Viewing 3 posts - 16 through 18 (of 18 total)
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  • #3708
    dcor
    Participant

    Well, here we go again. Not sure where to start with what… From everything before, I had taken over the majority of the house bills. Talked to her about having her paycheck go into my accnt, except for her weekly amount (exact opposite of how it was before, when she was paying the bills) and she was having none of that.
    At this point, there are a few bills that she pays from her paycheck, and I cover the rest. As such, I no longer have access to her account, to check for suspicious withdraws or charges, etc. She refuses to do that, to prove to me that she isn’t gambling anymore.
    For a few months, things seemed good, and I didn’t think she was going to those gambling shops. Now, I’m getting nervous again. I’ve tried to trust her, when she says she isn’t going, but it’s tough, especially since she won’t show me transaction history with no withdraws at those places and their in-house atms.

    I found a receipt last night, for one of them, dated last week. So I know she has been through their atm at least once again. I’m sure that’s not the only time, but have no proof. She refuses to add me to her new account, because “That’s my account, you’re just trying to be controlling and tell me where my money goes”
    If she’s going down that road again (or still… I never received any proof she actually stopped…. other than her saying that she did… but that’s exactly what she said before, when I DID have proof she was going)…

    At a complete and total loss at this point. Betrayed. Insulted. The bills are being covered, but it’s tough. This week has been tight. No lunch to save money, 15$ to last till payday 4 days away. I don’t want to have everything fall apart, but I’m at a loss of what else I can do. If she is still gambling, that money would make all the difference at this point. That’s just looking at monthly bills. Not even counting anything getting saved for the future, just living paycheck to paycheck.

    Is divorce my only option? Our son is early 20’s, but still living in the house. Daughter is 16, and can’t stand me most days. If I go that route, she’ll want to stay with her mom. How can I do that when I don’t know if she’ll be able to keep a roof over their heads, or food on the table? If we have to sell the house, I can’t keep it if they moved out, figuring there would be child support and alimony involved. She can’t keep it if I moved out. Where does she and the kids go to? I don’t want to make the fragile relationship with my daughter worse, but what she would probably see as me throwing her, her brother, and her mom out the door.

    But the stress of possibly losing everything if she goes off the deep end gambling again is starting to give me health issues.

    Is there any way I can get access legally to her account, to see if she is / is not gambling again? Is there any legal way I could track her car (it is registered and purchased in my name, not hers, so I would be tracking my own car)

    If your experience, with what she may / may not be doing, would any type of marriage counseling work? She has refused to call, talk, email, anything… with anyone, about what she sees isn’t a problem.

    #3709
    worriedmama
    Participant

    Hi

    I think you know in your heart she is gambling. In all honesty what is getting “proof” going to achieve? Even with iron clad proof an active CG will spin it every which way.

    I also don’t think that marriage counselling would help as she is still very much in denial and until the addiction is being managed you won’t be able to make any headway.

    Though it’s my son that is the gambler I still know how you feel. Like you are losing your mind as they are SO convincing and manipulative and make you feel like you are the one with the problem. If you can get yourself to a Gam Anon group where you are amongst people facing the exact same issues you can at least get some perspective and support. You will be amazed at the relief it can provide.

    Right now everything in your home is all about her… there comes a time when it’s time to look after the rest of you and stop letting her and her addiction dictate your lives.

    Keep writing and learning.

    Cathyx

    #3710
    dcor
    Participant

    Been away for a while, dropping back in I guess. Have been lurking the posts but didn’t reply to anything.

    Things have gone up and down a lot since I last updated. I don’t know where things stand now, or where they may be going. We’ve had decent days, and days where we haven’t spoken more than required for the kids. Everything in between.

    I vary the way I go home, just for a change of pace. A couple of them pass the shops where she used to spend so much time. I drive past, and don’t see her car, and that eases a little tension inside. Except for the one day I saw her car in the lot. I stopped, and walked in, and she was sitting at one of the machines, so there was no question this time. I just said we had things to talk about, and she needed to think about it, and left.

    I hadn’t passed those places every day, but it was off and on, but hadn’t seen her car there. So I’d like to believe she hasn’t been going. For the most part, the financial end seems to have leveled out. I have managed to get caught up on everything I was paying, and have gotten numerous paid off, so that’s a plus. On the other hand, I can’t ask questions about much of anything without it blowing up in my face. Almost anything seems to cause tension. So, $ is about the only way we seem to be making progress, and that’s been slow and a lot of work.
    Most days it feels like I’m not welcome in the house, and that’s made things even tougher with the kids.

    She finally did admit that she’d had a problem, but to the best of my knowledge, never talked to anyone, joined any groups, etc. Said it’s all under control and she’s not going any more. I know she isn’t going like she was before, cause we’d have been sunk by now. I don’t know that she hasn’t gone at all, and that makes me feel like a total jerk that I can’t trust that.
    I want to get past that, but I don’t know how.

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