1 January 2013 at 1:32 am #11776
Hello All My Beautiful CG’s……From my previous post you all know that I was in Horrific State in Early December. Well, I stayed away from "the bad place" for a few weeks….by cleaning houses ect….managed to give the family a lovely Christmas. Was off from work this past week * COMPLETE CHAOS…..had a few extra dollars from my Loving Father….went on sucha binge that not only did I mess up ALL that $$$ but wrote a bad check that I had to sell my Gold Locket (that was precious) to a former family member..begging; shame; repulsion; was at the bank this am covered in the filth of myself; crying; covering the bad check by selling off the LAST really important possession I own. WHY WHY WHY??? I was doing SO well. Back in the same boat….half a loaf of bread in house; don’t get paid until Friday; 28$ until payday…no gas in car…busing it to work in the snow on Weds……WTH is WRONG with me…..I feel depleted….sick…agony of defeat. Happy New Year……Typing this out is actually causing strength to flow through my veins. I will NOT let those legalized thieves take my SOUL. I CHOSE to go there. I CHOSE to sit for HOURS spending EVERY PRECIOUS CENT…..I can also choose to "black-list" myself. Please pray for me. I will continue to pray for ALL cg’s. My Good Lord, what an incredibly, nightmarish, disease this is….it takes takes takes…until there is NOTHING left to give. I realize I am rambling. I Love the non-judgemental support YOU ALL give to each other. Bless and Keep us all; and may we make 2013 a gamble free year! My Best xxxxx Razzabelle xxxxx You Get What You Give1 January 2013 at 3:06 am #11777kathrynParticipant
What a horrific time you are having.
First, i give you a huge pat on the back (plus a big hug) for coming back and posting. It is so so easy to never come back and many dont. It shows your strength and determination in dealing with your addiction.
So, what can you do now. Coming here is a great first step. Im not sure if you have any other barriers in place and i think its important to do it now while you are feeling so low. A lot of the time we put it off and then we get more money and then the cycle starts again. Putting up those barriers will really protect you when you next get paid.
Have you got someone to help you, that you can give your keycard, that you can be accountable to, that can be your support? Family, a friend, partner? It does mean that you have to share your secret, which is **** scary. I found that what I imagined in my head was no where near as bad as the reality.
Counselling of course it always helpful. Learning to identify your triggers, and deal with them in a positive way rather than gambling can be life changing. There is usually a reason why we gamble, be it boredom , lonliness, anger, desperation. I was told once that there is a word to think of that can help…..HALT….Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I know for me it is usually one of those things. To be able to think things through before just jumping in the car can help.
Razz, i have been there, i know exactly how you are feeling and im sending you all my good thoughts across the miles. One thing i did was self exclude, i am in my 3rd year of exclusion and it is a massive barrier for me. May be worth thinking about.
Please dont beat yourself up too much, look at the positive. You posted, you are actively looking for help. We all have to start somewhere. It took me 15 years to finally put those barriers in place, i did them all and it does work.
There is always hope, be open to the possibilities .
I am thinking of you today,
Love K ***
To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan– 1/01/2013 3:09:04 AM: post edited by Kathryn.1 January 2013 at 6:25 am #11778sherry123Participant
These painful trips back to gambling are what reinforces why we need to stop. Next time you think of gambling re-play in your mind how you feel today. Then think about how it feels to have groceries, gas and a little extra money. It’s still a tough choice to make for a cg so that’s why it’s so important to make sure you can’t gamble…like Kathryn said. You’re on your way to a better life.1 January 2013 at 6:51 am #11779chubbycatParticipant
You are not alone.. thats what i want to say to you.. I think all the advice has been given and i just want to say we are here on this journey with you and we all know how you feel because we have all been there before.. me not so long ago.. you can do it Razzabelle, you can.. hang in there and keep posting and reading. Find what works for you
Chubby1 January 2013 at 7:00 am #11780stupidgirl34Participant
I am not enabling or condoning what you did but I do wanna tell you it’s ok. No one said this would be easy and the reason you will find support here is because I know exactly how easy it would be for me to make one slip and be exactly where you are and I know how it would make me feel if I did. So big hugs, put on your big girl panties and start again. We didn’t become who we are by going to the casino one time, it was a process, recovery is the same. I too am so proud of you for having to courage to come back here and admit what happened. It shows that you are still fighting! Prayers your way.
I will make this work!1 January 2013 at 7:43 am #11781
All the others here has basically said it all so I’m just going to leave you a big hug and say that you can do this, you reached out, today is a new day and let’s start again, one day at the time xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.1 January 2013 at 4:27 pm #11782williameParticipant
Read your post and want to comment. First, I want you to realize that you didnt have a HUGE setback, but a short relapse in your addiction. It happens to virtually every CG who decides to abstain from gambling, so dont be so hard on yourself. A huge setback in my eyes would be you started gambling again and it progressively got worse and you suffered thru it for years, or possibly for the rest of your life. Look at the positives, you realize you have a problem, you currently realize that your defenses are very weak against the addiction and that you need help. You can gain online support here, but it seems to me you need more hands on support such as GA or a therapist (I do one on one therapy and it saved my life). You also need to reestablish stronger barriers since your defenses are very weak right now and put your money in control of a loved one or a friend you trust (you should have NO access to money right now). Self ban from all acessable casinos and install software to block all online gaming sites. Once you strengthen your defenses to your gambling addiction, the ability to begin recovery will be easier. Im in New York (not far from you) and know an awesome therapist who specializes in gambling addiction if you want a reference (she does skype sessions online as well as live sessions). She has taught me alot, one of the fundamental lessons Ive learned is not to be so hard on myself and dont set your early goals too high. Take baby steps early that are attainable and build on those. Make today the first day of your "new life" and make some progress today to recovery. Dont let a relapse get you down, they happen. Just brush yourself off, learn from your relapse and set up your barriers to make a future relapse more difficult to occur.1 January 2013 at 5:51 pm #11783desdemonaParticipant
Dear (((Razzabelle)))! Way to go on coming back and posting about your recovery "detour." Slips can be valuable learning lessons, and the good that came out of this situation is that you are considering blacklisting yourself. It’s a huge barrier and one that I found so helpful. One day at a time you can be gamble free. It’s a new day, new year, so a clean slate for all of us. You need to be kind to yourself today because you deserve it. Progress not perfection! Carole1 January 2013 at 7:11 pm #11784
Oh Thank You Everyone of You for Your Replies *** My Lord; how much BETTER I feel reading them. As I lay in bed with the "kitties" and my Partner lst night at the stroke of midnight (watching the ball come down); it sounds a little zany, but I had a "moment of clarity"…..I probably would have been at the casino (of course they give massive "free-play" on New Years) by midnight even if I had "won" it would ALL be gone anyway…if not then; in a matter of days…I CANNOT go there responsibly….ANY and ALL $$$ will be USED. New Years is an excellent time to ‘turn over a new leaf"…..I think of Father who I love and respect SO much; handing over money to me, because he is worried that I don’t have groceries. I think of taking that money and ripping it up, because that is in an essense what I did with it. I think of my Beautiful, strong, daughter, who just inspires me SO much. It is hard on her and my son as well. They were both out last night; and BOTH called me @ midnight just to say; "Mommy, we Love You"….Honestly friends, my addiction has been tough on them. They HATE the casino….I am healthy; I am strong; ….I CAN CHOOSE LIFE! A little about my parner, he is just as bad as me. I haven’t touched on this, because while a "good man" we do enable each other. His friend Rob is actually picking him up in a few minutes (because we don’t have gas) and he is going to casino to do "Free Play"…..he said "come with us" I CHOOSE NOT TO. It’s ok, because we are ADULTS and we ALL have choices in life. Today, the thought of the casino is repugnant to me. I don’t know. Maybe because Bobby (my partner) doesn’t have the relationship to his own kids or parents that I do? Does it sound silly to you all? I mean I think of my Father’s eyes and how disappointed he would be if he knew I spent that money at casino….(he has his own issues with my Mom being a cg)….I think of the kids; and their beautiful green eyes filling with tears because Mommy was "bad" again….I even think of the kitties having to eat ****** food, and not being able to see their Vet, bacause of my addiction. These thoughts bring vomit up to my throat. Everyone, if I selfexclude, it will bring the end to my relationship to Bobby. He is not ready. It is something I need to address. No sugar-coating. This is REAL LIFE. Oh my Gosh; THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING….THANK YOU FROM MY HEART….I LOVE YOU ALL….I mean it….this place is a life preserver in a wild sea…..Much Love….Razz ***You Get What You Give1 January 2013 at 8:09 pm #11785
Ohh Razz what a hard place to be in, well done for not going last night. Guess you got a choice to make yourself and your recovery or your partner :/
I do not envy you for being in that position. Sends you lots of prayers filled with courage and hope, let’s do this together one day at the time.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.1 January 2013 at 8:17 pm #11786
Thank You Hetty! It is SO IMPORTANT to me that You and Others Understand the anguish we CG’s live with….As I have stated before I don’t ever think of it as "Misery loves company"….No, it is more like a circle of people around the planet, holding each others hands; understanding each other, keeping each other afloat in that "stormy sea"…..Blessings and Love to You & Yours Today xxxYou Get What You Give2 January 2013 at 9:36 pm #11787
Hey Razz, just checking in to see how your going, thinking of you xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.4 January 2013 at 3:43 am #11788
Hi Hetty:) TY SO Much for thinking of me. I have been busy days at work and actually went over an elderly neighbors tonight to help him take down his Holiday decorations in this FREEZING COLD we are having in PA. GREAT for me! He gave me 50$ then I stopped at Mama’s house and she slipped me a twenty. 70$ normally this girl would go straight to the devils den. Guess what? I got GAS in the car:) bought GOOD cat food, and some nice, normal, groceries:)))) After I get paid tomorrow, with all my "finagaling" I will be able to pay my mortgage. That will leave me about 50$ to live on until I clean houses again, but I WILL NOT GAMBLE !!!!! CG;s are SO obsessed with money aren’t we? I think it’s because we are ALWAYS short of it. My Boss hasn’t been in after Holiday; but I can’t wait to ask his help with the blacklist. My CG partner Bobby has the flu. He DOES NOT want to blacklist himself. I am going to be doing much soul searching this weekend. I have avoided the online slots (even though I only play with fun money) because I think they are triggers. But I do play games (not betting games) on FB,,,,as a CG, do you think these games are ok? There isn’t $$$ involved, just skill. Also, HOW ARE YOU???? I feel very happy @ gambling therapy to have the opportunity to share with beautiful friends as yourself! I hope you too are gamble free this day….*****…..Love, Razz You Get What You Give4 January 2013 at 4:52 am #11789stupidgirl34Participant
I hope the FB games are ok, lol. I play words and scramble with friends. I also play a lot of solitare. Congratulations on not gambling the $70, I know that feeling. Each small step is a victory!
I will make this work!4 January 2013 at 3:26 pm #11790paul315Participant
Originally posted by razzabelle
… I was doing SO well …
Good morning Razzabelle, my name is Larry and I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was October 17, until then I was doing SO well for over 3 years. But in reading your story and seeing you too coming back after another outing to gamble, I see that we are still doing well, maybe without the SO, but doing Well just the same; recovery is a progressive process and you are moving forward — it make little differen in the difference that we have is our time in recovery, it is a ODAAT process for each and every one of us.
Keeping the progress on going takes actions on our part. You still get the promotional offers that temp you to gamble, a positive action for you could be following through with choosing to do what you know will help you; following through with the self-banning, or "black-listing" yourself, will stop the mailings and give you a serious reason to resist any of the bell that are calling you to gamble. You know that you are the one that is making the choices to gamble loosing everything, and know that you are the one responsible for making that choice, so self-banning will be a good tool for you to use to give you time to think rationally; time to realize that the ******* casinos are not an option for you. One of the earlier members, stephen, that helped me do SO well, and whose past input still helps me to continue to progress, once posted:
"Fortunately, I have been very strong in recovery for a number of years now. But the addiction is there trying to fool us when we become strong in recovery, sometimes tugging at us like saying, "Go ahead Steve, you can spend a few dollars on that lottery ticket, it’s only a few bucks, it’s chicken feed money is all, you won’t even miss that little money, and who knows you could become a millionaire"…..and that’s when I say "FU" to the addiction…because I know where that type of behavior would lead to…and I’m not going back there.
To those out there struggling which used to be me, the addiction would say, "Come on Steve, sure you’re broke and in debt, and sure you’ve lost countless amounts of money over the years from gambling, but at this point ya might as well take what little money ya got, and buy those lottery tickets or try other gambling games because that gambling hot streak, that big gambling jackpot hit, could be right around the corner, could even be the next bet makes ya rich."
It’s a tough addiction, but the solution to a gambling problem is never more gambling…the solution to a gambling problem is to stop gambling and stay in recovery…otherwise…the problem only gets worse".
It helps to read the post of others, even earlier ones like stephen that were here before us, their struggles, and success, gives us another look at this problem that we seem to partially cover up in our own lives; but even then we have to accept that it is us that we are reading about, that in the feeling we get here of not being alone we also need to involve ourselves in what is helping others, and separate ourselves form the things that do not work.
Hopefully I am not sounding hypocritical in that I too recently gamble and failed to do what I knew was best and am recommending here, but this addiction is an overpowering disease that causes us to do the unthinkable when circumstances are right, and we find ourselves unguarded, or are feeling too SO well that we think that we are immune to that addictive power and the compulsive gambling that comes after any next bet. "Don’t make the next bet and you will not have to worry about the second and other ones".
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Keep your guard up. Keep active and involved.
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.
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