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  • #6137

    Hi, sooo this will I dare say end up a big waffle but I’m at such a loss at the moment I’m just looking for some advice and support. In 2016 I mrried the guy I’d been with for the last 9yrs, a few months after it felt like money was just going no where even for priority bills we never seemed to have enough to cover it all, I went to the bank and got bank statement from the last few months and, discovered my husband had gambled away just over 1k on, online betting. We spoke about it and he blamed it on a very personal experience we had both been through, I could understand that, his escapism from the situation, he promised me it wouldn’t happen again, and naive me believed him, over the months things got worse (at this point I thought online betting had stopped) anyway decided to change banks and once again thought I’d go through statements to see if there’s any direct debits we didn’t actually need etc, the first thing I see yep online betting, this was 2 ish weeks ago now, I feel so betrayed it’s unreal, the trust has gone, while he was betting all our money away, I couldn’t afford a pair of school shoes for my daughter so had to keep her off a few days till pay day to buy some, it’s put us in just under 10k worth of debt, he no longer had a bank card and I check online banking to make sure nothings gone to any betting, but honestly I don’t know if I want to live with someone where, they can’t be trusted to have a bank card. I just don’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to help himself particularly, I asked him to delete free poker games etc, he hasn’t, I asked him to find self refer gambling groups, he hasn’t, there seems to be no remorse, and tbh I can’t stand to look at him anymore, I honestly don’t know where to go from here, I feel embarrassed he’s even done this, if we split and people ask why it’s just shameful to think people will find out. If you’ve read all this thank you! Any advice is appreciated

    #6138
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hello YBR

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

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    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

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    The Gambling Therapy Team

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    #6139
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi YBR
    Nope, I tried but I couldn’t see any waffle!
    You have just unravelled a terrible truth but you have done the right thing in seeking support because knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it. Nobody here can tell you what to do but with understanding you will be able to make informed decisions about what it is that ‘you’ want to do.
    It is important that you do not feel embarrassed or ashamed because there is nothing you could have done to prevent this happening. Your husband did not want or ask for his addiction anymore than you did. If it was, in the beginning as he suggested, a way to escape a bad personal experience, he could not have known that escaping in this way was going to lead him to something he could not control. I am concerned, however, that your husband is showing no contrition which would have been a step towards accepting he has a real problem and that he wants to do something about it.
    I suggest that you download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous site and ask him to look at them, it might be that he is unaware that his problem is recognised and that there is a lot of support available for him. I can’t tell you what to do but if it was me I would also tell him that I was seeking help – often those with a gambling addiction assume they are the only one with the problem.
    Until you are sure about what it is that you want to do, I suggest you don’t threaten your husband with actions that you do not/could not/would not carry through. He has an addiction that is the master of threats and if you do not carry out your threat then his addiction will see it as a green light to carry on. In my opinion it is better to stand still for a while, making sure you look after yourself, whilst gaining the necessary knowledge to help you cope..
    I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ for you to help you to see the way the addiction works and how easy it is to get caught up in its cycle.
    It would be great to ‘see’ you in an F&F group; what is said in the group never appears on the forum, it is private and safe for F&F. If there is a Gam-Anon group in your area it might well be worth going to a meeting. I believe in taking all the support you can.
    Speak soon
    Velvet

    #6140

    Thank you for replying! If I’m honest I think when I found him out, the first time it literally was just an excuse to get away with what he’s had been doing. Which would just be unforgivable. I think it’s probably been ongoing on and off over the years we have been together, slowly getting worse.
    I’m so furious at the moment, I just keep going round in circles about what to do in my mind, one minute I’m telling myself I’ll tell him to go, the next minute I’m feeling sorry for him and I should be more understanding, I also don’t want to disrupt the children, or upset them if I suddenly kick dad out.

    I think he just won’t admit to himself it’s become an issue. And that’s why he’s not really helping himself. Which for me is more infuriating, I asked again tonight for him to delete any free gambling games, and I can gaurentee it will still be there in the morning when he gets back from work.

    After the first time I did say if I caught him out again it would be over for us. So part of me feels I now need to follow through on what I said, but the other part of me worries that could be the worst thing to do.

    He even had to cheek to say to me earlier, that I’m bad at wasting money! Like Ermm excuse me! Just couldn’t believe he said it.

    I have had a quick look on the f&f cycle earlier and did relate to some of the stages, will have a more in depth read through now I’m alone this evening. I’ve also tried to find groups local on google he can go to, but they are all 30 miles away! We haven’t a car, because of the money hes gambled away we just can’t afford it, so can’t travel that far,
    I did make him go to the doctors to see if they can refer him somewhere but I have a feeling he just went and said he’s depressed as when he came back he had a bag of anti depressants (which he’s not bothered to start taking yet) and said they won’t refer him for 2mnths! Eurgh right now I can’t see past my own anger to make clear decisions.

    Thank you for your reply it’s good to hear from someone who gets it! Friends are supportive but haven’t been through anything like this so they don’t know what to say or do really.

    #6141
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi YBR
    I wondered what was happening in your life. You are right that F&F on this site totally get what you are talking about.
    Please keep using the support, you have a lot on your plate but sharing with those who understand can often help you to cope, for me many years ago, it was a life-saver.
    Velvet

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