[waikanae]

Hi, Velvet,
Thanks so much for your reply. You won’t know how much I appreciate it. I have been feeling very lonely for this couple of days. I couldn’t talk with anyone about this big issue in my life. I couldn’t let my family know it as they will be very worried but couldn’t do anything help. I couldn’t let the friends know either as I will be embarrassed to talk about it and I don’t think any of them could understand too much.
This card is very good, it is something I was thinking about before I left. But I don’t know whether it exists. I think my husband could accept it as he is desperately want to keep this relationship. However, the question you asked me is really important, “Do I love him?” Actually I have been asking myself millions time before. I found I couldn’t answer it as I don’t know what love means. Sound stupid, but I really couldn’t tell. I married him when I was in a rather low point in my life. I was badly hurt by the prior relationship and gave up about love. I just need a nice guy and peaceful life. I don’t think I will fall in love with anyone anymore.
He is a nice guy, rather simple minded, but got a nice and soft heart. We are not perfect match, but he is rather agreeable and we did find a way to get along with each other especially last year. However, I have to say, this marriage is a big burden to me. He lost everything in the last marriage as his second wife is a lawyer. He is kind of used by her. He should have some saving since then as he didn’t need to pay anything when living with his mom after that. But he gambled them away. I didn’t realize this until we got married as I just didn’t know things could be like this. I found I have to take the main responsibility in finance of this marriage. His mom could leave some money for him in the future. But it’s too far way. I supported myself and helped him pay quite a lot of bills by my saving. More important, I got a pretty good job in my home country but I left it as I want a normal life, I want to be a mom. I have to give this dream up as there is not room for a kid in this marriage. This is really painful to me. Too painful to even just think about and talk about it.
We had a lot of arguments about his gambling in the last two years. We finally muddled through the worst part. Things are getting better. He is putting more and more money in my hand. But I think he never really stopped gambling. Gambling is still the last hope for him to win anything back, is the place to escape his problems in life. Sometime I knew I should help him to share his pressure. But our communication always frustrated me very much. He is not a good communicator. I could be bad too sometimes. It has been very hard for us to keep this relationship. Now comes this big blow. I am kind of scared by how madly he could gamble. I don’t know whether I could pluck up the courage to have another year fighting with his gambling.
But I do see he is trying, fighting with his gambling. It’s so cruel to turn him down. I also know I could control the money better next year and things maybe ok. As you could tell, he is depending on me. He does love me I think. He really want to get his normal life back. He could help me to keep the life on track too, I mean I am very bad on the handle the daily life issues, such as cooking food, organizing room. He doesn’t mind these things too much. He could do it amazingly well. I really got lost, I think you could tell from my words. One voice in my mind is saying: just leave, you will be safe. Another saying: give him another chance, he is nice and he is trying so hard, he deserve another chance.
Thanks for reading, it’s such a relief to talk these to someone who could listen. It’s 3:16 am and I just couldn’t sleep at all. Waikana

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