25 January 2020 at 7:24 pm #7042ValleyParticipant
Hi family , am really struggling with anger towards my dad. I thought I had forgiven him long time ago but sometimes when I look at him all that rage comes back to me. I feel like am stuck in quick sand. His gambling for the last 20 years has affected me so badly I don’t even know how I would even begin to pick up the pieces. When I was younger whenever he went on a binge my mom would totally lose it and take it out on us , the kids. I have lived through the screaming matches, the fights and my dad just laughes about it.
Not to tell you my whole life story cause you guys just met me lol
Any advice on how I start to forgive him.26 January 2020 at 7:21 am #7043duncParticipant
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team28 January 2020 at 8:37 am #7044MomoftwogreatkidsParticipant
I wish I knew the answer to that, but this forum has helped me immensely. I have a husband that has lied and gambled for our entire marriage of 20 years. I have a lot of anger, but I mostly take it out on him or just cry when I’m alone. I can’t imagine being a child in this situation. I had an amazing father that didn’t even drink or gamble. I feel bad for my children that they have to live through this chaos. I try so hard not to fight him and be angry about the situation we face in front of them, but it’s so hard. It is an anger that tears us apart. I think it’s their lack of understanding about what it does to those affected. Or maybe their inability to deal with the enormity of the damage they have caused. I am sorry your mom took it out on you. It definitely had nothing to do with you. It’s an adult problem and not a kid problem, but it’s such a terrible problematic situation.
I’m sure your mother was probably hanging on by a thread. It is so stressful to think you could lose your home or suddenly be responsible for saving your entire family financially. The gambling addict gets away with it and can say “it wasn’t intentional”, so you must have compassion for them. But let’s be real, that is really hard to do when it’s such a betrayal and so hard to deal with something so difficult that wasn’t chosen by us or for us. It was selfish of your dad, and selfish of my husband to lack empathy and understanding for us. We deserve that. You deserve all the best. Just come to this group and rage on about what really hurt you. It’s something some people need to process what has happened to them. I know I need it and it does help to know you are not alone. 🙂28 January 2020 at 4:43 pm #7045velvetModerator
Anger is so painful isn’t it? Sadly, we hurt ourselves more than the person we feel the anger towards when we harbour it.
Many years ago, a member posted the following which I think is worth repeating
. • Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.
• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.
• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.
• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.
• Forgiveness isn’t easy.
You have had a horrible time and I am not seeking to suggest that your father’s behaviour towards you was anything but insensitive, uncaring and unfeeling. You deserved better.. However it may help to know that your father is not a happy man, he won’t like who he is and he would not have wanted or asked for his addiction.
Having said all that, I know there is a lot in between the lines of your post that you have not written and I can imagine it is incredibly hard not to feel anger. Do you have any relationship now with your mother and if so, have you been able to talk to her about the way you felt and still feel?
Are you still living at home or can you avoid seeing your father altogether?
Have you talked to your siblings about your upbringing and how they feel now?
Please keep posting Valley, I know we have only just met but I do know what it is like to live with a compulsive gambler and I recognise your feelings, so you are not alone.
Velvet20 February 2020 at 2:57 pm #7046Miss t jardineParticipant
My bf went made at me he recked he bedroom he was so anger cause he wanted to gamble and I got in the way by saying no to him and he just keeps asking me for things and dont do anything for me just keeps on gamble he said he was only going to do a little bit but yet he still going now should I do what he asks I just cant look at him and if he says things to me I just start shouting at him and then he just goes on one he so selfish and he says he going to give me money but already he spent 100 of the money he promised me
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