the fact that he is in rehab does not mean that you are protected from recieving ‘the blame’ the nastiness and are now immune to manipulation. Far from it. If he could not give you the brunt of it he may have to be talking to people who will handle these types of feelings in the way they should be handled. In my experience of GH they do not allow people to dump the responsibility of their own lives at the doors of someone else. Without the avenue of contact with you he will at some stage have to look at himself. If anything contact is a hinderance in many ways to recovery.

    Who knows whether he meant what he said or not. I would imagine he doesn’t know as yet what he wants and if he does then that could change several times over, depending on what he’s doing and where he’s at. Change is a lot of things but one thing is certain – it is unpredictable.

    Rehab is no cure it is hopefully a beginning of the next chapter in his life and in yours whether it be separate or together. It is a time for you as well as for him and in order for this time to be productive do you really want to be sitting there thinking.
    What’s he talking about today
    Should I ring should I not
    why hasn’t he rang me – he doesn’t care
    How many egg shells shall i run about on today !!

    Now I think the only thing that I would want to know if this time happened to me again would be – Is he still there ?

    He cared enough to make that leap Denise, hopefully he has put his life in the hands of the staff at GH and I can think of no better place for him to be right now. Let them do their job, let him deal with him.
    Now you !! This is your time to think about you and your future you have found this forum and I hope you make full use of it for as long as you feel you need to.
    Here is the place to let off steam, push things, thoughts feelings and ideas around just as he will be doing or just scream when all else seems to be descending around your ear holes – I have many times and I am still standing !!

    Jenny x

    #3024
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Neecy

    As promised – some points that I hope will help you understand a bit more. I want to go and relax so I am sorry this is cobbled together from posts I have written many times but hopefully the message will be clear.

    Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us manage.

    Imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it will stay quiet, although it never sleeps.

    Your partner is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak (or text) the addiction distorts your words and your partner cannot comprehend your meaning. Imagine his head is full of water – he can hear you speak but it is as though through water – it doesn’t make sense.

    My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy. While I was saying what made sense to me, his addiction was distorting my words, convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction is all about failure for the CG which has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your partner convinces you that he is in control – he is not.

    The addiction to gamble means that the CG will only know failure but when you try and tell your partner such things though he will not understand. Gordon House has specialists who can open his eyes if he wants them opened. They cannot stop him gambling anymore than you can but they do have the knowledge to show him how to change and how to control his addiction..

    I don’t know why my CG is a compulsive gambler – I don’t know why I am not. What I do know is what it took him to change his life and how it was important that I changed too.

    In answer to your question I don’t think you will get him to understand you until he is ready and there is no crystal ball to say what the outcome will be. We believe that understanding ‘us’ is the answer but it isn’t. One of the strangest things I had to learn from this addiction was the importance of my CG trusting me – I always thought it had to be about me trusting him. My old behavior would never have given us a steady base on which to build our relationship – I had to change too. Keep learning, keep asking questions and most importantly keep looking after yourself.

    Must away

    Speak soon

    V

    #3025
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi all,
    Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
    I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
    Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
    Sorry for being such a misery.
    Neecy

    #3026
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi all,
    Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
    I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
    Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
    Sorry for being such a misery.
    Neecy

    #3027
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi all,
    Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
    I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
    Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
    Sorry for being such a misery.
    Neecy

    #3028
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi all,
    Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
    I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
    Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
    Sorry for being such a misery.
    Neecy

    #3029
    san250
    Participant

    We are here for you. Sending you a massive ((HUG)). We can feel your pain and distress. I take it your last day at work has now finished? If so, it’s gone, if not, it will be soon :). On really tough days, my motto of one day at a time becomes one hour at a time and even one minute at a time.

    Christmas is such a tough time for a lot of people but it really is just one day (24 hours). This time last year I was full of chemotherapy drugs with horrendous side effects, which meant I couldn’t eat, talk or drink. I was full of morphine to deal with the pain. Christmas was the last thing on my mind. So this year it’s all change and very different, I am going to make sure it is a different Christmas because I am so grateful to be here and be able to share it with my family. So this Christmas may be painful for you but next year it could be so so different. Break those hours down, live for today, rejoice in being here and know that breakthroughs normally follow breakdowns :). Do you have someone ‘physical’ you can talk too? Maybe some therapy would be good for you too? Just a suggestion.

    In a few weeks/months time, you will reread these threads and realise just how far you have come.

    Thinking of you. San x

    #3030
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Neecy
    I know it is easier for me to say that you will find the strength than it is for you to do it.

    You don’t mention the posts that are on your thread so I don’t know what your thoughts are on what people say. It does help if we get a feed back.

    Christmas bring out so many emotions – memories stream back, some good, some bad.

    I understand what you mean when you say you are a bit humbled by the experience of finding yourself in the middle of a world with a gambling addiction. You probably feel you are living in a parallel universe at the moment. The addiction feels all powerful but it isn’t as can be testified by so many.

    I hope Neecy that you will come out of this experience stronger. You have had more than your fair share of tragedy over the past few years and maybe you have not had the chance to build your strength up. I firmly believe you can come out of this stronger because I have had the pleasure of seeing so many do so. Spending time in this forum I hope will allow you to realise how important you are.

    Your partner has a terrible addiction and maybe you were drawn to him in the belief you could save him and I hope it does not distress you that it was not meant to be. There are far too many who have passed through this forum, intelligent, lively, bright, happy people who have been brought low by this addiction but who because of their own self-belief had felt they could save their CG and found they could not. There is no shame I promise you.

    I would be doing you a disservice if I said that your outcome with your partner will definitely be the one that you want but what I can say is that ‘you’ have in you the power and ability to control your life and to more on from this experience a stronger person.

    You are not weak. You are a mother and a teacher and those who love you need you to be in control. The addiction makes you feel weak but it is not ‘your’ addiction, you can refuse it, – it is your CG who has the battle so let him get on with his fight and you look after you.

    What is said in the group stays in the group so I hope to see you again soon with that safe-guard but I do ask if you have had bereavement counselling or any one-to-one counselling for yourself? It seems to me you have a real need to talk, preferably face-to-face about things that this site does not cover. I think, in life, there are times when we need someone just to listen to us and hopefully push a few positive thoughts our way but other times we need a little more practical help. Your world has been wobbly for a time, even before the addiction entered it.

    From all you have said I think you should use this time to look after yourself, to talk to your daughters and your friends about anything other than gambling. The world is a wonderful place but it can look very scary when we are not in control.

    When you reply – please just write in the comment box and then click ‘save’ in the box below – it makes it easier to find your latest message by keeping it in date order.

    You are doing well Neecy – you are talking and you are listening. Healing from ‘all’ that you have been through takes time – it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life.

    Velvet

    #3031
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi San
    Thanks for the hug even if it was just a cyber one it meant a lot. I’m so glad this will be a much better Xmas for you, I felt terrible for moaning after hearing about ur last Xmas. My brother and husband both went through chemo and I know how dreadful an experience it is but you are living proof there is life after it, so well done you.
    I’m so grateful for the support I am getting here. I know I have to look after myself but it would be easier if I thought I still had his love to look forward to. The thought he doesn’t love me kills me, especially as he said he did just few weeks ago, and in such endearing and loving ways. My head is shot with all the thinking, and bitter sweet memories crowd my mind. Trying best to push them away but not winning many battles at the minute.
    Most of my friends don’t understand why I’m still with him, in my own brain sometimes I don’t either, but it’s my heart won’t let me give up on him.
    I’m trying best to keep going and as you said just focusing on that day . Being with my kids is helping and speaking to you guys definitely helps.
    Velvet , Harry and Monique, as well as yourself have been fab. As for my friends , while lovely, they judge and that doesn’t help. I do have a friend who’s a trained counsellor and therapist and he sees me for free every few weeks, I have a session in an hour and talking, and crying to him will help, it always does.
    All I can do I guess is keep on the path and try to walk it best I can and hope maybe his and my path can cross again. If not I’ll face that when I have to. I’ll put my faith in the higher spirit I believe in to help me through.
    Thank you all for taking the time out of your day. You ll never know how much it means to feel I have friends on MY side
    Love Neecy xxxx

    #3032
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Neecy
    Friends judge because they don’t understand but they are invaluable for support and they mean well for you.
    I really hope you make it into the group tomorrow evening (Thursday), it is so good to talk in real time. If you have connection issues keep trying – I can see you popping in and out and it is frustrating.
    Never feel terrible or apologise for anything you say in the group or on the forum. We are all here for the same reason and it is understood that we all care for one another and mean well so no offence should ever be taken.
    What happened last Christmas or last week is in the past – today is all that matters on this forum. Today I want you to do something for yourself and then pop into the group and tell me what you have done. In cyber space we can have a glass of cyber wine or a cup of cyber tea while we share our thoughts in real time – I look forward to ‘seeing’ you.
    Velvet

    #3033
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi Velvet
    Thanks your words always help and make sense. Yes I was in and out yesterday I really needed to talk. Had counseling session in evening which helped. Wanted to discuss it in group but for some reason had convinced myself it was thurs and waited two hours for the nine I clock only to realise it was wed I was gutted. Had bad evening and sleep was a blessed release from my feelings.
    Am ok when busy but got too much time to think. Having counseling today from GH am hoping it will help me feel more positive. I know I have to focus on me but I miss his love so much
    Neecy x

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