9 October 2019 at 1:36 pm #6926justmec86Participant
So very very long story short or will be here all night! Husband of 15yrs always been gambling addict as long as he can remember- finally stopped 6yrs ago for 5yrs. This was going to GA for 1yr and self exclusions etc. In that time it really did feel it was behind us. This year he had a relapse but quickly self excluded again and all seemed ok.
fast forward few months I left him for other reasons ( he also does coke regularly and drinks too frequently for my liking…). This propelled the gambling and he’s fully back in it for last few months now.
I am now living in new house with our two daughters but he is desperate for us to try again. I do love him but I’m so scared of falling back into the vicious circle. He reckons he’s stopped it all from now and will start going to GA again. The coke and drinking I can deal with as it’s easy to tell ( not that I accept this I just mean I can easily tell if he is lying about these as it’s fairly obvious), – gambling not so much… typically he only bets on sports and I used to know as he would be checking scores regularly on his phone. So we met the other day and I confess I looked through his phone to see if he’d been looking at scores and he had. I questioned him and he basically denied gambling but said he’s not happy me checking his phone etc no one else would put up with it…
I guess my question is how do I learn to trust him without checking his phone and checking up on him?
the other issue is he has his own scaffolding business and lots of cash work so there’s no possible way of me taking control of money or checking finances etc as he could just lie about how much a job was anyway…10 October 2019 at 11:00 am #6927duncParticipant
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
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Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
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You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team10 October 2019 at 11:47 am #6928velvetModerator
I think that the first thing you need to hear and believe is that he is going to GA and not just saying that he will start. Words and promises are too easy.
I am not surprised you checked his phone – sadly the addiction to gamble makes detectives of many F&F who would never have dreamt of looking to check up on a loved one. He is wrong to assume that others would not put up with it and I am sure if he pushed his thinking past other GA members he would find others who do understand why their loved ones feel the need to check.
A slip is not always a negative thing, it can be the shot in the backside that makes a gambler stronger in his recovery. Your husband appears to have slipped at the beginning of this year but he did not return to his support group and subsequently relapsed along with heavier drinking and drug taking. You are not to blame for this relapse, your husband is the only person responsible for this downturn. Does his circle of associates include gamblers and drinkers? Is he easily led? Are his friends aware that he has a problem?
Trust takes time to rebuild and, in my opinion, cannot be rushed. I believe it is dependent on the behaviour of the addict and yes on the reaction of the loved one too.
I think it is good to let him know that you don’t want to check on him but to ask him how he expects you to learn to trust him if you don’t. Let him know that you want to stand shoulder to shoulder with him in his desire to be gamble free but that you need help too. Maybe he could ask the other members of his GA group how they respond to their loved ones who are struggling with trust. Trust is two-ways – he wants to trust that you will not check on him and you want to trust him that he will he honest,
Keep posting JM – I can hear your dilemma and I hope to hear that your husband has started on his recovery so that trust can become even a possibility again.
It would be great to ‘meet’ you in a group where we could communicate in real time. There is a group this evening, Thursday between 10pm and 11pm and another on Tuesday at the same time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is safe and you will be welcome.
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