7 February 2017 at 11:40 am #5493Ladyace32Participant
This is the 4th time he’s broken my trust in two years and I control all the money but he’s still able to get loans and credit cards from his family and has run up a massive debt again.
Iv tried the hard approach and stern approach so now iv decided to do the supporting approach .
Is it bad to threaten with separation if it happens again.
I find myself preparing for the next t time. Is this wrong. I’m I doing him more damage.
I’m so confused and he’s telling me how to deal with his problem. But I can’t trust anything he’s saying to me.
Any help very much appreciated x7 February 2017 at 1:16 pm #5494lilyParticipant
Hi Ladyace, I read your post and I can fully relate to your sense of turmoil and confusion. It is great that you have found this forum and are taking steps to get support for YOU.
This is an incredibly hard situation and your husband is fortunate to have your support. I would agree that threatening to leave is not the answer, from experience I would say never make an ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry it through.
Is your husband undergoing any therapy and treatment at the moment? It is a really positive thing that he admits the problem this is a great start and a glimmer of hope but this addiction is a very complex and difficult one and he will need professional help and support if he is not getting it already.
I would strongly advise you to tighten the reins further on the money for your own sake. Ideally he would only have a small allowance for day to day things like petrol with no access to bank accounts ect.
Once you have secured the finances and he is seeking help there really is not much more you can do for him and it is time to look after you. this is also the very best thing you can do for him. Knowing you are ok and when/if he slips you are in a strong place emotionally and financially it will help him not to spiral into guilt. Guilt and shame are ironically some of the biggest driving forces in Compulsive gambling. It is a vicious circle of gambling, feeling guilty and worthless and so gambling to escape that feeling.
So Take time for yourself, don’t let your own life, family or work suffer, try to live in the moment and not worry to much about what he is up to (yes I do know how hard this is), do not let the addiction ruin your life as well as his.
After he has had a gambling binge, you need to ask what steps he is going to take to make it different in the future not for apologies. Offer support for making a change (ie seeking help, looking honestly at his problems) not for gambling.
The last thing I would say from my own experience and something I have to say I did not succeed in is try not to allow the relationship become all about the gambling, Remember the man you fell in love with, spend time together and talk about other things as much as possible. Remind him and yourself why what you have is worth saving.
I hope some of this helps. It will be a long hard road, there are no quick fixes, only you know whether you can hang on in there for the journey or whether a point will come when you have had enough but I guarantee you the more you look after you and feed yourself the better placed you will be to make those decisions as you go along and be able to feel sure of them.
These are only my views based on my experience and I am sure you will get many and varied replies from all the wonderful people on this forum as I did. Take what feels right for you from it and never be afraid to post what you are truly feeling, bye for now, Lily x7 February 2017 at 5:10 pm #5495velvetModerator
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
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