5 January 2013 at 4:02 am #11791
Thank you for the words and thought provoking post Larry:) You are SO correct on so many levels….this is a horrific progrssive disease. Yada Yada Me:) I am feeling sad because I like going to gamble on Friday night, and since my last "Horror" I got paid today. I had LOTS of cash in my hands, and was SO tempted to get a :headache and drive to racino and try my luck. Instead I walked over to BOA and paid my mortgage. Because our payroll dept messed up our deductions, my check was actually short 28 dollars. Bottom line….I left myself 12 dollars for the weekend. Drove home, and did laundry. Now like our other CG, SG I am home broke, with 4 cigarettes, and just feeling Blah. I am or try to be a normally positive person, but tonight I just feel "YucK"….so to let you know Larry, your reply did give me some "food for thought" I really NEED to get on the blacklist and try to organize whatever is in my head that is stopping me. I can blame my partner (who refuses to blacklist) but that is unfair & untrue. This is MY addiction. I have to CHOOSE LIFE….I am going to read more forum posts…..*** Razz You Get What You Give5 January 2013 at 4:26 am #11792desdemonaParticipant
Dear Razzabelle! Congratulations on paying your mortgage instead of going to the venue and probably losing the money you have probably worked hard for. I’m sure that feels a lot better than driving home from the racino broke, even though you say you feel Yucky tonight! You say that your partner is unwilling to self-exclude himself, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t. Once he sees you, over time, being successful in your recovery, he may want to try recovery himself. As mothers when we know better, we do better for our children and ourselves. We’ll never regret recovery, but we will regret having our gambling affect our children’s lives. You and your children deserve your recovery. Carole5 January 2013 at 5:03 am #11793hettyParticipant
Good for you razz to find the courage to face what is your truth. Regarding games, I see them as good past time fun, I however choose games none relating to slots and money, unless I’m playing board games.
Sends you a huge hug, hang in there sister, you can do this xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.5 January 2013 at 3:46 pm #11794paul315Participant
Originally posted by razzabelle
Thank you for the words and thought provoking post …
Good morning Razz,
Your post has given me "food for thought" too, thanks for your thought provoking post. This morning, about two and half months after my "crash" I am looking at a minus balance of a couple hundred dollars for this months budget. I will have a few small checks coming in from my part time job to cover it in time to pay upcoming bills, but this does not change the fact that the consequences of my gambling in October are carried forward to today, and will follow me for at least a year. It was "fun" and "enjoyable" at the time, and even somewhat "therapeutic", and conversely it did cause me to feel "yucky" afterwards, if by that you mean remorseful, guilty, and at a loss of self-esteem. BUT, that short lived "good" time was not worth it, the events that I was trying to escape and not face still exist. And "surprisingly" enough they did not destroy me or cause unmanageable hurt like gambling did. On a brighter side, but for from justifying, the lingering "yucky" feelings have diminished and has strengthened my resolve to continue on my journey to live gambling free.
But the real reason that I am posting to your post and am writing this is to build the courage to do what I now have to do as a result of gambling again; something that is extremely hard and carries much more regret and deeper feelings than "yuck" than having to juggle finances to pay a few bills and have a little "food for nourishment". This month I do not have any money to send to my daughter and now have to tell her and her mother that I gambled again after three and a half years of being gambling free. I could *** to them but that would not help me any, it would only give a false and selfish instance of saving face, something that always backfires later on and adds to any mistrust that might exist.
I find that posting such thoughts to others is better for me than to post all on my own threads, so thanks for the opportunity and use of yours. Journaling and sharing problems is good for us no matter what venue we use, but my choosing one different than my own I know is another trait that I need to look into; hopefully it is more to benefit from third party "therapy" than some type of denial or facing the truth head on. I know that you are new here, and that some of my older friends here could be a more understanding listener, but your post was the one that opened my eyes and causing me to take actions that i need to follow through; again thanks.
Back to a more related reply to your post, you are right, this is your addiction and you need to do what is right and good for you — in the long run it will also be more beneficial to any relationship that you are in. If your partner still gambles the best that you can do is to separate yourself from all that they do in relation to gambling. There are surely other things that you do as "individuals" so this is not a sign of loss of interest in them; this may be a little harder, but that may be because it is still one of somthing that you want to do than something that they want you to do — hopefully you are not being wrongly coerced or pressured into joining them that is. A relationship or friendship built of true love or caring, and not just for support of some codependency, will not cause you to act in harmful ways. I know that this is not always the case, but it is something that ***** to be considered. I am truly fortunate and grateful that my loved ones and friends recognize my problem and the harm that they might cause if they attempt to encourage me to join in on any of their, occasional "normal" gambling (I do miss our past trips to Vega some, but back then they were fun trips to enjoy more than the gambling, and not ones to feed my addiction) — and I practice the same understanding with a friend that is AA, we separate any of my outings for a "night on the town" from any ***** of just meeting or dining out.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting and sharing, "a problem shared is a problem halved"LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.5 January 2013 at 6:42 pm #11795
Oh Larry, Hetty, Carole, EVERYONE! I WANT TO LIVE!!! I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!! I am crying as I type….Gosh, this disease is EMOTIONAL….Thanking Good Lord that I found alll of the incredibly, strong, supportive fellow CG’s ….WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE! WE HAVE A DISEASE…..I woke up this morning feeling the familiar sickness of despair that comes with KNOWING you don’t have available funds for basic ***** (toilet paper out) and my partner (Bobby) has the flu, he took the last roll and was blowing his nose…needless to say I pointed out that I would not be able to do a Wal-Mart run for a long time so please be prudent with the remaining tp, cause I am going to have to borrow some from my sister. This stupid remark escalated into a huge fight that resulted in ME: crying….Him: Leaving with his friend Rob to go use his "free play" and saying "F U I am NOT coming back"……Result of this: I am on the fence…Oh Lord, I am NOT even sure if I love this man any longer…..Too much enabling each others CG…Friends, I also suspect he is doing illegal *****….OK ….I said it, and my Mama always says, "If it smells like a rat…."; well you know the rest of that old line….I need to breathe….OK my Mortgage is PAID….Car & cable & Power Co……NOT.. PAID. NO $$$. OK…Bobby owes me 265$ right now….if he REALLY IS GONE; I KNOW I will not get this. I have 200 coming in on Friday…that will cover the cable….Focus POSITIVE…there is food here; the kids are good; their father has them this weekend; they do not care for Bobby and will be very happy if they return tomorrow and he has left. OK: I can hold off PP&L (power co) for a bit….Bad…my car. I am only 5 days late but honestly can’t let it get out of hand…..OH Goodness; when I was a little girl without a care in the world, I never dreamed that my life would be such a mess…did any of us? Oh Larry, when you mentioned not being able to send your daughter some money this month, well, that just tore me up. I NEVER have money for my daughter….it wasn’;t always that way….I have given up SO many important parts of my life to enable my compulsive gambling. Yet, friends, because of this safe haven, I NO LONGER WANT TO DIE! Inspiration: I owe about 6 thousand dollars on my car, and the KBB value is double that. Even if I can sell it for 10….shouldn’t I be able to get a decent pre owned NON-FINANCED back & forth to grocery store, work, vehicle for 4 thousand dollars? Inspired, I will sign off and google like crazy. I LOVE & VALUE you people ***** Let us make today a GAMBLE FREE day ***** Razz You Get What You Give5 January 2013 at 6:45 pm #11796maverick.Participant
Hi Razzabelle, Just wanted to wish you well and to say keep doing what works for you, we are all different and what works for one will not for another so do what works for you and when you find what that is hold on tight to it and work it everyday, take care love Maverick.6 January 2013 at 12:10 am #11797
Thank You Maverick! I wish a LOVELY GAMBLE FREE DAY to YOU; Friend! *** RazzYou Get What You Give6 January 2013 at 2:25 am #11798hettyParticipant
One of these days you will be ready for the next step in your recovery, think you already know what you need to do its just a matter of facing the changes. Sends you lots of hugs and healing prayersYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.6 January 2013 at 11:16 pm #11799
Hi Razz, I just read what you posted about never walking out a winner. Like you, I’ve hit some big wins but it only bought me more gambling time. It’s crazy to hit $700, enjoy the machine sounds, have everyone looking to see what you hit, cash out so you don’t spend it all and take twenty after twenty after twenty out of your purse to keep playing until there is no money left. Yep, I always walked out a loser. I would never be that careless with money anywhere but a casino. Razz, next time you think of gambling know that once you place that first bet…no win will be enough, no small jackpot will make you feel satisfied and there is no walking out a winner. Keep your money for you and your kids…then you’ll be a winner.7 January 2013 at 10:52 pm #11800
RIGHT ON SHERRY! 🙂 I just posted on RG’s topic that I have felt like I was going INSANE during the Blackest days of my addiction. I would hold in my need to "pee" for HOURS, I had a nagging, pain in my wrist. My weight was down to 119 (BELIEVE me at 5"8 NOT A PRETTY SIGHT) YIKES….just typing once more makes the thought of gambling choke me. Funny though while I am living like a "bum" right now, I am not too unhappy tonight….I still haven’t got my car payment straightened out, but it’s like I care but I don’t? I also do NOT want to blame the "racino" for any of this….I blame MYSELF…I need to keep busy (like on here:) and FOCUS on My RECOVERY> Positives: Food in the fridge, cats happy, warm house, NO GAMBLING TODAY! Thank You Sherry, for caring! *** Razz *** You Get What You Give8 January 2013 at 4:13 am #11801
I know a lot of people say to don’t blame the casino but it’s the greedy casino who use the best technology and gimmicks to entice us and addict us. They want to get us hooked and get our money. We are victims…but there comes a time when we realize the damage gambling is causing in our lives and we have the choice to try to break their hold. It’s so tough at first. That’s why it’s important for the road blocks so we can’t cause too much financial damage. In the early days, the need or desire to gamble is so strong that we do what we can just to gamble…again that’s why it’s important to make sure we CAN"T gamble. My heart broke for you when I read your post on Running Girls thread. I have some shameful gambling moments too…but that’s all behind us today. You have food, warmth and security. You are a winner.
8 January 2013 at 4:26 am #11802
Razz, I didn’t get to finish my post and it sent! My nagging pain was in my neck and shoulder. I went to the chiropractor (also a compulsive gambler) and he should me how to sit at the slot machine. Of course, when I’m in action, I don’t care how I am sitting I just want to keep hitting the spin button (sounds crazy!). I also wanted to say about the shame of gambling…I used to hate Mondays and going to work while everyone was talking about their weekends and I was ashamed to say my weekend was spent in the casino. Beautiful sunny days wasted in the dark dingy smokey den of gloom. Then I’d have to face my checking account because sometimes I lost track of what I lost and have to juggle money to avoid a possible overdraft. I thank God that I haven’t had days like that for many years but I still cringe and get a knotted feeling in my stomach when I do think about it. Razz, a life without gambling is worth giving it all you have! I know I’m rambling so I’ll just hit ‘send’.9 January 2013 at 2:43 pm #11803icandothisParticipant
Hi Razz, I just finished a great book called "Tattoos on the Heart…The Power of Boundless Compassion" To quote the author.."Guilt is feeling bad about one’s actions, but shame is feeling bad about oneself." This quote really hit me. I have no answers, but I know I must continue to work on changing my actions. As I begin to change my actions, I begin to feel better about myself. But then, as we all know, sometimes our actions fall short. That is where that power of boundless compassion comes in. We should have this compassion for ourselves, but we don’t. At least I don’t. I believe it is hard for me because right now the shame has permeated every fiber of my being. I may feel embarassed, weak, and worthless, but I continue to come here to this site because I need the compassion from others that I cannot give myself. I hope you will continue to do the same and stick with us no matter what.
The author talked of a compassion that stands by each other for what we have to carry rather than judging each other for how we carry it. You will find that here. Today is the first day of my spiritual journey!10 January 2013 at 1:41 am #11804
***** Sherry & Ican! Weds. evening here; just enjoyed good meal and some facebook time. Trying to keep busy until bedtime for Weds. evening was always my "spin to win" the magical horror of "free play" night. Why is it that we CG’s suffer from SUCH low self-esteem? I have a few basic theories, one being that even if we have a "hit" of course we DO NOT leave the casino (like a normal person) instead like Sherry said, "even with her purse full of twenties, they continually fed into the mouth of the beasts, until they were gone" (this is my own "play" on Sherry’s word:))….Now, we are broke ie: OUT OF MONEY. Money, pays bills, allows us to live, food, live life, transportation. Think about it, we spend money every day JUST TO LIVE. Now, the money is GONE. Oh boy, compound the feelings of letting down people we care for with our shame, anger at ourselves, ect..ect….Gosh people, it is a wonder we have ANY self-esteem at all. Interesting enough, I consider myself a "sensitive" very in tune with the feelings of others in my sphere. For the past year or so, I had very bad vibes at the "racino"…I mean that…an undercurrent of nervous, kinetic, energy spilling onto the floor, enveloping the "players" especially we CG’s in its ironclad, unrelenting grip. I see false shrugs and forced smiles…if I was floating above the place on lovely clean air, I KNOW my heart would break …..for the casino/racino whatever you call it, is NOT a happy place. I have NOT gambled today <3 I hope my fellow CG’s are enjoying peace and clarity today. I will close now…..goodnight friends! *** Razz *** You Get What You Give3 February 2013 at 7:57 pm #11805nevaParticipant
Hey Razz, how are you doing? I haven’t seen a post from you for awhile. I was thinking of your post about the lady that embezzled $115,000 because a 65 year old man embezzled $2 million from a government agency and spent it on ******* and gambling. The article said he had a hundred dollar a day **** habit so that means he must have had thousands of dollar a day gambling habit. Just goes to show that unlimited money still doesn’t get you ahead in gambling. I also thought he must have a strong heart to be 65 years old and doing that much *******! It made me think of all the ***** I wish I had more money to gamble but I know all the money in the world wouldn’t change the fact that we always end up broke. Hope you are having a great gamble-free weekend.
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