25 December 2013 at 10:04 am #3049
WHEN ARE YOU ONLINE TOMORROW?
lOVE nEECY XXXXXXX25 December 2013 at 10:37 am #3050moniqueParticipant
Thinking of you as you move through this day. I wish for you that you will know peace and contentment moment by moment, in spite of all the contradictory feelings that are swirling around for you and within you.
You will remain in my thoughts and in the thoughts of others here who care for your well-being, even though we only ‘meet’ in the cyber world.
Monique25 December 2013 at 4:45 pm #3051veraParticipant
Just to let you know , I’m thinking of you right now Neecy!
I said a special prayer for you before the Christmas crib this morning after Mass!
All A OK here in Ireland! Bright, sunny day Christmas day. I’m sure all the Bookies and casinos are closed today…just a passing thought!
Got a base guitar for my son (not the expensive one he was wishing for) himself and his brother are doing a bass/piano duet as I write. I love live music.26 December 2013 at 7:49 am #3052
Just wondered if anyone will be online today, could really do with a chat xx
Love Neecy xxx26 December 2013 at 1:13 pm #3053
I am on line tonight at 9pm Neecy
Velvet26 December 2013 at 1:36 pm #3054jenny46Participant
Thank you for your comment on my thread. We are all at different stages in our recovery and everyone here has picked me off the ground more than once when it seemed like an impossibility at times. I do not see myself as being out of the woods, rather more like at a different stage.
The bar at Christmas is set so high that if we buy into all of the hype around it then disappointment is bound to set in, if we put all that into a melting pot with the impact of the addiction to gamble on our lives along with a relaitionship break up then it is little wonder that we can come down so low and perfectly understandable.
I see you have taken some steps to do some nice things for you with I hasten to add, people that will not abuse you and will treat you as you should be treated.
Distance from this addiction will allow you to see what the impact has really been. Possibly like me you too became so focused on the happiness of another and the recovery of another that your eye has been ‘off the ball’ in other departments, one of mine was my children, another was my job, another was myself. These were the things that were within me to do something about. When I eventually mustered up the strength.
I started just as you are, one foot in front of the other and day by day. One little piece at a time. It does get easier, when it gets better is difficult to know until that time comes – and it will Neecy.
I decided that the addiction to gamble has no part in my life any more but faced with numerous fibs regarding recovery I found it difficult to know when to slam the door in its face or if I would be slamming it in the face of a new recovery. Now I think its just best for me to keep it shut because I accept that I can never really know the answer any more.
So today is my Dads birthday so we are all going there later on and the dreaded G word will not be mentioned there or thought about. Before that I will walk my lazy dogs and my lazy self and I might even take my curlers out before I do to prevent anyone reporting me from having escaped from somewhere.
I suggest you do something today which makes you feel better even if it is a strain, doing ‘it’ whatever ‘it’ turns out to be is like having two fingers up to this addiction Neecy. You have the capacity to recover within you, its all there.
Alternatively I could sit here thinking about what could have been, what might have been, if this, if that, what’s he doing now, is he seeking recovery, will I have missed out, for me doing all of that will achieve nothing except to make me miserable and completely spoil my day, as it will yours.
Today you can choose Neecy, no one is saying you have to be running around dressed in tinsle and wearing bells and whistles and not shed a tear, but you can make it a better day than it has been so far by taking control of what you do next.
Jenny x26 December 2013 at 9:18 pm #3055
Neecy – If you have tried and not succeeded – try again. I think I have an hour tonight27 December 2013 at 1:46 am #3056madge456Participant
just a quick hello as I am fading fast. I resonate with so much of what you say – let the tears come, they are cleansing. eventually they will stop and you will emerge stronger and with more strength then you knew you had. You are the one who needs tending – let your CG clean up his own mess. YOU are valuable as you are – You are loved.
M27 December 2013 at 10:18 am #3057
Thanks for all your posts to me over the Xmas period, been a tough time all round. I kept missing people on the unmoderated chat and Velvet didnt get e mail about last nights group till ten to ten. The group didnt come up on my feed and I was gutted, really needed to chat.
Heard some stuff my CG been posting online about getting rid of “unwanted baggage” like he has , guess thats me then huh? To say I was hurt is an understatement, I thought the letter was a low blow, but hes really taking the biscuit now. I was the one who found Gordon Moody and did all the leg work and it hurts so much now to be thought of as unwanted baggage. I didnt d it for thanks I did it out of love and concern, not just for the man I loved but for another human being. Hurst a lot this human being can refer to me this way.
When I started posting here I used to be scared one day hed read what I posted and guessed it was me, now I hope he does and I hope it will shame him to know how he made me feel. I wouldnt treat a dog the ways hes treated , and continues to try to treat me even now.
Well no more I wont be a victim of this cruel, callous behaviour. How dare he talk about me as unwanted baggage. There are many people in my life who want me. Hes the idiot not to value me. I may have been an idiot and too trusting, but dod you know what Id rather be me and have learned hard lessons than the kind of person who can treat someone who loves them like he has. Lies are coming out daily and it looks like hed rather run than confront them, I just hope he faces them over these next 12 weeks so he doesnt watse the opportunity of this treatment otherwise this will all have been for nothing.
Finally realised nothing I can do for him anymore Ive stretched my arms out to him for so long waiting forhim to grab them that theyre tired and need holding up themselves. Im going to try to rest tham now wnd wrap them tight around myseld and say to myself I appreciate you, I love you Neecy xxxxxxxx27 December 2013 at 10:20 am #3058
sorry about the typos was upset27 December 2013 at 11:00 am #3059moniqueParticipant
I am sad to hear about the callousness with which your partner has treated you. I cannot tell what is driving him at the moment, but I think I can see that you are beginning to do some emotional separating from all that. It is very hard to come to terms with how someone close can be so cruel, but this is about him and not about you. Ultimately, as you are grasping, you are a precious, worthwhile and good human being – whether or not this person is thinking well of you. Hold on to those thoughts more and more. Treat yourself well, even when he does not treat you well. When you can, enjoy relating to others in your life, who are caring and respectful towards you. Also, when you can, reach out lovingly to others in need and receive appreciation. It is sometimes surprising to find how much you still have within you, even when you think you are totally washed out.
I know you are feeling right down and you give such a lot in your working life and family life, so I am not suggesting rushing out to save the world, but just using little opportunities that present themselves to you.
Try not to worry about your partner’s recovery – that has to be his choice and his work. I know you have probably heard that so often, but sometimes we have to keep reminding ourselves of the most vital things on a daily basis. I think this is because we are changing old patterns of thinking and this is a major process.
I’m sorry you have had problems getting into groups etc and hope you continue to find nurture from others and also from the well within in you.
Monique27 December 2013 at 1:26 pm #3060jenny46Participant
I don’t know whether i’m sorry that you are seeing this side of his personality or not. I am however sorry that you’ve been hurt again by his words that may be very genuine or may have been placed knowing that you would find them. Do not ever forget that this addiction is the master of manipulation.
I don’t really know if i’m surprised or not that he has ignored the advice he was given regarding contact with the outside world either, if not a little astounded at the internet access. I think as Monique says – it is about him and says quite a lot about him.
Is this the first time you have witnessed him behaving in this way or is it just that you are beginning to see the situation with a sharper, less tainted pair of eyes ?
I don’t like the phrase baggage but seeing as it has been used I would urge you to consider just how much ‘baggage you have been carrying around’ that didn’t belong to you in the first place ? The worry, the stress, the things you have done for him and the lengths you have gone to to make it right. It seems like a very big bag too me and if you value yourself in the way that you say you do then perhaps its time for you to empty some of the crap out of it, and that is all I have to say about bags.
I wouldn’t waste my time with the daily lies Neecy, i’m not sure whether you mean past or present ones? they are the tools to protect the addiction and gain enablement the individuality of each lie is almost irrelevant.
Now is the time for you to concentrate on the latter half of your post and the things you still have that are good in your life and there are the beginnings of some boundaries appearing in your posts that as they become a little firmer will help you in your recovery.
I suggest you steer clear of his recovery and concentrate on yours as that is the only one you have within you to make happen.
Jenny x28 December 2013 at 8:13 pm #3061
I am not sure how you are hearing stuff from your CG online but if it was me I would stay away from it. Unasked for, unconstructive criticism tells us a great deal more about the person doing the criticising and the opinions of this man are not worth getting upset over.
This is one of the places in your life where I hope you will feel you don’t have to justify ‘your’ actions.
I understand you saying that you hope he now reads what you have written because he has hurt you with his words but I think it is very important Neecy not to join in such a game – keeping your head held high and not wasting any more of your energy on his addiction is a far healthier option.
The greatest revenge on his addiction is for you to be happy – all ‘your’ recovery comes down to ‘you’ in the end. Whether he wastes the golden opportunity he has now, or not, is down to him.
I am sorry you are hearing the garbage he is spouting but I will be sorrier still if you allow his addiction to hurt your recovery.
I don’t have a group on Tuesday but I will be here on Wednesday morning at 11.00. I hope to speak to you then.
Velvet1 January 2014 at 12:37 pm #3062
I will try and explain ‘the other woman’ syndrome that many F&F feel.
The addiction to gamble fills the head of an active CG so there is no room for good things. It is often supposed by those who love CGs that there is another woman because the mind of their loved one is absent so much. The addiction is often referred to as the CG’s mistress.
Because the CG mind is so full of addiction they do struggle with relationships – the person who loves them wants more than they are prepared to give because the addiction is a demanding mistress. Some CGs turn to porn which satisfies cravings without responsibility, some turn to internet dating sites – hoping to prove, by receiving interest, that they are ‘normal’ although unless the addiction is dealt with, ‘love’ as you know it, will not be understood.
There is no shame in falling in love with a CG. If they were not charming they would not get the enablement they crave but the addiction gets worse if it is untreated, which is why cracks appear later on in relationships.
You are a lovely person and you have had more than your fair share of tragedy and it is for this reason I urge to look after yourself and leave your CG to take care of his own future.
Nobody can know the outcome of a relationship but I think that turning your thoughts to that which we talked about this morning is far better for you. Retake control of your life, do what pleases you and makes you smile. Learn from what has happened but don’t let it bring you down any further because that would mean the addiction has won.
Realise your worth – you are doing well
V4 January 2014 at 3:22 pm #3063veraParticipant
Thinking of you Neecy!
How are you getting on?
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