30 May 2013 at 5:48 pm #1534ClarityKeymaster
I need someone to tell me how to react or not to react when the CG gambles. I don’t know the right response…do I paste a smile on my face and ignore the behavior? do i get angry? do I tell him the obvious that what he is doing is harmful to himself and those around him?
What do I do?1 June 2013 at 3:59 pm #1535adeleParticipant
I am SO glad you asked this question. I have been thinking and thinking about it. And thanks to Velvet and Harry for the thoughtful replies. Harry’s perspective is very enlightening. I hope more CGs and F&Fs will post their experiences – good or bad. This would be a good Topic or post for Overcoming Problems maybe?
I think you are doing a fine job of handling yourself. You have obviously armed yourself with knowledge and it seems to me you are coping with your unique situations brilliantly. I see you becoming stronger with each post. Your patience and courage to remain calm while he’s there must take everything in you to do, but I think you will get better and better at it – and you can always come here afterwards and let it all out. I cry with you and for you, and I will celebrate even your smallest victories. Hang in there.
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele2 June 2013 at 2:32 pm #1536velvetModerator
I think you did absolutely great. You didn’t allow his addiction to pull the strings. You didn’t chase after him and plead. You were cool.
Keep it going – mean what you say and know that you mean it. Try not to backslide because he only has to see the green light once.
Forcing GA is not ideal but along with all the other things you are doing I cannot fault your actions. It was great to hear that once he has gone he felt better for going. You are not frog-marching him to the meetings – you are giving serious ultimatums and you mean them. It is the knowledge that you mean them that puts you in control.
You have started a different ball rolling and you are controlling it – you are making a difference. It stems from your confidence and your self-belief – they are powerful things and they are the things that are lost when the addiction takes control.
Nobody can predict an outcome with a CG but once you started putting your boundaries up you gave your CG’s addiction a kick. Your CG knows now that you are not in the enablement game – that you are not going to play, which hopefully will give him the push into a true recovery that he will not only keep his relationship alive but will bring him peace of mind and a gamble-free life.
I am hopefully getting over a virus that has knocked the stuffing out of me over the past few days but I will look for further updates from you.
1 September 2013 at 4:24 pm #1537adeleParticipant
Now that I have all the barriers possible in place, and all his gambling debts are tied to the bank account that is only in his name, I no longer react to his gambling: Most of it I’m not even aware of.
I have finally managed to stand back and let him fall (keeping myself protected as much as much as possible).
I have just learned that my CG is now blacklisted from the payday loan places and wherever else he has been getting his gambling money because he is not able to make the promised repayments. (I stand firm in my vow to refuse paying his debts until he is committed to recovery.)
His credit is tanking, and not having cash or cards has caused a number of inconveniences and discomfort for him (not me).
While this is not a situation I could have imagined for us 6 months ago, today I am accepting it as where we are right now. This allows ME some measure of peace and it seems his predicament is giving him reason to consider doing something different.
So for today, this is working for me, and today I am more hopeful for him. I will think about tomorrow … well, tomorrow.
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?" Adele on writing Chasing Pavements
— 9/2/2013 3:56:13 AM: post edited by adele.
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