Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family How to help and deal with CG? (10years)

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  • #5621
    Jsere
    Participant

    Good evening,
    I am new here… Issue is the same as others… my partner is CG for 10 years.

    He told me last year around this time. I believed we will be better, it’s not a big problem and etc.

    Unfortunately things never changed, it has been hidden well. During my pregnancy it went worst.. He promissed go to meetings, this happened 1-2 times and after it would finish – he said he can do it on his own.

    I believe, I have act not right in a few occasions- said that he waisted our money, remind him and used it as we started arguments.

    It feels like one day or a week goes well, and rest its again the same.

    I wish to understand a way I can support him, I would mot like to let him go. I want to support and give our help, but I need to see the same goal from him.

    First was roulette. We have tried to finish with it, when stared online poker , another way of loosing money.

    I believed that it was his hobby, he said that he can be so goot at it – unfortunately I’ve never seen a bonus. He strongly believed – one day he will be a millionaire.

    As soon our son born – I’ve lost all my savings, during paternity and looking after us, he gambled all saved money ;((

    He never touched my cards and accounts, I trusted him,but this time happened and not once 🙁

    I was broken…

    I worried, how its going to be with a little one, how I can secure the future for him?? Sad… I had bad thoughts of harming my self.

    I do not have a family here and I would not like to let them know, through what I am going.

    I trully believed he will change…

    A few days ago all his salary has neen gambled again…:(

    I’ve said he need to go to the meetings.

    The finances really hard to sort it out, if it stays in my account I am loosing temper as soon as I am hearing;” its my money I’ll do what I want”

    I trully believed he will change… We have a son, I love him lots, but I do not believe in him anymore.

    I am on a question line: is it better stay or go.

    Do you think is a way to support him? Maybe I am doing something in not right way, ( I am to soft, forgiving and giving him money, when he asks)?

    So sad for the little one. Sort of feeels like I am loosing my self.

    I am so tired – all days think, if he will go to meetings, or will gamble money again?

    In a year time, it have gone worst. We have not moved any forward. He is Commited to get a help and start meetings, my worries is for how long its going to be.

    Thanks,

    J.

    #5622
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    Hello Jsere

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #5623
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Jsere
    I thought that I would write a quick post as well as the formal welcome post. Everything you have written is understood and there are lots of ways to protect yourself because protecting yourself is the best way for you to support your CG.
    It is late so this is a very quick reply but I wanted you to know you were being heard. I will write a fuller reply soon.
    Velvet

    #5624
    Jsere
    Participant

    Hi Velvet,
    Many thanks for your reply.
    I’ve manged to move this month money into safe account.

    I need to be strong and do not loose my temper.
    Find a way how to start the trust.

    I am not sure how I suppose to act, if he will not go to the meetings?
    Do I have my rights to ask where he will spend money and etc.
    Probably I need to pop in other posts and read more .

    Thanks Velvet for your welcome message, which made me feel better.

    J.

    #5625
    Jsere
    Participant

    Thank you for coming back to me and welcoming with a warm welcome.

    I am looking forward to get advices and learn how to protect our selves and give a right support. 😉

    J.

    #5626
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Jsere
    Trust takes years to rebuild once it has been damaged and It is not your job to find out how to trust – if you do not trust your partner then trust your gut instinct.
    Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions from their website and let your partner see that you are treating his addiction seriously, even if he is not.
    Many CGs go to meetings because they are either told to go or they think it will please those who care about them but they don’t really want to change the way they behave. They come home and say that they can do it on their own, as your partner has done, or say they are not as bad as the others at the meeting – this is denial.
    I hope the money that you have moved into a safe account is really safe in your name and that he does not know the pin number or have any other access to it because you will need to protect your finances for you and your son.
    You ask whether you have rights to ask where your partner spends his money – I don’t think ‘rights’ come into it with a CG. If he asked you to handle his finances, which many CG who want to live gamble-free do, then it is ok to ask for receipts but an active CG who wants to gamble will do so with or without your knowledge.
    Keep posting Jesere – I think reading other posts is a great idea.
    Velvet

    #5627
    Jsere
    Participant

    Hi Velvet,
    Thank you for the message.
    You are right.
    I need to put son and my safety first.
    From what I can see he is still on a poker websites, reading all the news. As he said he is still interested.

    As you said, I do not believe that he really wants help, because the desire to play poker, or roulette will be stronger….

    He started to be more open to family and relatives. They really support him. On anither hands looks like they giving more support to him, saying that I am pushing probably to much him.
    No one will understand what CG another galf ho through. Especially after a year promising that he will be fixed.

    Anyway, I’ll see how he is getting on.
    I think I do nit have more energy to be let down.
    If promises will not happen, I need to secure our son life.
    Sad…

    I can not enjoy a life anymore, feel to fragile worry about money constantly…

    Wish he will finally get this.

    Hope you’ve all doing better ! 😉

    #5628
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Jesere
    In what way are the other friends and family supporting your partner? Most people do not understand what enabling means but you do and that is important. I spent 25 years doing everything wrong for all the right reasons.
    If you partner is still on poker websites then he is keeping his addiction alive. Did you download the 20 questions and if so what was his reaction?
    Keep posting J and live in the middle or ‘your’ life and not on the periphery of your partners – even if he is making bad choices, you don’t have to.
    Velvet

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