Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Hi Im new, desperate and need help

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  • #3064
    madge456
    Participant

    Hi Neecy

    How are you doing??
    I also wanted to extend my support and urge you to wrap those arms tightly around yourself and never let go.

    I am still new on the path but have been following your thread – I have learned, as Im sure you’ve heard, all you can do is look after yourself. I so resonate with those arms being tired – Mine are exhausted! F&F spend so much time looking out for others that we literally burn ourselves out in the process – sometimes I have looked in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself because I look so tired and awful. I relate to your make up usage as I have been there too – Deciding at times “enough is enough” and that I need to take care of myself, put on a little make up and jewelry to remind myself of who I used to be.

    Good for you for recognizing these things – and so quickly – You deserve better for yourself and you deserve not to allow yourself to be put down by others, especially others who said they care about you.

    I am here – post again – wishing you only peace and blessings for 2014.

    xx
    M

    #3065
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi M
    Thanks for your post and to all of you who I know are still thinking of me, and praying for me (Vera). Xxx Still having a tough time , lot more downs than ups, been accused of stuff I haven’t done by my CG s sister! Felt awful esp as it was New Years Day, which I should have been with him and was thinking back to last year spent together. Although in reality he’d got leg less New Years Eve and it wasn’t that good now my rose tinted glasses are off. Anyhow it upset me and angered me to be accused of trying to hurt him when all I’ve ever done is hurt myself trying to keep him happy.
    My youngest daughter is struggling again and so focusing in on her and her needs is helping as not so much time to think. Not been online much as I had counseling last week and found the talking face t face hard so I needed time just not t have t think or talk about it. Been blocking it out hoping it ll go away but it hasn’t. The gaping wound is still there when u remove whatever u plaster over it t try t hide it!
    Help I’m still hurting, still struggling to understand but I’ve not contacted him, on my way to a month and counting and still no intention of doing so. But on the downside I still love him and miss him desperately and would prob give my right arm to hear his voice,
    Love and lots if hugs to you all
    Neecy xxxxx

    #3066
    san250
    Participant

    Sending a hug back to you. It’s good to see your update and I hope your daughter is okay too. I think it’s a shock when the rose tinted glasses come off and you can see your relationship with the cg for what it is. When the reality hits, I believe, we go through a grief process that needs to be given time, a lot of tender self love too. I’ve learnt so much over the last few years and one of the biggest lessons has been that people don’t think or treat people like I do! This is especially true when the addiction takes hold of my cg. I am still learning how to deal with this. I no longer take it personally and have very low expectations from him now. If something ‘nice’ happens with him its a bonus!
    Velvet talks about ‘the void’ when you switch from thinking about your cg and the addiction to thinking about other things and yourself. With your rose tinted glasses off, I am sure you can see how much time and energy has been spent on your cg in the past. When I realised this time and energy was not reciprocated I felt very hurt and rejected. I now realise his thinking was not the same as mine and this information helped to heal the wounds.

    When I read your thread the hurt you feel floods through. I found this today … ‘At the end of the day, tell yourself gently: I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn’t accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway.’

    I’m going to be very honest with you now, I am jealous (if that’s the right word) that your cg is in a place he can get help. I’ve realised that my cg is no where near ready for that type of help YET. I can ‘hear’ it’s very hard for you at the moment, however, your cg is getting help and has the ‘chance’ to change. Hold onto that Neecy and use this time to recover and be gentle with yourself. As for his sister … don’t give her words any of your time or energy, we all know that he is in the best place to get help, she probably doesn’t understand the addiction very well. One day at a time … and it will get easier as you arm yourself with a better understanding of the addiction and how to deal with it yourself. Hoping you have a better day and can find something to smile and laugh about today. Take Care san x

    #3067
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi San
    I certainly have found something to make me smile, your lovely words, God bless you for caring xxx
    I am jealous of you as you still have your CG and he loves you. That probably sounds selfish of me but unfortunately that’s how I still feel. Obviously I’m glad my CG is getting help but by helping him to do this I have lost him, and the thoughts that in all probability it’s forever are still enough to bring tears. It’s very hard to accept that perhaps he never really loved me at all. So many friends and acquaintances tell me he’s a fool to not want me, that I’m attractive, intelligent, a nice person and maybe it’s true but just makes me feel worse! If I am then why does the man I love not love me? Life just isn’t fair sometimes is it? Why do the nice people never seem to win?
    My daughter is a little better and has been a god send in the past few weeks, she’s even taken to sleeping in my bed, something she’s not done for years. Guess at the moment we both need the safety and companionship . Starting an exercise class tonight, hoping it will help with sleep for us both. And maybe a few shared laughs along the way.
    Thanks again for ur words and ur cyber hug , both needed and appreciated.
    Much love
    Neecy xxxx

    #3068
    Neecy
    Participant

    Hi San
    I certainly have found something to make me smile, your lovely words, God bless you for caring xxx
    I am jealous of you as you still have your CG and he loves you. That probably sounds selfish of me but unfortunately that’s how I still feel. Obviously I’m glad my CG is getting help but by helping him to do this I have lost him, and the thoughts that in all probability it’s forever are still enough to bring tears. It’s very hard to accept that perhaps he never really loved me at all. So many friends and acquaintances tell me he’s a fool to not want me, that I’m attractive, intelligent, a nice person and maybe it’s true but just makes me feel worse! If I am then why does the man I love not love me? Life just isn’t fair sometimes is it? Why do the nice people never seem to win?
    My daughter is a little better and has been a god send in the past few weeks, she’s even taken to sleeping in my bed, something she’s not done for years. Guess at the moment we both need the safety and companionship . Starting an exercise class tonight, hoping it will help with sleep for us both. And maybe a few shared laughs along the way.
    Thanks again for ur words and ur cyber hug , both needed and appreciated.
    Much love
    Neecy xxxx

    #3069
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Neecy
    I am glad you have updated and really pleased to hear you are getting counselling – well done.
    You didn’t lose your boyfriend Neecy, addicted to gambling he was incapable of giving you the love you deserve bcause he was already lost. Accept that he has an addiction which made him incapable of giving you the love you deserve, rather than believing he never loved you.
    I hope you will not take any words or actions from his sister to heart because around every active compulsive gambler there are many people who are hurt and a group that really do have a lot of pain to deal with and in my view seldom get understanding are the siblings.
    I imagine if my brother had been a CG and I had lost my equal standing with my parents or my sister-in-law or his partner I would have cried “what about me?” When you look at how much understanding and support is needed with this addiction I think it becomes clear that the sibling probably does not get it.
    I know I have generalised but we have only ever had a couple of siblings write on here before and so I have taken their stories and the experience of others and feel that I am somewhere near the truth.
    You are doing really well. Stay clear of relationships that can hurt you, understand that you are not to blame and get on with ‘your’ life. Please keep posting – it is great to get your update.
    I hope the exercise class gives you a terrific boost and you have lot of laughs. You are doing well.
    Velvet

    #3070
    kingskid
    Participant

    Hi Neecy and everyone, it has been awhile since I have been here. My compulsive gambler was doing so well. We finished 6 months of counseling, and he was back working with Billy Graham, My Hope America. Teaching SS again. Then an old friend came to town, and that seemed to be a trigger. After 1 1/2 yrs. of not gambling, he returned to play Texas Hold em, nonstop 4 days. This has been on and off for 15 years. But I thought he was done. I notice this time he is very angry, and blaming all this on everyone else. He says no one appreciates him or cares and just yells and screams about everything! He just came home today and he knew that this was it. He actually was the one who told me, if he ever were to do this again that I should make him leave or shoot him (kidding of course about this one) but this is how much he hates it too. But I still love him very much (for 43 yrs,) I love him too much to not give him up. So this is what I have done. For me it is placing him at the foot of the cross, and allowing the Lord to do whatever is best for him. It is very hard, but hang in there, we know joy comes in the morning when we can let them go.
    God Bless and keep U

    #3071
    monique
    Participant

    Thank you for posting. I wonder if you have your own thread? I notice that your post is right in the middle of Neecy’s thread, but maybe you need to write your own as well as communicating with Neecy on hers, otherwise things may get lost or muddled.

    It sounds like you have had a real disappointment recently and perhaps need some support again about coping with this and the longer-term? In your terms you are ‘placing him (your husband) at the foot of the cross’, so you are recognizing that you cannot control this addiction, nor the cg. Are you also ensuring that you are looking after yourself? – financially, emotionally, physically?
    Best wishes,
    Monique

    #3072
    kingskid
    Participant

    Hi Monique…Thanks for your concern…..I have been down this road so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, many times that I do have the finances in order, he knows he cannot handle money. But when he gets urges he opens the credit cards again. I need to learn not to pay them off, but he convinces me that he will never do it again. I hope this time I have learned my lesson.

    #3073
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Kingskid
    Unfortunately your old thread didn’t transfer across to our new site so I can’t bring it up for you to receive the support I think you want.
    I appreciate you have been down this road many times before but you are back here now and I don’t think you would be if you didn’t want someone who understands the problem you are living with to listen and share with you.
    I am aware that you are armed with knowledge of the addiction and you have your barriers in place. Maybe you feel there is nothing more that we can add to what you have already done – maybe you are right but we want to walk with you again because ‘going down the same road’ is something that is understood here and in my opinion it is easier having understanding companions on the way.
    You have your story in the middle of Neecy’s thread.. Starting another thread would give us the ability to talk to ‘you’.

    On this forum ‘you’ are the priority and I believe we can offer you more support as you hang in there. For those who wish to support you it is difficult knowing we are on someone else’s thread so I do urge you to start your own thread, contact our helpline, join our groups, use the benefits available on this site.
    I do remember you and I think it is great that you knew you could return – well done.
    Velvet

    #3074
    madge456
    Participant

    Just checking in…how are you doing?? I was reading your posts again and hoping to get an update – I am sending love and hoping you are taking good care of yourself and your daughter –

    Lots of cyber hugs
    xxoo
    M

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