[Momoftwogreatkids]

I think it is smart and lucky that someone can get out of a marriage with a gambling addict with their children and with any financial footing, 

I have been married for 20 years this July, I have two young kids, and my husband is a gambling addict. I confronted him almost one year ago exactly. He now is saying he is meeting with a divorce attorney next week. Because I am intolerable. Because I cant get past his lies and be trusting, and carry on like nothing has happened. . Because I only want to focus on how he blames me for his gambling and in his words I only criticize him.

Apparently, there are not enough reasons that he should divorce me. Even though he has ruined us financially and lied to me about everything. Even when confronting him on this, he never gave over financial control of anything. He has all the control of all the money, except my small income that I make from sales. I have zero power. And now he says he will take 50/50 custody of our kids and that he is a good person and he just “made mistakes”.

I feel abused. This person  had drinking binges for years thatI has to endure, eventually o confronted him on that and he stopped being drunk every night In front of me and the kids, but he still tries to drink every night.  he has lied to me about money, forced me into signing loans, blamed me for everything and allowed his family to put me down and blame me as well. He is this shining light in their view that has had to “tolerate me” and has turned to gambling because his life is so awful.

I was a teacher and wanted to move to a state that paid better and had excellent retirement, but he refused to move away from his family (who is his source of funding). I am a work at home mom, and I have been diagnosed with Lupus, colitis and hashimotos thyroid disease. I could file disability when I have enough work credits, but I want to work and find something to support myself and kids with. My husband complained so much about the cost of lupus medication that I didn’t take the medication prescribed by the specialist. And later I discovered the gambling. 

 I have been dependent on his income as I only work part time. To leave him will be very difficult. I feel like leaving would be best for my kids, but it scares me. They don’t want to move out into an apartment and lose their cozy hone. It’s all they have known. I have to get a good job first and make sure I can pay for every bill myself. I would never be able to afford this home alone.  My CG husband ruined my credit, blames me for his addiction, and has told his entire family that he borrows money from them because I don’t make enough to help support the family. So, they think I am a terrible person and have told me that they would have divorced me a long time ago, and that my CG husband has been too tolerant.. It has been so painful to live with this addiction. His family has given him hundreds of thousands of dollars through the years. It’s insane how they helped him hide the gambling disorder from me. I wonder if they have all known the entire time? They don’t believe he has a problem. To them, I am the problem. I pray for the strength that women/men have to leave. I am scared, but I want to leave with my kids. I have asked him to leave our home,  but he won’t move out. I have been lied to for years about every little thing. How dones this happen? How can I be forced to give him 50/50 custody of our children who depend on ME  for emotional support, true love, and care? He is receiving “free” counseling at a center because he is diagnosed as a gambling addict, but he is such a pathological liar. He in his mind is just a “problem gambler” who had a bad 3 years of draining our joint bank account. I believe he started draining that because he ran out of credit and coudnt pay the credit cards anymore. He forced me to allow him to talk to my creditors and allow them to deal with him. He lied and told them he wouldn’t be paying because “I was too sick to work”. That is not the reason, I discovered the reason was that he had this huge gambling addiction and had drained our home equity, his 401K, and has been late on the mortgage several times. This is not the first time he has stopped paying credit cards. He plays this game every 3-4 years and quits paying  to negotiate them down and start all over. It’s been about an every 5 year cycle. He is an attorney and always negotiated out of paying the whole amount of every single bill. It has always bothered me. I just thought he hated “paying bills”. But now I see it was probably all a part of his gambling problems. He never fully admits everything he has done. He says I can’t address him as a gambling addict, I can’t call him a liar, ans that I need to focus on something else. He will not address his family on how they have treated me because of his lies he let them believe about our financial situation. I am a good mother and have dedicated my life to keeping our kids safe and healthy and gave up pursuing my career interests. He works at hours that don’t allow me the flexibility to have a more steady income. Even if I had been working full time I would have never been able to make up for all the gambling and borrowing he has done. It probably would have made our situation worse. 

i Realized this relationship was never going to be anything but toxic when his brother required me to sign a loan for my husband or he wouldn’t help him. I asked why I should sign a loan for his debt??? My husband lied and said his brother just wanted me to know Because of the gambling. My brother in law informed me that he wanted me to know that I was responsible and part of the problem because I dont have what he considers a steady income. And that I should be paying my husbands debts. And he added that he would have divorced me a long time ago. 

This is he mentality of my husband”s family and he chooses them and their money over me. They are allowed to treat me however they please and believe their brother doesn’t have a gambling issue. While I have the bank statements to prove it, it doesn’t matter. I have no money and zero support. I don’t even know how to pay an attorney. I probably wouldn’t get spousal support because ha has so much debt. because there was never money in our bank account to buy food, I was forced to use my own credit. I bought the groceries and the clothes for our kids. Now I’m broke too. I am applying for jobs and renewing my teaching certificat. My world will never be the same. I am ok with being poor, but I am not ok with giving this man anything more, especially equal rights of custody to our young daughter that he will be passive aggressive towards if she finds any fault in him. I have already witnessed him be passive aggressive towards her because she doesn’t give him as much attention. It’s just sickening. I have cried and whaled into my pillow At the thought of not seeing my daughter everydaY. But my only other choice is living with someone who will never change, no matter how much counseling he has, he can manipulate anyone into his belief system. He will always control all of the money coming in and his 501 K ans I will never have a say in this marriage. I don’t feel like I have options right now. I am lost and just sad. I have never lied to my husband and family, I have never stolen money from them, and I have never betrayed them or cheated them. I just would never treat anyone that way. But hey, I am the bad lesson because I am honest, and I call people out on their lies and I call my husbands family out for treating me terribly. I am a bad person for demanding that my husband require his family to show me respect. But he won’t. I truly believe the only reason he isn’t gambling is because he has no credit. He does still take money from his family and I have no way of knowing for sure how much he gets or if he is gambling. Several nights a week he says he has to go back to the office and work in something. My gut feels like that is a lie. He is an attorney and I am sure he is being dishonest. He either has another woman or he is gambling. I know I need an attorney, but I am terrified. How does anyone get out of this?? 

[dunc]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

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You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

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[velvet]

Hi Momo
I hear in your husband’s threat to meet with a divorce attorney a classic compulsive gambler’s threat. I believe that he knows he will cause you to be in so much fear for the future of your children that you will be deflected from the real issue in hand. You ‘know’ you are not to blame but he is a bully Momo and he has you running scared.
Of course, that is an assumption and assuming anything with a compulsive gambler runs a risk but if it is at all possible, I hope you will ignore what is just words today and focus on your own health and whatever your children are doing today. If he brings you down then you will not be able to help yourself or your children.
I would never say to anybody that they should leave or that they should stay with a compulsive gambler. What I do believe is that when confronted with a situation like this it is important to stand still and gain as much knowledge as you can about the addiction your husband owns because knowledge will give you power over it.
I think at the moment you are feeling powerless but you are not. You are the mother of children, you are their role model, their security and their future. I can think of little else that is more powerful.
With regard to his family – they probably do know that your husband has an addiction but how much easier it is to blame you and have you take the blame, than to accept the truth. Look at those who are judging you and decide for yourself if their opinions really matter – I suggest, they do not.
When people are determined to find fault with you and judge you regardless of the truth, the only way to win, is not to play the game.
Compulsive gambler do lie, they lie to those around them and to themslves to hide their addiction because if they accept they are compulsive they will have to take responsibility for their poor behaviour and that they do not want to do.
Do you have support from your family and friends? Have you lost friends and interests because of your husband’s addiction? If you have then stand still and take stock – we can only live one day at a time, we cannot change the past but we can change ourselves.
I have many more things I would like to say to you but I know myself when I first found out what had been hurting me for 25 years I could not take it all in at once.
You can live out of the shadow of the addiction to gamble Momo – just for today, think of yourself and how important you are to you children. You probably will not believe this but you are stronger than your husband’s addiction, you are a mother and mothers have backbones of steel. Sometime mothers can find they are bent with the problem of another but you will straighten up again because as you so rightly say, you have been honest and you have done nothing wrong.
One final thing Momo – a compulsive gambler is the master of threats but you are not. Never threaten anything you know you cannot carry through or want to carry through. Tit for Tat is not good.
Keep posting, you have done really well writing this post
Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Thank you Velvet. Your response made me cry, but a lot makes me cry, haha!!

I’m having a really hard time. I am going to try and meet with an attorney this week. My dad believes me, and isn’t surprised and just says my husband is bluffing, but I wouldn’t mind having him out of my life, but I want my kids to live with me. I know he will have visitation, but I just can’t have them living with him. He is not changed in any way through his “counseling” if he is even really going. I just can’t see him being focused on Them like they need. It is all overwhelming. Just realizing things that were lies that I didn’t know were lies. And listening to him tell new lies is really hard. He believes and says he can stop gambling anytime and that he just has a few bad years. So he is miraculously cured now and not gambling. Well, how would I know?? I feel like I have been a good person. He says that I’m rude in front of my kids and when I say “I am not rude” he tells me to look it up in the dictionary. My own family is many hours away and old. They can’t really help me. I have a few friends, but not a lot I can lean on. He has a lot of brothers and sisters and for years I have wondered why they were so rude to me. His father was a gambling addict before liver disease disabled him. I had no idea they thought I was the problem. I always told my husband he should not take money from his parents or siblings. I never understood why he needed to get money from them. It always bothered me. No one in my family was a drinker or a gambler, so I feel I was naive. I had no idea this was a real thing. I just thought he was selfish. He is an attorney, so I fear a lot of things. I feel like my son is angry with me, and his dad has no plans of accepting any responsibility for any arguments We have had. I am not composed. I am happier when he moves out and stays with his parents, but the last six months he has refused to leave. I feel like he has some “strategy” that he has already planned out. Just drive me crazy and make me look like a mad woman. He messes up things in the house and does the opposite of everything I ask. He controls all of the finances and would never give up any of it. He would never let me take over paying bills or the bank accounts. I mean if you really admit having an addiction isn’t that just a given? It is definitely an unhealthy place for all of us. I will may  feel better or even worse when I speak to an attorney. It may make it worse for me, I don’t know. All I do know is that he believes he is some victim. He believes his family, and that I am the problem. This is a 46 year old man that still uses his moms gas card to buy 100% of ALL of his gas. Even when his company pays his expenses. He uses his mom’s gas credit card. His parents pay for all of his car repairs. They give him a Walmart card to use. All the while, me and the kids get whatever scraps he leaves in the banK account. He swears he doesn’t  lie. He says “I made a few mistakes.” Ugh. I am so tired of it all. 

[velvet]

Hi Momo

The more lies a person tells, the more they lose reality – lies consume their memories until lies become their truth. It happens with many compulsive gamblers.

How old is your son Momo? Children sadly do not understand and often think that their parents should be able to sort out every problem – it is only as adults that we realise that nothing is ever that simple. The nature of the addiction to gamble is secretive and divisive which your young son could not possibly understand; he is probably directing his anger towards the person he feels is strongest, the one he feels can protect him and that is you.

I can imagine how difficult to is for you to deal with an attorney who appears to have a strategy in place for disrupting your life so I hope you will get an attorney who will be understanding of your position – can any of your friends recommend one?

From what you say, it would appear, that your husband is not receiving counselling; if he is then he is not listening to any advice. A dedicated addiction counsellor would disabuse him completely from using his mother’s gas card, which is blatant enablement.

I am not opting out but I cannot tell you what to do. It is important that you make your own decisions for your future when you are seeking to recover from a bad experience. You are aware now about what is hurting you and as I have said before you are stronger than you think you are and stronger than your husbasnd’s addiction.  . Make a pact with yourself not to be diminished or laid waste with fear and you will make the right decisions for you and your children.

I suggest that it is good to keep a journal of your husband’s behaviour – a lot of what you have written in your first posts is an excellent start. It helps when seeing an attorney to know what it is that ‘you’ want and what you do not want.

My thoughts are with you

Speak soon 

Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Its so nice to know that someone agrees that a committed  addiction counselor would tell my husband to change almost everything when it comes to control of money and using his parents credit cards. 

He will not give up control of any finances. To me that is saying to the world “What gambling problem?” 

I would really like to now how things go in court when you are actually divorcing a gambling addict. 

My son is 16 and my daughter is 11. 

I need to know, am I losing the house, can I have the kids live mostly with me. I just feel like it should help me financially to get a divorce and not have him in charge of all the money anymore. I just want to hear other‘s experience. 

Thank you Velvet! You are helping me so much!! 

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I am sorry but I am unable to give legal advice such as what you could expect to happen if you divorce your husband.
I think that the only way you can get the answers you need is to see a lawyer and I believe the more evidence you have to show, the better.
In my opinion, keeping a journal of your husband’s poor behaviour is good when you are considering going down the legal path – your thread, so far, would be an excellent starting point for a journal. It is easy to forget incidents, I think, especially when there are so many. Writing things down can often get confusing thoughts to stop swirling round in your brain but please keep the journal in a safe place.
I think that it is important that you find a lawyer who understands addiction and is not likely to be discombobulated by a manipulative gambler, especially a compulsive gambler who is also an attorney.
I hope you will keep me updated Momo, your situation concerns me very much and I wish I could give you better answers. If only there was a magic pill to cure addiction but unfortunately, they do not exist.
One of my favourite quotes is ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results’ – Mahatma Gandi. You are doing well Momo
As Ever
Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Hi Velvet, 

I met with an attorney. He seemed great, but needs a big retainer, and I don’t have the money.  I am going to meet with others and maybe  one of them will let me pay as I go. I am trying to reach out to my father for help, but he is 75 and has to care for my mom, so he can’t do much. 

The attorney had some good points. 

1. This is all normal for my husband‘s  family and they have learned to support it because their dad has done it. 

2. He could be sanctioned by the judge when he hears  about how my husband has treated creditors and lied to creditors to avoid paying Credit cards. The attorney says he should have known better because he is an officer of the court. 

3. my husband will probably file bankruptcy when I file for divorce.  

4. I will have to prove the gambling. 

5. I am in a bad situation. 

6. All of the money he has taken from family could he considered income. And none of it has benefitted me or the kids. It’s onky going to him. 

7. Since I was in a meeting with my husband and a bankruptcy attorney to see if my husband should file ch. 13, the divorce attorney could use the notes from that meeting in our divorce. The attorney did not represent me. I’m not sure how that all works. 

8. I need to get all the money for myself together that I can because I will be cut off from money when I file. 

This is terrifying. I have no money. 

That attornet seemed confident he knew what to do, but this is not your average opponent. And he wasn’t aware of the state sponsored gambling addiction treatment  our state offers. I just don’t if anyone is really well versed in this type of situation. 

Just in the last month my husbands family has given him over $2,000 dollars, that I have been told about. He had car repairs, and we were negative in our accounts. He just keeps getting money from his parents to pay his bills but there is never money for Bills in my name. 

I noticed the other day some place settings of our collectible

flatware are missing. If I say anything about it to him, he will just say ”It wasn’t me”, but how do 4 place settings just go missing.

Who knows what happened to that.

We have no money in the bank we are always negative.

It makes zero sense. He isn’t paying very many of our bills but we keep having less and less money. Now 600 dollars a month is going to pay unpaid taxes. But yet he still acts like our problems are because of my debts. I only have debt because he never left enough money in the bank for Me and the children to meet our needs. 

I told the attorney that I have been forced to live off of credit. I take care of the kids needs and food needs with credit. My Husband acts like he has nothing to do with me living on credit. 

I just can’t understand his need to control all of our finances and not allow me to pay the bills. I  paid the bills when he lived with his parents for a couple of weeks before Christma. I found lots of money available. He takes the bills from the house, so I don’t even have my statements,  Or his statements to look at. He is cleaning the slate for his credit and I know when he does that he will start gambling again.He doesn’t admit gambking is a problem for him. He keeps saying he just made a few mistakes. Still thinks he is smarter than anyone else, and he has no problem. He just says our problem is “we have a lot of debt”. 

I asked my husband today, did you really go to actual gambling counseling? Did you get counseling for fhat or did you say it was for something else? 

He says he actually had counseling for gambling. I just feel like it was for nothing. He acts way worse now. Who knows if he’s gambling? He has access to all of our money and retirement and credit cards. I have zero control over any of it. 

I suppose I need to copy bank records and ask for credit card statements. But none of his credit cards are in my name. I just don’t know exactly how to document it all. 

I have a great friend that has been a therapist for almost 20 years. She has helped me think through some things. I feel that my husband has so many enablers in his family that  he cannot see himself Clearly. Or maybe he just diesnt want to.

While I was listening to our daughter tell me how badly  she needs clothes (she has hit her pre-teen growth spurt) and our son needs new shoes, my husband sends me a message saying he has planned a four day vacation with his guy friends. 

He hasn’t taken his kids on a trip in two years, or found a way to pay off back taxes and debts, but hey he is planning a guys trip. Most of his guy trips in the past were to gambling destinations. I told him no more trips because it was unfair to the kids and me for him to have all of these “guy trips, hunting every single season trips, fishing trips, camping trips,  bachelor parties“. He stopped for a long time, but now he is planning trips again. This one he says is a fishing trip. It doesn’t matter what type of trip it is supposed to be. He will use it a s a four day weekend to get as drunk as he can while being away from us.  He has been on hunting trips where he got so drink he fell into a bon-fire and burned his hand. On another trip he badly cut his friend with his knife by being careless. It was embarrassing. 

I just cannot have a lot of sympathy or compassion for this person. He would tell me all of the time when I confronted him about gambling that I had no compassion. It made me feel bad, but I just had more concern for my kids. Plus I’m just done with the chaos that he has brought to our lives.

We have never had stable finances, since we were first married. I gave up a great teaching job that  I loved because I needed to make more money And provide health benef for us. He was working with his dad and wasn’t making any money. I wound up teaching in a terrible school for more money, and I hated it. I didn’t want to teach after that. 

I feel like I have given up so much of my life for someone that just  uses people for what he can get out of them. 

He claims he has to “go to work” every night of the week, and he stays out til 1 or 2 AM. I just dont believe anything he says

How can I? 

I hope I have the strength to get through all of this, and I hope I have a home and my kids with me in the end. 

I am searching for a job, so I can have money to pay the bills and take care of my family on my own. And hopefully I will be able to pay the really expensive attorney Fees. 

[velvet]

Dear Momo

I have read your post so many times and I grieve that I cannot help you more but I hope you appreciate I cannot give legal advice.

I really hope you can find a great attorney who is not asking for such a big retainer. The one you have spoken to has made some good points and has not led you to believe that things will be easy but I hope that good will overcome for you because you deserve it.

I hope you will keep using this site as a place to come and off-load, knowing that you will always be heard and understood. If there is anything I can ever say to you to make things easier for you I will do my best to oblige. Don’t bottle your emotions up, you are safe here.

Don’t waste your energy trying to make sense of compulsive gambling because there is no sense to be found. Keep your energy for you and your children.

You have the words of this attorney to help you, I hope you will know that you have this site to support and care about you. There is a wonderful life waiting for you when you come out of the shadow of your husband’s addiction and I hope that you will still be posting when you emerge into the sunlight, so that I can share your relief.

You are stronger than his addiction Momo, you are logical and reasonable and not clouded by distorted thinking so please look after yourself and keep yourself occupied with good things. Don’t let his addiction and poor behaviour bring you down; you and your children are worth so much more.

Speak soon.

Thinking about you

As ever

Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Velvet, 

do you have a place where you have told your story? 

I would like to read or hear it. I think it would help me. 

I read your responses again and again because they help me calm the chaos. Thank you. I have cried a lot lately and feel so scared and worried And alone. I do have friends, but I don’t want to drain them. It’s been so hard because even my own brother didn’t believe me about my husband. My brother loves me and yet he still didn’t believe me until I had many conversations with my dad about my situation begging for support mentally, and begging them to visit me. 

I feel more hopeful about the attorney situation. I have an old high school friend whose husband is an attorney that may help me. 

I have been avoiding my husband as much as possible. I used to try and explain my hurt to him and how terrible it was that his family blames me, and how he shouldn’t have any control of our finances, but I realized after the billionth time, I might as well talk to a wall. I keep to myself, I am working on getting money for an attorney, and getting some cushion for when I file and looking for a job. I’m praying, I have neighbors praying, and I am focusing on the best happening. I have always said “I deserve better and the kids deserve better”. And we do. 

I don’t know exactly how to prepare my children, and I don’t know exactly how to explain what is happening. They are old enough to know their dad had/has  a gambling problem, but they don’t and won’t know for a long time the mental anguish that caused and all the stress it brought to our lives. That will all affect them for years to come. 

My husband scares me because he has lied to everyone we know. Everyone we  know always liked him better than me. He convinces people pretty easily as an attorneY. I am just a mom, so who would listen to me? I just have my gut feelings and a few bank statements. And my prayers that I get back to a normal life without anxiety and fear. I feel people always liked him better but Maybe that was because I was always the “sober” unfun person. I always had to be “on duty”. I always thought what if the kids needed something in the middle of the night and he was drunk, I would have to be the one to drive. He never felt the need to worry about that. 

Everyday is a new day for him. Like nothing ever happened. Like he feels no worries and no remorse. It’s shocking to me and I have never understood it. 

Anyway, Velvet, I would love to hear your story. 

Thank you! 

Momo

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Velvet, 

do you have a place where you have told your story? 

I would like to read or hear it. I think it would help me. 

I read your responses again and again because they help me calm the chaos. Thank you. I have cried a lot lately and feel so scared and worried And alone. I do have friends, but I don’t want to drain them. It’s been so hard because even my own brother didn’t believe me about my husband. My brother loves me and yet he still didn’t believe me until I had many conversations with my dad about my situation begging for support mentally, and begging them to visit me. 

I feel more hopeful about the attorney situation. I have an old high school friend whose husband is an attorney that may help me. 

I have been avoiding my husband as much as possible. I used to try and explain my hurt to him and how terrible it was that his family blames me, and how he shouldn’t have any control of our finances, but I realized after the billionth time, I might as well talk to a wall. I keep to myself, I am working on getting money for an attorney, and getting some cushion for when I file and looking for a job. I’m praying, I have neighbors praying, and I am focusing on the best happening. I have always said “I deserve better and the kids deserve better”. And we do. 

I don’t know exactly how to prepare my children, and I don’t know exactly how to explain what is happening. They are old enough to know their dad had/has  a gambling problem, but they don’t and won’t know for a long time the mental anguish that caused and all the stress it brought to our lives. That will all affect them for years to come. 

My husband scares me because he has lied to everyone we know. Everyone we  know always liked him better than me. He convinces people pretty easily as an attorneY. I am just a mom, so who would listen to me? I just have my gut feelings and a few bank statements. And my prayers that I get back to a normal life without anxiety and fear. I feel people always liked him better but Maybe that was because I was always the “sober” unfun person. I always had to be “on duty”. I always thought what if the kids needed something in the middle of the night and he was drunk, I would have to be the one to drive. He never felt the need to worry about that. 

Everyday is a new day for him. Like nothing ever happened. Like he feels no worries and no remorse. It’s shocking to me and I have never understood it. 

Anyway, Velvet, I would love to hear your story. 

Thank you! 

Momo

[velvet]

Dear Momo
I spent a long time last night composing a reply to you but my time has run out and I can’t finish it – I am going away for 10 days and the car is laden and waiting. I will send you a little of what I have already written and when I return I will write again
Please don’t ever think of yourself as ‘just a mother’ again; take another look at yourself, you have the important job of raising children and you are doing it without the emotional support that you deserve. You have tried to be a good wife to someone who his obviously very selfish and who has a gambling addiction – that to me sounds like a brave woman struggling in a world that she did not sign up to.
When we lose our self-esteem because we have allowed ourselves to be squashed by a bad experience, it is easy to assume that we are not liked – we feel that we are lesser people than we should be. If we are not feeling bright, witty and in control of our lives then it follows that we will think that those around us see us as sober and unfun – we forget how we felt when our confidence was high and the future shone bright. Living with an addiction to gamble can destroy self-esteem and confidence but it does not have to be irrevocable – it is within your power, as it was in mine, to turn your bad experience into something good.
Look after yourself
As Ever
Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Thanis, enjoy your time away! 

I look forward to hearing from you! 

Momo

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult time trying to get your brother to believe you. The addiction to gamble is divisive and depends on secrecy which makes it is almost impossible, in my opinion, for those who have not lived with it day in and day out, to understand what it is like to do so.
I hope you have better news regarding your old high school friend’s husband, you really need legal advice, which I cannot give.
It is so frustrating to talk to a wall – I hope that by avoiding confrontations with your husband you are feeling more in control of your life and less in the eye of the storm?
As long as your husband does not accept his addiction and consequent poor behaviour then he can convince himself that every day is a new day and nothing ever happened; sticking his head in the sand is the easiest way for him to avoid taking responsibility.
I lived with the addiction to gamble for 25 years Momo and for 23 of them I was unaware what the problem was. I believed that provided I kept showing love, then love would conquer all – it didn’t work. It is with knowledge that we eventually make the right decisions for ourselves and retake control of our lives. You are aware of what is hurting you and your children and you are able to do the right thing for you and for them – and from what I am reading you are already doing the right things.
I think that it is important to use a bad, past experience as a reference to help the future but it is equally important not to dwell in that past. Making something good out of something bad seems to me to be a kick in the teeth of addiction and that pleases me. I believe, it is often a mother’s lot to be ‘on duty’ but your children will have benefited from you being strong – and I do mean strong, not sober and unfun!
When you feel you are not part of the in-crowd, it is possibly time to look at the most important relationship of all – the one you have with yourself. I also think it is important to look at those who make you feel unloved and ask yourself if their opinion really matters – are they so much in control of their lives and happiness that you would like to be like them? – I think not.
Given time you will be able to release the fun-side of Momo that I am sure exists but has been squashed by circumstances.
I look forward to hearing from you – you are a unique and special person so believe in yourself.
Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Hi Velvet,
I don’t know if this is the place to ask, but how do I do a live group? Is that something that works on the phone or do I have to log in with a computer?
I would also like to hear your story. Can I send you an email?
Thanks!
Momo

[velvet]

Hi Momo
Log in as you have done to post here but click on ‘Support group’ when the group is live. Times are on the home page.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I am back and hoping that things are better with you and that you managed to find one of our F&F groups.
There is a group tonight, Tuesday 10th at 22.00 hours UK time – it would be great to ‘meet’ you – the next one is on Thursday 12th at the same time.
Emails are not encouraged but I can (and do) answer more easily in a private group – so please join me and ask away. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I tried using my phone when I was away to log in etc but I found it far more difficult than using a computer – at least this way I have the ability to read and re-read anything I write before I send, thus hopefully, omitting some of the typos.
You can always contact our Helpline if the times for the groups don’t suit you– it is one to one and safe.
I have thought a lot about the point you made about being left out of the in-crowd. I was in a ukulele band until recently but became disillusioned when the leader’s idea of wit sank to stereo-typical sexist and ageist remarks. Within the band there are young ladies and senior citizens who put up with his so-called humour because they don’t feel they can speak out without fear of being ridiculed by the ‘man-in-charge who holds the microphone’. For those in the ‘in-crowd’ who don’t mind, or care it is easier to join in the laughter and ignore those of their number who are having their confidence knocked. It isn’t easy to walk away from emotional abuse, from the man at the front who holds the microphone but sometimes we have to walk away for our own sanity, we have to stand up for ourselves and recognise that we have unique qualities that nobody has the right to disparage. You don’t belong in a crowd where you are overlooked and belittled.
How have you got on with your friend’s lawyer husband?
You are in my thoughts
Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Thanks for letting me know about the group. I’ll have to figure out what time that is here. Hopefully I can join.
I didn’t have luck with my friend and her husband who is an attorney. He is not a skilled divorce attorney, so I’m still looking for one who I can afford and that is experienced.
I have told my husband that by denying me access to money he is forcing me to stay married. He says I can leave anytime and I can get a job and pay for it myself. He isn’t leaving the house because it’s his home. It’s my home too in ownership, but divorced people do not live together. It will cost me a lot of money to pay an attorney and force him out. I can’t and would never leave my children and just move out with nothing. Even if I had a better paying job than I have right now.
He completely believes that I just have “issues”. That he has done nothing, he isn’t emotionally and financially abusive and me accusing him is absolutely absurd. His family putting me down means nothing, I’m just “holding a grudge” and can’t move past anything.
So, talking to him, anything he has done is just nothing. You would think I am asking for a divorce because he got a speeding ticket. That I’m just a crazy person. I don’t even speak to him unless I absolutely have to. I avoid him at all costs. I don’t want him here or anywhere around me. I don’t fight with him, or try to get him to see my side of the story. That would be pointless.
In all of this, the thing that bothers me the most is him letting himself off the hook for the past 20 years with “I didn’t do anything intentionally to hurt you.” But yet, he denies that he has any further problems with addiction or gambling. I don’t see how you can claim to have an addiction illness and not cause harm intentionally, but then be totally miraculously cured and just suddenly say “that’s in the past we don’t need to discuss that anymore”. After I confronted him, the next day, he was cured and didn’t need meetings or counseling. I told him I wanted out and he decided to go to a meeting. But he didn’t “belong”. He didn’t have a problem. But yet all the losses and debt and misery he caused wasn’t intentional. I don’t get it. Why does it matter if it’s intentional or not? The problem is that he is cruel to me. Blaming me for everything. He never takes the blame for this relationship ending. He tells me I’m a horrible person for wanting a divorce. But I don’t see it that way. I see me protecting our kids from multi-generational addiction and abuse issues. But it’s still hard to be told that I am the one who has “issues”.
This is life with a narcissistic gambling addict.
I hope someday I can be happy and that my children will understand.

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I appreciate that it doesn’t really make any difference whether his cruelty towards you is deliberate or not – the fact that you are hurting and being hurt, is surely enough. Whether he meant to hurt you or not is a moot point. As a compulsive gambler he will be hurting his inner self deeply, every time he gambles, without deliberately doing so.
In some relationship there is a possibility that hurting will be deliberate but, in my opinion, this is within the personality of the person and not a direct consequence of the addiction to gamble. A man capable of emotional abuse will be abusive whether he develops the addiction to gamble or not. Successful treatment for the addiction will not make such a man less abusive.
Your husband cannot admit his behaviour is poor because to do so is to take responsibility for his actions and he is obviously neither ready nor willing to do so.
There is no cure for the addiction to gamble but it can be controlled. Your lives have been wrecked by debt and misery but your husband is in denial so it follows, in his distorted mind, that it must be your fault. If you are horrible then it stands to reason that his gambling is not to blame.
Believe in yourself Momo, don’t go down the path of thinking that you are responsible for his addiction because of some non-existent issues. We all have foibles, none of us are perfect but the addiction to gamble is a destroyer of relationships and you are not to blame.
Do you have a Gam-Anon group near you, it might help to share with others who are experiencing similar problems – it is often good to physically sit with others and share a box of tissues. I hope you find an attorney soon who can support you in the way that you need supporting.
I found it helpful to keep a journal where I wrote my true feelings and listed the many incidents of poor behaviour; it wasn’t a grammatical, it was riddled with language that I never use but it helped me to get some of the anger out of my brain that was swirling around without an outlet. I never showed it to anyone, it was never meant to be shown to anyone. When my CG took control of his addiction and more importantly when I re-took control of my life, I destroyed the pages one at a time and knew that I would never again allow an addiction to hurt me.
I really believe that one day you will be happy because I know that once I felt as you do and I came out the other side.
Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

I haven’t written in a while. I have been feeling so down and completely hopeless. I gave every penny I had (most borrowed from friends and family) to a divorce attorney.
He quit because my retainer ran out. I never even got in front of a judge for a temporary order.
I have zero spousal or child support and no way to pay a new attorney, and no way to ou the bills from my previous attorney on top of what I paid for a retainer.
My husband is a gambling addict and an attorney, so he has held me hostage in this marriage. He refuses to move out of the house and let me start over.
He made sure to tell my children “your mother filed for divorce”. As if I had any choice.
I can’t understand how I am in a position of defending myself when this person ruined our lives financially and has been a pathological liar about everything for over 20 years.
He literally blames me for every single thing that has gone wrong in his life including his daughter not even wanting to go get ice cream with him. It’s all my fault.
Truthfully, I have thought about suicide. I am so unhappy and in pain. I just want the pain and anxiety to stop. I can’t see myself ever being free or happy.
I love my children so much, but having this mentally ill person in my life has brought me to my knees. I don’t understand why he just can’t move on and let me heal.
I have to see him every day, and have all of the awkwardness around my kids.
I have been deprived of legal representation because he is financially abusive towards me.
I buy food with an EBT SNAP benefits card from the government. My husband never leaves enough money in our account for the needs of myself and my children.
When I think about how much he gambled away and what he deprived my children from having. For example, my friends got together and gave me money and gift cards for Christmas. I used some of that money for my sons 17th birthday. My dad had paid for my daughters dance shoes and clothes.
My friends have bought my children clothing and paid for them to go to an amusement park before school started. I have been getting charity. My husband has had two raises totaling 25% of his salary and a bonus and yet, I have nothing and couldn’t pay my attorneys most recent bills so he quit.
I have reached my bottom limit.
I will have to hire a new attorney.
I feel like there is no way out. I have another job interview on Friday. I hope it turns into something. I have nothing. I am ready to just move on. I just can’t believe this is my life.

[velvet]

Dear Momo

I have been thinking about you so much since I read your latest post.

You have taken the initiative and applied for and received, an interview for a job because you are ready to move on – that to me is a woman with strength and I applaud you. I hope the interview went well but regardless of the result, I believe, you are doing what is right for you and right for your children.

I love to read that you have friends who got together and helped you at Christmas –you must be very special to have such friends.

I think that maybe it is best just to accept that this man is not willing to let you move on for whatever reason. Trying to make sense of his senseless behaviour will wear you out; you will probably never get an answer, so conserve your energy for yourself, your children and the future you all deserve.

Hold your head up every day and know that ‘you’ can change things, that you are stronger than his addiction – that he cannot break you unless you allow him to do so.

I hope the following link will lead you to some ‘on the ground’ support. I am constantly aware that I cannot advise you on legal matters –

https://www.smartrecoveryillinois.org/family-friends

I will leave this post, for now, with the Serenity Prayer, said at the close of all Gam-Anon meetings; it joins those of us who have been affected by the addiction to gamble together, whilst reminding us that we have the ability and power to make a difference –

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Have courage Momo, I look forward to the day when you ‘will’ join me as you declare, – ‘Wow, this wonderful gamble-free life is my new reality and I did it.

As Ever

Velvet

[Meghna83]

Momo I have been following your posts and had wondered how you were since the last entry you made.

I am a compulsive gambler myself and only realised it last year when I lost a lot of my savings following having my first child. Before that, gambling was not part of my life. I was a good saver and my husband trusted me with our finances (rightly so at that time)

I felt your pain with every word you wrote about your struggles financially and emotionally as a wife and mother and individual . I pray that God answers your prayers and directs you in your search for freedom from your struggles. I hope your children can be a comfort to you and realise what a strong and wise woman you are. I hope they can, one day, help you be free of your husband who is clearly causing you immense pain.

Suicide is never an option and please please let that pass as you would a horrifying thought which crosses one’s mind. Your life can be and will be beautiful. “This time shall pass” believe that. Each day will be different. Change will come and hopefully for the better. Please give your life a chance it deserves.

I wish there was something I could do to alleviate your pain and help you. It might sound strange from a recovering CG. I know the damage gambling can do and I wish to never deny the damage I did and the danger that gambling puts me and my family in. I have two babies myself and the shame and regret I feel is overwhelming, to this very day. I never wish to gamble again and pray that god keeps my mind at peace and away from G.

Please keep posting and letting us know what you are thinking and feeling. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you 

Meg 

[velvet]

Hi Momo
I am not sure you are still reading the forum but in the hope that you are, I am sending this message across the ocean to say that you might be out of sight, but you are not out of mind.
Please update
I am hoping upon hope that things have improved for you
As Ever
Velvet

[Momoftwogreatkids]

Well, the darkness felt like it was surroundinb me and  going to get more and more dark, and now I’m starting to see glimmers of light. 
Small glimmers of hope. I don’t cry everyday anymore, yay! 

I found a new attorney that is much cheaper, and seems to pay a lot more attention. I still have to deal with my husband legally being allowed to live in the same house even though he can afford to live somewhere else, or with family. 
He is as manipulative as ever. He forced  me into bankruptcy. I will have to file, but I can’t afford the attorney for that right now. He went against the judges orders of “keeping the status quo” and continuing to  pay all of the bills. I don’t know how he gets away with all of it. But there is nothing I can do. 
my children know about the divorce, and they seem fine with it. I felt like it was a relief  to them. It helped my heart that they acted like it wasn’t a bad thing, but of course my soon to be ex, tries to terrify them about it and blame me for it continuously. I am thankful for my friends being strong for me, and for my family helping me with what they could. 
my attorney wants me to go to free domestic violence counseling (even though I don’t have physical abuse, I have suffered great mental, financial, and emotional abuse.) I never realized there was any real help for me at all. 
So I guess it’s a blessing that the old attorney quit. 
I have been turning a corner recently. Even though there is a global pandemic, I have started talking to an old friend from college years. He makes me laugh so much. I can’t even remember laughing like that in years. We haven’t seen each other in person, just talked On the phone. Who knows what can happen with that, but it’s just nice to have a new friend,  if anything. He said when the pandemic hopefull’y eases more that we can go to dinner. He was a really kind person that I met my freshman year of college and we have enjoyed talking about just life and where we have been since then. 
Hopefully my case will progress soon and I can say I’m finally divorced and financially starting over. I had another job interview this week, and hopefully I will get this one and start June 1. So far my family has been safe from the pandemic. I hope it stays that way!! I hope all of you are safe as well. 
I am Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I was in a really bad place and I just didn’t have anything good or positive to say.
I don’t know  exactly what has brought me through this darkness. I think partly this group, new friends, my sweet neighbors and girlfriend, my family, and my hope that I can have a life after this. I’ve finally accepted that I will have to start over 100% financially. That was really devastating for me. But I’m alive and I’m healthy and I am starting to believe I can get through it. Thank you for checking on me!! It means the world!! Stay safe in the pandemic!! All the best, Momo

[velvet]

Dear Momo
How good to hear from you, I experienced both immense sadness and heart-warming hope reading your post. That feeling of hope is now at the forefront of my mind.
I hope you will be able to speak to a domestic violence counsellor; I think it would help you and yes, you have been and are, emotionally abused and the wounds are deep.
I am so pleased that you have found a friend; I found a friend at a similar point in my life too and our very special friendship lasted for years, although sadly he died a few years ago. I think we need friends to help us kick open the door and let the light in on our darkness, allowing us to see a future we had forgotten to believe in
I hope that you get the job that you want and that you are soon free to enjoy your life again. Your health is so important to the well-being of your children. Your children sound great, I think they often see and hear more than they are given credit for.
I look forward to hearing from you again soon as you move upward and onward – I will leave this post with something I learned after my divorce and that is that, once you have plumbed the depths of despair, you can really know the heights of happiness.
I think, you are beginning to believe that you are stronger than this man’s addiction and manipulation and that is as it should be.
As Ever Momo and this time, more than ever, with a burgeoning feeling of hope
Velvet

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