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    • #3004
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Im new here. My partner is currently having treatment at Gordon Moody and theyve advised him no contact with outside, Although I realise this has been done in his best interest it didnt happen immediately and he didnt do it gently. Ive been left feeling like a bad partner and incredibly upset and alone. None of my friends understand why I stand by him but I love him and want so much for him to get help, and the normal life and peace he wants! And I want- help !!!!! Neecy

    • #3005
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      <

      Hello

      Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

      Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

      If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

      You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

      situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

      We look forward to hearing all about you!

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #3006
      monique
      Participant

      Hi Neecy. I am glad you have come here and I hope you will find useful information and the support you need, practical and emotional.
      It is very difficult when you are separated from the one you love and do not fully understand what is going on.
      You haven’t written a lot yet, but I am sure you will find people here who have been through the kind of thing you are now experiencing.
      When we love someone who is a compulsive gambler, we often become very involved and focus entirely on their life and their needs. We can overlook our own personal life and needs – we may think that all we need is for the loved one to stop gambling and get his life sorted out and then we will be fine. But here, we learn that each partner needs to learn about his/her individual needs and make their own journey of ‘recovery’. This is one of the reasons that the rehabilitation programme may want your husband to face things apart from you and truly start his own journey for his own reasons – it is not to make things difficult but to better facilitate his recovery.

      I would encourage you to use the time apart to think about you and the things you need on a personal level and to really cherish yourself in ways that make you feel better and stronger. Your husband will be cared for and you can perhaps take a breather from all your worries about him.
      I don’t know if this makes sense just now, but stick with it, read other people’s stories and take care of yourself. Write more about yourself and your questions and arm yourself with relevant information. We would love to get to know you better and therefore be able to offer you the right help.
      Very best wishes,

      Monique

    • #3007
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Monique
      Thank you for the warm welcome. As you suggest I will tell you a little of my story andhow I come to be here.
      My partner is not my husband, we do not even live together in fact I live in Wales he lives in England but we have been a couple over 18 months.
      Initially I did not know about his gambling. He told me he had a problem with alcohol, although when we met he wasnt drinking. It was mnths later, long after I had fallen in love with him that he had written me a letter and handed it to me telling me about his gambling. Even then I was oblivious at to the awful extent of it, and of the dark despair he often found himself in.
      Months later he decided to move to Wales and rent a house near me. For about 6 months it worked and he didnt gamble but to try to earn a livin he was travelling back home every weekend for hi business. Thats when the problems started and he moved back to go back into GA meetings as in Wales there is only one a week , whereas there it was every day.
      Then the gambling really took hold with avengeance again. Our relationship was off more than it was on as he struggled with the guilt of lying to me. When hes guilty he pushes me away as he knows hes letting me down. Then he uses drink to curb the gambling and it becomes a viscious circle.
      My kids turned against him because of the drinking and the way he was upsetting me when he constantly pushed me away and pulled me back to him. Im an intelligent woman with a degree but with him Im putty. Ive seen the awful dark, depths he plummets too , hes gambled since he was 9 years old, and hes desperate to stop. Hes a lovely, clever, kind, sweet man when hes not gambling who’d do anything for anyone.
      Im desperately unhappy. I want so much for all this madness to stop. I want what we had those first few months he came to Wales. I dont know where to turn. Ive worried about him and looked out for him, organised and sorted him, even though these last months from afar. Ive seen me jumping on the train because hes in such a state and not getting there till 10 pm at night. And id do it all again tomorrow? How do I survive this time with no contact? How do I get myself back when all I can think of is him and his problems?
      Neecy

    • #3008
      velvet
      Moderator

      I will reply to you later Neecy. I am sorry you had connection problems.

      You are doing well with your posts.

      There is another group in the morning – I hope we can connect and communicate in real time – there is lots to say. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.

    • #3009
      monique
      Participant

      Hi Neecy
      It’s good to hear more from you. I am sorry I used the word ‘husband’, as it was not correct – I hope this did not offend. I can see that you are deeply concerned about your partner.

      I imagine from seeing Velvet’s posts that you have been trying to use the live group session – I think you will benefit greatly from that, so I hope you will not have any technical problems next time. Velvet has a wealth of experience and great ability to help people with your kind of questions.

      I can see how much you give of yourself to try to help your partner change his life. Again, I want to gently suggest that you also take some time to think of yourself and maybe choose one thing to help you cherish yourself and, for a moment, put all the gambler’s problems aside. Looking after you can become the best way, ultimately, of standing against this horrible addiction. That may not yet make sense, but stick with us! Everyone here will want to see you blossom and be joyful again. We do not know what your future is going to be like in any detail, of course, but we want you to be well and content.
      Very best wishes again,

      Monique

    • #3010
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy
      How your words resonate – ‘he didn’t do it gently’, ‘it didn’t happen immediately’ and you feel like the bad partner, upset and alone. Your partner is now in a place of safety and support with a chance to turn his life around but you are bewildered by events and need support. That support is here for as long as you need it.

      Nobody knows when a CG (compulsive gambler) enters a true recovery and that includes the CG so it is common for those entering rehab that they do not do it quietly. It is the scariest thing your partner will ever do and his addiction would have been screaming in his head that ‘it’ could save him and he didn’t need to do anything so drastic.

      Compulsive gambling is totally selfish and selfishness is necessary for the CG to control their addiction. The battle your partner will fight in rehab is for ‘his’ life and the time he is away is a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of his life so he needs to take every precious moment and use it for himself. Gordon House will give him the tools to control his addiction for life if he chooses to take them and you looking after you is the most important thing you can do for him.

      There is no judgement on this site. I understand why you jumped on the train believing you were supporting your partner when he was in a state but in rehab he will be learning that he has to take responsibility for his own life and not expect you to ‘sort him out. It is important that you are the rock and not the putty. Putty is malleable and the addiction to gamble is the master of manipulation.

      If you give all your time to thinking about your partner and his problems then you are not looking after the most important person and that is you.

      Don’t turn anywhere else, you are doing fine. Fill your time with things that feel good for you, let your children see that you are strong and coping or they will blame your partner.

      My CG went through the Gordon House programme and is living happily in control of his addiction. It isn’t easy learning how to support a CG but I believe it is nothing compared to the battle that a CG has to fight.

      You have done well starting your thread. Your partner has done well to go into Gordon House. Keep posting. Knowledge of this addiction will give you power over it.

      I hope we get to speak in real time soon.

      Velvet

    • #3011
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Velvet
      Thank you for your words of comfort, and support, they helped a lot. I’m finding it really hard and I’m so emotional. I’m totally scared that when he finishes the rehab he won’t want me anymore. Been scared to say it but now I have. That’s selfish isn’t it when I want so much for him to be free of this nightmare life.
      Neecy

    • #3012
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy

      The Christmas post was never written with the intent to make anybody feel bad.

      There is a lot of things that I have learned over the years and I learned the hard way. Don’t feel bad. How could you or anybody possibly know what this addiction was capable of doing without knowledge.

      I hope you are able to access groups soon.

      Velvet

    • #3013
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy

      I will certainly be there to welcome you into the F&F group tonight and my CG has been through the Gordon House programme.

      Try and keep to just one thread. if you have more than one running then posts will get lost and we want to support you.

      Velvet

    • #3014
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy

      The addiction to gamble takes confidence and self-esteem away from the person who loves the CG. Without realising what they are doing F&F gradually give up their hobbies, their social life, interest in their appearance, their diet, everything is sacrificed in the determination to make the CG realise what a wonderful world it is without compulsive gambling. 24 hours a day is given over to the addiction of another which means there is no time to think about self.

      The end result is that the F&F personality gets lost and given enough time they can end up pathetic blobs – I know because I was one.

      While your partner is in GH he will be working on himself – he will struggle for quite a few weeks and possibly blame you for the fact he is there. If he dedicates himself to the programme he will learn that the responsibility for his behaviour, for his addiction and for his life is down to him – that he is the only person who can change his life. He will be given the tools to make that change, to live in control of his addiction and to take responsibility for himself .

      When the leaves GH he will be as a new bud that has yet to blossom – the blossoming will cover his life-time.

      Those who wait for the CG can carry on as they always have, believing that all the change is down to the CG, so that when he comes home they are the same – or they can work on themselves, have a make-over, see friends, go to the theatre and in so doing build their self-confidence and self-esteem.

      The CG does not deliberately destroy the self-esteem and confidence of the person who loves them most and so for me the way to deal with the time, when the CG is away, is the way tht builds self-esteem. Your partner will need a rock when he comes home and that is someone who is confident that they are important.

      I unwittingly lived with and enabled the addiction to gamble for 25 years and it took me to a place I will never go to again. I have ‘chosen’ to learn about the addiction and I have learned to like myself enough to never live with the addiction again. I like me enough to look after myself and that is the person that my CG was surprised to meet when he left GH.

      I hope this makes sense.

      I would call GH once a week about 10am on a Tuesday when the staff had time to arrive and get settled. I would ask if my CG was ok and they would reply that they had seen him and he was smiling, or he was washing up or something like that. They didn’t volunteer more because his battle with his addiction was his to have alone – it had nothing to do with me. It was enough for me that he was still there. I didn’t speak to him for 6 months.

      I can offer you no greater support Denise than to suggest you look after yourself, that you do things each day that give you pleasure, that you talk to others and grow in yourself. You are important even if you don’t realise it. You are too important to waste your time rushing to the side of a man who is in a state because of ‘his’ poor behaviour. The awful depths he plummeted to where as a result of his behaviour, not yours. He is learning to cope with his behaviour and the best thing you can do is appreciate his effort and match it by putting you first.

      The first few months that you want back when he first came to Wales will not be the most wonderful months for your partner. His addiction was in control of him then. Imagine how much happier he will be if he turns his life around and takes control of that addiction.

      I hope I am making sense. I hope you will come right back at me if there anything you disagree with or you struggle with. I really do understand how hard it is and I am sorry our session ended as it did.

      You are so important to what happens when he leave GH. We have different versions of the Serenity prayer on the site. My favourite is:-

      God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
      Courage to change the thing that I can
      And Wisdom to know it is me.
      Speak soon

      Velvet

    • #3015
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Velvet I’m going to try to get on at three today. I had hideous weekend I had a Dear John letter from my CG on Friday that was so cruel . He said he’s been encouraged in GH to be honest and he’s told me he doesn’t love me and that our relationship has been over a while and he’s been with me out of guilt. Then some very very cruel personal stuff as well as hinting that all he’s lost his home possessions etc is down to me. I’m devastated. All I’ve done is help him , even him being there is down to my efforts. I’m at a total loss and so hurt by his callous words and cruelty, yet I love him still. I even tempered my reply not to jeopardize his treatment. Don’t think I’m setting myself up as a saint, I’m far from it. But I didn’t deserve thisxxxxx

    • #3016
      monique
      Participant

      It sounds like you have had some horrible things to cope with. I do hope you get to Velvet’s group, where I am sure you will find the right support in this. I think you are doing really well to ‘temper’ your reply. You can obviously discuss your contact in more detail in the group, but I am just wondering if you need to write much at all right now? It looks like you partner is off-loading a lot of his stuff, which he feels the need to do, but it may be best to put it aside and concentrate on nurturing yourself. I am sure Velvet will have useful ideas on this to discuss with you. The addiction can be very cruel, as you are finding, and also so irrational and manipulative.
      Best wishes,

      Monique

    • #3017
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Velvet only runs 3 groups a week

      Every week, on Tuesday, from 20:00 to 21:00
      Every week, on Wednesday, from 11:00 to 12:00
      Every week, on Thursday, from 21:00 to 22:00

      But we run lots of other groups, please if you log in at 1500 come and see me in the Community group

      Take Care

      Harry

    • #3018
      Neecy
      Participant

      Thanks Harry I logged on at three it was showing you there but I didn’t get reply to my posts? Then it logged me out and as it had gone 3:15 couldn’t get back in

      Monique thanks for your words and advice. I’m in pieces tbh don’t know what to do with myself as I love him and fact that he said he doesn’t love me is hurtful , he told me before he went in he loved me very much. He often pushes me away over the gambling but he said he’s been encouraged to be honest so maybe this time he means it? He was also very very cruel with some personal stuff he said which has hurt me to the core.
      Dreading Xmas , can’t stop crying
      Neecy

    • #3019
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hi Neecy, If you click rejoin using the helpline link your come back, sorry I had an issue with my audio

      Take Care

      H

    • #3020
      monique
      Participant

      Hello again – I hope you got to speak ‘live’ to someone. If not, hang on in there and keep posting and reading on here.
      Maybe your partner is being honest or maybe he is very confused and angry, struggling to come to terms with his addiction. I just want to reiterate the message about concentrating on yourself. I appreciate your love for your partner and that that feels the biggest thing in your life, but I wonder what are the other things in your life that are good for you? Maybe things and/or people you have let slip while you have been pre-occupied with your partner and all the problems around his addiction? Can you try really hard to let him go a little (I don’t mean the whole relationship, just in your mind and in what you are doing at this time) and focus on something/someone that helps you or has helped you in the past? When you can strengthen yourself quite separately from the addiction, you will have greater capacity to cope with what it (and your partner) throw at you. He is being cared for in rehab. You need to be cared for in the ways that are good for you – and the person to get that going is you.
      Best wishes,

      Monique

    • #3021
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Monique
      Yes I understand what you mean. I have spoken to friends I haven’t seen for while and arranged to meet up. I have spent time with my daughter, made time to go to church and have few shopping trips planned. I feel calmer after talking to Harry and some people on the community group. They all said similar to you to focus on me and also that the way he’s reacted is common in CG s who go into gh . Harry suggested I speak to his support worker and I’m going to. I wasn’t going to ring or contact them in any way as he was angry when I rang to enquire how he was, even though I only rang once. But I think I need to tell them about the letter and how I feel. I also want my CG to know I now realise and understand his need to do this alone and I understand I need to do this alone too. Thanks for all your support so far Monique I cannot believe the support on here I only wish I had this months ago.
      Best wishes
      Neecy

    • #3022
      san250
      Participant

      Hold on in there! I hope you are feeling a little better now and can feel the support you have here 🙂 I always believe that everything in life happens for a reason even the ‘not so good’ bits. Sometimes we can’t see at the time why such thing would happen but further down the line the reason becomes very obvious.
      My cg is my son and he has not been to rehab, so I cannot offer you any insight into that bit. The only think I would say is to be in rehab a ‘crossroads’ would have been reached and I think it’s great he is being encouraged to be truthful. The letter sounds, to me, like the addiction having a last ‘poke’ at you but of course to assume is very dangerous. Change is very often very scary, especially if you are not expecting it, however, change is also very good. Would you like the same man to emerge from Rehab? or a much improved version, who can be truthful to you? Use the time apart to rebuild for yourself, to get strong and have some fun. One day at a time, you are in the best place and we are all here for you. Sending you a cyber ((HUG)). Best wishes San x

    • #3023
      jenny46
      Participant

      Dear Neecy

      My partner went through GH (twice) the second time was when we were together and I had accrued a little insight by then. I can only say to you that we had contact all the way through and I wish we had not – with the benefit of hindsight ! It serves as nothing more than a distraction to what he is there to do and what you are here to do.
      He cannot deal with his self and his emotions, that is why he is there, he can’t cope with him so how is he supposed to cope with you and your emotions and while you are worrying about him and what the future may hold for you both, then you are not looking after you.

      As you have found out, the fact that he is in rehab does not mean that you are protected from recieving ‘the blame’ the nastiness and are now immune to manipulation. Far from it. If he could not give you the brunt of it he may have to be talking to people who will handle these types of feelings in the way they should be handled. In my experience of GH they do not allow people to dump the responsibility of their own lives at the doors of someone else. Without the avenue of contact with you he will at some stage have to look at himself. If anything contact is a hinderance in many ways to recovery.

      Who knows whether he meant what he said or not. I would imagine he doesn’t know as yet what he wants and if he does then that could change several times over, depending on what he’s doing and where he’s at. Change is a lot of things but one thing is certain – it is unpredictable.

      Rehab is no cure it is hopefully a beginning of the next chapter in his life and in yours whether it be separate or together. It is a time for you as well as for him and in order for this time to be productive do you really want to be sitting there thinking.
      What’s he talking about today
      Should I ring should I not
      why hasn’t he rang me – he doesn’t care
      How many egg shells shall i run about on today !!

      Now I think the only thing that I would want to know if this time happened to me again would be – Is he still there ?

      He cared enough to make that leap Denise, hopefully he has put his life in the hands of the staff at GH and I can think of no better place for him to be right now. Let them do their job, let him deal with him.
      Now you !! This is your time to think about you and your future you have found this forum and I hope you make full use of it for as long as you feel you need to.
      Here is the place to let off steam, push things, thoughts feelings and ideas around just as he will be doing or just scream when all else seems to be descending around your ear holes – I have many times and I am still standing !!

      Jenny x

    • #3024
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy

      As promised – some points that I hope will help you understand a bit more. I want to go and relax so I am sorry this is cobbled together from posts I have written many times but hopefully the message will be clear.

      Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us manage.

      Imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it will stay quiet, although it never sleeps.

      Your partner is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak (or text) the addiction distorts your words and your partner cannot comprehend your meaning. Imagine his head is full of water – he can hear you speak but it is as though through water – it doesn’t make sense.

      My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy. While I was saying what made sense to me, his addiction was distorting my words, convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction is all about failure for the CG which has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your partner convinces you that he is in control – he is not.

      The addiction to gamble means that the CG will only know failure but when you try and tell your partner such things though he will not understand. Gordon House has specialists who can open his eyes if he wants them opened. They cannot stop him gambling anymore than you can but they do have the knowledge to show him how to change and how to control his addiction..

      I don’t know why my CG is a compulsive gambler – I don’t know why I am not. What I do know is what it took him to change his life and how it was important that I changed too.

      In answer to your question I don’t think you will get him to understand you until he is ready and there is no crystal ball to say what the outcome will be. We believe that understanding ‘us’ is the answer but it isn’t. One of the strangest things I had to learn from this addiction was the importance of my CG trusting me – I always thought it had to be about me trusting him. My old behavior would never have given us a steady base on which to build our relationship – I had to change too. Keep learning, keep asking questions and most importantly keep looking after yourself.

      Must away

      Speak soon

      V

    • #3025
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi all,
      Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
      I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
      Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
      Sorry for being such a misery.
      Neecy

    • #3026
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi all,
      Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
      I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
      Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
      Sorry for being such a misery.
      Neecy

    • #3027
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi all,
      Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
      I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
      Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
      Sorry for being such a misery.
      Neecy

    • #3028
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi all,
      Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
      I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
      Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
      Sorry for being such a misery.
      Neecy

    • #3029
      san250
      Participant

      We are here for you. Sending you a massive ((HUG)). We can feel your pain and distress. I take it your last day at work has now finished? If so, it’s gone, if not, it will be soon :). On really tough days, my motto of one day at a time becomes one hour at a time and even one minute at a time.

      Christmas is such a tough time for a lot of people but it really is just one day (24 hours). This time last year I was full of chemotherapy drugs with horrendous side effects, which meant I couldn’t eat, talk or drink. I was full of morphine to deal with the pain. Christmas was the last thing on my mind. So this year it’s all change and very different, I am going to make sure it is a different Christmas because I am so grateful to be here and be able to share it with my family. So this Christmas may be painful for you but next year it could be so so different. Break those hours down, live for today, rejoice in being here and know that breakthroughs normally follow breakdowns :). Do you have someone ‘physical’ you can talk too? Maybe some therapy would be good for you too? Just a suggestion.

      In a few weeks/months time, you will reread these threads and realise just how far you have come.

      Thinking of you. San x

    • #3030
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy
      I know it is easier for me to say that you will find the strength than it is for you to do it.

      You don’t mention the posts that are on your thread so I don’t know what your thoughts are on what people say. It does help if we get a feed back.

      Christmas bring out so many emotions – memories stream back, some good, some bad.

      I understand what you mean when you say you are a bit humbled by the experience of finding yourself in the middle of a world with a gambling addiction. You probably feel you are living in a parallel universe at the moment. The addiction feels all powerful but it isn’t as can be testified by so many.

      I hope Neecy that you will come out of this experience stronger. You have had more than your fair share of tragedy over the past few years and maybe you have not had the chance to build your strength up. I firmly believe you can come out of this stronger because I have had the pleasure of seeing so many do so. Spending time in this forum I hope will allow you to realise how important you are.

      Your partner has a terrible addiction and maybe you were drawn to him in the belief you could save him and I hope it does not distress you that it was not meant to be. There are far too many who have passed through this forum, intelligent, lively, bright, happy people who have been brought low by this addiction but who because of their own self-belief had felt they could save their CG and found they could not. There is no shame I promise you.

      I would be doing you a disservice if I said that your outcome with your partner will definitely be the one that you want but what I can say is that ‘you’ have in you the power and ability to control your life and to more on from this experience a stronger person.

      You are not weak. You are a mother and a teacher and those who love you need you to be in control. The addiction makes you feel weak but it is not ‘your’ addiction, you can refuse it, – it is your CG who has the battle so let him get on with his fight and you look after you.

      What is said in the group stays in the group so I hope to see you again soon with that safe-guard but I do ask if you have had bereavement counselling or any one-to-one counselling for yourself? It seems to me you have a real need to talk, preferably face-to-face about things that this site does not cover. I think, in life, there are times when we need someone just to listen to us and hopefully push a few positive thoughts our way but other times we need a little more practical help. Your world has been wobbly for a time, even before the addiction entered it.

      From all you have said I think you should use this time to look after yourself, to talk to your daughters and your friends about anything other than gambling. The world is a wonderful place but it can look very scary when we are not in control.

      When you reply – please just write in the comment box and then click ‘save’ in the box below – it makes it easier to find your latest message by keeping it in date order.

      You are doing well Neecy – you are talking and you are listening. Healing from ‘all’ that you have been through takes time – it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life.

      Velvet

    • #3031
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi San
      Thanks for the hug even if it was just a cyber one it meant a lot. I’m so glad this will be a much better Xmas for you, I felt terrible for moaning after hearing about ur last Xmas. My brother and husband both went through chemo and I know how dreadful an experience it is but you are living proof there is life after it, so well done you.
      I’m so grateful for the support I am getting here. I know I have to look after myself but it would be easier if I thought I still had his love to look forward to. The thought he doesn’t love me kills me, especially as he said he did just few weeks ago, and in such endearing and loving ways. My head is shot with all the thinking, and bitter sweet memories crowd my mind. Trying best to push them away but not winning many battles at the minute.
      Most of my friends don’t understand why I’m still with him, in my own brain sometimes I don’t either, but it’s my heart won’t let me give up on him.
      I’m trying best to keep going and as you said just focusing on that day . Being with my kids is helping and speaking to you guys definitely helps.
      Velvet , Harry and Monique, as well as yourself have been fab. As for my friends , while lovely, they judge and that doesn’t help. I do have a friend who’s a trained counsellor and therapist and he sees me for free every few weeks, I have a session in an hour and talking, and crying to him will help, it always does.
      All I can do I guess is keep on the path and try to walk it best I can and hope maybe his and my path can cross again. If not I’ll face that when I have to. I’ll put my faith in the higher spirit I believe in to help me through.
      Thank you all for taking the time out of your day. You ll never know how much it means to feel I have friends on MY side
      Love Neecy xxxx

    • #3032
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy
      Friends judge because they don’t understand but they are invaluable for support and they mean well for you.
      I really hope you make it into the group tomorrow evening (Thursday), it is so good to talk in real time. If you have connection issues keep trying – I can see you popping in and out and it is frustrating.
      Never feel terrible or apologise for anything you say in the group or on the forum. We are all here for the same reason and it is understood that we all care for one another and mean well so no offence should ever be taken.
      What happened last Christmas or last week is in the past – today is all that matters on this forum. Today I want you to do something for yourself and then pop into the group and tell me what you have done. In cyber space we can have a glass of cyber wine or a cup of cyber tea while we share our thoughts in real time – I look forward to ‘seeing’ you.
      Velvet

    • #3033
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Velvet
      Thanks your words always help and make sense. Yes I was in and out yesterday I really needed to talk. Had counseling session in evening which helped. Wanted to discuss it in group but for some reason had convinced myself it was thurs and waited two hours for the nine I clock only to realise it was wed I was gutted. Had bad evening and sleep was a blessed release from my feelings.
      Am ok when busy but got too much time to think. Having counseling today from GH am hoping it will help me feel more positive. I know I have to focus on me but I miss his love so much
      Neecy x

    • #3034
      san250
      Participant

      Great to hear you got to ‘talk’ to someone face to face :). I am sorry if my words upset you in any way. Sometimes I think the forum are a double edged sword. No-one really knows the full story. Velvet has the advantage of speaking to us in the groups and has a much better view of the whole story.

      I’ve just seen this and thought of you, ‘Have patience and wait for the thing you want most. Don’t chase it. Don’t run after it. If God wants you to have it He will give it to you.’

      Wishing you a good day and know we are thinking of you.

      Best wishes San x

    • #3035
      monique
      Participant

      I have just been catching up with your posts, having been away from the forum a day or 2. I am glad you are getting to talk and share things both in ‘real’ time and space and in this cyber world. And I hope it is supporting you.
      You are learning a lot very fast, whilst coping with all the ‘normal’ pressures as well as those connected with having a cg in your life.
      Sending you my warmest wishes again,

      Monique

    • #3036
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi All
      some success today!
      First for you Velvet you asked me to do something for myself and tell you so I did.
      I went shopping and bought myself some new make up. Ive not been putting it on much but made myself wear it last two days. Was only 13 quid and it felt good. I also bought myself a journal to keep a record of my jpurney. Maybe theres a best seller in me and Id love to give some money to the website.
      Today I canclled his phone. Its on my name and in the last 15 months hes paid the contract about twice and goes over it massively . I cancelled out going calls and interent but left incoming so his kids can contact him if necessary. I felt awful and cried but I did it and was proud of myself.
      Im taking back my self respect. Why should i pay after what he said to me, in fact why should i pay anyhow?
      I know we may never be togteher again but how can he respect me if I dodnt respect myself/ And if we are ever togteher again I will be demanding respect from him, I deserve it. It was a very hard day, I went shopping after work, everyone seemed happy in shops except me but I did it. Was glad to get home and chat in group, is my lifeline at minute.
      Hope to speak to you all over weekend.
      Love Neecy xxx

    • #3037
      jenny46
      Participant

      Its good that you decided to treat yourself to something and sometimes it is a case of forcing yourself to do all the things again like wear make up, small things that have slid since someone else bashed yourself esteem that at one time maybe you did without thinking.

      Particularly well done for cancelling his phone, I was hoping you were going to say you had cancelled the whole lot for a minute for a number of reasons.

      One is it is not your problem how he manages to make contact with his kids and although that sounds a little callous it is not meant to. It is still a form of enablement if you are taking that responsibility for him. Its down to him now to take some responsibility and if he wants to contact people then he will find a way.

      I have to say the notion of people having internet access with all the online gambling stuff available whilst in a gambling rehab is in my oppinion, frankly ridiculous but as I say that is just my oppinion and others may not agree. It can also be used to read F&F as well Neecy if you know what i’m saying to you. You do not want to make yourself more vulnerable than you already are right now I don’t think.

      However I sense a little bit of a spark in you now that so far was unseen in your previous posts. Exactly why should you pay for anything ? Why indeed should you tolerate the way he treated you ?

      Although the addiction does not respect anything except itself and not even its owner then that is no excuse for basic common disrespect, sometimes I think we can put a lot down to the addiction when in actual fact it is basic down right rudeness and shoddy treatment of others. Its good to see that you are recognising that you are worth more than that.

      I hope you keep it up Neecy, as you say you are taking back yourself respect and I for one hope that you do not give it away again to him or anybody else. It is yours to look after in the best way that you can.

      Jenny x

    • #3038
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Jenny
      Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, always appreciated. No internet access just incoming calls. I have to pay the monthly bill but he can’t use phone to ring , text or use internet it’s purely incoming calls. Someone has even suggested it’s my phone and I should ask for the handset. I must admit I am worried he will view this as nastiness and petty but I didn’t do it to hurt him but to reclaim some of my dignity. For once this was about me, not about him. I’m fed up of feeling lower than a snakes belly. I love him but I’m not willing any longer to be controlled by that love for him. I want someone who loves me AND respects me because I am a good, honest , loving woman and I deserve respect.
      Still struggling at times but determined to carry on
      Love Neecy

    • #3039
      monique
      Participant

      Your posts show a real strength and determination. You are rebuilding yourself – it’s great to read about it. Of course you still struggle, but you are finding out so much and moving in the right direction.
      I’m glad you have heard from Jenny – she is writing some fantastic posts and has such experience and wisdom to share.

      Thinking of you.

      Monique

    • #3040
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Monique
      Thanks for your kind comments. Yes I am moving forward with a lot of help from the wonderful, kind people on here, the chat groups, the web team and GMA. I have found it very painful to move forward , but no more painful than staying where I was sitting on my bed crying all day while my CG was moving forward.
      I’m still struggling daily, hourly if I’m totally honest. Xmas is bad time for me anyhow because of my son .Also it was my brothers bday on Saturday, he died six years ago and today is four years since I buried my mother. So all in all a tough time . So I am proud to be getting on with things at all. I’ve made myself put make up on which I haven’t been doing. I’m no longer going out looking like the Wreck of the Hesperus and frightening small children.
      Thoughts of being without him and never seeing him again still crowd my mind but not enough to make me weaken and try to contact him. I have enough self respect to know I can’t make him want me and enough self respect to want him to respect me now even if he doesn’t love me. I know now I won’t die without him, even if it ll be hard to swallow and move on. I’ve acknowledged now I am worth it. And I want any man I’m with to acknowledge that and be proud to say to the world , this is a wonderful woman, she’s mine and I’m proud of her .
      If I don’t speak to you again before, I wish you and your loved ones a peaceful and blessed Christmas.
      Much love
      Neecy xxxx

    • #3041
      monique
      Participant

      Thank you for that message – good to hear from a ‘wonderful woman’. I wish you all the blessings you need at this time right in the midst of its struggles and sadness. Joy that comes through will be real and deep, not just ‘frothy’ and temporary.

      Monique

    • #3042
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Monique
      Thank u again for ur lovely words. I’m afraid I am struggling again today! I had a good day Sunday my daughter took us all out for lunch, and paid. I visited my friend in evening and we helped her daughter pack her kids presents. I had a couple of drinks, not many, and we shared a take away.
      For a few hours I felt better and not engulfed with sadness.
      Yesterday morning I was getting ready to go shopping when my dad rang me. He hasn’t spoken to me since April over stuff my eldest daughter told him that was a gross exaggeration of the truth, something she now admits to. He said as long as I was with my CG he didn’t want to know me. I rang him Father’s Day and he put the phone down on me. I wrote him a long letter which received no answer. I have had to work hard with my counsellor as the rejection was hard to take.
      Eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I’d probably never see him again as he’s 78.
      He rang yesterday and obviously I was glad, he said he realised life is too short and he’d not interfere in my life. Ironic as my CG no longer wants to be in mine. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional floodgate it would open. I had my say, nicely and told him a few home truths but we ended the conversation with a truce. I’m sure we will see each other soon, but not just yet my feelings are too raw just now.
      I feel in back to square one. I cried on and off all day yesterday and I’m really struggling today.
      I know it WILL pass but at the minute I feel overwhelmed.
      I have such nice memories of Xmas day last year when my CG cooked for me and the kids. It was a quiet simple day but full of love and hope .
      Really hope I can get back to where I was Sunday for my youngest s sake most if all.
      Much love
      Neecy xxxx

    • #3043
      velvet
      Moderator

      You can get there Neecy.
      Hope to ‘see’ you tonight
      Velvet

    • #3044
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi V
      Definitely be there
      Neecy x

    • #3045
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy
      I’m sorry you didn’t make the group but I know it is a busy time.
      I was really proud of you when I read you no longer looked like the Wreck of Hesperus – it isn’t the best look is it – wet and broken with barnacles on your bottom!!
      I was wondering if the stuff your daughter told your dad was connected to your CG – I do know that different members of the family do see things from different angles and feel pain in different ways. If it was connected to your CG then your father and daughter are victims of the addiction too. Your father does not appear to have handled the situation, with you, in the best way but the addiction to gamble is divisive in families and he should maybe be forgiven for trying to sort out a situation he couldn’t understand that was hurting his daughter.
      Fathers want to protect and when the addiction is in a home and hurting the child, many fathers make the wrong decision for the right reason. I am glad that he has made contact with you – you do need support. If I am thinking the right way then your father was rejecting your CG’s addiction, not you.
      I am glad to read what you say about self-respect. Most of us lose our self-respect over time when the addiction envelops us so hang on to that which you have and build on it. You are right, you won’t die without him but with an active addiction you can certainly feel you have died a thousand of deaths.
      I can hear a wonderful woman and I am proud to have met her. You have had far more than your fair share of problems. You will have ups and downs but the downs do decrease as the ups increase. You have created quite a strong journal now for you to turn to when you are feeling less positive – remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
      I hope that your Christmas Day is peaceful and I hope that at 10am you will join me in cyber space to say the Serenity Prayer. I will be back on Boxing Day and maybe we can ‘meet’ up then. I want to hear about things that you have been doing for yourself.
      Get that make up on tomorrow and look amazing. Well done.
      Velvet

    • #3046
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi Velvet
      Tried to get on for twenty mins and couldn’t, later I realised phone connection for internet was unplugged. I slept most of Xmas Eve I really am struggling and crying a lot again. I miss him so much V and keep thinking back to last Xmas, everyone seems so happy , while I feel so sad and lonely even though I have my girls and they’ve been great.
      With my dad it was sort of connected to my CG , my girls felt I was neglecting them but it was grossly exaggerated and my dad wouldn’t discuss it, he’s a difficult man there’s no compromise with him ever. He stopped talking to my brother during my brothers chemotherapy for a brain tumor and only made up when I had to tell him my brother didn’t have long to live.
      I love him dearly but tbh my step mum has always come first and it was my mother who was always my main source of support in tough times.
      I really thought I had a lid on it but don’t really have any family to turn to. My best support is a lady who runs my church, speitualist, she’s old enough to be my mum and is always there for me. My girls love her too and we are going over there this evening. She is funny and daft and takes my mind off things.
      I will def be on at 10 am I missed talking last night so much.
      Merry Christmas
      Love Neecy xxx

    • #3047
      san250
      Participant

      Wishing you a Happy Christmas Neecy. Have fun with your girls and the ‘funny’ lady tonight. Sending you a cyber ((HUG)).

      Very best wishes San x

    • #3048
      Neecy
      Participant

      Thanks San
      Ill try my very best. Its 10 am and kids still in bed, tried online as when V said about joining her i though she meant literally so instead Im hearing asking God to hear my words of the Serenity Prayer and help me this day to practise them.
      Thank you all for caring so much, am hurting so much because it feels like he doesnt even care Im hurting at minute let alone have any love for me and thtas hard to take.
      Im going to get my girls up and give them their presents. I know theyve spent far too much on me to try to make me happy but what I want isnt bought by money.
      God bless you all my friends, hope to speak to you all in realtime soon
      Neecy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #3049
      Neecy
      Participant

      hI v
      WHEN ARE YOU ONLINE TOMORROW?
      lOVE nEECY XXXXXXX

    • #3050
      monique
      Participant

      Hi Neecy.

      Thinking of you as you move through this day. I wish for you that you will know peace and contentment moment by moment, in spite of all the contradictory feelings that are swirling around for you and within you.
      You will remain in my thoughts and in the thoughts of others here who care for your well-being, even though we only ‘meet’ in the cyber world.
      Monique

    • #3051
      vera
      Participant

      Just to let you know , I’m thinking of you right now Neecy!
      I said a special prayer for you before the Christmas crib this morning after Mass!
      All A OK here in Ireland! Bright, sunny day Christmas day. I’m sure all the Bookies and casinos are closed today…just a passing thought!
      Got a base guitar for my son (not the expensive one he was wishing for) himself and his brother are doing a bass/piano duet as I write. I love live music.

    • #3052
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi all
      Just wondered if anyone will be online today, could really do with a chat xx
      Love Neecy xxx

    • #3053
      velvet
      Moderator

      I am on line tonight at 9pm Neecy

      Velvet

    • #3054
      jenny46
      Participant

      Neecy

      Thank you for your comment on my thread. We are all at different stages in our recovery and everyone here has picked me off the ground more than once when it seemed like an impossibility at times. I do not see myself as being out of the woods, rather more like at a different stage.

      The bar at Christmas is set so high that if we buy into all of the hype around it then disappointment is bound to set in, if we put all that into a melting pot with the impact of the addiction to gamble on our lives along with a relaitionship break up then it is little wonder that we can come down so low and perfectly understandable.

      I see you have taken some steps to do some nice things for you with I hasten to add, people that will not abuse you and will treat you as you should be treated.

      Distance from this addiction will allow you to see what the impact has really been. Possibly like me you too became so focused on the happiness of another and the recovery of another that your eye has been ‘off the ball’ in other departments, one of mine was my children, another was my job, another was myself. These were the things that were within me to do something about. When I eventually mustered up the strength.

      I started just as you are, one foot in front of the other and day by day. One little piece at a time. It does get easier, when it gets better is difficult to know until that time comes – and it will Neecy.

      I decided that the addiction to gamble has no part in my life any more but faced with numerous fibs regarding recovery I found it difficult to know when to slam the door in its face or if I would be slamming it in the face of a new recovery. Now I think its just best for me to keep it shut because I accept that I can never really know the answer any more.

      So today is my Dads birthday so we are all going there later on and the dreaded G word will not be mentioned there or thought about. Before that I will walk my lazy dogs and my lazy self and I might even take my curlers out before I do to prevent anyone reporting me from having escaped from somewhere.

      I suggest you do something today which makes you feel better even if it is a strain, doing ‘it’ whatever ‘it’ turns out to be is like having two fingers up to this addiction Neecy. You have the capacity to recover within you, its all there.

      Alternatively I could sit here thinking about what could have been, what might have been, if this, if that, what’s he doing now, is he seeking recovery, will I have missed out, for me doing all of that will achieve nothing except to make me miserable and completely spoil my day, as it will yours.

      Today you can choose Neecy, no one is saying you have to be running around dressed in tinsle and wearing bells and whistles and not shed a tear, but you can make it a better day than it has been so far by taking control of what you do next.

      Jenny x

    • #3055
      velvet
      Moderator

      Neecy – If you have tried and not succeeded – try again. I think I have an hour tonight

    • #3056
      madge456
      Participant

      just a quick hello as I am fading fast. I resonate with so much of what you say – let the tears come, they are cleansing. eventually they will stop and you will emerge stronger and with more strength then you knew you had. You are the one who needs tending – let your CG clean up his own mess. YOU are valuable as you are – You are loved.

      xx
      M

    • #3057
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi All
      Thanks for all your posts to me over the Xmas period, been a tough time all round. I kept missing people on the unmoderated chat and Velvet didnt get e mail about last nights group till ten to ten. The group didnt come up on my feed and I was gutted, really needed to chat.
      Heard some stuff my CG been posting online about getting rid of “unwanted baggage” like he has , guess thats me then huh? To say I was hurt is an understatement, I thought the letter was a low blow, but hes really taking the biscuit now. I was the one who found Gordon Moody and did all the leg work and it hurts so much now to be thought of as unwanted baggage. I didnt d it for thanks I did it out of love and concern, not just for the man I loved but for another human being. Hurst a lot this human being can refer to me this way.
      When I started posting here I used to be scared one day hed read what I posted and guessed it was me, now I hope he does and I hope it will shame him to know how he made me feel. I wouldnt treat a dog the ways hes treated , and continues to try to treat me even now.
      Well no more I wont be a victim of this cruel, callous behaviour. How dare he talk about me as unwanted baggage. There are many people in my life who want me. Hes the idiot not to value me. I may have been an idiot and too trusting, but dod you know what Id rather be me and have learned hard lessons than the kind of person who can treat someone who loves them like he has. Lies are coming out daily and it looks like hed rather run than confront them, I just hope he faces them over these next 12 weeks so he doesnt watse the opportunity of this treatment otherwise this will all have been for nothing.
      Finally realised nothing I can do for him anymore Ive stretched my arms out to him for so long waiting forhim to grab them that theyre tired and need holding up themselves. Im going to try to rest tham now wnd wrap them tight around myseld and say to myself I appreciate you, I love you Neecy xxxxxxxx

    • #3058
      Neecy
      Participant

      sorry about the typos was upset

    • #3059
      monique
      Participant

      I am sad to hear about the callousness with which your partner has treated you. I cannot tell what is driving him at the moment, but I think I can see that you are beginning to do some emotional separating from all that. It is very hard to come to terms with how someone close can be so cruel, but this is about him and not about you. Ultimately, as you are grasping, you are a precious, worthwhile and good human being – whether or not this person is thinking well of you. Hold on to those thoughts more and more. Treat yourself well, even when he does not treat you well. When you can, enjoy relating to others in your life, who are caring and respectful towards you. Also, when you can, reach out lovingly to others in need and receive appreciation. It is sometimes surprising to find how much you still have within you, even when you think you are totally washed out.
      I know you are feeling right down and you give such a lot in your working life and family life, so I am not suggesting rushing out to save the world, but just using little opportunities that present themselves to you.
      Try not to worry about your partner’s recovery – that has to be his choice and his work. I know you have probably heard that so often, but sometimes we have to keep reminding ourselves of the most vital things on a daily basis. I think this is because we are changing old patterns of thinking and this is a major process.
      I’m sorry you have had problems getting into groups etc and hope you continue to find nurture from others and also from the well within in you.
      Best wishes,

      Monique

    • #3060
      jenny46
      Participant

      I don’t know whether i’m sorry that you are seeing this side of his personality or not. I am however sorry that you’ve been hurt again by his words that may be very genuine or may have been placed knowing that you would find them. Do not ever forget that this addiction is the master of manipulation.

      I don’t really know if i’m surprised or not that he has ignored the advice he was given regarding contact with the outside world either, if not a little astounded at the internet access. I think as Monique says – it is about him and says quite a lot about him.

      Is this the first time you have witnessed him behaving in this way or is it just that you are beginning to see the situation with a sharper, less tainted pair of eyes ?

      I don’t like the phrase baggage but seeing as it has been used I would urge you to consider just how much ‘baggage you have been carrying around’ that didn’t belong to you in the first place ? The worry, the stress, the things you have done for him and the lengths you have gone to to make it right. It seems like a very big bag too me and if you value yourself in the way that you say you do then perhaps its time for you to empty some of the crap out of it, and that is all I have to say about bags.

      I wouldn’t waste my time with the daily lies Neecy, i’m not sure whether you mean past or present ones? they are the tools to protect the addiction and gain enablement the individuality of each lie is almost irrelevant.

      Now is the time for you to concentrate on the latter half of your post and the things you still have that are good in your life and there are the beginnings of some boundaries appearing in your posts that as they become a little firmer will help you in your recovery.

      I suggest you steer clear of his recovery and concentrate on yours as that is the only one you have within you to make happen.

      Jenny x

    • #3061
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Neecy
      I am not sure how you are hearing stuff from your CG online but if it was me I would stay away from it. Unasked for, unconstructive criticism tells us a great deal more about the person doing the criticising and the opinions of this man are not worth getting upset over.
      This is one of the places in your life where I hope you will feel you don’t have to justify ‘your’ actions.
      I understand you saying that you hope he now reads what you have written because he has hurt you with his words but I think it is very important Neecy not to join in such a game – keeping your head held high and not wasting any more of your energy on his addiction is a far healthier option.
      The greatest revenge on his addiction is for you to be happy – all ‘your’ recovery comes down to ‘you’ in the end. Whether he wastes the golden opportunity he has now, or not, is down to him.
      I am sorry you are hearing the garbage he is spouting but I will be sorrier still if you allow his addiction to hurt your recovery.
      I don’t have a group on Tuesday but I will be here on Wednesday morning at 11.00. I hope to speak to you then.
      Velvet

    • #3062
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Neecy
      I will try and explain ‘the other woman’ syndrome that many F&F feel.
      The addiction to gamble fills the head of an active CG so there is no room for good things. It is often supposed by those who love CGs that there is another woman because the mind of their loved one is absent so much. The addiction is often referred to as the CG’s mistress.
      Because the CG mind is so full of addiction they do struggle with relationships – the person who loves them wants more than they are prepared to give because the addiction is a demanding mistress. Some CGs turn to porn which satisfies cravings without responsibility, some turn to internet dating sites – hoping to prove, by receiving interest, that they are ‘normal’ although unless the addiction is dealt with, ‘love’ as you know it, will not be understood.
      There is no shame in falling in love with a CG. If they were not charming they would not get the enablement they crave but the addiction gets worse if it is untreated, which is why cracks appear later on in relationships.
      You are a lovely person and you have had more than your fair share of tragedy and it is for this reason I urge to look after yourself and leave your CG to take care of his own future.
      Nobody can know the outcome of a relationship but I think that turning your thoughts to that which we talked about this morning is far better for you. Retake control of your life, do what pleases you and makes you smile. Learn from what has happened but don’t let it bring you down any further because that would mean the addiction has won.
      Realise your worth – you are doing well
      V

    • #3063
      vera
      Participant

      Thinking of you Neecy!

      How are you getting on?

    • #3064
      madge456
      Participant

      Hi Neecy

      How are you doing??
      I also wanted to extend my support and urge you to wrap those arms tightly around yourself and never let go.

      I am still new on the path but have been following your thread – I have learned, as Im sure you’ve heard, all you can do is look after yourself. I so resonate with those arms being tired – Mine are exhausted! F&F spend so much time looking out for others that we literally burn ourselves out in the process – sometimes I have looked in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself because I look so tired and awful. I relate to your make up usage as I have been there too – Deciding at times “enough is enough” and that I need to take care of myself, put on a little make up and jewelry to remind myself of who I used to be.

      Good for you for recognizing these things – and so quickly – You deserve better for yourself and you deserve not to allow yourself to be put down by others, especially others who said they care about you.

      I am here – post again – wishing you only peace and blessings for 2014.

      xx
      M

    • #3065
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi M
      Thanks for your post and to all of you who I know are still thinking of me, and praying for me (Vera). Xxx Still having a tough time , lot more downs than ups, been accused of stuff I haven’t done by my CG s sister! Felt awful esp as it was New Years Day, which I should have been with him and was thinking back to last year spent together. Although in reality he’d got leg less New Years Eve and it wasn’t that good now my rose tinted glasses are off. Anyhow it upset me and angered me to be accused of trying to hurt him when all I’ve ever done is hurt myself trying to keep him happy.
      My youngest daughter is struggling again and so focusing in on her and her needs is helping as not so much time to think. Not been online much as I had counseling last week and found the talking face t face hard so I needed time just not t have t think or talk about it. Been blocking it out hoping it ll go away but it hasn’t. The gaping wound is still there when u remove whatever u plaster over it t try t hide it!
      Help I’m still hurting, still struggling to understand but I’ve not contacted him, on my way to a month and counting and still no intention of doing so. But on the downside I still love him and miss him desperately and would prob give my right arm to hear his voice,
      Love and lots if hugs to you all
      Neecy xxxxx

    • #3066
      san250
      Participant

      Sending a hug back to you. It’s good to see your update and I hope your daughter is okay too. I think it’s a shock when the rose tinted glasses come off and you can see your relationship with the cg for what it is. When the reality hits, I believe, we go through a grief process that needs to be given time, a lot of tender self love too. I’ve learnt so much over the last few years and one of the biggest lessons has been that people don’t think or treat people like I do! This is especially true when the addiction takes hold of my cg. I am still learning how to deal with this. I no longer take it personally and have very low expectations from him now. If something ‘nice’ happens with him its a bonus!
      Velvet talks about ‘the void’ when you switch from thinking about your cg and the addiction to thinking about other things and yourself. With your rose tinted glasses off, I am sure you can see how much time and energy has been spent on your cg in the past. When I realised this time and energy was not reciprocated I felt very hurt and rejected. I now realise his thinking was not the same as mine and this information helped to heal the wounds.

      When I read your thread the hurt you feel floods through. I found this today … ‘At the end of the day, tell yourself gently: I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn’t accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway.’

      I’m going to be very honest with you now, I am jealous (if that’s the right word) that your cg is in a place he can get help. I’ve realised that my cg is no where near ready for that type of help YET. I can ‘hear’ it’s very hard for you at the moment, however, your cg is getting help and has the ‘chance’ to change. Hold onto that Neecy and use this time to recover and be gentle with yourself. As for his sister … don’t give her words any of your time or energy, we all know that he is in the best place to get help, she probably doesn’t understand the addiction very well. One day at a time … and it will get easier as you arm yourself with a better understanding of the addiction and how to deal with it yourself. Hoping you have a better day and can find something to smile and laugh about today. Take Care san x

    • #3067
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi San
      I certainly have found something to make me smile, your lovely words, God bless you for caring xxx
      I am jealous of you as you still have your CG and he loves you. That probably sounds selfish of me but unfortunately that’s how I still feel. Obviously I’m glad my CG is getting help but by helping him to do this I have lost him, and the thoughts that in all probability it’s forever are still enough to bring tears. It’s very hard to accept that perhaps he never really loved me at all. So many friends and acquaintances tell me he’s a fool to not want me, that I’m attractive, intelligent, a nice person and maybe it’s true but just makes me feel worse! If I am then why does the man I love not love me? Life just isn’t fair sometimes is it? Why do the nice people never seem to win?
      My daughter is a little better and has been a god send in the past few weeks, she’s even taken to sleeping in my bed, something she’s not done for years. Guess at the moment we both need the safety and companionship . Starting an exercise class tonight, hoping it will help with sleep for us both. And maybe a few shared laughs along the way.
      Thanks again for ur words and ur cyber hug , both needed and appreciated.
      Much love
      Neecy xxxx

    • #3068
      Neecy
      Participant

      Hi San
      I certainly have found something to make me smile, your lovely words, God bless you for caring xxx
      I am jealous of you as you still have your CG and he loves you. That probably sounds selfish of me but unfortunately that’s how I still feel. Obviously I’m glad my CG is getting help but by helping him to do this I have lost him, and the thoughts that in all probability it’s forever are still enough to bring tears. It’s very hard to accept that perhaps he never really loved me at all. So many friends and acquaintances tell me he’s a fool to not want me, that I’m attractive, intelligent, a nice person and maybe it’s true but just makes me feel worse! If I am then why does the man I love not love me? Life just isn’t fair sometimes is it? Why do the nice people never seem to win?
      My daughter is a little better and has been a god send in the past few weeks, she’s even taken to sleeping in my bed, something she’s not done for years. Guess at the moment we both need the safety and companionship . Starting an exercise class tonight, hoping it will help with sleep for us both. And maybe a few shared laughs along the way.
      Thanks again for ur words and ur cyber hug , both needed and appreciated.
      Much love
      Neecy xxxx

    • #3069
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Neecy
      I am glad you have updated and really pleased to hear you are getting counselling – well done.
      You didn’t lose your boyfriend Neecy, addicted to gambling he was incapable of giving you the love you deserve bcause he was already lost. Accept that he has an addiction which made him incapable of giving you the love you deserve, rather than believing he never loved you.
      I hope you will not take any words or actions from his sister to heart because around every active compulsive gambler there are many people who are hurt and a group that really do have a lot of pain to deal with and in my view seldom get understanding are the siblings.
      I imagine if my brother had been a CG and I had lost my equal standing with my parents or my sister-in-law or his partner I would have cried “what about me?” When you look at how much understanding and support is needed with this addiction I think it becomes clear that the sibling probably does not get it.
      I know I have generalised but we have only ever had a couple of siblings write on here before and so I have taken their stories and the experience of others and feel that I am somewhere near the truth.
      You are doing really well. Stay clear of relationships that can hurt you, understand that you are not to blame and get on with ‘your’ life. Please keep posting – it is great to get your update.
      I hope the exercise class gives you a terrific boost and you have lot of laughs. You are doing well.
      Velvet

    • #3070
      kingskid
      Participant

      Hi Neecy and everyone, it has been awhile since I have been here. My compulsive gambler was doing so well. We finished 6 months of counseling, and he was back working with Billy Graham, My Hope America. Teaching SS again. Then an old friend came to town, and that seemed to be a trigger. After 1 1/2 yrs. of not gambling, he returned to play Texas Hold em, nonstop 4 days. This has been on and off for 15 years. But I thought he was done. I notice this time he is very angry, and blaming all this on everyone else. He says no one appreciates him or cares and just yells and screams about everything! He just came home today and he knew that this was it. He actually was the one who told me, if he ever were to do this again that I should make him leave or shoot him (kidding of course about this one) but this is how much he hates it too. But I still love him very much (for 43 yrs,) I love him too much to not give him up. So this is what I have done. For me it is placing him at the foot of the cross, and allowing the Lord to do whatever is best for him. It is very hard, but hang in there, we know joy comes in the morning when we can let them go.
      God Bless and keep U

    • #3071
      monique
      Participant

      Thank you for posting. I wonder if you have your own thread? I notice that your post is right in the middle of Neecy’s thread, but maybe you need to write your own as well as communicating with Neecy on hers, otherwise things may get lost or muddled.

      It sounds like you have had a real disappointment recently and perhaps need some support again about coping with this and the longer-term? In your terms you are ‘placing him (your husband) at the foot of the cross’, so you are recognizing that you cannot control this addiction, nor the cg. Are you also ensuring that you are looking after yourself? – financially, emotionally, physically?
      Best wishes,
      Monique

    • #3072
      kingskid
      Participant

      Hi Monique…Thanks for your concern…..I have been down this road so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, many times that I do have the finances in order, he knows he cannot handle money. But when he gets urges he opens the credit cards again. I need to learn not to pay them off, but he convinces me that he will never do it again. I hope this time I have learned my lesson.

    • #3073
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Kingskid
      Unfortunately your old thread didn’t transfer across to our new site so I can’t bring it up for you to receive the support I think you want.
      I appreciate you have been down this road many times before but you are back here now and I don’t think you would be if you didn’t want someone who understands the problem you are living with to listen and share with you.
      I am aware that you are armed with knowledge of the addiction and you have your barriers in place. Maybe you feel there is nothing more that we can add to what you have already done – maybe you are right but we want to walk with you again because ‘going down the same road’ is something that is understood here and in my opinion it is easier having understanding companions on the way.
      You have your story in the middle of Neecy’s thread.. Starting another thread would give us the ability to talk to ‘you’.

      On this forum ‘you’ are the priority and I believe we can offer you more support as you hang in there. For those who wish to support you it is difficult knowing we are on someone else’s thread so I do urge you to start your own thread, contact our helpline, join our groups, use the benefits available on this site.
      I do remember you and I think it is great that you knew you could return – well done.
      Velvet

    • #3074
      madge456
      Participant

      Just checking in…how are you doing?? I was reading your posts again and hoping to get an update – I am sending love and hoping you are taking good care of yourself and your daughter –

      Lots of cyber hugs
      xxoo
      M

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