[megalomaniacme]

I consider myself a smart person, and I can’t help but wonder how I have fallen for the simplest, oldest and most commonly known scums that are out there. It’s not a secret. If you gamble, in the longrun, you will defenitely lose and you will lose a lot. I have heard more than 100 stories in my lifetime about fortunes that have vanished in gambling, families and lifes that have been ruined and none about a guy that made a fortune playing craps, not even 1%. It doesn’t take a genius to see that there is no such thing as a lucky gambler.Luck has nothing to do with it. The stats are there. If you are a gambler you can’t win. If you are a gambler you are propably unlucky, and that is because you propably won at some point in your early steps. That happened to me. A friend of mine invited me to join him to the casino. I only knew the casinos from jamesbond movies and from stories about gamblers that lost it all. I went to the blackjack table and in three hours I transformed 200 in 1200 euros. How unlucky is that? I was f****d for life and didn’t even know it at the point. Actually I was celebrating at the moment feeling not only good but great. I had made 1000 euros in three hours, and more importantly it wasn’t money earned but money won.The experience had registered in my hard disk. Sweet money that bittered my life ever since. I have no sense of money ever since and no appreciation for money that has been worked for. I have a dillusional dream in me, that this incident triggered for good, a dream of wealth given to me just because I am special, unique, a prince if you want.
The blackjack sensation did not last for long, I started loosing, and I did not only lose money but the feeling of uniqueness I had previously aquired. I was not special any more and not treated as such, on the contrary I was being punished and my penalty was a biblical-style one. A knife had to be inserted and twisted in me, every now and then , and the hand holding the knife had to be mine. Self distruction, followed by self pitty, followed by big promises, followed by self distruction and so on and so forth. What had I done to deserve that kind of penalty? I know now what my crime is, but is not only a crime but a curse that I want to get rid off and I can’t, and it is a pitty because I am a good guy and a smart person as well,in a way I deserve better. If you look at it from another point of view, I totally deserved what I got. I wanted to be special. That is my crime. I wanted to be the Zuckemberg and the Bill Gates of this world, and let the envy for people that had it all, ruin a life that I could have some. Some but precious. I could have become a great little guy, but I wanted to become a great great guy. I was and still am a megalomaniac deep inside. A megalomaniac that took a good beating and is now left with dreams of greatness and a reality of failures that caused me to have a very low self esteem. A megalomaniac with low self esteem. I need to travel far in order to be able to feel good and no self esteem to fuel that trip. To say it simple I am f****d.
To move further with my gambling resume, having enough evidence that blackjack wasn’t gonna take me anywere, I switched to carribean stud poker. That game was slower and playing it initially gave me the feeling that it was more controlable, unfortunatelly my bad luck stroke again.I won and won good money, 150 euros became 10.000. True story. The prince had revisited the castle, and been given the thrown. That fueled more than 30.000 in loses the next 5 years. It would have been a lot more if I hadn’t learned the self-exclusion trick. It works like this.Casino visit – self destruction – self pity – big words – moment of clarity – self exclusion. If you are addicted to gambling in casinos I recomended it, and it would be great if the state really cared for people more than gambling revenues and made a common database for all the gambling facilities and online betting sites where in a moment of clarity you could be self-excluded from all at the same time. I mean they have it to protect banks from people that don’t pay their loans, why not do it for gamblers.
Then it was texas holde’m and now it is roulette. I play less than I used to and .when I lose I don’t care, I have become num. I think I wouldn’t even gamble anymore if I had something else to do to .Now I gamble rarelly and mostly out of boredom. I have become much of a coward low self esteem guy, sad but true. I don’t pitty me anymore though, I was unlucky.That’s all. I had it in me (megalomaniac) and I was unlucky enough to triger it. Everybody has flaws in his or her character.
I actually need to start gambling again, take my shots in life, start living and trying, but unfortunatelly I am stuck. The equastion (I mispelled it but I like it -an equasion and a question at the same time) is simple but hard to solve. I am greek. Official unemployment rate among adults in Greece is 27%, so there are no job opportunities, I am 31 and I have a low self esteem due to my past failures and have high expectations due to my megalomanic nature. Well it seems its a good time to use some texas holdem wisdom. The fewer chips I have the more aggresive I have to play. I wait for the one good hand I am going to be dealt and go all in.
I think my gamble circle is almost full, and now I have to deal with the consequences of being a gambler for 8 years. I have to move forward and I am naked, so I ‘ll just have to move forward naked.
I wish you the best, don’t be too hard withyourselves, and remember that quilt refuels the circle that leads to selfdestruction activities.
GOOD LUCK to us all because we dererve it
and contrary to money LUCK earned is sweeter that LUCK given.
Lets give our battles.

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