[unhapy]

Hi, I’m in desperate need of some advice.
I have gambled £20k (most of my life savings) in 3-4 online poker sessions over the last year when under the influence of stimulant drugs on my own late at night.
I lost £3k 3 days ago and am at my wits end hating myself. I am recently engaged and am supposed to be saving for the wedding but have lost most of my life savings this last year. My fiancee knows about £10k a year ago but not the other £10k recently. I can’t tell her as I worry she will give up on me.
How can I get over his feeling of self hatred over my recent loss and them all combined?
I keep crying and can’t sleep. I hate myself for what I’ve done and how it may damage my future marriage and just don’t know how to get over this low feeling. It’s affecting everything.
I feel I can’t tell anyone as I’m so digusted with myself.

I have cancelled my credit card today and thrown it away and have found out about gambling blocking software which I will install.
Just can’t stop thinking about what I have done. Considered suicide on Sunday night when I did it but that was mainly drug induced I think after the initial realisation hit home. My fiancee knows I have a drug problem. I have had councelling for that and it’s getting slightly better.
I may be kidding myself I’m getting drugs under control and I don’t need a 12 step prog etc.
I can go weeks without gambling. It’s just when I’m high on my own sometimes.
Do you think the feelings of self hatred from the loss will get less if I don’t gamble again?
Do you think I should be honest with my fiancee?
Any suggestions on how to get over this feeling of failure and self hatred would be much appreciated.
I just can’t seem to stop thinking about the £20k loss and all that it entails… 
Thank you so much for your time in reading.
 

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