Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum My Journal How could I let myself do this?

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     Hi, I have had a problem with gambling for roughly 10 years, actually more like 20 years, but did not have access to gambling for the first ten. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I used to be able to go to Vegas, Reno, Laughlin, etc., without a problem, that was when I only would play at Blackjack tables. I found video poker from there, then the evil slots. About 7 years ago, I moved to a new town that has a casino in it, which I thought would be something good I could do occasionally to relax. I should have known better, because I had spent thousands of dollars on online casinos nearly wiping out my savings. Luckily–or unfortunately, whichever way you want to look at it–I won $50,000 online casino, which most of my losses were then recovered. I did not trust myself with money by that time, and I wanted to make sure that I didn’t gamble it away again, so I put the money down on a home, along with proceeds from selling another home. Since I caretake my disabled mother, she and I were going in together to buy this new home, and this down payment left us only about $100,000 to finance, which I thought would be easy to manage the mortgage. We bought at a bad time for the economy (2007) so, before I knew it, I couldn’t even get a loan from equity on the home, because we essentially had NONE! That $50,0000 + another $175,000 we put down on the home had just vanished! I started going to the casino here in town and went through all of my savings, all of my retirement and, finally, money received when I mother did a reverse mortgage (she opted for full payment from the proceeds rather than monthly so she could invest her half). In order to care for my mother, I took early retirement, which gave me a small monthly pension to live on, but I would usually go to the casino when I got paid on the 1st and blow it all–or leaving very little–to live on the remainder of the month. We have had utilities shut off on Christmas Day because I had not paid the bill, I have to borrow money from my mother nearly every month to be paid back with my check on the 1st. I have sold or hocked everything decent I owned, all of my good jewelry, clothing, harley memorabilia, then started on mom’s jewelry, luckily just pawning it when I got desperate for money to gamble with or live on, and have managed to hold on to it, probably just to make sure I have something to pawn when things gets tight. I charged up all of my credit cards that had high limits still from when I was working, had several payday loans that i could not repay and stay gambling, I just didn’t have enough money coming in. I have had friends want to go gambling, but it always ends in an argument because I am either not ready to go when we planned on or I am ready to go earlier, then blame them for me putting all of my money back in because they weren’t ready to go, so I have to go alone to the casino. I needed my full concentration and people who talked to me were just bothering me and making me lose. I would be gone for 24-48 hours at a time, because I was gambling and usually could not leave because I was chasing my money over and over again, even though mom would be calling and calling, wanting me to do something for her. I would have to keep gambling to make back what I had lost then, when and if I did, I would not stop there, so would lose it and you know the story, the revolving casino door symdrome! I finally filed for BK back in 2010, so got rid of a lot of my debt, of course I started doing the same thing with new credit cards and payday advances. I have been paying them off and my credit card limits since BK and retirement pension are hideously low but I have kept them at their max since I got the damned things. As soon as I make a payment, large or small, it is in the back of my mind just as if I had cash in my wallet, except that it cost me about $10 per transaction for cash advances on credit cards–no worries, I can afford it! The way I pay $4 per transaction to the casino and $2 to my bank when drawing out with ATM card, it is not much more to pay the (what I used to think) riducously high rate for cash advances. Between that the NSF fees and over limit fees and finance charges. I have tried to stop gambling and would only go to play the free play that is put on my casino card 2x/week, but would have to play more than they give me, ending in me leaving the casino cursing under my breath and saying what I think of the Indians who own the casino! I think of what I going to do now for the rest of the month, who I can possibly ask to borrow from that don’t know about my little secret, think about robbing somebody or a bank, prostituting myself, etc. I have also considered suicide on several occasions, because I saw no way out of the hole I had dug for myself. Right now, I want to gamble; but, moreso, I want to stop gambling for good. I have proven to myself a hundred times that I cannot be a normal gambler and probably never was, I just hid it well. I have wanted to stop for just one month to see how much more money I would have, get some bills paid off, etc., without success. 99 out of 100 times of visiting the casino, I leave without so much as change in my pocket and less than $24 in any given bank account, otherwise I would have gotten it from my ATM card. This behavior is so non-typical of me, since I used to be so responsible and too frugal to pay even ATM fees, paid off my credit card monthly, never had a car payment (until last year) and much too good of judgment to allow this situation to have evolved in my late years. I thought people got smarter as they got older, but not the case with me! I need help and have read some threads on this site, and looks like the kind of place I need with people who understand me. My mother accuses me of visiting the casino almost every time I leave the house for more than an hour, and sometimes she is wrong!If I have to explain, you wouldn't understand!

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