19 December 2013 at 8:36 am #3034san250Participant
Great to hear you got to ‘talk’ to someone face to face :). I am sorry if my words upset you in any way. Sometimes I think the forum are a double edged sword. No-one really knows the full story. Velvet has the advantage of speaking to us in the groups and has a much better view of the whole story.
I’ve just seen this and thought of you, ‘Have patience and wait for the thing you want most. Don’t chase it. Don’t run after it. If God wants you to have it He will give it to you.’
Wishing you a good day and know we are thinking of you.
Best wishes San x20 December 2013 at 6:18 pm #3035
I have just been catching up with your posts, having been away from the forum a day or 2. I am glad you are getting to talk and share things both in ‘real’ time and space and in this cyber world. And I hope it is supporting you.
You are learning a lot very fast, whilst coping with all the ‘normal’ pressures as well as those connected with having a cg in your life.
Sending you my warmest wishes again,
Monique20 December 2013 at 9:26 pm #3036
some success today!
First for you Velvet you asked me to do something for myself and tell you so I did.
I went shopping and bought myself some new make up. Ive not been putting it on much but made myself wear it last two days. Was only 13 quid and it felt good. I also bought myself a journal to keep a record of my jpurney. Maybe theres a best seller in me and Id love to give some money to the website.
Today I canclled his phone. Its on my name and in the last 15 months hes paid the contract about twice and goes over it massively . I cancelled out going calls and interent but left incoming so his kids can contact him if necessary. I felt awful and cried but I did it and was proud of myself.
Im taking back my self respect. Why should i pay after what he said to me, in fact why should i pay anyhow?
I know we may never be togteher again but how can he respect me if I dodnt respect myself/ And if we are ever togteher again I will be demanding respect from him, I deserve it. It was a very hard day, I went shopping after work, everyone seemed happy in shops except me but I did it. Was glad to get home and chat in group, is my lifeline at minute.
Hope to speak to you all over weekend.
Love Neecy xxx21 December 2013 at 10:06 am #3037jenny46Participant
Its good that you decided to treat yourself to something and sometimes it is a case of forcing yourself to do all the things again like wear make up, small things that have slid since someone else bashed yourself esteem that at one time maybe you did without thinking.
Particularly well done for cancelling his phone, I was hoping you were going to say you had cancelled the whole lot for a minute for a number of reasons.
One is it is not your problem how he manages to make contact with his kids and although that sounds a little callous it is not meant to. It is still a form of enablement if you are taking that responsibility for him. Its down to him now to take some responsibility and if he wants to contact people then he will find a way.
I have to say the notion of people having internet access with all the online gambling stuff available whilst in a gambling rehab is in my oppinion, frankly ridiculous but as I say that is just my oppinion and others may not agree. It can also be used to read F&F as well Neecy if you know what i’m saying to you. You do not want to make yourself more vulnerable than you already are right now I don’t think.
However I sense a little bit of a spark in you now that so far was unseen in your previous posts. Exactly why should you pay for anything ? Why indeed should you tolerate the way he treated you ?
Although the addiction does not respect anything except itself and not even its owner then that is no excuse for basic common disrespect, sometimes I think we can put a lot down to the addiction when in actual fact it is basic down right rudeness and shoddy treatment of others. Its good to see that you are recognising that you are worth more than that.
I hope you keep it up Neecy, as you say you are taking back yourself respect and I for one hope that you do not give it away again to him or anybody else. It is yours to look after in the best way that you can.
Jenny x21 December 2013 at 10:54 am #3038
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, always appreciated. No internet access just incoming calls. I have to pay the monthly bill but he can’t use phone to ring , text or use internet it’s purely incoming calls. Someone has even suggested it’s my phone and I should ask for the handset. I must admit I am worried he will view this as nastiness and petty but I didn’t do it to hurt him but to reclaim some of my dignity. For once this was about me, not about him. I’m fed up of feeling lower than a snakes belly. I love him but I’m not willing any longer to be controlled by that love for him. I want someone who loves me AND respects me because I am a good, honest , loving woman and I deserve respect.
Still struggling at times but determined to carry on
Love Neecy22 December 2013 at 10:05 pm #3039
Your posts show a real strength and determination. You are rebuilding yourself – it’s great to read about it. Of course you still struggle, but you are finding out so much and moving in the right direction.
I’m glad you have heard from Jenny – she is writing some fantastic posts and has such experience and wisdom to share.
Thinking of you.
Monique23 December 2013 at 8:43 am #3040
Thanks for your kind comments. Yes I am moving forward with a lot of help from the wonderful, kind people on here, the chat groups, the web team and GMA. I have found it very painful to move forward , but no more painful than staying where I was sitting on my bed crying all day while my CG was moving forward.
I’m still struggling daily, hourly if I’m totally honest. Xmas is bad time for me anyhow because of my son .Also it was my brothers bday on Saturday, he died six years ago and today is four years since I buried my mother. So all in all a tough time . So I am proud to be getting on with things at all. I’ve made myself put make up on which I haven’t been doing. I’m no longer going out looking like the Wreck of the Hesperus and frightening small children.
Thoughts of being without him and never seeing him again still crowd my mind but not enough to make me weaken and try to contact him. I have enough self respect to know I can’t make him want me and enough self respect to want him to respect me now even if he doesn’t love me. I know now I won’t die without him, even if it ll be hard to swallow and move on. I’ve acknowledged now I am worth it. And I want any man I’m with to acknowledge that and be proud to say to the world , this is a wonderful woman, she’s mine and I’m proud of her .
If I don’t speak to you again before, I wish you and your loved ones a peaceful and blessed Christmas.
Neecy xxxx23 December 2013 at 1:34 pm #3041
Thank you for that message – good to hear from a ‘wonderful woman’. I wish you all the blessings you need at this time right in the midst of its struggles and sadness. Joy that comes through will be real and deep, not just ‘frothy’ and temporary.
Monique24 December 2013 at 1:27 pm #3042
Thank u again for ur lovely words. I’m afraid I am struggling again today! I had a good day Sunday my daughter took us all out for lunch, and paid. I visited my friend in evening and we helped her daughter pack her kids presents. I had a couple of drinks, not many, and we shared a take away.
For a few hours I felt better and not engulfed with sadness.
Yesterday morning I was getting ready to go shopping when my dad rang me. He hasn’t spoken to me since April over stuff my eldest daughter told him that was a gross exaggeration of the truth, something she now admits to. He said as long as I was with my CG he didn’t want to know me. I rang him Father’s Day and he put the phone down on me. I wrote him a long letter which received no answer. I have had to work hard with my counsellor as the rejection was hard to take.
Eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I’d probably never see him again as he’s 78.
He rang yesterday and obviously I was glad, he said he realised life is too short and he’d not interfere in my life. Ironic as my CG no longer wants to be in mine. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional floodgate it would open. I had my say, nicely and told him a few home truths but we ended the conversation with a truce. I’m sure we will see each other soon, but not just yet my feelings are too raw just now.
I feel in back to square one. I cried on and off all day yesterday and I’m really struggling today.
I know it WILL pass but at the minute I feel overwhelmed.
I have such nice memories of Xmas day last year when my CG cooked for me and the kids. It was a quiet simple day but full of love and hope .
Really hope I can get back to where I was Sunday for my youngest s sake most if all.
Neecy xxxx24 December 2013 at 2:21 pm #3043velvetModerator
You can get there Neecy.
Hope to ‘see’ you tonight
Velvet24 December 2013 at 2:38 pm #3044
Definitely be there
Neecy x24 December 2013 at 8:44 pm #3045velvetModerator
I’m sorry you didn’t make the group but I know it is a busy time.
I was really proud of you when I read you no longer looked like the Wreck of Hesperus – it isn’t the best look is it – wet and broken with barnacles on your bottom!!
I was wondering if the stuff your daughter told your dad was connected to your CG – I do know that different members of the family do see things from different angles and feel pain in different ways. If it was connected to your CG then your father and daughter are victims of the addiction too. Your father does not appear to have handled the situation, with you, in the best way but the addiction to gamble is divisive in families and he should maybe be forgiven for trying to sort out a situation he couldn’t understand that was hurting his daughter.
Fathers want to protect and when the addiction is in a home and hurting the child, many fathers make the wrong decision for the right reason. I am glad that he has made contact with you – you do need support. If I am thinking the right way then your father was rejecting your CG’s addiction, not you.
I am glad to read what you say about self-respect. Most of us lose our self-respect over time when the addiction envelops us so hang on to that which you have and build on it. You are right, you won’t die without him but with an active addiction you can certainly feel you have died a thousand of deaths.
I can hear a wonderful woman and I am proud to have met her. You have had far more than your fair share of problems. You will have ups and downs but the downs do decrease as the ups increase. You have created quite a strong journal now for you to turn to when you are feeling less positive – remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I hope that your Christmas Day is peaceful and I hope that at 10am you will join me in cyber space to say the Serenity Prayer. I will be back on Boxing Day and maybe we can ‘meet’ up then. I want to hear about things that you have been doing for yourself.
Get that make up on tomorrow and look amazing. Well done.
Velvet25 December 2013 at 7:16 am #3046
Tried to get on for twenty mins and couldn’t, later I realised phone connection for internet was unplugged. I slept most of Xmas Eve I really am struggling and crying a lot again. I miss him so much V and keep thinking back to last Xmas, everyone seems so happy , while I feel so sad and lonely even though I have my girls and they’ve been great.
With my dad it was sort of connected to my CG , my girls felt I was neglecting them but it was grossly exaggerated and my dad wouldn’t discuss it, he’s a difficult man there’s no compromise with him ever. He stopped talking to my brother during my brothers chemotherapy for a brain tumor and only made up when I had to tell him my brother didn’t have long to live.
I love him dearly but tbh my step mum has always come first and it was my mother who was always my main source of support in tough times.
I really thought I had a lid on it but don’t really have any family to turn to. My best support is a lady who runs my church, speitualist, she’s old enough to be my mum and is always there for me. My girls love her too and we are going over there this evening. She is funny and daft and takes my mind off things.
I will def be on at 10 am I missed talking last night so much.
Love Neecy xxx25 December 2013 at 7:53 am #3047san250Participant
Wishing you a Happy Christmas Neecy. Have fun with your girls and the ‘funny’ lady tonight. Sending you a cyber ((HUG)).
Very best wishes San x25 December 2013 at 10:03 am #3048
Ill try my very best. Its 10 am and kids still in bed, tried online as when V said about joining her i though she meant literally so instead Im hearing asking God to hear my words of the Serenity Prayer and help me this day to practise them.
Thank you all for caring so much, am hurting so much because it feels like he doesnt even care Im hurting at minute let alone have any love for me and thtas hard to take.
Im going to get my girls up and give them their presents. I know theyve spent far too much on me to try to make me happy but what I want isnt bought by money.
God bless you all my friends, hope to speak to you all in realtime soon
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